by Shaun Plair
“What are you talking about?”
“Four fifty-seven.” He held his hand out for me to pay. “I’m just saying you need to find somewhere else for that, next time I’ll have to call a manager or something.”
I gulped and handed him my draining debit card.
“Have a nice day,” he chastised, handing me a bag with my breakfast.
This time I wouldn’t look at him, grabbing the bag and rushing outside of the gas station.
Shit.
Outside I was marginally more aware of my appearance, glancing around to see if any people pumping gas stared. I guessed I could look around some, find a new place to wash up. Another store? At school? The gym? That was it! Gym showers after school, starting Monday. Why hadn’t I thought of it before?
The slow walk home took a half hour, and it was starting to get pretty hot out. By the time I got to the shack I had built up a significant sweat. The orange juice and donuts didn’t taste like much, but I chewed and swallowed until they were gone. It seemed everything that kept happening was slapping me over and over again on the back of my head, reminding me that everything I was doing was ridiculous.
But homework and music would pass the time. Schoolwork was at least something in my control, and the right songs might soothe the crazies in my stomach, if even just a little. Hours passed and the world of problem solving and rhythm took me from the hell of life for a while. Then, at 7:06, a text came in from Kylie.
You’re going tonight right?
My mom is working tonight, I have no ride, I replied.
We’ll pick you up at eight-thirty.
… Ok. : )
Flushes of excitement, horror, and what am I doing going to a party in this situation? flooded my mind while I searched for the cutest outfit I’d brought with me. My butt wasn’t quite big enough to fill the shorts out, but my thighs and calves look pretty good. The blouse was white with yellow, orange, and pink stripes. Dad had bought it for me over a year ago when he took me on a shopping spree for my fifteenth birthday, right before Mom got sick.
I’d learned in a Home Ec. class freshman year that horizontal lines cause the eye to look side to side, making the body seem wider. For me that was good. The stripes might just give observers the illusion that I had a normal-sized body. I rarely wore makeup, but I grabbed the small purple pouch from my big bag and headed into the bathroom. The mirror’s long cracks and missing pieces posed a challenge, but I could work around them. I brushed and parted my hair until it perfectly framed my cheeks and jawbones, then applied some light eyeliner, careful not to use too much.
Brown eye shadow seemed to accent my skin tone, being a few shades darker than my skin; I figured it gave me an ominous, “party look.” Finally, I pulled out the lip-gloss kit I couldn’t recall ever using before. The first layer was color, the second the gloss. I figured it out.
Looking at the result, a wisp of air breezed out of me. Ana looked good. The girls would think I got all pretty for David, but it wasn’t for him. Maybe I did want to impress him some, but I wanted to impress everyone, myself too. I wanted everyone to envy me. If I was going to ride out this insane situation, I wanted it to be worth it. I could almost taste the feeling I’d have as eyes glared at me from every girl and guy in the place.
I checked the time. 7:48. The girls would be in Dr. Gomez’s neighborhood in forty minutes, and it would take me about twenty-five to get there. Rushing, I tidied my things in the shack, making sure I left everything orderly. Once everything looked okay, I was out the door, headed toward the gorgeous, terrifying neighborhood that had brought nothing but disappointment the past two times I was there.
I really hoped everyone in the neighborhood was at work, or asleep or something. Why had I told them to pick me up from there? In the night’s darkness, I depended on the light of the streetlights and my phone’s light, having stylishly left my flashlight at home. Uncomfortable and paranoid, I walked with a hurried pace, grateful each time I passed a lighted building.
Even with the speedy pace, I didn’t arrive at the entrance of Dr. Gomez’s neighborhood until 8:15. The last thing I wanted was to cause suspicion in a neighborhood I pretended to live in. The two houses close enough to see me hugging my ribs in front of the neighborhood entrance showed no signs of any light or movement inside. Finally a break, perhaps? On cue, a green mini-van turned into the neighborhood, and the man in front squinted hard at me as he slowed the car to examine me. I waved, and smiled, until he continued on into the neighborhood.
I dialed Taylor.
“Hello?”
“Hey, let me know when you guys are close.”
“We’re like two minutes away.”
Thank God.
“Okay, I’m right in front of the entrance,” I told her.
“You know we could’ve just come up to your house.”
“It’s fine, I just wanted to make it easier for you guys.”
I heard nothing for a moment and shook with anticipation.
“Okay!” Taylor said. “We’re almost there.”
Within minutes a dark blue SUV approached the entrance. Through its windows I could see girls giggling and waving, and I could gradually make out their faces as the SUV moved closer. When they turned into the neighborhood and stopped, I hurried to the car, letting the excitement in their faces spread a newfound energy across my own. Brit opened the back door for me to hop in, and they all greeted me as we sped away from “my neighborhood.” I looked back in the darkness, and noticed a light flick on in one of the top windows of the house closest to the entrance. I ducked my head into the car and closed the door.
Back on the main road of the neighborhood, after pulling a u-ee in the nearest cul-de-sac, Taylor cranked up the volume on the stereo. “This is my song!” she called, raising a hand in the air. I took one last glance at the dark houses that surrounded us before we turned left at the entrance. Kylie called out a request for the next song, and with a last sigh of relief, we left the neighborhood to disappear behind us.
“Ana, I heard David’s looking forward to seeing you tonight,” Brit called from the front seat. She was the car DJ, and she turned down the music to make sure I heard her when she spoke.
“Who told you that?” I asked.
“He did,” Brit said. I saw Taylor glance at me in the rearview mirror from the driver’s seat.
“David’s not shy about that kind of stuff,” Kylie said. “He’s interested. He’s made that clear.”
I sighed. “Well, I just met the guy, you know. I’m not even looking for a boyfriend right now.”
“Well there’s no pressure, hun,” Arianna added.
I thought about the words she said. No pressure. And a smile crept on my face. No one had to like me; the shield of Ana covered me, and they would love Ana. Plus, they didn’t know much about Ana, so I had absolutely zero expectations to live up to. I was beginning to love that.
At the end of the song Arianna requested, we turned down a road that led us past a subdivision entrance up to the clubhouse where the party was being held. People covered the front yard, many heading inside and some talking outside. A couple of the girls let out shrieks as Taylor parked the car. I laughed at them, but couldn’t help getting excited myself. Soon enough I was more excited than nervous, so much, I barely felt the nerves.
Once we stopped, I fingered through the back of my hair and leaped out of the tall SUV, the last one out. Repetitive bass and high-pitched notes oozed from the clubhouse: typical pop music. Pink and purple lights shone through the windows as the shadows inside moved in and out of view.
As I closed the door, I noticed the girls patting each other’s hair and checking each other’s teeth and breath, flicking about like hens at feeding time. Obviously a ritual. Each told the other that she looked hot, and they even included me.
“You fit right in, Ana,” Brit said, and I let a smile slip. We walked up to the front door together, chatting in a shapeless blob, and Arianna linked her arm with mine
.
“So I’ve been trying to hide it. But honestly, I’m so freaking excited to see Brandon,” Arianna admitted. I remembered he was that tall basketball player who hung out with David a lot. “If everything goes as planned tonight, me, him, you and David will be on a double date next weekend.” I chuckled at her forward thinking. “If you want,” she added, carefully.
Finally to the door, the lights turned blue as we entered, and immediately the noise level increased. I could feel the bass vibrating the floors.
To the left, people sat in foldout chairs and snacked on chips or cheese puffs. Mostly girls filled those seats. To the right I could see a bar where soft drinks and water were being served—yes, served—by what must have been the host’s little brother.
“There’s Hailey,” Taylor called, pointing to a short, round girl with a brunette bob shaping her face. Hailey noticed Taylor and shuffled over, clearly excited to see her.
“Tay!” she called as she ran into a hug with Taylor, pulling Brit into the hug too.
“So glad you guys could come,” she said, smiling at all of the girls in our group, then squinting her eyes when she saw me.
“Hi,” she said, “I’m Hailey.”
“Hey, I’m Ana,” I said and waved.
“Well thanks for coming guys, there’s a game room over there and refreshments in the back. Let me know if you need anything.” Her attention had left us before she even finished speaking, as two girls were coming in behind us that she was much more excited to see.
A group of guys had concentrated in the game room Hailey had directed us to. Some were shooting pool, a few playing poker. Most of the people in the clubhouse, though, were huddled on the tile under two rotating strobe lights. They weren’t one-on-one dancing yet; instead, a crowd circled two or three guys bouncing around in the middle.
I followed the girls to the room with the pool table, and we migrated toward the back of the room, where Brandon stood towering over two of the other guys. Sydney or Ana, I sort of liked the whole traveling-as-a-pack thing. I scanned the room for David, but didn’t see him.
“Ladies,” Brandon called in his drawn-out fashion. “Nice of you to join us.” The girls sitting in chairs behind us watched enviously.
“Good things come with patience,” Taylor reassured him, laughing.
The guys hugged and greeted me with as much welcome as they did the rest of the girls. One shortish guy, definitely not an athlete, whispered to me, “You look great.” The words startled me, and I grinned. Sydney would have been polite and said something nice about how he looked. Ana smiled, and turned away to the next hug.
The last to greet me was Brandon.
“David called me, he said he’s going to be late,” Brandon told me, as if I’d asked. “He said he had to finish chores first, or something like that. But he’s coming.”
I nodded, and leaned into the hug Brandon was wrapping me in, relieved at his David-update. I was free to flirt for a little while, not tied down to one guy, one place.
“Enough hugging, let’s get back to the game,” Brandon called, rounding the guys back around the pool table, and leaving us girls scattered between them.
We watched the guys play, one of us taking a turn every now and then. On Arianna’s turn, I whispered with Taylor while Brandon “taught” Arianna how to shoot pool. He was a hands-on teacher, of course. We shot her suggestive looks, and she giggled and rolled her eyes at us.
Right after her shot—that completely missed the hole due to her immense distraction—a new song came on and everyone took notice. There was unanimous excitement at the start of “Sexy and I Know It.”
“Let’s go!” Taylor demanded as she and what seemed like everyone else in the room pushed through the door to the dance floor.
Everyone around me partnered off. The shortish guy grabbed me before I could say no. So I danced with him, fist pumping and “wiggling,” until I had forgotten all about Sydney and her lifetime of problems. I was having a blast as Ana. Through that song and the next, and the song after that, we kept on dancing. Eventually I managed to get Brit to switch guys with me.
She gave a quiet sigh and shook her head as she took Mr. Shortish away from me and I started to dance with Kevin, from Math class. Thankfully I was a decent dancer, and I actually liked to dance. Kevin didn’t seem to mind the switch.
The relief ended, though, when I felt a hand in mine.
“Can I cut in?”
It was David.
“Oh, go ahead, man,” Kevin said, politely enough.
Absolutely, the line was cheesy, but it was still cute. I hugged David, and he held on longer than I had intended, causing me to instantly hope he wasn’t getting too attached.
Either way, David took my hand and pulled me close to dance with him. His body was warm and his arms were strong, and enveloping. He moved without any sharp stops, watching what he was careful not to touch, as I moved with him. A few songs passed, and I looked up to see his eyes anticipating meeting mine. He smiled, and tightened his hands on my waist, letting his eyes fall to the floor. I placed my hands over his.
And then the song changed, clockwork.
The new song magnetized all the guys in the room into a yelling mosh pit in the center of the dance floor. I watched David’s attention drain from me and head straight for the cluster of jumping boys.
“I’m kind of tired,” I told him, letting him free.
He tried to look disappointed, but kissed my cheek before hurrying off into the center of the pit. I glanced around, not able to find any of the girls in my quick scan. I found Arianna, but she was wrapped up in Brandon, literally. And then I remembered: free, not-school cafeteria, not-gas station food.
In the back of the place, past the game room, stood a table covered with neatly arranged refreshments. I surveyed the variety of food before choosing which to indulge in first. Deciding on a Tostitos chip, I dipped it in red salsa and pulled the chip to my mouth, relishing the first taste.
Mid-bite, I felt a hand graze the small of my back, as if someone were passing by in a crowded place. Except it wasn’t crowded where I was. I looked right, the direction in which the touch had slid, and my breathing stopped.
The tall, dark-haired boy looked down at me, his hand not having left my back. Eric Brantley gave me his smirk that was becoming too familiar to me. His lips puckered slightly, but he didn’t speak. I didn’t either, seeing as I couldn’t breathe. For a second or two that might have been a century, I stood there, a broken chip in my hand and the other half of it disintegrating in my mouth. He chuckled.
I finally remembered to take in a breath. The whole scene was utterly out of character for Ana. As usual, Sydney panicked in search of a napkin to wipe the salsa from her face.
Finally, when my mouth was clear, I said, “Hey.”
He slipped his hand from my back, leaving me surprised at how long he’d left it there.
“There she is,” he said. “I was beginning to question if that girl I saw dancing over there was really you.”
That was right. I’d been Ana while I was dancing. Sydney’s stupidity made him forget any possible awe he could’ve had for Ana.
“I don’t know what to make of that,” I said, and his eyes grazed every spot on my face.
“You and I aren’t so different, you know.”
I couldn’t stop myself. “Oh? How’s that?”
“You don’t want people to know you.”
His words hung in the air, until they submitted to gravity and fell, stabbing my lungs like a thousand sharpened needles. I tried to think of the most Ana thing I could possibly say. “You really think you’ve got me all figured out, huh. It’s cute.”
He looked unfazed. An aura of victory beamed through him I couldn’t afford to ignore. It was like, he knew something. I stood in front of him with my arms crossed, unable to formulate speech. My breaths were short and fast. Too scared and uncomfortable to do anything else, I turned away from him, heading back to the dance
floor. I knew his eyes followed me, but I didn’t dare risk checking to see. I found Kevin as a Katy Perry song shook the floors.
To my chagrin, Eric wasn’t finished playing. He slid into the big mob of people, and found a girl dancing by herself, just slow and careful enough to catch me by surprise. Since when does the quiet guy who’s also a sarcastic know-it-all, who barely talks to anybody but when he does it’s to people like David and Brandon, suddenly go to parties and know how to dance? My anxiety roared.
I tried to focus on Kevin while we danced. In side-glances, I could see David watching me. He was dancing with a petite girl, looking uninterested at my first glance, but gradually angrier and more invested with each glance after that. Some sort of jealousy had made its way to David, and he broke away from his partner, smooth and confident as always, to tap Kevin on the shoulder.
Kevin whispered a goodbye in my ear and politely let David step in, again. I looked up to see if anyone had taken notice of my discomfort. Of course, Eric had.
How I envied that boy. He did the mysterious thing ten times better than me. After a moment, he took his partner’s hand and led her toward David and me. He watched us with an intent I didn’t understand.
“Is that Brantley?” David’s deep voice called. Why won’t this kid leave me alone?
Eric nodded in recognition and approached us. I noticed the grasp Eric had on the girl’s hand, and waited for him to stop walking, to see if he would still hold it then. Finally they got to us and stopped; Eric let go, and as he released his hand I exhaled.
He didn’t even look at me. A show for David? A show for me?
The girl with Eric eyed me like I was the dress in the designer store she could never afford. The instant our eyes met she looked to her right, and then around, and then rested her gaze on Eric’s face. Naturally, I followed her eyes to Eric.
In that moment, the moving lights above us turned and shined directly onto his skin so that I saw every line of it. His dark eyes, perfectly round almonds, his nose, soft but angular, pointing forward from between two thick black eyebrows. His thin pink lips curved to the side in his ever-so-charming grin that froze and burned in the same tick. I watched him speak but I could hear nothing, except the urge inside me revving up to the point that I had to hold myself to keep from touching him. Then, the trance was obliterated when I heard the name come from his mouth.