Jackson nodded. “It’s a good one though,” he said as I slid the book back into place.
“It is. Sad though,” I said, looking back at the shelves. “Fahrenheit 451?”
“Read it too.”
“Is it any good?”
Jackson made a face and shrugged. “I didn’t care for it, but it’s supposed to be one of the classics, so what do I know?”
“I think sometimes classic means extremely boring,” I commented, continuing to survey the shelves.
“Too true,” Jackson agreed, following the few steps I’d taken away to look at the titles in one long stride.
I bit my lip as I took a few more steps to look at the next section of bookcases and scanned the titles. “What about The Catcher in the Rye?”
“I haven’t read that,” Jackson admitted, eyes lighting with interest. “Have you?”
I shook my head and held the book out toward Jackson hesitantly.
He took the book and glanced curiously at the cover. “I guess it’s worth a shot, right?”
“I suppose so,” I nodded. “You’ll have to let me know if it’s any good.”
“Of course,” Jackson grinned, tucking the book under his arm and leaning carefully against the bookshelf. “So, what’s new?”
I shrugged, wracking my brain for something interesting to say, but my mind was strangely blank. Any useless conversation starters I might have normally had seemed to have disappeared during my far from fun weekend.
“Nothing’s new,” I finally answered. “What about you?”
Jackson shrugged. “Just worked Sunday afternoon and hung out with my brother in the evening.”
“Which brother?”
“Jordan.”
“And he’s middle one?”
“Yes.”
“But not the one going through a quarter life crisis?” I clarified. “That’s Eric?”
“You remembered,” Jackson grinned and nodded.
“So you get along with your brothers then?”
“Yeah,” Jackson nodded. “Jordan’s my best friend, but Eric and I get along pretty well.”
“That’s cool,” I said. “It must be nice to be friends with your siblings.”
“Yeah, I guess so. We don’t always agree, but I know they have my back,” Jackson said. While he spoke, he scanned the bookshelves for a moment before his eyes fell on me. “So you and Skylar have never been close?”
I tried not to grimace as I shook my head. “No, never.”
“Well, that sucks. Maybe if you got to know her a little better, you might find she’s not as bad as you think. When I was younger, I used to think Eric was the biggest asshole in the world, and Jordan’s really good at being a jerk sometimes.”
As Jackson spoke, I felt something in my gut begin to stir. I knew he meant well, but there was a nagging in the back of my mind. It was Skylar’s words ringing in my ears, saying Jackson was only talking to me to get closer to her.
As much as I wanted to flush those words out of my head and say they were lies, there was also part of me saying maybe Skylar was right. Why else would Jackson care if Skylar and I were close? Did he want me to get closer to Skylar so he would be even closer to her? Was that what this was all about? But why would he do that? How could he do that?
I stared at Jackson for a minute, and I knew he expected me to either laugh or smile or something, but when I didn’t, he frowned a little. I opened my mouth to speak, but my throat felt dry, so I closed it, swallowed hard and tried again. “I should get going. Tegan is probably wondering where I am.”
“Oh, okay.” His brows knit, as if he was confused, but he nodded. “I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah . . .” I trailed before I hightailed it out of the library.
As I walked down the empty hall toward the cafeteria, I remembered Tom Cruise’s role as the vampire Lestat in Interview with the Vampire. I’d only ever watched the movie once, but for a moment, I felt like a vampire myself; as if someone had just taken a stake to my heart. If only I could turn to dust that would float away out of existence, never to be seen again. That moment of pain would have to feel better than the persistent ache in my chest from the fissure in my heart.
Midway down the hallway, I paused and turned, heading down another corridor to the restroom. Once there, I locked myself in a stall and did the same thing I’d been doing for days: I cried.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Normally, I was a pretty happy go lucky person. I didn’t typically blow people off or lie. Most of the time, I was content to stay out of my family’s way and let them think whatever they wanted. Since my run in with Mark Moses at the end of the previous week, though, it had felt like everything in my life was turned upside down. More than anything, though, I felt so unlike myself. It felt like it was one bad thing after another; needless to say, my upset with Jackson was just another item to add to the list.
When Tegan found me crying in the restroom, her first thought was there had been another run in with Mark Moses.
“What did he do now?” she demanded. Her hands were on her narrow hips and her jaw was set, as if she were prepared to hunt him down herself.
“It wasn’t Mark Moses,” I muttered, wiping at my tears.
Tegan’s thin brows drew together. “Then why are you crying?”
Reluctantly, I explained about hiding in the library and running into Jackson there before I repeated the conversation we had, including the conclusions I’d come to in regards to Jackson’s motives. “Obviously, I’m of no use to him if Skylar and I aren’t friendly.”
Tegan didn’t immediately launch into a diatribe about how much of a scumbag Jackson was like I might have expected, or maybe hoped. Instead, her features were soft and sympathetic but also thoughtful. Finally, she said, “I don’t think he meant it like that.”
“Oh yeah?” I countered. “Do you seriously believe Jackson’s been talking to me and hanging around me being nice because he actually likes me?”
Tegan didn’t flinch at my venomous tone. Instead, she nodded as she said, “Yes, that’s exactly what I think.”
“He seemed pretty interested in Skylar when we were bowling,” I pointed out. “Besides, she knows more about guys than either of us. She’s probably right about the whole thing. Jackson just wanted to use me to get closer to her.”
“Come on, Silly,” Tegan heaved a sigh. “There’s a huge flaw in that belief. First of all, Jackson already knew Skylar. He wouldn’t need you to get close to her. Second of all, he didn’t even know Skylar was going bowling when he agreed to come,” she said. “And third, it wasn’t as if he asked you if Skylar was seeing anyone. You were talking about siblings. You asked him if he got along with his brothers, so you opened the door for him to ask about you and Skylar.”
“True, but it was Jackson who told Skylar about going bowling,” I pointed out. “And then look what happened—she wound up tagging along. And you weren’t there today. He made it sound as if I needed to give Skylar a chance. Like I’m the one that refuses to get along with her. Why should I be the one to make the effort to get to know her better when she’s the one that’s convinced I’m some sort of walking fatal disease she’ll catch?”
“She’s not always like that,” Tegan said.
I wasn’t usually one for yelling, but the words flew from my mouth sharp and loud, “Don’t you dare defend her!”
“I’m not defending her,” Tegan stated calm and evenly. “I was merely stating that sometimes she’s nice to you.”
“But most of the time she’s not.”
“You never cared before,” Tegan said.
“Who says I care now?” I replied, grumpily.
Tegan sighed and lifted her hands up in the air as if to admit defeat. “I’m going to my locker to get my books. The bell should be ringing soon. Are you coming to class?”
“Yeah,” I huffed as she walked over to the door. “I’ll be there in a few.”
“See you later,” she said w
ithout looking back.
I knew Tegan was just trying to talk some sense into me, but I didn’t feel like hearing it. I usually wasn’t an angry person, but the way things had gone over the last few days had me more upset than I had been in a long time. I just wanted to be left alone to feel however I wanted without anyone telling me I was wrong for feeling that way. I knew Tegan was probably frustrated by my behavior, and I didn’t blame her. I had been acting less and less like myself, and, to tell the truth, I was even starting to get on my own nerves with my mood swings.
After taking a minute to collect myself, I headed off to my locker and gathered my books. Tegan and I didn’t talk much during Journalism as we helped organize things for the special edition of the school newspaper, which was set to go on sale Wednesday before Thanksgiving break.
It mostly consisted of holiday recipes, fond memories of years past from staff and students as well as family activities to help fill the long weekend. Any other time I would have felt more enthusiastic about it, but I was having a hard time with being thankful lately.
Tegan and I didn’t talk between classes either, and at the end of the day, we merely said, “See you later” before going our separate ways. I felt terrible for pushing Tegan away, but I couldn’t blame her for deciding to back off and give me some space. It was probably for the best until I could get a grip on my emotions.
I had to ride home with Skylar, which didn’t help my mood. She seemed unusually cheerful, though, and sang brightly along with the songs on the radio. I had an indescribable urge to punch her in the mouth and tell her to shut the hell up. Being my ride home, I knew that wasn’t a wise move, so I sat quietly and stared out the window, watching the buildings blur as we passed by. Each building blurred into the next, making a swirl of odd colors. On a normal day, I might have found it interesting. Pretty, even, but today it was neither pretty nor interesting. Instead, it just made me close my eyes to ward off the headache it caused.
When we got home, Skylar and I kicked off our shoes at the front door and went our separate ways. Skylar headed straight upstairs, and I went to the kitchen for a snack. Toward the end of Journalism I realized I was hungry, which was no surprise since I’d missed lunch. I grabbed the last can of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper from the refrigerator and bag of Brownie Bites before stationing myself on the couch to watch Dr. Phil.
Guilt over how I’d spoken to Tegan made it next to impossible to concentrate on the show. She and I were never on bad terms. I couldn’t even remember the last time we fought; it had been so long. I knew Tegan well enough to know that she wasn’t really mad at me. She was merely frustrated, and with the way I’d been acting the last few days, I couldn’t blame her.
After finishing my Brownie Bites, I went upstairs and planned to give Tegan a call and clear the air, but Skylar was on the phone. Since telling Skylar I needed to use the phone would require talking to her, and because I still felt the urge to punch her in the face, I chose to go to my room instead.
I stationed myself in front of the computer, intending to kill some time until the phone was free, but once the computer booted up, AIM connected and I saw that Tegan was online. I selected her screen name, right clicked and selected Send Instant Message. The little message box popped up, and I considered what I should say to her before I started typing.
thesillywallflower: Hi
For a moment there was no answer, and I had the sick worry that Tegan was more upset than I originally thought. It wouldn’t be like her to ignore me, but it also wasn’t like me to shout at her when she was just trying to be a voice of reason.
Seconds ticked by and I waited anxiously. When I was just about to start typing my apology, she replied.
rainedtheday0127: Hey, sorry for the delayed response. I was grabbing something to drink.
thesillywallflower: I’m sorry about acting like such a whiny, emo brat today. It’s just been a crappy few days. I know that doesn’t make it any better, but I’m sorry.
rainedtheday0127: It’s okay. I understand. I just don’t like seeing you this way.
thesillywallflower: I know. I don’t like acting this way either. I’m just frustrated.
rainedtheday0127: I know, but it’s going to be okay though.
thesillywallflower: Thanks, Tee. I really hope you’re right.
rainedtheday0127: You’re welcome, and you’ll see. ;) ;) ;) ;)
rainedtheday0127 : So, what’s up?
thesillywallflower: Nothing really. Skylar’s on the phone, and I think I just heard Luke pull into the driveway. What about you?
rainedtheday0127: Mom, Tanner, and Tatum just got home. Dad’s in the kitchen. Experimenting with a new recipe, I suspect.
thesillywallflower: Oh, food! I am so hungry. I just ate some brownie bites, but my tummy is still rumbling. And Mom won’t be home for a while.
rainedtheday0127: Aww. Why don’t you cook something?
thesillywallflower: Yeah, right. I doubt anyone would eat it.
rainedtheday0127: Who says anyone else has to eat? You’re the one that’s hungry. Fix something for yourself. The others can fend for themselves.
thesillywallflower: Not a bad idea.
rainedtheday0127: Blah! Tierney need’s the computer to type up a paper. I’ll talk to you later, okay?
thesillywallflower: Yep! <3
rainedtheday0127: <3
Tegan signed off, and even though our conversation had been short, I felt as if the heavy boulder had been removed from my chest. It wasn’t as if we’d had some horrible fight, but the tension I’d felt during school had left me feeling anxious and worried. I was so thankful that we were able to clear things up so easily. I was grateful yet again to have such a wonderful best friend.
Relieved, I quickly checked my e-mail. There was nothing of great importance, so I signed out of my account. I was about to put up my away message, rather than sign out of instant messenger in case Tegan came back, when I got another instant message.
jackyourhart: Hey you!
As soon as I saw Jackson’s screen name, my heart began hammering in my chest. My first instinct was to feel anxious and giddy, as usual, because he was talking to me. Then I remembered I was still upset with him.
After having some time to think things over, I realized I’d probably overreacted earlier in the library. I’d hurried off so suddenly, letting Skylar’s claims fill my mind. Even though I wasn’t sure I still believed my sister, Jackson’s words had still bothered me.
According to Tegan, he was just making conversation based on his own personal experience, but I couldn’t help but wonder why he thought I should be the one to try harder with Skylar. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t been trying for much of my life. Skylar just never wanted to give me a chance. She was the one who didn’t want to see that maybe I wasn’t as bad as she thought.
It took me a moment to reply to Jackson’s message. I was apprehensive. I didn’t even know if I wanted to talk to him right then. Displaced or not, I was still feeling pretty angry about things, but I finally answered, lacking my usual enthusiasm for these conversations.
thesillywallflower: Hey
jackyourhart: What’s up?
thesillywallflower: Not a lot. You?
jackyourhart: Just hanging around. Being lazy and useless. You know, the usual.
I really didn’t know what to say in reply. Part of me wanted to just chat along happily with him as if nothing was wrong, but the other, bigger, part of me was still thinking about our conversation regarding Skylar. It made me want to punch him just as much as I wanted to punch her.
I wasn’t used to feeling so angry—especially toward people who hadn’t, technically, done anything wrong. I still felt disgruntled, though. The possibility that I was just a pawn in Jackson’s game to get to my sister made me feel ill; so much so that I didn’t even really want to talk to him right then.
It took me another moment to summon enough energy to answer his last message.
thesillywallflower: Sound
s like fun.
jackyourhart: Oh yeah.
I stared at the screen for another second, but I just couldn’t make myself engage in our typical banter. My stomach rumbled, and I remembered Tegan’s suggestion to cook something.
Biting my lip, I quickly typed another message to Jackson.
thesillywallflower: Hey, I’ll be right back
jackyourhart: Okay!
I stood up and crossed over to the door, stopping to give the computer screen a fleeting look. I briefly considered going back and telling Jackson I had to go, but I couldn’t find the will to do so. Instead, I closed the door behind me and made my way down to the kitchen.
Downstairs, I looked through the freezer and refrigerator, surveying the contents as I tried to decide what to cook. I knew Mom would be home in about an hour, and as upset as I had been with her about blowing me off when I tried to talk to her, I weighed the situation in my mind. Perhaps Tegan was right; maybe Mom was just distracted with everything she had going on. Maybe she just needed a break. That didn’t change how I felt about the way she handled things, but I could understand feeling so weighted down by various matters that it was hard to tell up from down, right from wrong.
I grabbed the package of hamburger Mom must have placed in the refrigerator to thaw and took out a couple of eggs along with a few other ingredients I could remember off the top of my head that went into meatloaf. I’d watched Travis Tyler make meatloaf many times, and his always turned out perfectly. Tegan and I had even helped on few occasions. Travis always made his meatloaf stuffed with pepper jack cheese. It was one of my favorite dishes to eat when I was at the Tylers’ house. I checked and was pleased to find we had some pepper jack cheese.
Infinite (Strange and Beautiful, Book 1) Page 22