As John finished pulling into a familiar parking area, he then returned the gate card to his pocket. He stared out of the side window for a few moments, finding it difficult to gather his thoughts. The night air cut tightly over him as he finally rose to open the car door. The chill gathered around him like a stealthy shadowed flame, and dared lay claim to his thoughts only to emerge as a reminder of the audacity of his right to comfort in the predicament cast upon his current, questionable path. His self-awareness fading, he soon found himself walking through sliding glass doors, past a familiar common area, and into elevator doors that seemed to move at a speed out of synch with his presence of mind. As the doors arrived to a white hallway accented with decorative niches subtly showcasing life’s more glamorous side, the only glamour John clung to was the doorway at the end of the right hallway. For now, this was his subtle salvation, or hope thereof. As he turned out of the elevator doors, and down the hallway, John started to feel a slight sense of calmness mixed in with the numbness that was taking over even his reserve efforts of thought at this point.
It struck him as the door began to open however, that perhaps he should have called ahead before arriving; after all she might not be alone. His lack of complete conscious thought processes had neglected that courtesy. As her face emerged before him, he saw in it a look of concern and sincerity, and her gentle gaze gave way to a warm invitation of admittance, easing his mind.
“John?” Came the voice from the doorway as he entered. A calm, soothing tone accented with a familiar, caring consideration.
“I, I’m sorry I didn’t call ahead,” John quietly responded.
“Why don’t you come in and sit down honey; let’s calm you down,” Kellar gently spoke. John took her guiding hand, and let her lead him into the dimly lit living room and the refuge of its long leather couch that he knew too well. It seemed an instant comfort from the outside plague of reality he had come from.
As per request, Kellar handed John a warming glass of whiskey, on the rocks. She herself did not find the drink a comfort, though kept it in her cabinet for use during visits from John and James as they frequently found it a comforting medication to their mind’s exasperating troubles. Most of these visits included only her and John. Caroline knew of John’s deep caring for Kellar, and accepted their friendship willingly. She did not however know of all the late night visits John paid to Kellar for advice and soothing support such as tonight. It was not as if there was any current intimate relationship between the two, John and Kellar. Though there had been a short past between them, Kellar now served only as John’s true friend and confidant. Their passionate moments had been long ago in another place and time, when a hiatus in his relationship with Caroline brought an intimate moment between John and Kellar. At that time, shortly before his marriage to Caroline, he had made love to Kellar, and she had been his first. That was now many years past, and Kellar of course now honored John’s deep love for his wife. Though he was close to his wife, there were just some things he had to come to Kellar about. Kellar understood this and was always willing to help John as he meant a great deal to her.
John set his glass down by the lamp, staring into the light’s play on the remnants of a soft amber tone. He had just finished coming clean to Kellar on just about everything that had been going on, and he now waited nervously for her thoughts to emerge.
“You, you lied to me, John?” Kellar asked somberly.
“I just, I wasn’t sure how serious it was, and I didn’t want to worry anyone or put myself in more danger. I didn’t want to risk putting anyone else in danger either. I couldn’t take the chance on James or Dave or any of the other guys from work looking into it, so I couldn’t tell them. And I sure as hell couldn’t tell Caroline, you know that. So I’m, I’m coming to you now, okay. Look, I’m sorry,” John replied, pouring his emotions out to her.
“I wish you would have told me sooner, John.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered.”
“I don’t understand why you can’t go to Dave and get his help on this. Couldn’t he help you look into any of it? Couldn’t he help look for the men from the bar, let someone know that the feds are threatening you, John?”
John looked back toward the lamp sitting on the glass end table, half-tempted to get up and pour himself another drink. If only Dave could come to his rescue this time, but no, it wouldn’t be that simple. And he would not throw Dave into the crosshairs of these people. He had to protect Dave by keeping him out of this as best he could. The thought of anything happening to Dave…
“John, are you there?” Kellar asked in a concerned voice, after his lingering pause. She knew sometimes John’s thoughts would lead him to daze, and he wouldn’t realize it.
“Kellar…, this is bigger than Dave, and I can’t risk him getting involved. You should know I can talk to you because you are removed from this bullshit law enforcement world I’m in; Dave’s in the middle of it. Yeah, he has some status, but that doesn’t seem to hold a candle to these people. These feds are taking over more and more ground, and there not letting up. I mean, you’ve seen the damn news. There always talking about passing a new round of legislation that will push our damn federal government’s rights over ours even further. This shit always trickles down to my world somehow, in some form it seems like. I’m so sick of it all, and now we got these crazy ass FDC guys thinking their above any laws. What’s worse is there’s no one to check them on it. I mean, if I look the other way, then I’m just another part of the problem, Kellar, and I, dammit, I can’t do that!”
“Alright John, just calm down, ok,” Kellar asked softly. She knew that this was what John could do. He could go from depressed to angry in the blink of an eye, and then blink back. It didn’t matter if he was drinking or not, though the pattern of course could get more pronounced while John was intoxicated. “I need you to tell me you have some idea of what you plan to do. You know that I believe in you John, it’s just that you sound like you’re on your own with this, and that scares me,” Kellar took John’s hand once again. “This time is different, John, if there’s no one there that has your back. If you’re going to confide in me like this, you can’t ask me to stand on the sideline.”
“Kellar, no.”
“Just, let me talk. I want to help you John, please; please let me help you. Tell me a part to play, any part, and I’ll do it; you know I will. I love you too much to let you walk out of here alone in my mind.”
“Dammit Kellar, you’re so bull-headed. I just, I needed to talk to someone about this, and you know it, it needed to be you. In case, you know anything, anything were to happen to me, I wanted you to know it probably wasn’t just some redneck pissed off that I arrested his fifth cousin or some shit. I need you to know that, well I would be worried about my family, about Caroline and Christopher especially. If something happens to me, I want you to tell Dave that he needs to protect them, and protect you as well. I don’t want him involved unless, well, God forbid I end up dead, missing or something, all right. He would only need to know that I was worried it was because of my casework, he doesn’t need to be brought into the whole picture, all right. Promise me that.”
“John I don’t understand where your head is in this. You’re not making sense. I know you are a very strong person, and you have overcome so much. But you’ve said yourself how big this thing is. And you don’t know how far it goes. What are you going to do, alone, John? What can you do?”
John looked into Kellar’s eyes, eyes he knew he could trust, and eyes that trusted him. He could see the pain in those eyes, and feel fear in her now trembling fingertips. He had confided many thoughts and memories to her over his struggling lifetime. Slowly, he lowered his attention to the voice of her hands, hands that held so much of him in them. He needed to comfort them, and he felt it would be safe to secretly do so. “Kellar, I, I do have someone helping me; I can’t get into it any more than saying that.,” John whispered ever so softly to her. As he felt her affectionately
squeeze his hand, he knew she understood his need for secrecy on the matter, and that she had passed on her promise to keep it. “I, um, I should go. It’s uh, it’s kind of getting late,” John continued, in his soft voice. As John stood up, Kellar reached out to him, sliding her arm around him, she pulled him gently toward her. John felt the warmth of her body against him. He laid his head upon her shoulder, and closed his eyes tightly, leaning into her embrace. She brushed her fingers gently through his hair, and kissed him on the cheek, then, reluctantly, released him from the safety of her loving arms.
As John closed the door behind him, he knew that comforting Kellar, even if through anonymity, had been the right thing to do. He just hoped that Devin would actually have his back. He was having to put a lot of trust into that hope. Yet another matter arriving to his thoughts as he left the comfort of Kellar’s affection was one secret he hadn’t revealed to his close friend, the existence of a once sealed file that Grayson had handed him. He felt both the existence and contents of that secret should continue to remain shadowed, even from Kellar.
CHAPTER SIX
John glanced over as Christopher locked his seatbelt in to place. It was Friday, and John had decided to tell Caroline he was taking the day off to catch up on a few things. He had also told her that he would get Christopher off to school to make the morning easier on her, and so he’d have a chance to spend a little extra time with Christopher. As they finally got pulled out into the street, John smiled proudly at his son. Christopher was now fourteen, and though shy, had no problem finding friends due to his friendly nature. He usually had the girls following after him as well. Chris was however very mature for his age intellectually, and at times more comfortable in conversation with the adult world than his own. He found discussions with his father to be much more rewarding than a debate about which mystery meat was being served in the lunchroom. John and Christopher had a very close relationship, they were not just father and son; they were best friends. It seemed to John at times that Christopher liked attempting the role of stand-in counselor and shrink.
“Dad, I hate to say it but I really think she would like that little steakhouse better. You should take her there. She points it out sometimes when she drives me to Shaun’s house, says she wishes it wasn’t so expensive because it’s the best food in town.”
“Now you tell me. I’ve already got reservations for seafood,” John replied rolling his eyes humorously. “She likes going to see all the boats docked on the water out there where we usually go, and the window view is great. Plus, I get bonus points for taking her all the way out there to Dack’s Restaurant for their famous seafood. It’s the perfect anniversary dinner; trust me, Chris.”
“Alright, that just means that I get to come when you finally do dish out the dough for the steaks. That’s only fair, Dad,” Christopher smiled and patted his dad’s shoulder. He watched his father’s laughter; he hadn’t seen enough of that lately. He knew that there was something bothering his dad, and recognizing the cloaked distance of his dad’s eyes was upsetting Christopher a great deal.
“Dad,” Christopher softly lowered his tone, “are you ok? I mean, I can tell that something’s been bothering you. I don’t think mom’s picked up on it because she just thinks you’re always stressed out; you know that I can read you better than her.”
For a minute John’s mind started to panic, here he was trying to keep his mind off of things for just a little while, and Chris was leading him right back to them. He knew it was hard to pass off lies as reasonable truth to someone who was unreasonably proficient at reading his demeanor, someone like Christopher. John decided to attempt the vague statement of generality.
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind, you know with work and planning your mother’s anniversary dinner next week. There’s just a lot going on. You’re right though, I have been pretty stressed out. I’ll be all right kid, thanks though for asking. You worry too much. Did you ah, finish your math last night?” John asked changing the topic.
“Algebra Dad, and yeah I finished it.” Christopher could tell his dad was blowing him off. “Are you still taking your anniversary days off, Tuesday and Wednesday?”
John’s truck turned onto the busy highway flooded with commuter traffic; an annoyance of the route to school that would eventually lead to a more rural destination. “Yeah, that’s the plan. I put in for those days a long time back, you know. Just for your mom. She’d kill me if I didn’t get them; so I request them a long, long time before I really need to. You’re spending the night at Shaun’s house Monday night and then staying at James’ apartment on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. We’ll come and get you from school to take you over to James’ apartment Tuesday after school all right. Alex is taking off early, so she’ll be there not too long after we get you there.”
“Sounds like a plan. Will James be home early too?”
“He said he’d ah, try to be,” John answered, now distracted a bit more by the heavy waves of merging traffic.
“Good, I’ll make them take me out to eat. Maybe he and Alex will take me to see that new movie that has the survival guy on it from TV. He’s supposed to be some badass military guy in it that crashes behind enemy lines. It sounds cool anyway. I bet uncle Jason would like it, him being off in the military somewhere now. He still can’t tell us where he is, can he, since he’s gone into that Special Forces unit now?” Christopher asked.
“Dammit Chris, I’m trying to dodge this traffic and get your ass to school on time.” This was the last thing John was in the mood to discuss. His relationship with his younger brother Jason was distant to say the least, a sore subject that John liked to avoid.
“Geeze, I’m sorry,” Christopher replied, almost immediately regretting bringing up his Uncle Jason. The ride soon fell into an awkward silence as Christopher gave in to his father’s tantrum.
As John finally pulled up to the school parking lot, he took in a deep breath. “Look Chris, I’m uh, sorry I snapped at you back there.”
“It’s alright dad; like I said I know you’re stressed out.”
“No, I shouldn’t take the stress out on you though.”
“Hey, you’ve already got her nights planned out, don’t stress out about your anniversary. Just enjoy it. As for work, I know you can outsmart those bad guys any day,” Christopher said with a smile. “Heck maybe one day I can help you out.”
“I don’t know if I’d let you do that, we’ll see in a few years, Chris. Love ya man, and have a good day, okay,” John replied as he gave his son a hug and sent him off on his day. As John watched his son disappear into the building, he realized that he had been comforted a bit by his patient, understanding son, whose company he always appreciated.
John flipped through the radio stations after he had gotten back onto the highway; with nothing but morning conversations available, he popped a classic rock CD into his older truck’s CD player, having opted for his more discrete mode of transportation for the day’s outing. He had about an hour’s drive out of town now to get to the outside line he needed to call Devin. Devin had some kind of unorthodox method for John to follow as far as where to call in to him. John was headed for the next lucky payphone on the list. Devin said the line he used for contacts with John was untraceable supposedly, but he wanted to make sure John didn’t have a normal pattern in his location of call-ins.
John had met Devin a few years back while working on a case. The feds had come in to look at the case and performed their routine flexing of muscles to John. Devin later approached John with some helpful information that assisted him in solving the case without federal intervention. Since then Devin had offered John his assistance on other cases here and there over time stating he did not agree with the feds taking over so much power, even though Devin himself was an FDC agent. Cautious at first, John had come to trust Devin somewhat over the extent of various occasions of which they had worked together. John wondered sometimes if Devin was actually working alone, or if there was some kind of
quiet splintering in FDC world. With the pushback he was getting this time around, he sure hoped that Devin had some damned good advice for him. He needed some leverage, a creative card to play, something to knock Agent Stroud down a notch or two. And, he wouldn’t mind knocking Agent Dodd on his ass while he was at it.
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