by Joanna Sims
Abigail laughed and smiled when Sweet Girl walked forward. The team repeated this action again and again and again, stopping and starting, and Colt marveled at the patience it took on the part of the team and the horse. Nothing in his life had ever taken this kind of patience. At the end of the thirty-minute session, Julie said to Abigail, “Let’s tell Sweet Girl to go one last time.”
As the therapist had every time, she supported Abigail reaching for the green card.
“Go!”
When Abigail’s fingers touched the green card, the entire team heard her say the word go.
“You heard her,” Colt could hear the excitement in the therapist’s voice. “Let’s go!”
Colt wasn’t exactly sure what the excitement was about, but he could see Lee celebrating on the sideline of the arena. Abigail’s mom leaned over the railing and he could see as they walked near her side of the arena that she was crying.
“Did she say go?” Abigail’s mom called out. “Did you say go, Abby? Say go, Abby!”
Abby didn’t repeat the word but she laughed and smiled at her mom as she rode by on the back of the tall Thoroughbred.
“That was her first word!” Colt overheard Abigail’s mom tell Lee before they hugged. “Abby just said her first word!”
They returned to the ramp and the therapist helped Abigail dismount. Abigail’s mom swooped her daughter up and they celebrated this amazing milestone Colt had just witnessed. He had been a part of Abigail saying her first word at nearly three years of age. He had done something important that day—something important for someone other than himself. Colt couldn’t completely sort out the myriad of feelings he had in the moment, but he did know that he was forever changed by the experience. Forever changed.
Chapter Eleven
Three weeks after his first gig as a side-walker, Colt crossed a milestone he had been working toward since the moment he laid eyes on Lee: he had finally accumulated his court ordered hours of community service. He was officially a free man. A man who was free to date the owner of Strides of Strength without putting her in a compromising position with the community. So when he walked into Lee’s office at the end of the day, he entered with the confidence of a man who knew exactly what his next steps needed to be.
Colt gave Chester a pet on the head before he sat down in the chair opposite Lee’s desk. He pushed his long hair back from his face and smiled at her.
“Do you know what today is?” he asked, his eyes roaming her lovely face.
She nodded wordlessly. She didn’t look as excited about this moment as he felt. That gave him pause.
“I’m a free man,” he added just to confirm that they were celebrating the same event.
Lee rested her hands on top of his file—the file where she had logged his hours for the court.
The woman he loved didn’t return his smile. Instead, she looked somber, an expression he didn’t like to see on her face at all.
“You have done a lot of good work for us, Colt,” she finally said. “There are so many things that still wouldn’t be done if you hadn’t been assigned to us this summer.”
Now Colt was frowning. This sounded oddly like a goodbye and as far as he knew, he wasn’t going anywhere. If anything, he planned on being a bigger part of Lee’s life, not pull off a vanishing act. This moment, this very moment, was what he had been working so hard for. This was why he had begged off fishing and hunting and poker games with his buddies. This was why he had worked so many overtime hours. It had all been for Lee. It had all been so he could be with Lee.
“I know everyone will want to thank you, to say goodbye,” Lee continued. “Gail will definitely want to throw a party.”
Colt leaned forward, his brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”
“You’ve fulfilled your hours, Colt,” she said. “Like you said, you’re a free man.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. “A free man who isn’t planning on going anywhere.”
Lee looked at him with an expression he could only read as cautiously optimistic.
“What is that expression on your face, Lee?” Colt asked with a smile meant to reassure her. “I’m not leaving the program.”
“You’re not?”
“Heck, no,” he said, petting Chester who had climbed down into his lap and was now purring and kneading his leg. “I’m sticking around. I like it here.”
Lee still didn’t respond.
“That is, of course, if you want me to stay?”
His ego needed her to confirm that she still wanted him around. Here he had been planning their first date while she was thinking about his farewell party. They definitely were reading from a different sheet of music.
Lee tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear—he now knew her well enough to know that she did this when she was feeling a bit nervous or uncomfortable.
“I think everyone would love for you to stay on.”
Her response didn’t satisfy Colt’s need in the least.
Colt lifted the rotund tabby off his lap and put him on the desk. Standing now, Colt caught and held Lee’s eyes. “I’m interested in what you want, Lee.”
Her lips parted and the pupils of her eyes enlarged, and all Colt could think about was kissing her. But there was an audience just outside the window and he couldn’t risk giving Lee a reason to run away from him again.
“Do you want me to stay?” he prodded her.
“Yes,” she said in a quiet voice. “I want you to stay. For as long as your schedule allows. The kids love you but we will all understand if you can’t make it and...”
“Lee...”
“Yes?”
“It’s okay to quit while we’re ahead.”
Lee threaded her fingers together and rested them on his file. “I will send your hours to the court tomorrow.”
Colt sat back down. “That works for me.”
“You worked off these hours a lot faster than I thought you would.” She put the file into her desk drawer.
“A date with you gave me all the motivation I needed to get done quick,” he said, watching her face closely. Colt sensed that Lee liked the limbo they were in—she liked the fact that they could work together while not having to address what was so obviously going on between them.
Lee blanched. Her complexion turned a grayish color and her lips pressed together tightly.
Colt leaned forward so he could talk to her in a lowered tone that she could still hear. “I told you I was going to ask you out on a date when I was done with my hours.”
Lee bit her lip hard and nodded.
“And now all of the color has drained from your face.”
He watched as Lee sought and then held on to the locket she always wore around her neck. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for, Lee?”
Colt now had a sick feeling in his stomach. This wasn’t going at all how he had hoped—how he had imagined. Over the last three weeks, he had developed a solid working relationship with Lee and the other volunteers. They had laughed together, shared rider triumphs and achievements. All the while, Colt had believed that there was something extra in his interactions with Lee. He had always believed that they both were looking toward the future when they could bring their true feelings to the surface for the world to see.
“I...” She held on tight to that locket. “I’m sorry, Colt. I can’t.”
He waited for her to continue because he didn’t want to give voice to the anger and the hurt that had erupted in his body.
“I want you to stay,” she said. “I want us to be friends. But I have plans.” Her voice lowered a notch. “Promises that need to be kept. And I’m finally there. I’m finally ready.”
“And you won’t make room in those plans for me?” Colt asked, bitterness laced in his voice. “Is that right?”
Lee swallowed hard several times, and tucked hair behind her ears that was already tucked into place. “Michael...”
When Lee said her late husband’s name with all the love Colt wanted for himself, it felt just as bad as when he had the wind knocked out of him after being bucked off a horse. Colt gritted his teeth together so tightly that it hurt his jaw. He couldn’t force Lee to let Michael go. He couldn’t force her to move on from her first love.
Colt stood up but it took him several long seconds to finally form the words he needed to say. “I’m the one who’s here, Lee.”
His words hurt her and he was sorry for that. But it was the truth. He was standing before her, ready to give her all the love he had. He hadn’t even known the kind of love he felt for Lee existed. And now that he knew it existed, he wanted to hold on to it. He wanted to hold on to Lee. The problem was, Lee wasn’t reaching for his hand—she was holding on as tight as she could to the love she had with Michael.
There was nothing he could say to Lee—nothing that would convince her to give what they had a chance. So he did the only thing he could do—he walked away.
“Colt.” Lee had come out from behind her desk.
He stopped but he didn’t turn around. He didn’t want to look at her face again. Not now.
“Can we...” She paused before she continued, “Can we put you on the volunteer list for Monday?”
Colt balled his hands into fists, then stretched them out several times to release the tension in his body. When he had been assigned to Strides of Strength for his community service, he couldn’t have known how it would become a part of his identity to be connected to the riders and other volunteers—to Lee. But he couldn’t continue to love Lee—to be in love with Lee—while she clung to the memory of her late husband. He just couldn’t do it. He wasn’t that type of man.
“No,” he said, his hand on the door. “Go ahead and strike my name off of that list.”
* * *
After Colt left her office, Lee had sat there for a long while wondering how the conversation had managed to get so far off track.
Yes, she knew that Colt wanted to ask her out on a date—he had told her explicitly that he was going to do it. Yet, there was a part of her—a part obviously in serious denial—that had believed they could go on indefinitely as they were. She liked where they were. Colt was such a wonderful addition to the property and the program. He was so talented and so intuitive with the riders. How wrongly she had judged his book by the cover.
“Hi, Boot. Hi, Gilda,” Lee called, entering her father-in-law’s shop.
Boot and Gilda were sitting at an upside down barrel that Boot had turned into a makeshift table so they could share a cup of coffee.
“Could I talk to Boot alone, Gilda? Do you mind?”
“No,” Gilda said easily. “I don’t mind at all.”
Lee slumped into the rickety lawn chair Gilda had vacated.
“I was wondering how long it would take you to show up here.” Boot leaned back, his arms crossed and resting on his stomach.
Lee lifted her eyes. “Why do you say that?”
“Colt was just here returning all of my tools like he wasn’t coming back.”
She picked at a piece of rust on the rim of the barrel.
“So...” her father-in-law said. “What happened between the two of you?” Boot held up his hand and added, “And don’t say that nothing happened because that just isn’t so. Last I heard, he was planning on staying on here and now he’s not. I have to suspect that has something to do with what’s been going on with the two of you.”
“What’s been going on...?” Lee blurted out. Did everyone know that she had feelings for Colt? She had worked very hard to keep that under wraps.
“Just cut to the chase, Lee. You know I hate it when people beat around the bush.”
Boot had never been big on side courses—he always just wanted the steak.
“Colt asked me out on a date.”
Boot chuckled, his arms still tucked in front of his body. “Is that all? The two of you are acting like it was the end of the world.”
Lee’s mouth dropped open. How could Boot be so casual about her possibly dating someone after they had both tragically lost Michael?
“Colt asked me out on a date,” she repeated, wondering if her father-in-law had actually missed the gravity of what she was telling him.
“I heard you,” he said, “and you said no quite obviously from the looks of it.”
“Of course I said no, Boot.”
“Of course? Why of course?”
“You’re the one who said you only get married once,” she reminded him of their earlier conversation.
“Yes.” Boot pointed to himself. “Me. I will only get married once. I’m an old man. What’s the point in getting married again? I had my wife. But you’re still young. There’s no reason for you to be alone for the rest of your life. I know how much you loved Michael—you don’t have to live the rest of your life as a lonely widow to convince me of anything.”
Lee was rendered speechless for several minutes. Why was every conversation going absolutely off the rails today?
“You were there, Boot. You were there the day Michael died.”
“Yes, I was.” Her father-in-law’s voice was emotional.
“You heard what he asked me. He made me promise I would continue. I promised him. On his deathbed, Boot.” Lee pushed down the tears that were forming. “I promised him.”
“I remember,” Boot said, his eyes intense on her face. “What does that have to do with anything we’re talking about here?”
Lee sprang out of her chair like someone had pulled an ejection switch. “Am I going absolutely nuts here? Is it me? I am thirty-five years old, Boot. I’m running out of time here.”
“I know that time is not on your side.”
“No.” She shook her head. Her voice raised a notch. “Time isn’t on our side. I’m doing this for all of us. For you, for me, for Michael. I’ve been planning and saving for years and I’m finally ready. I have enough money to try another round of IVF at the end of this summer! This is Michael’s child we’re talking about. This is your grandchild! So sure, of course—it’s the perfect time to start dating Colt. Of course it is! I’m sure he’d love to go with me to my appointments. Heck, screw dinner, why not just go to the fertility clinic for our first date?”
“Sit down.” Boot gestured to the empty seat. “You’re giving me a crick in my neck.”
Lee sat down heavily in the chair. She had grown up with Boot and he still filled a father-figure role. Even in her thirties, if he told her to jump, she was hardwired to listen.
“Why is your generation so determined to just vomit all of your information on social media and to each other before you’ve even had the first dinner together? Why does Colt even have to know about any of this on the first date? He’s just asking to take you out—maybe go to a movie or grab a bite to eat. The two of you don’t even know if you’re compatible. Why don’t you find that out first before you start a doomsday scenario?”
Boot didn’t know the whole story and she wasn’t about to tell him that she had already skipped first base with Colt and instead went straight for the home run. She had a feeling that it wouldn’t change Boot’s opinion either way if he did know. “I’m actually surprised that you aren’t upset with the idea of my dating someone else.”
“Well, you got that one wrong. No one, especially Michael, would want you to martyr yourself.” Boot stood up. “So, no. I’m not upset one whit about that. If you want to go out on a date with that young man, don’t say no on account of me. I like him—not enough to date him myself, mind you,” Boot teased. “But he’d be a fine choice for someone like you. He could keep you grounded in a way not even Michael, God rest his soul, ever could.”
* * *
Boot
had managed to cut through the clutter in her mind and focus her thoughts in a way that she hadn’t accomplished on her own. Perhaps she just needed him to be okay with her moving forward with someone other than his son. Either way, Boot’s approval of her exploring a relationship with Colt gave Lee courage. She had courage in so many aspects of her life—she had overcome so much—but now she realized that she was being a coward when it came to her feelings for Colt.
“I’m glad I caught you before you left.” Lee found Colt in the tack room in the red barn. She knew that he had kept a small cache of his tools there and would likely be in the process of packing them up.
Colt glanced over his shoulder at her, his face grim. “I don’t have time to talk right now. I’ve got something to do.”
Lee thought about turning around and leaving but then thought better of it. She didn’t want Colt to leave Strides—who would be better off if that were to happen? No one. And more importantly, she didn’t want him to leave her. Not like this. The friendship they had built over these last weeks mattered to her.
“I’m sorry, Colt.”
“There you go apologizing again,” he muttered, tossing a hammer into a nearby toolbox with a clang.
“Because I am sorry,” Lee said. “I’m sorry I don’t have all of my feelings sorted out so neatly like you do. I’m sorry that I am worried about how people will see our relationship.”
Colt spun around and glared at her. “I don’t give a damn about what people think and neither should you. You either love me or you don’t.”
“Easy words coming from someone with nothing to lose.”
“Nothing to lose?” he asked. “Nothing to lose? As far as I can tell, I’ve got everything to lose. For the first time in my life, I’m doing something important—I’m helping people. You gave that to me. For the first time in my life, I love something more than just myself—I love you. And you just pull the rug out from underneath me like it was nothing.”