by Melanie Rose
“You need help,” he said shakily. “There are doctors who can help you, Jessica.”
“No. No one can help. I didn’t want to hurt you, Dan. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything before, but I knew you wouldn’t understand. No one can do anything to help me.”
Dan laid a hand tentatively on my shoulder and I rubbed the side of my face on the back of his hand, closing my eyes at the feel of his skin, warm on mine for what I feared might be the last time.
I felt the tears starting, but I choked them silently away, turning to look up at him in what I dreaded would be our final moments together.
His face was gray and hollow. I could see the sorrow etched deeply into his being, and knew that I was responsible for hurting the person I had come to love most in all the world.
“If it’s some sort of dual personality disorder,” he whispered fearfully, “there are places you can go…”
“I told you, it’s not a disorder, it’s real. I really am living as two different people.”
“No, Jessica! That isn’t possible. You must talk to someone about this…”
“Good-bye, Dan,” I murmured as I slipped out from under the deadweight of his hand and made my way to the door. “Tell your father I think he’s great… and Dan?”
“Yes?”
“Look after Frankie for me.”
I wasn’t sure what prompted me to ask him to look after Frankie for me. It was a gut feeling… something I couldn’t quite put my finger on—a sixth sense that she would be better off with him, for tonight at least. During the long walk home the rain started. It began as a whisper of moisture against my skin, increasing gradually until I had to wipe droplets from my eyelashes. I hardly felt the cold; I was too numb already. By the time I reached my flat, my clothes were soaked through and my feet were squelching inside my shoes. Without even bothering to dry off or turn on the lights, I closed the front door behind me, kicked off my sodden shoes, and flopped down onto the couch, burying my head in my arms.
It was still raining heavily when I awoke at midday in Lauren’s bed; I could hear it lashing against the bedroom window. Consciousness as Lauren was hardly more appealing than how I’d felt as Jessica, and before I’d even opened my eyes I began to sob uncontrollably, hugging the frilled pillow to me and curling my racked body into a fetal position around it.
After a while, I heard a knock on the bedroom door and Karen’s voice asking if I was all right.
I sat up and wiped my nose on the back of my hand, sniffing loudly.
“You can come in,” I called in a nasal croak, sitting up with the pillow still clutched in my arms.
“What on earth’s happened?” she said, taking one look at me and hurrying across the room to perch on the edge of the bed.
“I told Dan the truth about what’s happening to me, and he thinks I’m insane,” I sniffled, the tears flowing freely again. “I mean he would, wouldn’t he? No one in their right mind would believe such a story. I wouldn’t have believed it myself if it hadn’t happened to me.”
“I believe it,” Karen said, putting her arm around my shaking shoulders. “Did you give him a chance to absorb what you told him, or did you just drop it on him from a great height and run away?”
I squinted at her through swollen eyelids. “Okay, I ran away, but he didn’t come after me, did he?”
“How do you know he isn’t banging on the door of your flat right now?”
“It won’t make any difference,” I wailed, breaking into a fresh torrent of sobs. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be two people. It’s not fair to anyone, least of all me!”
“I know, I know,” Karen said soothingly. “I wondered how long you’d be able to keep it up, but Lauren, think of the children. They need you! What would happen to this family without you? Grant can hardly cope with the children on his own. Without you their lives would be in the hands of a long succession of nannies. The children love you, Lauren. I’ve seen how happy everyone has been since you arrived.”
“But I’m an imposter! I’m not their real mother. I’m lying to them and to Grant and to everyone I meet while I’m in her body.”
“Would you rather they had no mother at all?”
“You could look after them. They love you.”
“They love me as an auntie. I’m not cut out to be a mum. I like being here, helping, but my life is in London. I love my job, Lauren, and I love Jen. Can you see Grant allowing me and my partner to move in here?”
She paused as I smiled through my tears, sniffing loudly. “Probably not.”
Sensing a moment of weakness, she gave me a squeeze. “Please, Lauren, I know I’m asking an awful lot of you. And I don’t know what you’re going to do about Dan, but Lauren has to stay.” She set her lips in a firm line. “Come on, get up. I thought we might go out together and look for a swing set for the garden, as you suggested.”
“I can’t go out looking like this,” I exclaimed, throwing down the pillow and walking over to the bathroom, where I peered in the mirror. “My face is all puffed up.”
“It’s raining; no one will notice,” she said. “Come on, I’ve put all the clean laundry away while you’ve been over in Epsom, and I’ve put a chicken casserole in the oven for later, so you’ve got time to come out with me.”
It took twenty minutes to make Lauren’s face look respectable enough to go out, then Karen and I headed off to the farm where we’d taken the children the previous week. I’d noticed then that they were selling play equipment, and we headed back there to order a huge multi-swing gym. In the converted barn restaurant we ate a late lunch, which I toyed with listlessly, hardly tasting the food. Karen tried to jolly me along, and together we chose the equipment we wanted. Later, Karen watched anxiously under the shelter of the huge barn roof while I tapped Lauren’s pin numbers into the credit card machine.
“I’m glad they’re willing to deliver it,” she said as we ran through the rain back to the car. “We’d never have gotten it into your van.”
I smiled wanly, glad she’d made me come out of the house. “I hope Grant will be able to put it together when it arrives,” I said as I started the engine. “I’m hopeless at those self-assembly things.”
Looking in the mirror, ready to reverse, I let out a long slow whistle of breath.
“Don’t look now,” I told Karen. “But there’s my stalker.”
Jason was standing astride his powerful bike, watching us, his blond hair plastered to his head as rivulets of water ran down his face.
“He must be mad to be out in weather like this on a bike,” Karen exclaimed, swiveling her head to stare at him. “What does he think he’s going to achieve by hounding you?”
“I don’t know,” I said grimly as I nosed the car through the puddles and out of the parking lot onto the tarmac access road. “But he must have followed us from home. We probably didn’t notice him because of the rain.”
As I swept the car up the road, the bike came zooming past, throwing up flumes of spray.
“Bloody hell!” Karen shrieked as the bike stopped suddenly in front of us.
I floored the brakes, the wheels screaming for traction on the wet surface. The car spun sideways, narrowly missing the bike, but ended up with the passenger wheels half up a grassy bank. Karen lowered her window and yelled obscenities at Jason, who was sitting staring at us a little way off.
“Bugger off, you idiot!” Karen shouted. “Or I’ll report you to the police.”
Jason calmly gunned the bike toward us, and stopped only when its front wheel was rammed up against the driver’s door. He rapped on the window until I reluctantly wound it down.
“This is doing no good,” I said wearily as the rain splashed onto my face and arm through the open window. “Leave me alone, Jason.”
He stared at me with his wild blue eyes and I shuddered at the desperation I saw there.
“I’m never giving you up,” he hissed. “I know you love me. You’re only staying with them out of a misplaced s
ense of duty.”
“No, I’m staying because I want to.”
“You don’t know the half of it, though,” he said coldly. “What do you think I came to talk to you about that day in the park? You tried telling me it was too risky meeting me with the children there, but I knew there was no risk at all.”
I stared at him, dreading what he might be about to say.
He thrust his wet head through the open window. “I came to tell you Grant knew about us,” he said. “That bastard husband of yours had found out about me. And do you know what he did about it?”
I sat rigidly, waiting for him to tell me, while the rain hammered down on the windshield and trickled down Jason’s face.
“He tried to pay me off, Lauren. He thinks money can solve everything. He knew about us, but he thought I’d go away like a good little boy if he paid me enough of his precious money.”
Gasping, I clutched at my throat, which seemed to be constricting painfully. I could barely breathe. So Grant had known all along! No wonder he’d been skeptical about Lauren’s memory loss! He must have thought Jason had told me he’d found out about us and that I’d used the lightning strike to fake a lost memory to avoid the consequences of his wrath. And no wonder he’d taken my mobile phone and ignored Jason’s pleading messages, I thought numbly.
Jason was still hovering over me, his presence a horrible reminder of Lauren’s indiscretions and Grant’s overbearing possessiveness.
Karen leaned across from the passenger side and glared at him. “No matter what you say, she’s staying with her family, get it? She’s made her choice, and you’re not it. Now get lost.”
“You told me something that day in the park, too,” Jason pressed on, ignoring Karen’s comment. “You told me why you’d decided to come away with me as soon as the time was right.”
I peered up at him, the rain cold on my face through the open window. Something in his eyes reminded me suddenly of Dan. He was looking at me in that same sorrowful way that Dan had looked at me last night, full of love and pity and desperation.
“Tell me,” I said at last.
“He hit you,” he said, raising his voice against the roar of the rain, watching my reaction with piercing eyes. “Before I could warn you that Grant had found out about us, you told me you already knew. He’d knocked you about badly, Lauren! You said he’d done it before. I begged you to come away with me there and then, but you refused to leave the retarded boy with him. You were afraid he’d take out his anger and frustration on him. You were going to find a new nanny for the other kids and put the boy safely out of harm’s way in a home. When they were settled, we were going to start a new life. You promised, Lauren. You said you loved me.”
I sat dumbly, trying to assimilate everything he’d told me. I remembered the bruises I’d seen on Lauren’s ribs when I had stood in the shower that first time in the hospital. I’d believed they were the result of vigorous CPR, but now I wondered if they had been the result of Grant’s anger. There had been the bruising to my arms, too, when he’d held me tightly after we’d met Jason in the restaurant. It would also explain why Lauren had been looking at special homes without her husband’s knowledge, I thought grimly.
“I’m not leaving the children, Jason,” I said quietly.
He leaned swiftly in at the window and kissed me full on the mouth. When I didn’t respond, he stood back, stared at me for what seemed like an eternity, then backed away from the car, revving his engine wildly. For an awful moment I thought he was going to come at us again and ram the car with his bike, but then he backed the bike up and turned the wheel away from us.
“If I can’t have you, he’s not having you either!” he shouted.
We watched, struck dumb as Jason gunned the bike and zoomed away, the sound of the bike quickly fading into the mist and rain.
The honking of a horn behind us made us both jump, and I realized we were partially blocking the access-road. Shaking, I pulled the steering wheel around until the car screeched and skidded off the bank, then I waved my thanks at the other driver for waiting, and headed back onto the main road.
“Was that a death threat?” I asked Karen fearfully as we headed for home, my voice trembling and my mouth dry. “Would he rather see me dead than living with Grant?”
Karen frowned, obviously worried. “The ranting of a jilted lover, certainly. But we have to hope he wouldn’t really do anything.”
“Should we call the police, do you think?”
“I don’t think there’s much they could do. He hasn’t hurt you, has he? And I don’t believe he would. I think he’s just besotted with you.”
Dan’s words came back to me, telling me that he was besotted with me, Jessica. Poor Jason, I thought. Poor Dan. Back at the house we made tea and drank it quietly, not sure what to say to each other while the rain pelted relentlessly down outside. It was nearly time for the school pickup, and I asked Karen if she’d mind coming with me, just in case Jason returned for another attempt to win his lover back.
“What am I going to do about Grant?” I asked as we drove through the rain once more. “Lauren was obviously scared for herself and Teddy.”
“Jason might have been making it up,” Karen cautioned. “He would have said anything to win you back.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It all makes sense. Grant is so controlling. He would never have let Lauren leave him, and he definitely knew about Jason, that’s why he was so reluctant to believe in the memory loss. He probably couldn’t believe his luck that just as his world was about to fall apart he was miraculously handed another chance. Lauren couldn’t remember the affair, or the fact that he’d hit her. And it explains why he didn’t know about the home for Teddy; Lauren was probably organizing that in secret.”
It was pitch dark by the time we got to the boys’ school and parked outside. If Jason had been lurking somewhere about we wouldn’t have been able to see him anyway.
Toby and Teddy came out together. We listened to them chattering excitedly about having had to spend both break times indoors, but my thoughts were elsewhere. The girls were in gloomier moods, since they had both been given double homework, but I soon cheered up Nicole by reminding her that she could take Ginny to school in the morning.
As soon as we walked into the house we could detect the delicious smell of Karen’s casserole cooking in the oven, and the children clamored to be fed at once. Hurrying into the kitchen, I paused only to tie an apron around my waist, and was about to serve up the food when I heard the front doorbell ring.
“Can you get it?” I called to Karen as I placed the ovenproof dish on the counter and removed the lid. I grabbed a soup ladle and had begun to dish the chicken portions onto plates when Karen came into the kitchen, her eyes wide and staring, her face ashen.
I froze.
“What?”
Behind her, two uniformed figures appeared, their navy blue coats slick with rain, flat caps twisting in their hands.
“What’s happened?”
“It’s Grant,” Karen said tonelessly. “He’s been involved in a traffic accident.”
“I’m very sorry, Mrs. Richardson.” One of the police officers stepped toward me. “Your husband’s car was involved in a multiple collision and he has been taken to St. Matthew’s Accident and Emergency by ambulance.”
“Is he all right?”
“The doctors were working on him when we left.”
I gripped the ladle tightly as I stared at their solemn faces, unaware of the gravy pooling on the counter beside me. “What happened?”
“It seems from initial witness reports that a motorbike jumped a red light at the crossroads. The driver behind your husband’s Mercedes says your husband swerved to avoid it and collided with a container truck coming in the other direction. The bike’s momentum apparently carried it right on and it skidded into both vehicles. In these wet conditions there was nothing either Mr. Richardson or the truck driver could have done.”
“What
are you saying?”
The police officer looked decidedly ill at ease. “I’m afraid the motorcyclist didn’t make it.”
“You mean he’s dead?” I grabbed the corner of the kitchen counter for support, my mind whirling frantically. Had the motorcyclist been Jason? Had he done it on purpose?
The officer nodded. “I’m afraid so.”
Coming to my senses, I propped the ladle in the casserole dish, untied the apron, and threw it on the counter. “Can I go and see my husband?”
The police officers exchanged glances. “We’ve got instructions to take you to the hospital right away, if you’re ready, Mrs. Richardson.”
“Mummy, what’s happening?”
I looked down to see Sophie staring up at me, her eyes wide with fear.
“It’s Daddy. He’s in the hospital. I’m going to see him now.”
“Can I come?”
I glanced down at her, then up at Karen. “Can you give the children their dinner and then bring them along later?”
Karen nodded and I turned my attention back to Sophie. “Auntie Karen will bring you and Nicole and the boys to the hospital when you’ve eaten.” I turned to follow the officers into the hall, grabbing my coat and bag from the banisters as I went. “Be a good girl and help Auntie Karen,” I called back to Sophie from the hall. “I’ll see you later.”
My first view of the entrance to the emergency unit at St. Matthew’s Hospital was through a haze of teeming rain. Lights shone out onto the tarmac from the double doors, illuminating the bouncing drops and sending them skyward in a fine spray. The police car pulled up at the entrance, turned off the windshield wipers, and killed the engine. I thanked both officers, who followed me as I scrambled out into the dark night and hurried toward the lighted entrance. Once inside, the police officers removed their hats and stood quietly against the far wall while I gave a woman at the reception desk my name.
Recognition passed over her face when I told her I’d come to visit my husband, who had been brought in from a traffic accident. She asked me to take a seat on one of the waiting room chairs among a group of anxious and resigned-looking patients while she rang for a member of staff.