by Helen Lacey
“Understand?” she repeated and laughed humorlessly. “You mean you pity me, right? I’ve seen that look before, Tyler...from my parents and Doyle and even from my friends. So save yourself the trouble of feeling sorry for me. I feel sorry for myself enough.”
“I don’t feel sorry for you,” he said quietly. “But I wish you’d trusted me enough to tell me yourself.”
She hurt so much her bones ached. She just wanted him to go away, to take his gentle green-eyed gaze and leave her alone. “Please go away.”
“No,” he said. “Tell me about it?”
Her mouth flattened. “Tell you about my infertility? What would like to know, Tyler? That I battled endometriosis since I was sixteen or that I’ve known since I was eighteen that I would never have a child of my own? That I can’t create life? That I’m...defective?”
He got to his feet and walked toward her. “Is that really what you think?”
“Yes,” she hissed. “It’s what I know.”
“There are other options,” he said quietly. “Other ways to—”
“You mean, like surrogacy or adoption?” she said, cutting him off. “Yes, I know all about the options. I’ve spent over a decade thinking about them or discussing them with well-meaning doctors or friends. But it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t carry a child of my own. That I can’t give...” Her words trailed off painfully. “That I can’t give anyone a child. So, please, just leave me alone.”
“I can’t,” he admitted hoarsely. “You’re hurting.”
“So,” she said hotly. “I’m hurting. I’ve hurt before and I’ve gotten over it. And I’ll get over this. I’ll get over never being able to have a child of my own, I’ll get over my brother taking Cara away and I’ll get over you.”
“Do you think that’s possible?” he asked and stood directly in front of her. “I don’t think I’ll ever get you out of my head, Brooke. And frankly, I don’t think I want to.”
She blinked a couple of times and got to her feet. “What?”
“I don’t want to get over you. The truth is, I’m in love with you.”
The floor spun and for a second she thought she was going to fall into a heap. “What did you just say?”
“I’m pretty sure you heard me,” he said and grabbed her hands. “But, if you must hear it again—I’m in love with you, Brooke.”
“But...but you don’t believe in love.” She threw his words back at him. “You believe in like and lust.”
“I believe in love,” he said firmly. “Since I met you, I believe in it all.”
The pain in her heart increased tenfold. Because she could imagine, for just a moment, that he was handing her the moon and the stars and they were hers to take. But it was a dream. A fantasy. “What do you expect me to say?”
“Well, how about that you feel the same way?”
“What’s the point?” she demanded, her heart breaking. She had to give him an out. She didn’t want him because he felt sorry for her. “You live in New York. I live here.”
“Geography isn’t going to cut it as an excuse,” he said, rubbing her hands in his, making her melt and making her crazy.
“It’s not an excuse, it’s a fact. And here’s another fact...you want to have a family of your own one day. I know that about you. You told me you want children. Well, news flash, I can’t give them to you. Not now, not ever.”
“I don’t care about that.”
Suddenly it was like Doyle all over again, saying it didn’t matter...saying she was enough. When in her heart, she knew she would never be enough. “You will, believe me. Down the track, you’ll care. When some random woman shows up on your doorstep with a child she says is yours. Then you’ll care. And then you’ll run because she can give you what I can’t.”
She was crying inside, because she was in so much pain, because he didn’t realize how much hearing him say he loved her made her love him all the more. But it wasn’t enough. Maybe for now, but later, he would want more...he’d deserve more...and it would break her in two knowing she could never give him what he longed for.
She pulled herself from his grasp and stepped back. “Go back to New York, Tyler. Go back to your Manhattan apartment and your hand-stitched suits and before long you’ll forget about how you were slumming it in Cedar River for a while.”
“Don’t say that,” he rasped. “Don’t cheapen what we have, Brooke, just because you’re in pain.”
“What we have?” she said, letting out a brittle laugh. “And what’s that? One night in bed together. Oh, and of course there was you telling me you didn’t want me the other night because I wasn’t important.”
He scowled. “I didn’t say that.”
“Sure you did,” she snapped. “I practically threw myself at you and you said you wanted to concentrate on what was important...which obviously wasn’t me.”
“Of course you’re important,” he said quickly, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “But with your brother coming back and—”
“Oh, spare me,” she said, cutting him off. “And none of it matters anyway. Because you live in New York,” she reminded him. “And I live here. How do you expect to overcome that little complication?”
He shrugged. “I’m not entirely sure.”
“That’s because you can’t. There is no solution in this, Tyler. You can’t fix this. You’ve done what you came here to do—you got Cara reunited with her father and you single-handedly saved this place from foreclosure—and now it’s time you left.”
She pushed past him and raced out of the building. By the time she reached the house she’d calmed herself a little and was wiping the tears off her wet cheeks. She dumped her boots in the mudroom, pushed her feet into loafers and walked into the kitchen. Only to find her brother hovering by the countertop and Cara sitting in her high chair, her little legs bouncing.
“Hey,” Matt said and then frowned. “You look like hell.”
“Gee...thanks.”
He shrugged in his loose-limbed way. “Did Tyler find you? I said you sometimes hang out in the feed shed when you need some thinking time.”
She looked at him bitterly. “That’s not all you said, is it?”
He looked shamefaced. “It slipped out, Brooke. I’m so sorry. I thought you guys were close.” He was quiet for a moment. “I kinda figured you loved the guy.”
I do...
So much. But it would never be enough. Maybe he thought he was in love with her, but once he was back home the novelty would wear off and he would forget all about her. He had to. He wanted a family. He deserved that. And she could never give it to him. One day he would understand her reasons for pulling away.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel.”
Matt smiled gently. “You know, it kinda does.”
Heat burned her eyes and she blinked. “I can’t...” Her words trailed off and she headed for the baby to avoid looking toward her brother. “I can’t deny him the family he wants,” she said flatly and lifted Cara from the chair. “No matter how I feel.”
The back door opened then and Tyler crossed the threshold. Her heart contracted at the sight of him and she blinked hard, fighting back the burn behind her eyes again. Cara squealed delightedly when she saw him and held out her arms, cooing and babbling the word dada like she always did when Tyler was around. She noticed the hurt look in Matt’s eyes and considered handing him his daughter. But Cara wanted what she wanted—and in that moment she wanted the man who she believed was her daddy.
Tyler took the baby and held her close, his arm brushing Brooke’s, and she flinched. He was strong and familiar and she loved him so much, and knowing how much he cared about Cara made her love him even more. And it made her heartsick, too...because she could never give him the children she knew he longed for. She grabbed Cara’s
hand and the baby clutched her fingers, but the moment was bittersweet. She was losing Cara. And she’d lost Tyler.
She glanced up and saw Matt watching them, looking hurt and confused. She smiled, trying to make the moment somehow easier for her little brother.
“I should pack,” Matt said, clearing his throat. “The flight is early in the morning and I have to get to Rapid City.”
It was all planned. Tyler would drive Matt and Cara to the airport and then wait for his own flight two hours later. And when they were gone her heart would break in two.
The afternoon dragged on, as did the evening. Brooke spent as much time with the baby as she could, packing her toys and supplies, feeling the grief and loss as she zipped up the bag and placed it by the door along with the rest of Cara’s things. By ten Matt was already in bed and Tyler was in the office on his laptop. Brooke hung around the baby’s room, watching Cara sleep, trying to absorb as much time with Cara as she could. When she dimmed the night-light she heard a voice from the doorway.
“Hey...are you okay?”
Tyler. She nodded, pushing down the pain she experienced all over. He was watching her, and the look in his eyes had never been more tender. And without a second thought, the truth came out. “I feel like my heart is breaking.”
Within seconds he’d pulled her into his arms. “I know, sweetheart,” he said soothingly, cradling her head. “I’m so sorry.”
Brooke clung to him, feeling his heart thunder in his chest, absorbing his strength into her, finding comfort and solace in his embrace. “Stay with me tonight,” she whispered, crumbling. “I need you.”
And without another word they walked to her bedroom and closed the door.
They made love slowly, fueled by feelings both said and unsaid. Brooke gave him her heart and body like she’d never given it to anyone before. And he took it, making her mindless, making her love him and making her never want to let him go. But she had to, and at dawn, when he moved over her again and made tender love to every inch of her, she knew what he felt in her touch. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. They both knew.
It was goodbye.
* * *
Leaving Brooke on the porch, watching her figure retreat as he drove the rental car away from the ranch house, was just about the hardest thing Tyler had ever done. Cara was cooing and chatting in the back, oblivious to everything that was going on around her, not knowing she was the catalyst for so much change. Or joy. Or pain.
Beside him, even Matt was unusually quiet. The other man had hugged his sister goodbye for a long time, promising to call when he landed, insisting he’d send photographs and keep Brooke updated on Cara. And Brooke...she looked lost and solitary, alone in her little world. He hadn’t told her he loved her again. He couldn’t bear to hear the words come from his mouth and then not hear them from her in return. In his heart, he knew she felt them...but she wasn’t prepared to give them up, to admit it, to acknowledge that what they had was worth fighting for.
He kissed her softly on the cheek and said he’d be in touch. But he wouldn’t. His business in Cedar River was done. He had papers to sign and custody agreements to hand over, but he would do all that through Matt.
And as they drove through the gates and toward town, Tyler felt a sense of loss so acute his heart physically ached. Matt hardly spoke, which suited him just fine, and when they reached the airport he checked in the rental car and grabbed his bag and as many of Cara’s things as he could, leaving Matt with the rest. They went through check-in at separate airlines and then Tyler regrouped with Matt by the gate he was leaving from. Cara was on the floor on a play mat and when Tyler sat down she immediately got to her wobbly feet and made it toward him, hanging on to his knee for support. He hauled her into his arms and held her close.
“I think we’re all set,” Matt said, seeming to be in overly good spirits. If he knew the other man better, Tyler could have sworn he was hanging on by the same thread he was. “How does Cara like flying?”
She giggled at the sound of her name and Tyler held on to her, dreading the moment he knew was coming. When he’d have to give her up. It would be like saying goodbye to Brooke all over again. The baby grabbed a handful of his hair and giggled and he couldn’t have loved her more in that moment if she’d been his own child.
“She’ll be fine,” he assured the other man.
Matt stared at him, then abruptly got to his feet. “I need a minute,” he said and walked off, hands on hips, lost in his own thoughts.
Tyler frowned and then nodded. There was something in Matt’s expression that concerned him. When the other man returned about twenty minutes later, he had a look of resolve on his face that Tyler hadn’t seen before. Not even when he’d first found out about Cara or even when he’d acknowledged that Cara was his own and said he wanted to be a father to her.
“You’re in love with my sister, right?” he asked bluntly.
Tyler wasn’t about to deny it. “Yes.”
Matt nodded. “Brooke loves you, too,” he said and sighed heavily. “Even if she can’t admit it to you. You know, she’s the best person I’ve ever known—loyal, honest, kind. And she never once laid any blame at my feet for the accident that killed our parents. She could have, I mean, because of me she had to cut short her career, she lost Sky Dancer and then as it turns out she lost her fiancé because she couldn’t have kids.”
Tyler’s insides twitched. “Your point?”
“The point is,” Matt said quietly, “is that you love her. And she loves you.”
“She keeps putting obstacles in the way,” he admitted wearily, suddenly grateful to be able to say the words to someone who also cared about her.
“Because she can’t have kids?” Matt queried. “Does that matter to you?”
“Not at all,” he replied, meaning every word. “But she thinks it matters.”
Matt shrugged. “She’s stubborn. It’s unfair the way it worked out for her. I mean, she’d be an awesome mom.”
“Yes,” Tyler said and swallowed hard. “She would.”
Matt let out a long, weary breath and then laughed to himself. “You know, I’m standing here, looking at my daughter and I’ve just been able to admit to myself one glaringly obvious fact.”
Tyler tensed. “And what’s that?”
“That she already has a father,” Matt said, with a kind of weary resignation. “And that it’s not me.”
Tyler got to his feet, holding Cara tightly against his chest. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that a couple of days ago I told you I would always do what is best for my daughter,” Matt said quietly. “And that’s exactly what I intend to do.”
* * *
Before lunch Kayla and Ash stopped by for coffee and commiseration. But she wasn’t in the mood. She wanted to flop on her bed, hide her head under the covers and cry for all eternity. But since she couldn’t do that because she had a ranch to run, animals needing her attention and a life she had to get back to—post Cara, post Tyler—she invited them inside.
“We’re worried about you,” Ash said solemnly.
“I’m okay,” she assured her friends as they sat around the kitchen table.
“We’re pretty sure you’re not,” Kayla said and smiled gently. “You love him, right?”
She nodded a little. “I guess.”
“Does he love you?” Ash asked.
“He said he did.”
They both looked surprised. “And he still left?”
“I told him to go,” she admitted. “I can’t give him what he wants. He wants children of his own and I understand why. And maybe it would be okay now, but one day he’d look back and know he’d settled for less than what he truly wanted. And I love him too much to let him do that. So,” she said, taking a deep breath. “It’s better
this way. Better for everyone.”
She made small talk with her friends for an hour and then waved them off after accepting a round of hugs and assurances that everything would work out. Sure it will, she thought as she waved them off.
I just need to grow a new heart...
Brooke tidied up the house for a while, finding things everywhere that reminded her of the baby. By the time she made it to her own room her eyes were stinging, and suddenly faced with the crumpled duvet on her bed only amplified her loneliness. She sat on the edge of the bed and remembered every moment she’d spent with Tyler between the sheets. Not nearly long enough, her heart sang out. But she had memories she would cherish and his tender touch was forever imprinted on her skin and in her heart. No man had ever come close to making her feel what she had felt with him. And no man, she suspected, ever would.
She heard the dogs barking outside and ignored them. All she wanted to do was sleep. And dammit, dwell.
But she didn’t. She straightened her back and headed for the guest room, where she stripped the bed and tidied up a little before tossing the sheets in the laundry hamper. Then she went to Cara’s room. It looked just like it had before Cara and Tyler had entered her life. The desk, her mom’s old sewing machine, a chest filled with old family memorabilia in one corner. Only the baby monitor sitting on the desk was out of place. She was sure she’d packed it with the rest of Cara’s things. Or perhaps she’d left it behind deliberately. Brooke grabbed the monitor and flicked it on. Waiting for a sound. But nothing came. She grabbed it and popped it in a small box with a few stray toys and a little pink coat that had been stranded in the washing machine and placed the box on the kitchen table.
With a wistful sigh she filled the kettle to make tea and opened the refrigerator, scouring the contents for something to eat. She ended up in the pantry and chose a noodle cup. The dogs were still yapping and she was just about to head out through the mudroom and call them to heel when she heard a faint crackling sound. She stopped, rooted to her spot by the door. And listened. More crackling. And a low screech. Coming from the box on the table. And then a word.