by Lisa Kentgen
p
Think about your life as the directed yet meandering river. Understand that this non-linear path is the very nature of a purposeful life. Value effort over outcome and you, like Gary, will come to appreciate the unpredictable way that your actions play out. Value what is here for you now and, like Dyanna, be willing to let go of fantasy if it keeps you from taking effective action. Dreams are high aspirations and often require persistent effort. Be clear on what you believe will bring you purpose, develop concrete goals, and take small steps toward them. Then remain open to the mystery of how life unfolds.
Chapter 13
What To Do When
You Are Stuck
One had to take some action against fear when
once it had laid hold of one.
Rainer Maria Rilke
Everyone gets stuck. The internal experience of being stuck is generally negative—that we are prevented from taking meaningful action. We feel most alive, creative, and purposeful when experiencing ourselves acting with volition. But viewing the state of stuck-ness as a problem encourages strategies that make us more stuck. Being stuck is only a problem if we cannot move through it. What we do in response to feeling stuck influences our ability to change the experience. It can be tempting to avoid action or distract ourselves from the discomfort of feeling stuck. Neither strategy is helpful. Taking meaningful action, especially when you are stuck, helps you acquire faith that you are the central actor in your life.
Just as turbulence is a natural part of being a passenger on an airplane, occasionally being stuck is an inevitable part of taking meaningful action. To be an effective actor you don’t need perpetual ease of motion. If you had it, you probably would not be stretching yourself. Stuck-ness is not the same as non-movement. This is an important distinction because you may respond to the discomfort of non-movement with action that makes you stuck!
You can get stuck in two ways. First, you can get stuck by not acting intentionally; by acting in ways that hinder effective movement. This is often the case when you experience resistance, which is a special type of stuck-ness that will be discussed later. You can also become stuck because circumstances simply don’t allow for effective action.
Both kinds of stuck-ness, hindering yourself or in response to external circumstances, require understanding. Feeling frustrated or thwarted does not promote understanding or help you act with intention. By placing awareness on the experience of stuck-ness, to understand it, actually shifts your experience of it. This simple practice, placing awareness, adds a degree of fluidity to the experience of feeling stuck. Becoming unstuck requires compassion, and gentle persistence.
First, try to understand whether your experience of being stuck is primarily internal or external. If the reasons for being stuck are external, then explore what, if anything, you can do about it at this particular moment in time. Do you need extra support or resources? Do you need to get more data before taking further action? If you are stuck primarily because of internal resistance, then the primary way through it is greater self-understanding and a commitment to keep showing up.
When Resistance is Behind Being Stuck
Internal resistance likely accounts for a large portion of the stuck-ness you experience. Resistance, as defined here, is an internal block from action. The block is within you. There may be very good reasons you are resisting taking action. Maybe you think you should do something that you don’t really want to do. Or you wisely need to pause and understand the situation further before taking action. Sometimes the reasons stem from fears or doubts that need to be understood and addressed. Maybe resistance is a habitual response. Whatever the reasons for resistance, if they are not understood, you experience yourself as unable to act on your behalf. Or, you do act, but it feels like you are dragging yourself, kicking and screaming, the entire time. Learning to identify the causes of your resistance, and moving through them, is empowering.
p
Jana felt like she had a good life. But in the past six months she had begun feeling ennui, a general sense of listlessness, that wasn’t dissipating. She entered therapy with a desire to move beyond her comfort zone, to be more social and try new things. Doing so was a challenge for Jana because she was introverted and, while she had come far in feeling comfortable with herself, she still felt socially awkward. For the past few years Jana told herself that she preferred to stay home or have quiet evenings with one or two friends. And sometimes this was true. But she now recognized that it was also true that she avoided taking risks because she didn’t like feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Avoidance was limiting her and caused more pain than the discomfort that she avoided.
Jana wanted to use therapy as a place to be held accountable to take steps toward her goals. She made concrete decisions and set out to take meaningful, but manageable, action toward being more social. She returned one session feeling deflated and upset with herself for “being lazy and having stupid reasons for not following through”.
Instead of focusing on why she didn’t do what she set out to do, we instead focused directly on the experience of resistance. Jana began with a “small, silly example” of taking steps to buy clothes. Most days she wore gym clothes and, while clothes were not a high priority to her, she wanted to dress in a way that gave an impression of putting her best foot forward. Her first action was to go online and look at different kinds of clothes to see which styles she might like wearing. She quickly felt overwhelmed by options. In addition to being overwhelmed by the sheer number of options, Jana also thought back to shopping experiences where she felt discouraged because designers didn’t often create clothes for her body type. Exploring her experience of resistance more, when she imagined buying clothes online and needing to return some of them, she thought about having difficulty getting around to it. As she shared her mental gymnastics, it was understandable how she had trouble taking meaningful action.
As Jana unpacked her resistance to taking action, she could see how this silly example was not silly at all. It was significant and gave important information on how to move forward and act in ways that she could feel good about.
Jana and I shifted the way we worked for the next couple of weeks. I asked her to call me for ten minutes every day so that we could explore the experience of resistance closer in time to when she was experiencing it. Working in this way helped Jana understand that she experienced resistance differently at different times. It was also a good model for Jana to understand how she could create and modify her own strategies for moving through resistance whenever it arose.
Starting with the action of buying clothes that she enjoyed wearing, Jana extended this experience to more challenging social situations. Each new circumstance offered an opportunity for insights and further practice in working with resistance. Jana moved out of her comfort zone. She now experiences herself as more social, and socially skillful, than she once did.
The internal experience of resistance can stem from fear, self-doubt, or judgment. For Jana, it was her unspoken belief that she would ultimately fail which overwhelmed her as she approached taking small meaningful actions toward her goals. Resistance can arise out of simply not knowing how to proceed. It can come from difficulty in showing up for yourself when not feeling motivated. Resistance as an approach can become a habit in and of itself. Avoidance can take on a life of its own. And when it does, it hobbles your capacity to be the central actor in your life. When you don’t understand your resistance, the sense of struggle persists. It becomes a cyclic relationship with stuck-ness.
p
I have worked with college students who had a habitual style of writing papers at the last minute. They felt resistance right up until there was imminent pressure of the deadline breathing down their neck. This relationship to deadlines is not uncommon. Resist as pressure mounts … feel uncomfortable about what needs to be done… discomfort leads to more resistance and avoidance … when there is no more perceiv
ed wiggle room to avoid, crank it out. Afterward there is often an experience of relief—of having dodged a bullet—exhaustion and slight elation. And there can also be regret afterward, a desire to have had just a little more time. If only there had been one more day the paper could have been really great!
Meaningful action can lay bare underlying roadblocks that have been hidden. So sometimes it is because you are practicing intentional action that you experience resistance. Meaningful action can reveal more about what you need to learn in order to take further steps toward your goals. This can be discouraging. You may feel resistance to the new information. It is important to meet disappointment with openness rather than resistance. Meet each new juncture as an opportunity to evaluate, to make new choices and to take new action.
Learning to let go of resistance allows for greater ease in life. Things that are challenging, or hard, don’t need an added layer of resistance on top of them. Save your energy for struggles that are worth having. Sometimes deadlines do help to give an added push. But a habitual response of taking action forced by external pressure does not allow you to experience yourself as someone who can act intentionally.
If you believe you really want something but continue to feel resistance, this is the invitation to go deeper within yourself and understand what you are resisting. Importantly, it is an opportunity for you to practice joining with yourself in new ways.
Two Bad Habits that Keep You Stuck
Two habits that keep us stuck are Distraction and Waiting for Inspiration.
Distraction requires little explanation and we all have favorite ways of distracting ourselves. My home is never cleaner than when I’m facing deadlines. I surf real estate and travel websites. What’s important is to stay mindful of when we take action that serves more as distraction than meaningful action. Distraction as action makes it even more difficult to return and reengage.
Don’t wait for inspiration! Inspiration, like deep happiness, comes in moments. You can help cultivate the conditions to feel inspired but you can’t control its occurrence. It is helpful to have a practice of learning to take advantage of inspiration. And when it visits, strike while the iron is hot. When you are stuck, it can be tempting to wait until you feel inspired to move out of it. This waiting stance is a dead end. It is important to be compassionate with yourself when you are stuck. At the same time, gently prompt yourself to move out of the state of inertia. Recognize that waiting for the spirit to move you decreases the likelihood that the spirit will move you.
Does this mean that inspiration does not exist? Not at all. It is central to the creative process. The problem is waiting for it. You can’t force inspiration to come to you. It is spontaneous. This might relieve you of feeling as if you should be inspired. At the same time, preparation is key to inspiration. When it comes, get a foothold in a way that allows for intentional action. Practicing good habits allows effective action when inspiration visits. Distracting yourself while waiting for inspiration does not.
p
One of my favorite maxims is Rudyard Kipling’s writing mantra, “Drift, wait, and obey.” While this described the writing process for Kipling, it can describe any creative engagement. Here, drifting is a state in which you allow your creative process to be at the forefront. It is different from spacing out or getting distracted. It describes a state of non-directed openness to possibility. Kipling himself would go on long walks in the English countryside, calling this process hatching.
The waiting Kipling refers to is not a passive stance. It is not a state of waiting described earlier which is the result of resistance. Rather, Kipling’s waiting is allowing the possibility of inspiration to show itself. It showed itself because he persistently showed up for writing. When ideas spontaneously came to him he referred to his inspiration as his daemon being in charge. When his daemon was in charge he wrote feverishly. He took advantage of these states because he knew they came only intermittently.
Obey means follow the energy. It is not a dictatorial kind of obey but, instead, a call to show up for yourself. When you get inspired, for goodness sake, take advantage of it. Inspiration is a gift that should not be wasted! Even if you don’t know the best next step to take, take a step. This helps you engage more meaningfully with the experience of internal movement that is inspirational. Practices in intentional action include cultivating the conditions to both find inspiration and to act on it when it comes.
Practices That Help You Get Unstuck
These are three helpful practices when you are stuck. The first is “showing up.” The second is “take baby steps.” And the third is “follow the energy.”
Showing up means having a commitment to stay present to what is difficult or uncomfortable. It means not avoiding. It means coming back to something again and again. That term paper that is avoided until there is no perceived alternative? Try a different approach. Show up for it when it is first assigned. Make it an interesting experiment and take more ownership of the process. You have the opportunity to write creatively in a new way. Make it your paper, written in your voice. An authentic written voice takes reflection and multiple passes. An all-nighter fueled by pots of coffee does not lend itself to the creative process. While this approach might be necessary at times, it often isn’t.
How do you show up for something that you are resisting? Can you just evoke some powerful self-discipline? Tell yourself to buck up and push through it? Can you power through with a sheer force of will? Maybe, but not likely. At least not beyond the short term. Trying to force yourself can make you more frustrated and resistant.
Showing up, again and again, requires an openness to your resistance without giving into it. Showing up includes taking steps toward a goal. It is through ongoing intentional action that resistance is overcome. It is by gently and persistently asking yourself to imagine, and then commit to, the next small step. The next step does not need to be the right step. Let go of the idea of right or best step! It just needs to be a step of sincere presence and effort. The practice of taking just one more step gives you faith in yourself and frees up energy. Don’t get down on yourself if you feel resistance to the next step. Yet don’t give in to the resistance either.
To continue with the example of the college paper, as soon as it is assigned, spend ten minutes jotting down ideas in a notebook. Don’t ask anything more of yourself. A few days later show up in another way. Try looking up half a dozen references, allowing this to take only twenty minutes. Don’t ask anything else of yourself. A day later, pick up that list of references and ask yourself, “Which of these, if any, sounds interesting to me?” If one stands out, get that reference and read it right away. Don’t ask anything more of yourself. The next day, spend ten minutes of thinking of the next step. Don’t ask anything more of yourself. And so on. If at any point, you feel inspired, then by all means ask more of yourself!
Take baby steps means take action in small, measurable ways. It takes skill and practice to formulate meaningful incremental steps. However small the step, action in the right direction counters the inertia of feeling stuck. When you are stuck, you might need help with understanding how to formulate baby steps. If this is the case, getting the right kind of help is a very effective incremental step to take. Learning to identify and take baby steps toward your goals is an invaluable lifelong practice.
When you look back at how you achieved your highest aspirations, it may seem like you took major leaps at key moments. Those moments will leave indelible prints in your memories. But these leaps were possible because of a foundation of small steps. If you consistently show up by taking small, incremental steps, you will effectively move toward what matters most to you.
Follow the energy means that when something energizes you, listen to it. The experience of stuck-ness is one of constriction. It doesn’t help to meet constriction with force. When you do the constriction gets tighter. For example, if you have a habit of finishing assignments bec
ause of external pressure, the experience teaches you nothing about being an intentional actor. Acting solely in response to deadlines doesn’t encourage you to act in engaged and creative ways. Countering constriction with openness changes the experience. Finding pockets of energy, or interest, is an opening experience that helps you meet the resistance. If you can channel energy into movement toward what you are resisting, it will help you take the next small step more easily. Following your energy is important because it helps to counter internal resistance.
That same college paper? Following the energy means taking time when the assignment is first given to choose a topic that interests you. If there is no curiosity up-front, resistance is nearly guaranteed. If you are interested in the topic, you can tap into energy which helps you access the ideas that stuck-ness is inhibiting.
Now you have a topic that interests you and you have researched it. It is time to start writing, but you encounter the old familiar resistance. Can you infuse energy into the experience? Walk in your room and say out loud the important themes you want to include in your paper. Sing them. Break down writing the paper into small incremental goals and ask yourself only to show up twenty minutes at a time. Knowing beforehand what you are asking of yourself, and having it be manageable, helps you bring energy to the experience. Create a list of activities you enjoy, that are energizing, and take breaks for these activities. Make plans to go out with friends after writing a page or two. Discover new, quiet places to write that are not associated with the experience of resistance. The most important point is that you bring awareness to the process and think of ways to infuse the act of writing with openness and energy.