He didn’t intend to take it. We were as different as boiled potatoes and lemon pie, yet we connected the instant we met.
Oh, my child! To fall in love is a taste of heaven. Even when it’s fraught with sacrifice, there’s a joy to giving your heart to someone who treasures it. Make no mistake, your father treasured me. Perhaps too much, now that I look back. He treated me as if I were a porcelain doll.
Only at the end did I become fully human to him.
When you’re grown and fall in love for yourself, you’ll understand what I’m about to say. We didn’t mean to kiss. It happened on a rainy day in the middle of a busy street. A storm struck and he pulled me inside a doorway. I’d say the kiss just happened, but that wouldn’t be true. He asked with his eyes and I said yes with mine. He regretted it. I didn’t. He’d said he’d tasted the sweetest fruit and could never taste it again.
That’s when I told him I loved him. I was tired of being coy! Tired of hiding my feelings! In the middle of Beacon Hill, I asked your father to marry me.
He said no.
I called him a coward.
He dared me to go west with him.
I told him I’d pack my things and meet him at the train station. He must have believed me because he laughed. “All right, love. You win. We’ll marry, but not until I can support you. Will you wait for that?”
Another dare. I took it, but I dared him back.
Josh had wanted the truth about Emily. Now he had it. She’d been in love and she’d been bold. Dennis Hagan had succumbed to every man’s temptation. Josh wanted to punch him, but he had no right to throw stones. In different ways, he’d fallen himself. Josh didn’t know if Dennis Hagan had regrets, but he knew his own.
He also knew how he felt about Adie. He loved her and wanted to marry her, but reading the journal hadn’t set him free. He still felt obligated to Emily. Did that mean preaching for strangers as he’d been doing? He couldn’t fulfill that duty with a wife and child. Nor did Adie share his commitment to his calling. Of all the problems, that one loomed the largest.
As Josh raked his fingers through his hair, Adie looked up from Emily’s delicate writing. “That’s the end of the passage, but there’s more.”
He needed an answer. He wanted it now. “Keep going.”
February 1875
My Child,
You’re kicking tonight! Such a sweet feeling…Your father would have been so proud. I’m at the point of the story that’s the hardest to tell, so I welcome the sense of Dennis alive in my womb. You, child, are my only comfort as I relive the darkest moment of my life.
Your father took my dare and I took his. I didn’t expect to conceive. Does any woman when she succumbs to sin? By the time I realized you were on the way, he’d left for St. Louis. I had the name of his cousin and his solemn vow to send for me as soon as they claimed land and he built a house.
I knew my brother wouldn’t approve, so I asked Dennis to write to me at the orphanage and he did. One precious letter and I had to burn it to keep our secret! I wrote back. I told him you were on the way. I waited for weeks to hear from him. I know he’d have sent for us immediately. We’d sinned, but your father was an honorable man. He loved me. He would have given us his name and more.
Weeks passed. I didn’t hear from him and was close to panic. My middle was thickening. I had no choice but to face my brother.
Adie stopped speaking, but her eyes skimmed the page. She bit her lip, grimaced, then covered her mouth with her fingers. “I can’t read this. It’s vile.”
“Then it’s true.”
“Not anymore.” She closed the book.
Josh reached across the table and took it. He opened the book to the last few pages, then looked at Adie. “Aren’t you leaving?”
“No,” she said. “I’ll stay while you read it to yourself.”
Her presence gave Josh the strength he needed to go back to that night in Boston.
To fully appreciate my dilemma, you need to know that your uncle is a famous minister. People travel miles to hear him, though I don’t know why! In those final weeks—when I knew you were on the way—I’d listen to him spout about righteousness and obedience and wonder if he had a drop of warm blood in his body. Josh, you see, is perfect.
At least he thinks he is.
I love God, too! God loves me. Jesus died for my sins and I know it. Josh doesn’t think he has any sins. Well, he’s wrong. That night, he became a murderer. The Bible says he who has anger in his heart might as well have committed murder. I’ve never seen Josh angrier than when I told him about you. I’d mustered my courage and I’d whispered the simple fact.
“I’m with child.”
He ranted at me. He paced like a lion about to eat me. He didn’t ask me who or why. He ignored the tears streaming down my face. My clearest memory is of the moment he pounded the table.
“Blast it, Emily! I have a reputation to uphold.”
His reputation? What about my child? I was lost and broken and terrified. In the weeks after Dennis left, I’d had time to weigh the consequences of our recklessness. We should have waited. We should have found another way, one that protected our child. I couldn’t feed you without help. I had nowhere to go except to Josh, who turned his back on me. I didn’t think I could be more wounded, but his next words filled me with a pain I’d never known.
“Leave Boston, Emily. Give the baby away.”
“No!” I cried.
“I’m ordering you to leave.”
He started blathering about a long visit with cousins in Rhode Island. When I refused, he called me a horrible name. I ran to my room and packed my things. I heard him prowling in the hall. He pounded on my door, but I didn’t answer. When the house finally quieted, I crept down the stairs with a valise and my jewelry and walked two miles in the cold to the train station.
Josh looked up at Adie. “Every word is true.”
“I don’t care,” she insisted. “You wouldn’t say those things again.”
“No, but I said them once.”
If he’d learned anything this past year, it was one simple truth. Mistakes could be forgiven, but consequences weren’t so easily erased. Stephen proved his point. So did the pain in Emily’s journal. Josh had dedicated his life to preaching God’s forgiveness because he needed it so badly. He couldn’t change the past, but with God’s grace he could claim a better future. He wanted that new start for himself. Hoping to find it, he focused on Emily’s next words.
After leaving Boston, I sent a note to my best friend. She knew about Dennis, and I didn’t want her to worry. I told her my plans. I intended to find your father in St. Louis and make a new life. That night I vowed to never return home, to never speak to Josh again. Even when I stood at your father’s grave, I knew I’d keep that promise. Oh, child. The sadness! I found Dennis’s cousin easily. He recognized me from the picture Dennis kept by his bed. As gently as he could, he told me your father had died of influenza.
“He’d been workin’ too hard, Miss Blue. He saved every penny for you. Wouldn’t even see a doctor.”
That foolish man and his pride! My jewelry would have supported us for years. We could have married! We could have left Boston together, but he’d made me promise to wait until he’d made his own way. I weep for him every day. You, sweet child, are my comfort, my joy. You’re the reason I know God has forgiven my sins. Only a loving God, a good and kind God, would share with human beings the joy of creation. You, my baby, are a miracle.
Know that I love you and always will. Someday I hope to tell you this story in person, but I know the uncertainties of life. If something happens to me, you’ll have these words, a picture of me but not your father, and whatever is left of the jewelry.
With deepest love,
Your mother
Josh looked at the bottom of the page and saw writing that wasn’t so perfect. These, he realized, were his sister’s final words, written on her deathbed when she was bleeding and weak.
&nb
sp; Dear Stephen,
My son! The struggle…I’m dying. Know that I love you. Adie is my best friend. She’ll be a good mother. She—
So ended the journal, cut off in midsentence just as Emily’s life had been cut short by tragedy. With his eyes red rimmed and hurting, both from the fire and the strain of reading, Josh bowed his head.
Dear Lord, don’t let Emily’s suffering be in vain. I’ll serve You wherever, however, You ask.
Sometimes the Lord spoke to Josh through scripture he’d memorized. Other times he felt a quiet certainty. Tonight his heart beat with a new sense of purpose. Startled, he looked at Adie and saw the future with a sudden clarity. She needed a husband. Stephen needed a father. He loved her and wanted to marry her, but how could he? Adie believed in God but didn’t share his commitment.
He didn’t know what to say or do until she spoke the words that pointed the way.
“I’m going to church on Sunday.”
Adie opened her mouth before she could change her mind. As Josh read Emily’s words, she’d seen him grimace. Once he’d shut his eyes and groaned as if he’d been struck. She cared for this man. She’d do anything to make him happy.
To his credit, his mouth didn’t gape. “I’m glad.”
She wondered if she’d lost her mind. “It might be just once.”
“Whatever you want.”
That was the problem. Adie didn’t know what she wanted. Reverend Honeycutt had sent her away. Old Man Long had ranted about hell and judgment. Josh was different, but he worshipped the same demanding God. As the candle sent shadows across his jaw, she saw the straight line of his mouth. She didn’t know what Emily had written, but Josh had taken it hard.
She hurt for him. “Emily didn’t forgive you, did she?”
“Not a bit. In the end, she hated me even more.” He handed her the journal. “This belongs to Stephen.”
As she took it, Josh stood and so did she. As he lifted the candle, gold light pulled them into the same circle. A half smile softened his mouth. “Thank you for staying. You made this easier.”
“I’m glad.”
She hugged the journal because she couldn’t hug Josh. The smile climbed to his eyes. He motioned for her to go into the house, then guided her with his hand on her back. When they reached the stairs, he stopped and raised the candle to illuminate the steps. Their eyes locked in the shadows, but neither of them moved. She wanted to tell him that she hurt for him. She wanted to kiss his cheek and reassure him that he wasn’t an ogre. She wanted to tell him that she admired him, but she couldn’t. Emily no longer stood between them, but his faith did.
He stepped back, then spoke with a hush. “Good night, Adie.”
“Good night.”
As she climbed the stairs, questions for Josh swirled in her mind. You’ve been hurt. How can you still trust God? Where was He when my mother died? She had to fight the urge to turn around. Josh stayed until she reached her room; then the stairwell went dark. She went to the trunk, where she put away the journal and the jewelry and closed the lid. If she’d been speaking to God, she would have prayed for Josh. She would have thanked the Almighty for Stephen’s life. Instead she spoke to Maggie…Emily now.
“He’s changed.”
Silence.
“You’d like him, Emily. You’d love him again.”
Adie knew, because she felt that love now. The admission stole her breath. She’d fallen in love with Joshua Blue. A man…a minister. She’d lost her mind. No matter what the future held, Josh would always be a man of faith. He needed a wife who shared that passion. Could she be that woman? Adie didn’t know, but she was willing to find out. This Sunday, she’d go to church in Brick’s Saloon. She’d be among friends and she’d listen.
Chapter Fourteen
Late the next morning, Adie heard someone knocking on the front door. Bessie, Caroline and Mary had gone to work in spite of their exhaustion. Pearl had stayed upstairs and Josh was outside, cleaning up the mess from the fire. When the visitor knocked again, she peeked through the drapes and saw a horse and buggy she didn’t recognize. Her stomach dropped to her toes. She couldn’t imagine who’d come calling, but she knew Franklin Dean had allies. No way would she open the door.
“It’s my father!”
She turned and saw Pearl lumbering down the stairs. She was clutching the railing, but Adie worried she’d fall. “Be careful.”
“It’s him,” she said again. “I looked out the window.”
Adie was concerned about Pearl’s health. They’d had a rough night and the mother-to-be didn’t need the upset. “I’ll tell him to leave.”
“No,” Pearl cried. “Let him in.”
Against her better judgment, Adie opened the door. The last time she’d seen Reverend Oliver, he’d stood tall in a crisp frock coat. Today he looked haggard. So did the coat.
He took off his hat, revealing thick silver hair. “Thank you for seeing me, Miss Clarke. I heard about the fire. My daughter…is she all right?”
“She’s fine.”
“And the baby?”
His tone didn’t change. He feared as much for his grandchild as he did for Pearl. Adie glanced over her shoulder and saw the mother-to-be coming forward to answer the question herself. Adie pushed the door wide and stepped back.
Pearl froze at the threshold. “I’m fine, Papa. Thank you for—”
Reverend Oliver strode through the door, pulled his daughter into a hug and rocked her back and forth. In a torrent of choked words, he apologized for every mistake of the past months. When Pearl started to cry, he stepped back and gripped her hands in both of his. “Can you possibly forgive me?”
Her face paled. “How much do you know?”
“Everything.” He clenched his jaw. “Reverend Blue paid a call on me. I know about the buggy ride and Frank’s last visit. Now the fire—” He sealed his lips. “He forced you, didn’t he?”
Tears welled in Pearl’s eyes. “Let’s sit down.”
Adie, with a lump in her throat, slipped into the kitchen. As she busied herself with a pot of tea, Josh came through the back door. His shirt, a blue chambray, would need a good scrubbing and speckles of soot darkened his face. Underneath the grime, she saw bluish circles under his eyes. He’d been up all night and it showed.
As their gazes met, she recalled the emotion of the journal and her sudden decision to go to church. After she’d gone to bed, she’d tossed all night with dreams of Liddy’s Grove and Franklin Dean. She’d become so angry that she’d pummeled her pillow and cursed her enemies. Just before dawn, she’d changed her mind about going to Brick’s for church. She didn’t want to reveal her upset, but she had to tell Josh about her change of heart.
Looking tired but relaxed, he leaned his hips against the counter. “The mess from the woodpile’s gone.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll get paint for the wall.”
She swiped at a speck of dust. “I should pay for that.”
“Let me,” he said easily.
“You shouldn’t. You’re a guest.”
She kept wiping the counter. With the lightness of a bird, Josh brought his hand down on hers and stopped the motion. “Is that what I am, Adie? A guest?”
She hung her head.
His voice stayed low. “I thought we were friends.”
“We are.”
“Then allow me to buy the paint.” He raised his hand, freeing her but leaving a memory of his long fingers and a trace of soot. It was a silly quarrel, one that had nothing to do with whitewash and everything to do with Adie attending church. She didn’t want to explain why, so she looked for an excuse. “About Sunday…I can’t go to Brick’s after all. Someone should stay with Pearl.”
“I’ll ask Bessie.”
So much for that excuse. She hunted for another. “I’d feel bad leaving Stephen.”
“You can bring him.”
“What if he cries?”
Adie knew a lame excuse when she heard one an
d so did Josh. He looked her square in the eye. “He can bellow all he wants. I’ll hold him myself.”
He reached for her hand. The strength of his grip made her feel small and obvious, as if he could see right through her. She looked into his eyes, then wished she hadn’t.
He kept his voice low. “You’re scared, aren’t you?”
“I’m not scared,” she insisted. “It’s just that…I don’t know exactly.”
“You’ve been hurt.”
“Yes.”
“And you’re angry.”
Her eyes blazed. “I am, but I don’t want to be. Not anymore.”
“That fight is between you and God,” Josh said. “He’s everywhere, but sometimes He’s easier to find when a person goes looking.”
Adie didn’t know, but she wondered about such things. In spite of Pearl’s trouble, she had peace. Mary still kept a loaded derringer, but she’d been smiling more and her humor had lost its sarcasm. They both had as much cause as Adie to be resentful, but neither of them held grudges. Neither did Bessie or Caroline. Adie wanted that calm. She also wanted to please Josh. She cared for him. She was raising his nephew and felt obliged to honor his beliefs.
Looking glum, she said, “All right. I’ll go.”
His eyes twinkled. “It won’t be that bad.”
When she sighed, he laughed. “What? You think I’ll bore you to death?” In a deep, droning voice, he imitated a very dull preacher.
When she laughed out loud, his eyes twinkled with pleasure. “You won’t be sorry, Adie. I promise.”
When she looked into his eyes, she believed him. A month ago he’d collapsed on her porch. He was still lean, but he had a strength of both body and character that inspired trust. Every man she’d known had let her down, but Josh had stayed true. She’d helped him, too. Between Buttons and Adie’s cooking, he’d recovered from the ulcer. The thought pleased her. “Are you hungry? I could make you a sandwich.”
“I’d like that.”
As she took a fresh loaf from the bread box, she thought about the simple pleasure of bread. She didn’t recall many of Reverend Honeycutt’s sermons, but she remembered him calling Jesus the bread of life. Adie knew about going hungry and being filled. Sometimes, especially when she’d feared losing Stephen, she’d felt as if her life were nothing but crumbs. Now she didn’t. Going to church sounded better by the minute, but only because she trusted Josh and didn’t feel intimidated by Brick’s Saloon. She’d worked in shabby places just like it. Reverend Honeycutt wouldn’t be anywhere in sight.
The Maverick Preacher Page 16