by Julie Solano
Tangles continues. “I don’t want to let them down. Ever since my brother messed up, I feel like I have to be perfect. My parents can’t handle any more stress. They’ve gone through enough. I figured if I came down here to stay with my cousin, it would give them a break. They wouldn’t have to think about me or take care of me. But it’s hard. It’s hard to leave your parents when you’re sixteen years old. Especially during the holidays.”
She bends her head and starts to cry. I want to run up there. I want to run up there so bad, but I can’t. It would destroy her.
“Avery. You don’t have to say anything else, if you’re not ready. You can stop at any time.”
“No. I need to. I feel like I need to talk about it. There was a new development over the holidays. Something you guys don’t know about yet. I know you were all praying that they would find my brother. Well, we finally got the call on Christmas Eve. Some snowshoers found him in a crevice, down by the river. He’s dead. My big brother is gone.”
Snowshoers found him in a crevice? On Christmas Eve? Just like Pistol Black? Avery Black? The swimmer? No. It can’t be. My mind flashes back to the earring I found attached to my jacket on Christmas Eve. It was engraved with the initials AGB. My heart stops dead cold. I look up, fighting for air. I feel like I’m suffocating. My ears start to ring. I see a mob of people move toward the front, lavishing her with hugs. Her brown curls pop out around their arms. A vision of Pistol flashes before me. Brown hair. Brown eyes. Country to the core. Son of bitch! Why didn’t I put two and two together? I’m frozen in place. Dazed by the realization that Tangles is Avery Black. In that very moment when I realize that my Avery is also Pistol Black’s Avery, I see red.
Without thinking, I shoot my hand into the air as I jump up from my seat. “MY TURN!” I scream as I stomp down the aisle toward the podium. The group divides as I brush past the people who have gathered around that deceitful, little liar. How could she pull this on me? She must’ve known. Something should’ve given it away. She knew. She played me.
As I reach the front, her eyes meet mine. She gasps and falls back into Bill. Her hand comes up over her mouth. Oh, cut the drama. Why does she look so shocked? Is she pissed that I found out her dirty, little secret? Well, in case she doesn’t know, it’s time she heard mine.
I tap on the microphone. “Hello everybody.” There’s still mumbling. Again, I tap to get their attention. “I’m sorry if I took cuts, but I have something important to say.” I’m breathing hard. I feel a hand come up behind me. It’s Bill.
“Take a deep breath, son. It’s okay. I can tell this is hard for you, but talking about it will make it better.”
I hold my hand up to stop Bill. I don’t want to hear his cheesy after school special right now. This is real. I scan the crowd to find her. She’s shrunken back into a group of people, but I stop and wait until she looks at me. I know she can feel me glaring her down. When our eyes finally meet, I notice she’s still crying, shaking her head, no. I don’t care. I don’t feel sorry for her.
“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Caden. Caden Woodley.” I pause when I hear her audible gasp. Time to get a taste of your own Black medicine, baby. I squint my eyes and growl. “I am here today to overcome my fear of driving. A fear I never used to have until this past Thanksgiving.” I look around at the crowd, and let the sarcasm drip from my voice. “Why, oh why would a seventeen year old guy be afraid of DRIVING?”
No answer.
“Well, let me tell you. There was this guy. A real ASSHOLE. He beat my twin sister. Stalked her. Broke into my truck. Stole my gun. And used it to chase us over an icy cliff!” I stop and chuckle, shaking my head. “The irony is, this ASSHOLE, happened to be HER,” I point at Avery Black, “BROTHER!”
I hear gasps firing out around the room, but I don’t even look back. I push away from the podium, stomp down the aisle, and slam open the front door. I’ve got to get out of here. And fast. Thank God my mom is in the car waiting.
“How’d it go, son?” my Mom’s voice is coated with sugar. It makes me want to throw up.
“Let’s just say, something tells me, I’m not going to be invited back.”
I GET UP TO RUN to the bathroom again. I can’t believe I fell for Pistol Black’s sister. I kissed her. I liked it. My mind won’t stop battling itself. It’s tearing me up inside. One minute I’m disgusted over who she is and the next I miss her so much it hurts. I hate this. How could she do this to me? Doesn’t she know how much I’ve already been through? She was my last hope. My reason to move forward. I miss laughing. I miss feeling good. When was the last time I was happy? It feels like forever.
I think of the New Year’s party. How exuberant she was. How we moved together with ease. She was beautiful that night. It was one of the best nights of my life. She’s the one who made me happy again. It was her. Every bit of joy I’ve had since the accident was because of something she said. Something she did. Was it all a trick? I know she thinks she’s really sly pulling one over on me like this. How could I be such a fool?
The thought of wanting the one girl in this world that I can’t have, makes me sick. This feels like a cruel joke. Another roar escapes my throat. It’s accompanied by a rush of yellow fluid. I don’t know how I can keep doing this. There’s nothing left in me. My throat hurts. My muscles ache. I can’t breathe.
There’s a knock at the bathroom door. My sister softly whispers, “Caden, I hear you in there. When you’re done, come out and talk to me. Maybe I can help.”
“Go away.”
I hear thumping on the wall. She’s so stubborn sometimes. She’s doing the same thing to me that she does to Mom when she locks her out of the bathroom. Standing with her back to the wall, slapping her palms against it til she drives me so crazy that I have to come out.
“I’m going to wait here until you come out. You’ve got to tell somebody what happened at that group. It’s been a whole week. Caden, Mom’s in there crying again. She thinks it’s her fault for making you go. What did they do to you in there?”
I rinse my mouth and brush my teeth. I lean my head up against the door, but I’m not going to open it. “Tell her it’s not her fault. They didn’t do anything to me. It was me. I made an ass of myself.”
“I know. They called Mom and told her you’re not welcome back. No details on why.”
“It’s hard to hear you through the door. Won’t you come out and talk to me about it?”
I do not want to talk about this. I need an excuse, and it has to be one that T will relate to. I finally come up with a plausible reason for rejecting her counseling services. “It’s a school night. I need to get to bed. I can’t focus when I’m tired.”
“You’ve been using that excuse all week, so that one’s not going to fly with me. Besides, Fridays are easy. You don’t even have to focus. Plus, you get to leave early for ski practice.”
She’s not buying it. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to talk to her for a few minutes. She’d probably understand how pissed I am better than anyone. This is so messed up. I decide to open the door to face my sister and fess up to what I’ve done.
“You okay?”
I know she sees the pain etched on my face. There’s no way to hide the hurt. The hate. The emptiness I feel right now. “Do I look okay?”
“You look like you should lie down. Why don’t we go in your room for a minute?”
I’m relieved to get out of the bright, fluorescent light. My head is pounding, and all I want to do is close my eyes and forget about everything. As I sit down on my bed, Kaitlyn sits beside me, handing me two ibuprofen and a glass of water.
“Thought you might need these.”
I don’t respond.
“I can put them back if you don’t want them.”
“Oh no, I want them.” I scoop the medicine from her hand and swallow it down in one quick gulp. I can see that despite my absence from the family room the last week, our twin telepathy is still intact. “Thanks, T.” I raise th
e glass in appreciation for the much needed pain killers.
“So, are you ready to tell me what happened at the support group? You’re killing us with the secrecy. You won’t even come out of your room. What’s going on with you?”
I struggle to find the words. This could affect Kaitlyn every bit as much as it’s affected me. How can I tell her that I’ve been seeing Pistol Black’s sister without sending her into a tailspin? I don’t want to be responsible for destroying the progress she’s made since she got rid of that bastard. Those memories might be more than she can handle right now.
I take a deep breath, and release it.
“Why are you so afraid to talk to me? We tell each other everything, remember?”
“Well, it kind of affects you.” I look down toward the ground. I can’t look her in the eyes when I tell her this. “It might anyway.”
“What could’ve possibly happened at that group that would involve me? You’re really scaring me, Caden. Tell me what’s going on. Please.”
I know she thinks whatever I tell her she can handle, but this … this is different. How could she forgive me for getting involved with Pistol’s sister? I can’t believe I didn’t see the family resemblance. I need to come clean. She has a right to know.
“Okay. There was someone there. Someone I wasn’t expecting.”
“Who? Who was it?”
I’m going to blow her world apart right now. I throw my head back and stare up at the ceiling, releasing an explosion of air.
When I finally gather the nerve, I mumble her name under my breath.
“Who?”
I decide to look at her this time. “His sister.”
She shakes her head as a look of confusion covers her face. “Whose sister? What? You’re not making any sense.”
Again, I mumble. But this time I use his name.
“Stop with the games. Whose sister was at the meeting?”
“Pistol Black’s sister … alright? It was his sister. I didn’t even know he had a damned sister. Did you?”
She cocks her head ever so slightly. “Avery?”
A look of curiosity crosses her face, as she pinches her eyebrows into a “v.” It’s not fury I’m detecting. Why doesn’t she seem angrier?
After a few stunned moments of silence, she finally questions, “Avery Black? Why would she be at a support group in the South County, when she lives in the valley?”
Well, that one’s easy. Maybe if she lived in the valley I would’ve been a little more suspicious of a little brown-haired, brown-eyed cowgirl. “Oh, she doesn’t live in the valley. She’s staying with her cousin in Mount Shasta.”
“How do you know all this? Did you talk to her?”
“You’re going to hate me when I tell you this.”
“Caden, I could never hate you. What is it? You’re really starting to scare me.”
I take a deep breath, trying to gather the courage needed for the final blow. “T.”
Pause.
“You know the girl I’ve been seeing? The one I was sorta keeping to myself?”
My sister freezes in place.
Oh, man. I knew I shouldn’t go here. She’s going to blow. She’s opening her mouth. Here it comes.
“No.”
Breathe.
“Way …”
Oh no. Oh no. I scrunch my eyes closed and clench my muscles tightly, preparing for the wrath of a teenage sister scorned.
There’s an extended silence. I’d better look. When I crack open my eyelid to sneak a peek, she’s shaking her head. Huh. Does she understand what I just said? She doesn’t look as mad as I thought she would. She looks more …
“What?” she whispers.
This is it. She’s going to lose it.
She straightens up, staring at me. Her mouth bobs open and closed, but no words come out.
“I didn’t know, T. I promise, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I never would’ve …”
At that moment, the most unexpected thing happens. My sister bursts out into a fit of laughter. “Avery Black? She’s your mystery girl? My brother is dating little Avery Black?”
“This isn’t funny, T. Aren’t you pissed at me? Why aren’t you yelling at me? Are you just laughing out of shock?”
“Oh, I’m shocked alright. Shocked that you had no idea about Avery. Why didn’t I think of this before? She’s perfect for you!”
She’s being irrational. I think she’s lost it. “Are you okay?” I study her face for signs of a mental breakdown. “Kaitlyn, it’s Pistol’s sister!”
“So.”
“So?”
“Caden, it’s not fair to hold someone’s sins against their family member. I love Avery Black. She’s nothing like her brother. She’s a sweet, funny, amazing girl. I can’t believe you didn’t know about her.”
“Why would I know about her? You never mentioned her.” I am so confused right now. My sister isn’t mad at me? She loves Avery Black? And she’s defending her?
“Haven’t you seen her at my swim meets? She’s been swimming against me for like seven years.”
“She’s on your team?”
“No. She swims for the valley.”
Well, that explains it. I hate going to those meets. As soon as T’s done with her race, Dad and I take off to camp and fish. I never pay attention to anyone, but my sister. But, I’m not going to tell her that. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I just come up with another line. “Well, people look a little different wearing caps and goggles.”
“True.”
There’s another silence between us. “So, Avery Black. You like her?”
I swallow hard, hoping to control the sadness in my voice. “Did!”
“What do you mean, did?”
“It’s over. She lied to me.”
“If it’s the same Avery I know, that’s hard to believe. She’s one of the most transparent people I know. What you see is what you get. How do you figure she lied to you?”
“She never told me she was his sister.”
She pauses for a moment. I know by the way she’s looking at me, I’m in for some sisterly advice. “Did you ever tell her you were my brother?”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is, she could be thinking the same thing. Why didn’t you ever tell her you were my twin?” There’s a long pause before Kaitlyn starts in again. “Caden, I’m not sure how you and Avery ever hooked up, but why in the world would she start a conversation about her crazy, missing brother who may have been responsible for nearly killing two teenagers. It’s not a great conversation starter, you know. Maybe the fact that she didn’t talk to you about it tells you just how much she likes you. She probably thought if you knew what her brother did, your opinion of her might change … and look what happened when you found out … it did.”
I begin to think through all of our conversations, and how I did know something was going on with her. Before I knew what it actually was, I felt awful for her. This is what was going on with Avery?
“Caden, stop and think about this for a minute. What did Avery do to you? She’s just as much a victim as you are. I know it’s easy to blame the family, but seriously, I don’t even blame them.”
I have a hard time understanding how my sister is so forgiving. How can she not blame them? They let him get away with this. Didn’t they? I have to convince her that she’s way off base about this. “T, listen…” I start to whine.
“No.” She raises her hand. “You listen. Avery Black is one of the nicest girls I know. I’ve always liked her. She’s sweet as pie and loyal to a fault. And if I know anything about that girl, she’s dying inside right now. No matter what you or I think of Pistol, she looked up to him. He was her big brother. And I know for a fact, that he’s done things for her that you can’t even imagine. Caden, she just found out she lost her hero.”
“Hero?” I’m sure she can detect the vomit gurgling beneath my words. What?
“There’s more to Pistol than you
know.” She looks at me like she actually believes it. “Look, I know you don’t like him. He’s done some unforgivable things. But, Avery is not Pistol. She didn’t do anything to anybody. Don’t be one of those people. Just put yourself in her shoes for a minute.” She stands up and pats me on the back. “I’m not sure how things ended with you two, but please don’t turn your back on her. Fix this.” She whispers as she walks toward the door. “For me?”
I think about it. I picture little, wild-haired Avery riding on her brother’s back. I envision hide and seek, climbing trees, and swimming down river. Holding her arm proudly to take pictures for her first school dance. All the things T and I have done as brother and sister. Then, my mind flashes forward to what’s probably getting ready to happen, if it hasn’t already. I see her sweet face, sitting in the front pew at her brother’s funeral. Bent over his casket. Dropping her last gift into the open grave. I hate the thought of seeing her heart break in two. Torn up over a nightmare that she had nothing to do with.
Oh my God, what have I done? How unfair was I to attack her? Not only attack her, but shame her in front of all those people? I’m such an ass. How could I put her through that kind of pain?
“T, I think I messed up.”
She stops in the doorway and looks back over her shoulder. “Yeah, you did … but I think you know what you should do to make it right.”
“What if she won’t talk to me?”
“She might not. You may have to work really hard to fix this. But, isn’t she worth fighting for?”
ME: YOU PROBABLY HATE ME right now. Heck, I hate me right now. You didn’t deserve what I did to you. I need to say that to you. But I want to do it in person. Please text me.
I hit send on one of the most humbling texts of my life. I don’t expect her to text me back. I’m probably going to have to track her down at practice tomorrow and beg for forgiveness. I will too. I’ll do whatever it takes to make her know that she didn’t deserve what I did to her. I hope I didn’t send her over the edge. Destroy her completely. She’s probably already taking on so much guilt from what her brother did. And I’m sure I made her feel like it was her guilt to own. How could I be one of those people? I’ve got to take that guilt away. Let her know that I wasn’t thinking straight, and I don’t even come close to believing it’s her fault.