I listened to the rest of the songs, blinking back tears as I rolled to my side and curled into the fetal position. I was so sick and tired of being angry and upset. I knew it was useless calling Tegan to talk. I already knew what she’d say. “The only way to fix this mess is to talk to Jackson about it.”
I knew Tegan was probably right, but every time I looked at Jackson, I kind of wanted to yell and throw things—namely at his head. If Skylar was nearby, those feelings multiplied ten-fold.
Sadistically, I couldn’t help but wonder what they were doing downstairs. Were they still watching the movie or had Skylar put on the charm? If she had, then they were probably on the verge of copulation on our parents’ couch. I half hoped one of our parents would come home and catch them.
I loved the idea of Skylar getting yelled at and grounded for weeks. Then, on second thought, I realized grounding would mean Skylar would be home. I already hated seeing her stupid face when she was home now. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being around all the time. I prayed for the sake of my sanity that Jackson and Skylar were still just watching the movie.
I lay motionless for what seemed like an eternity until the album had played all the way through. In the silence, I briefly considered getting up to put in another CD, but I decided that required more energy than I possessed, so I stayed still. Thankfully, I couldn’t hear Skylar’s annoying, high-pitch giggling anymore. In fact, I couldn’t hear any other noises either.
Our once humming household felt quiet and empty most of the time now. I was beginning to grow used to it, but I wondered if I was the only one who still noticed. I probably was since I always thought too much. I was beginning to wish I didn’t. It would probably be nice to just switch off my brain for a few hours and rest it before it exploded.
Slowly, my eyes began to grow heavy. School was exhausting, and watching my sister sink her claws into Jackson made my mind numb with anger. The only logical thing I could do was sleep. I half wished I could just sleep it all away. Close my eyes and escape the mess my life had become and when I woke up, it would all be fixed. If only it worked like that.
As I was drifting into sleep, a knock at my door startled me awake. I sat up slowly, confused as to who it might be. I hadn’t heard them pull into the driveway, but I hadn’t really been listening for them either, so it was possible Luke or Dad had come home.
I sat up, pushing my hair away from my face and yawned before I said, “Come in.”
As soon as the door opened, I wanted to jump up, slam it shut and lock it, but Jackson had already stepped into my room before I could even move. “Hey,” he smiled as he looked around.
“Hi.” I immediately felt self-conscience and the uncertainty was clear in my voice. My room was a mess. There were clothes scattered across the floor as well as several other items out of place.
I watched as Jackson looked around the room, scanning my walls, surveying the various posters before he finally looked back at me. “I like your room.”
“Thanks.” I picked at my comforter, embarrassed.
Any other time I probably would have been pleased that Jackson seemed to like my room, but I couldn’t find the enthusiasm now. I’d never had a guy in my room before—with the exception of Dad and Luke, who didn’t really count, and I would have preferred my room not be a mess, so I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. It didn’t help that I was still upset with Jackson for watching a movie we’d discussed with Skylar.
“So . . .” Jackson shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels.
“So what?” Normally, I would have asked this in a teasing tone, but I was feeling anything but playful. I didn’t feel like putting on the charade and acting like I was happy. I was tired of doing that. I wasn’t going to pretend anymore. I felt tired and angry and all around shitty, and I wasn’t going to hide it.
Jackson walked over and sat down on my computer chair. “What’s going on with you?” he asked as he rested his elbows on his knees and supported his head with his hands.
“What do you mean?” Okay, so maybe I was still being evasive.
Jackson rolled his eyes. I noted they were more gold than green today.
“Come on, Silly,” he sighed. “You know what I’m talking about. You’ve been avoiding me this week. Well, actually, for the last couple of weeks. I came by last Sunday to check on you, and you said we were fine, but the next thing I know, you’re running out of the room like there’s a fire.”
I bit my lip and stared down at the comforter. I could feel Jackson’s too perceptive eyes on me, but I wasn’t sure how to reply. Of course there were about a million things I wanted to say to him, but fishing out the right words wasn’t easy.
“You’ve been avoiding me at school again,” he continued when I didn’t speak. “And what was that the other day when I saw you in the hallway? I waved at you, and you glared at me,” he said. “So, please, don’t tell me nothing’s wrong.”
I glanced up at him. His gaze was still fixed on me, and I really wished he would look someplace else. It was much harder to be angry with him when he was looking at me with an innocent, confused expression on his face. I reminded myself not to cave. All I needed to remember was to think of Skylar waiting for him downstairs. Unfortunately, that was also the first thought I was able to form into words.
“You probably shouldn’t keep Skylar waiting.”
Jackson’s forehead creased. “What?” It was the first time I’d ever heard him sound annoyed. “Are you just going to completely ignore everything I said?”
“Ignore” was definitely the wrong word to use because it only seemed to fuel the angry fire burning within me. “Huh? That’s funny,” I scoffed. “Kind of like the pot calling the kettle black, really.”
“Silly, what are you talking about?” The crease in Jackson’s forehead deepened with his confusion.
“Well, you brought up the issue of ignoring stuff, didn’t you?” I replied. I could hear the words coming out, but I sounded nothing like myself and I couldn’t seem to stop. “I just find that really rich coming from you.”
Jackson’s eyes widened, but the frown creases lessened slightly, and I could hear the anger building in his voice as he asked, “Oh? Why is that?”
“Because, Caption Oblivious, you’re the one that seems to forget I even exist as soon as you see Skylar.” It felt so good to get the words out there, but my heart was racing. Normally, I was terrible at any kind of confrontation.
Jackson’s head cocked to the side and some of his anger faded while the confusion remained. He combed a hand through his messy hair as he said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Yeah, I bet you don’t,” I said, bitterly. “Ya know, I thought you were a really nice, honest guy when I first met you, and I, stupidly, thought we were friends.”
“We are friends,” Jackson said. The anger was back and his words sounded harsh and distinctly unfriendly. “At least we were. I don’t know anymore because I really have no idea what your deal is.”
“My deal, as you put it, is I don’t like being used,” I answered. I couldn’t adopt the same angry, harsh tone as Jackson, but it felt as if bitterness dripped from my every word. “I don’t like when people with ulterior motives befriend me and turn around and shove me to the side as soon as they get what they want.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jackson stood, throwing his hands up in obvious exasperation. “Being used? I don’t know what you mean! And what ulterior motive? Can you just give me a straight answer, please? Because I am so fucking lost right now.”
“You want a straight answer?” I laughed, sarcastically. “Here’s your answer: Skylar.” My sister’s name came out sounding like a curse word.
“What about her?”
I shook my head, annoyed. I couldn’t believe Jackson still didn’t understand. “You used me to get to her. I thought you were my friend, but you just wanted to get closer to my sister.”
For a moment, J
ackson simply stared at me, looking as if I’d grown a second head. Then he started to shake his head, as if he couldn’t comprehend what I’d just said. “You are so wrong, Silly.” The severity had left his voice and he spoke softly, as if the wind had been knocked out of him. “So wrong. I can’t believe you’d even think that.”
“You sure haven’t given me a reason not to.”
We stared at each other, as if in a stand off, but before either of us could say anymore, Skylar appeared at my doorway.
“There you are,” she said, smiling at Jackson. “I thought you might have got lost or something. You ready to finish the movie?”
Jackson continued to stare at me as Skylar spoke. He didn’t immediately answer, but after a moment, he tore his eyes from me and glanced at Skylar before his confused eyes fell back on me. He looked as if he was trying to solve a puzzle but there was a missing piece. Finally, he said, looking away from me, “I’m sorry. I have to go.”
“What?” Skylar pouted, looking at him as he stepped around her.
He didn’t answer her. Instead, Jackson gave me one last fleeting look before he shook his head and walked out.
Skylar poked her head out into the hallway, calling after Jackson, but when the front door slammed shut a few seconds later, she moved back into my room and glared at me. “What did you do?” she demanded. “What did you say to make him leave?”
Any other time her anger and dismay might have been intimidating enough to make me answer, but not today.
“Skylar,” I said calmly, “get the hell out of my room and fuck off.”
Friday, December 8th, 2006
Dark and dreary,
inside and out
Hollow, yet heavy,
my heart feels doubt.
Broken and mended,
destroyed must be my style.
Hopeless and tired,
I’ve already walked a thousand miles.
I’ve walked for so long
just to seek you out.
But when I got there,
I found all we had,
shrouded in nothing but doubt.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Most of my life I’d been too afraid to really stand up to my sister. Of course we often had little squabbles that involved bickering back and forth, but Skylar generally won simply because she was older, stronger and just plain meaner. Finally standing up to Skylar was my moment of liberation. I knew something in me had changed, whether I liked it or not, when I was able to tell my sister off without worrying about the repercussions. I realized I was no longer afraid of my sister.
My fear was never about physical harm. Skylar was very good at getting her way, so it always felt like she had the upper hand. Luke had called her a weasel in the past because she was able to talk herself out of sticky situations on various occasions. Most of the time it was easier for me to just let her have her way than try to outsmart her or deal with another stupid fight.
However, my confrontation with Jackson, though unpleasant and unintended, had caused something in me to snap. Most people probably wouldn’t consider telling their sister to “fuck off” to be a big deal, but it was cathartic for me. It was the first time I’d ever said anything like that to her, and she was so gobsmacked she wasn’t able to reply with one of her witty comebacks. Instead, she’d only shot me a dirty look and stomped off.
It wasn’t until later, after I’d talked to Tegan, that I really had a chance to absorb what happened with Jackson. Everything happened so fast, and at first I’d felt relieved. I no longer had to carry around the anxiety and hurt. Of course, I would have preferred for things to happen in a less hostile manner. I realized I should have just stepped up and stopped moping and called him and talked things through with him instead of letting my anger build and forcing Jackson to confront me about my behavior. Instead, I’d kept my feelings bottled up until I just blew up and started stupidly spouting off.
As the days after our confrontation passed, though, I began to feel guilty. Jackson had looked so hurt when I accused him of using me. I’d taken my suspicions and insecurities and threw them in his face because I was angry and ignored his denials. As my guilt built, the melancholy that had receded due to my feelings of liberation resurfaced.
“It’s not as though some good didn’t come out of all this, though,” Tegan reminded me about a week after the argument with Jackson. “You finally stood up to Skylar, and Jackson has left her hanging.”
I couldn’t argue her point. Even though I was a little nervous that Skylar might try to retaliate against me in some way, I couldn’t help but smile when I thought of telling her off. Besides, I wasn’t sure what she could do to get back at me anyway. Public humiliation was out. I could just act spastic and tell everyone I was her little sister to embarrass her in return.
Also, I could pull out the big guns. I could tell Mom and Dad. Even though I often felt overlooked, being the baby of the family sometimes came in handy. When my brother or sister thought they could get away with picking on me, I could still tattle on them to our parents to get them in trouble. It wasn’t something I did often. It had been years, in fact, since I’d resorted to such juvenile measures, but I wasn’t afraid to do it if it was really necessary.
“Don’t worry about Skylar,” Tegan assured me. “She’ll get over it, and everything will be fine.”
“I hope so.” I was still a little paranoid. Skylar and I weren’t on speaking terms, and I was riding to school with Luke every morning and after school when I didn’t get a ride home with Tierney and Tegan. I wasn’t sure how angry she was over the incident. She masked it pretty well when our parents were around to avoid any questions, but we still exchanged heated glares from time to time.
Tegan’s optimism that everything would work out extended to Jackson as well. In my mind, I thought Skylar and I had a better chance of patching things up than Jackson and I. I hated fighting with anyone, but especially my friends, and I knew I’d really upset Jackson. In the moment I’d felt vindicated, but in the time since I’d started to see things a bit clearer. If I were Jackson I’d probably hate me and never want to speak to me again. I hoped he was a better person than me, but as the second week passed with no word from him, my hopes started to diminish.
I considered sucking it up and apologizing, but I was having trouble working up the nerve to do so. I didn’t even know how or where to begin because “I’m sorry” sounded so ridiculously feeble.
Tegan decided she wasn’t going to allow me to mope around about it anymore, so the Saturday after the second week of silence between Jackson and I she showed up at my house bright and early.
I was still lying in bed in my pajamas, rereading Just Listen by Sarah Dessen, when she came into my room and without so much as a greeting demanded, “Get dressed. We’re going Christmas shopping. My mom’s waiting in the car to drop us off.”
It seemed impossible Christmas was only a little over a week away. I hadn’t even started my Christmas shopping, so with only slight reluctance I climbed out of bed and said, “Give me ten minutes to get ready.”
“I’m timing you!” she warned.
I felt guilty asking Mom for shopping money because it meant she was basically paying for her own Christmas present. It didn’t do much to brighten my mood, but, hopefully, next year I’d have a job and my own shopping money.
Within thirty minutes of Tegan showing up at my house, Trista was dropping us off at the front entrance of the mall. While I wasn’t a huge fan of shopping, in general, I did enjoy Christmas shopping. Obviously, I wasn’t a big spender, but I liked to buy sentimental gifts or something that made me think of the person I was buying for.
“Going to get Skylar a broom and witch’s hat?” Tegan teased.
I laughed and shook my head. “No, I really don’t want there to be a huge brawl on Christmas morning.”
Tegan pouted a bit but shrugged. “Fine, where should we start?”
I hadn’t given gifts much thought this year
since my mind was elsewhere. I knew I had to find some kind of trinket for Mom. I’d bought her one each year for as long as I could remember, and she always fussed and cooed over them as if I’d made them myself. Even though I hated to admit it, it always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside because it reconfirmed that I’d picked just the right gift for her.
Dad was always a tough one. He was so practical, and his interests didn’t extend far beyond golf and the newspaper. He already had a subscription to the newspaper, obviously, so that was out. One year I considered buying him toilet paper and a box of Kleenex. They were both sensible items I was sure he would put to good use.
The one time I tried to buy Dad clothes was a disaster. The plain deep blue polo was just his style, plain and boring, but I got a size too small, so he had to exchange it. He wasn’t pleased about standing in the customer service lines. I decided after that there would be no more gifting clothing to Dad unless it was socks.
Usually, Luke and Skylar were the easiest to shop for, but considering I was angry with my sister, I suspected shopping for her was going to be a hassle. Tegan wasn’t too far off the mark with the witch costume. I thought a lump of coal would be fitting for her. I knew they had candy coal, but I reminded myself of my previous statement about not wanting a fight on Christmas.
It seemed there was some stupid unwritten or unspoken law somewhere that said siblings must love each other no matter how much they dislike one another. Because of that, I knew I’d have to buy something decent for Skylar, whether she deserved it or not.
Luke, however, looked like he was going to be the easiest to shop for. It didn’t hurt that my regard for him was much more pleasant than usual. He’d been nicer to me lately and made me feel like less of a spaz. I wasn’t quite sure, but I thought maybe we were bonding. I didn’t want to press my luck and ask, so I was just going with it. In any event, I knew without thinking much about it that I should buy him a CD.
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