"Ja, great honor to be chosen."
"That sounds so unbelievable. Cheating always ends up in divorce."
"Ah? Who says?"
"I've watched plenty of Lifetime Movies; I know."
"Vas is Lifetime? Pardon me, what is Lifetime?"
"On the TV."
He looked down and shook his head. The move was disapproving.
I was curious. "What?"
He glanced at me, still shaking his head. "Macht nichts."
"What?"
"Oh. Uh, it does not matter."
"Yes it does, what does it mean?"
"I just said what it means. It does not matter."
"Oh, sorry."
He made a face. "It is a joke in Germany and many European countries that Amis watch too much television."
I searched his eyes. He seemed embarrassed to say it.
I said, "But, those stories are real."
He sipped his wine. "How do you say… If you believe the television, I have a big bridge to sell to you."
I made a confused face.
He waved his glass a little. "Macht nichts. Cheating is not what Heidi does."
I blinked. "But marriage is supposed to be between one man and one woman."
He raised his eyebrows at me. "What? Did you also get this from the TV?"
"It's in the Bible."
"It is not."
"It is. 'A woman shall leave her father—' "
"Ach, no. That is the union of two people."
"But that's marriage. One man and one woman."
"Ah? And what of the parable Jesus gave? The virgins and their lamps? The groom comes and takes all five virgins into the marriage chamber."
Uh, how come I've never heard that before? "How do you know all this?"
"You do not read the book you quote to me?"
I shook my head. Had I heard the one person thing on TV? "How did you learn this?"
He grinned. "My father was Hitler Youth and an orphan after the war. A missionary took pity on him and took him from the prison camp where he was being held—"
"Prison camp?"
His face darkened. "Mmm, ja. Many died in those conditions. But my father was raised such, learning the Bible. He taught me. Many Christians today do not understand their Bible. They just repeat the scheisse they hear on the TV."
I blinked rapidly.
"Come, tell me of the man. What was his name?"
"Ben. Ben Branton."
"He was nice? Hmm?"
I thought about that. Yes, he was nice. But just as a friend. "I guess so. He was a friend."
"Ja, that is good."
"Is it? I had sexual relations with him."
"Ja, so?"
"But I betrayed my husband."
"Ja? Did you?"
"Yes. I'm not supposed to have sex with any other man."
"Did he say so?"
I swallowed. "Well, no."
Dieter smiled and leaned close again. "Then you hurt yourself with your struggle."
"What?"
He looked thoughtful. "Herr Monroe approved of you with this man?"
"Yes, but—"
"Then there is no betrayal except in your own mind." He tapped his head.
"But I wanted to be faithful to my husband."
"Do you love him?"
"My husband?"
"Ja."
"Of course!"
"And, so, he loves you." He watched me a moment. "Herr Monroe loves you greatly. He asked me to help. The struggle is within you and only you."
"What do you mean?"
"You fight yourself, ja? The trap is your own. Here." He tapped his head again.
"But—"
He leaned forward again, close. "You love your husband. He loves you. Your real answer is here." He tapped my chest over my heart.
CHAPTER 11
I got out of bed on Sunday. I had slept well, mostly in my husband's arms.
He came into the bedroom with a cup of coffee for my shower. He kissed my cheek and winked.
I felt warm, the numbness of my failure receding. The German man had certainly shaken up my ideas of life. He didn't look like some wild-eyed kook or pervert.
His wife is traveling with his friend? And having sex and Dieter hopes that she is? When I was having sex with Ben, was Derek hoping that I was? He had said so – that he had been happy I had finally let loose.
I showered, taking extra-long. But I wasn't trying to wash anything away; I was thinking. If neither Derek nor Dieter judged me as a cheater, was I right to still think so? If Derek approved of my dalliance, was it cheating? One of the last things said by Dieter was that adultery was an issue of property. In the days of the scriptures, women were property. Adultery was theft of the wife. But wives were no longer property.
I had argued that, still trusting the televangelists on TV.
Dieter had patiently explained. If a man had a hammer in a tool chest, and a neighbor snuck in and took it to use, it was theft, and punishable. But if the man offered the hammer to the neighbor to use and then return, there was no offence and was not punishable.
Was it all really that simple?
Dieter had assured me it was.
I rinsed the shampoo from my long hair. If Derek had approved and basically "loaned" me to Ben, then there was no offence? Something within me wriggled, struggling against a barrier of comfort.
I got out of the shower and brushed my hair. I had so worried about cheating, but Derek didn't think I was?
Later, in the living room, I asked him. "You don't think I cheated?"
He gave me that sexy considering look. "No. I knew what you were doing, and even if you didn't end up doing it, I was expecting it might happen."
"You don't think I'm dirty?"
He laughed. "Um, no. I think you're sexy. I'd rather hear all about it – all the details – than continue to see you beat yourself up about it."
"You'd want to hear the details of my infidelity?"
He snapped down his magazine. He had an annoyed look on his face. "If I knew about it, and expected it, then infidelity doesn't enter into the situation."
"So, even if it hadn't happened, you were still wanting it and would've approved?"
His eyes grew large in mock surprise. "Uh… yeah?"
I laughed a little. "Does this have something to do with your porn videos?"
He snickered and shook his head. "Maybe the other way around. You're the reason I watch the videos."
"Huh?"
"You're so uptight and prudish about—"
"I'm not a prude. I kissed men."
"But that was it. And you had the hang-up over sex."
I felt as if he wasn't understanding. "I wanted to be special for you."
"You are."
"You don't think I'm stained now?"
"No, I think you've been set free."
"I don't want to be free from you."
"No, no." He shook his head. "Quit looking at marriage as a prison. Marriage is freedom. If I give you the freedom and you decide to enjoy it, then no one is in the wrong."
I had a feeling he was talking sense, but I needed to hear it from more than just my husband. After all, wasn't he prejudiced? "When is Dieter coming over?"
He said, "Four. Figured we'd hot-tub."
"Don't get any funny ideas."
He held up his hands. "He's a great guy. I think he could be a friend."
~ ~ ~
I answered the door.
Dieter grinned. "Ah, my lovely. How are you today?"
I let him in. "I don't know. Did you bring any more of that horrid brain casserole?"
"Ja? You liked it?" He had a carry bag and set it down.
"I fed it to the neighbor's yapping dog."
He laughed loud and clean. "Ah… it is nice to see you in a finer mood."
Derek winked at him.
Dieter clapped my husband on both shoulders. "Ah, I am still on the job?"
My husband looked confused. "Huh?"
"Agent? I hope I did not get myself relieved yesterday with what I said."
"What? Oh. No, your job is fine." He was shaking his head.
Dieter chuckled. He turned back to me. "And may I have a hug from such a lovely lady?"
I blushed. "I guess so." I didn't mind; he was easy to like.
The German wrapped me in a very gentle hug. "Ah, yes. You smell as good as you look."
I giggled. "Um, may I talk to you some more? Alone?"
Derek raised an eyebrow.
Dieter looked back and forth between us in mock surprise. He said to Derek with jubilation in his voice, "Ja, I think she likes me."
I stifled a laugh.
Derek said, "Drinks?"
Dieter waved him off. "Whatever you have is good."
He followed me out onto the patio. We sat in the chairs by the hot tub.
I suddenly felt unsure. I twisted my fingers together. "If Derek has given me the freedom to do something, and I do it – having sexual relations with another man – then there's nothing wrong?"
He raised his palms. "Mmm? I believe you have answered your own question?"
"But isn't a wife having sex with another man wrong?"
"Only if the husband does not approve. Then you are betraying his trust. This is simple, ja?" He was looking at me as if wondering why I was having such a hard time with it.
"So you approve of Heidi having sex with Rolf?"
He leaned back a little. "Ja, I would hope so."
"And you don't think she's doing something wrong?"
He made a disgusted noise. "You Amis are so uptight. Of course she is good. I hope that Rolf pleases her."
"So… You don't think what I did with Ben was bad?"
He shook his head. Then he leaned over and touched my arm. "Herr Monroe says that you stopped at penetration, ja?"
I blushed a little. Isn't that private? But Dieter was interested and not laughing at me. "Yes… because penetration would be sexual intercourse and cheating."
"Ja, ja, good. So, it was fun before penetration?
I blushed more fully. "Yes. We kissed a lot, and then started fooling around a bit."
"Mm? Sounds good."
"But then things went too far."
"Ja, was it good when it did?"
"When he… penetrated me?"
He nodded.
Derek brought out tumblers with Scotch in them. Then he went back inside after winking at us.
I thought back to day before yesterday. I had been out of control. My body had burned with need and lust. I had felt relief when Ben had slid it in. My voice was small. "Yes. Yes, it was good."
Dieter's voice went lower. "And it was better?"
I couldn't answer, so I nodded.
He squeezed my hand. "It is as I hope for my Heidi."
We sipped for a few moments.
He said, "Do you love him? This Ben?"
I took a longer sip. The barrier within me twisted. What was it about all this? Did I love Ben? I didn't feel for him what I felt for my husband. I took a few breaths. "No."
"But it was fun."
"Yes."
"Ach, then?"
"Huh?"
"You love Herr Monroe, he approves, you have some fun, and what?"
"This guilt."
"You feel guilty for something your husband wanted you to do? So who is offended here? Only you. And if you do not love this man Ben and you still are in love with your husband, then there can be no offense."
That's when it all made sense. No, I did not love Ben. I liked him. I certainly liked kissing him. He was a friend. I loved my husband and I was afraid of losing him over what I might have done with Ben. But if he approved, then I wasn't going to lose him.
The answer was love.
The barrier holding back the wriggling something within me vanished. I took a shuddering breath and for all the world, I felt lighter.
Dieter was looking at me with curiosity. "Hmm?"
"I… I don’t love Ben." There. Saying it again, fully, melted away my worries. No, I don't love him. I just had a lot of fun with him which my husband wanted me to have. What had I been so uptight about? Why such a prude?
I reached over and gave Dieter's hand a squeeze as he had mine.
His face brightened with a smile. "Such a beautiful flower should always be cherished. I am pleased to see happiness on your face." He covered my hand with his own and we squeezed.
~ ~ ~
I kissed my husband after dinner. "I love you."
His smile was happy – like the day I married him. He cupped my face. "I love you, too."
"I wasn't wanting to, but the hot-tub sounds like just the thing." I looked forward to melting away the stress that had so plagued me.
Derek said, "Are you going to miss Ben?"
I tensed, waiting for the guilt, but it did not come. I relaxed. "Yes and no. It was fun, but, he has to do his thing."
He nodded.
Dieter came out of the guest bedroom. He was smiling giddily, having drank quite a bit of Scotch. "Oh? Am I interrupting?"
Derek said, "No."
I went to get changed.
Out in the backyard, the light from the tub provided the only illumination. Drinks were set out, glinting darkly amber.
Dieter's eyes went wide when he saw me. "Ach, a wonder to behold."
I giggled, feeling happily numb. I tried not to trip. I sank into the hot bubbling water and stretched out my legs. My feet hit Dieter's.
He grinned. "Herr Monroe, would—"
Derek snorted. "It's Derek, dammit."
The German shrugged. "I am sorry, it is customary—"
"You're in America. Call me Derek or you're fired."
"Ach, ja, ja. Derek."
"What do you want?" My husband's smile was amused.
"May I have the pleasure of sitting with your lovely?"
He wants to sit with me? I giggled.
He turned his head to me and looked at me horrified. "I am clean!" He comically slapped water on his chest and scraped downward. "Ja, every day."
I laughed.
Derek said, "If she wants to."
I slid my glass over next to his and started to scoot next to him.
He grabbed my arms and steered me into the center. "Sit here, ja?" He pulled me back.
I was settled between his legs and leaned back against his chest. His arms held me gently around my middle. "Oh, okay."
Derek winked at me.
I was prepared for some move or something, but nothing happened. I drank more of my Scotch and simply relaxed in Dieter's hold. I felt the rise and fall of his chest and drifted drowsily in the roiling bubbles of water. I felt safe.
CHAPTER 12
The workweek was entirely normal. Evelyn Error-face was gone, moving on to another location to stomp her disapproval.
Hotty-Totty Tina didn't act so Hotty-Totty anymore and I regarded Ben's absence with a mixture of regret and indifference.
If he really needed to get married, then he had to do what he had to do. I would miss the kisses, but I respected his commitment to Cheryl. I would miss the other stuff, too. Knowing now that I had made such a huge prudish fuss over nothing, I felt like I had missed out. What had been fun could've been fun before, but Ben and I only kissed for a week.
Big deal and no big loss. I liked him and really liked what happened when I thought I had failed. But was it a huge loss? No. The big loss for me was the years of self-inflicted cheat-shot wounds. I was so narrow-minded that I ignored my husband. I ignored everything he told me. The loss was the understanding I might have had with him, even if I never kissed anyone.
The guilt was replaced by shame. It made me feel stupid and like a little kid.
My work did not suffer.
At home on Monday, I resolved to face my barrier, if any of it still remained. I felt it was gone, but like some demon sneaking back in, might it have returned?
I sat down at my husband's home office computer
and booted it up. I entered his password: e!izaBeth1975. When all that was done, I clicked into his dirty folders. He had one marked "Favorites."
I watched his videos. Or tried. I was on my third one when he walked in.
"Hey now, don't be deleting my vids."
I smiled up at him. "I wasn't; I was watching them."
"What? Get out." He loosened his tie.
"Really. Watched these two here."
He leaned over. "Ah, you're in my favorites. Are you going to vomit or something?"
I laughed. "Um, no. I wanted to see what was so exciting about these."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, I didn't like the first one. The guy seemed too fake. All tanned and hair done. Yuck."
"I liked the wife in that one."
"Still didn't like it. The guy annoyed me. But the second one was very nice."
He leaned again. "Ah, yeah."
"It's just two people, not like your others here. What's the story on that one? Why just two people?"
"Oh. That's the best man doing the bride a couple weeks after the honeymoon. The husband is filming."
I sat stunned. It had been absolutely hot, making me wet watching it. "You're kidding."
"Nope."
"Wow, so that could've been Dieter filming Rolf and Heidi…"
He chuckled. "Heidi is almost white-blonde. I saw her picture."
I pouted. "I haven't."
He waved at me. "Move and I'll show you."
I got out of his chair, feeling a worm coiling in me thinking about the second video. "That was the best man?"
"In the second? Yeah." He was typing, changing screens to his business email.
"It looked like the wife was gone." The memory of her moans as the best man drove his cock into her echoed through my head.
He grinned up at me. "Yeah, she had a lot of fun in that. I think she likes the best man." His email came up and he clicked a folder, then an email. He clicked the attachment. "There she is. Rolf, too."
Heidi and Rolf were leaning up against a railing – trees in the distance behind them. The sun shone in their faces. Both were waving. Heidi was almost white in the hair, but the blonde-white. The laugh lines were deep. Her eyes were squinted in the sun.
Rolf was not as handsome as Dieter. He had a half smile on his face, but his brows were drawn down – as if he was worried the person taking the picture was doing it right.
It's Not Cheating Page 7