Mom nodded and looped her arm through mine. “I’ll take Silly in with me,” she said to Skylar and Luke. They nodded, solemnly. My stomach twisted with unease as Mom led me into the room. I had no idea what kind of state he’d been in. I tried to prepare myself for the worst; that turned out to be good, because as we approached the bed, I saw that he did look pretty bad. Rationally, I knew the multitude of noisy machinery surrounding him only made things appear worse.
“It’s okay, Cecilia,” Mom whispered, pulling me close, as we approached Dad’s bed.
His eyes were closed, and, aside from looking a little sallow, he looked as he always did when asleep. I realized people often said or thought similarly about someone who’d died. The notion made me feel ill as I tried to force back tears; the mere idea of losing my father scared me senseless.
Mom took Dad’s hand in hers and rubbed it lovingly. “Theo, it’s Leela.” She spoke softly, in the voice she usually reserved for when Luke, Skylar or I were sick or upset. “Cecilia’s here with me, honey. They’re getting ready to take you in for emergency surgery.” She choked up a bit then, but she pressed on. “But don’t worry; everything’s going to be fine.”
Mom continued to speak, but I zoned out a bit as I watched her. Aside from choking up the once, she managed to sound surprisingly calm, despite the huge tears that continued to roll down her cheeks. If the idea of losing Dad scared me senseless, I couldn’t fathom what Mom must be feeling. What would she do if she lost Dad? Sure, she could probably get by financially, but that wasn’t where my thoughts were. My main concern was how she’d ever get past the loneliness and heartbreak of losing the love of her life. That sort of pain had to be unbearable.
I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to remove that line of thinking. That wasn’t a road I needed to go down; it wasn’t going to happen. Dad was going be perfectly fine, I assured myself. If nothing else, he was simply too practical to just up and die; he wasn’t the type to leave things unfinished.
Finally, Mom seemed to run out of things to say; she leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips before stepping back. When Mom didn’t move to leave the room, though, I stepped closer to the bed. I wasn’t sure what I should do, but I cleared my throat.
“Hi, Dad.” My voice sounded scratchy, and when I blinked, the wet moisture that had been building in my eyes slid down my face. I cleared my throat again, sniffling back my sorrow. “This is kind of weird,” I admitted. “I don’t really know what to say, which is hilarious, right? I mean, it’s me; when does not knowing what to say ever stand in the way?” I paused, as if waiting for an answer but none came. I breathed in and out slowly. “Anyway, I know you’ll be okay.” I leaned over and kissed his stubbly cheek. “I love you, Daddy.”
I wiped away the tears as I stepped back. I turned to Mom and she smiled, reassuringly, and opened her arms to me. I went to her, and she held me close. I felt like a small child, letting her warmth soothe me. It seemed to be just what I needed. Just a bit of my fear, if only just for a few moments, was abated.
After a moment she spoke into my hair, “We should go. We need to give Skylar and Luke a chance to see your father before they come to take him to surgery.”
We waited in the hallway while Luke and Skylar took their turn seeing Dad. They didn’t stay inside long, and when they came back into the hallway, tear tracks stained Skylar’s cheeks while Luke’s eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks ruddy, as if he’d been crying as well but done his best to wipe away all evidence.
We stayed outside the room until they came to take Dad into surgery. Then we traced our steps back to the waiting room. That was when the real torture began.
Time seemed to pass at an impossibly slow pace. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Mom busied herself with calling both her and Dad’s family on her cell phone. Having something to do seemed to steady her and bring back some of her composure.
Luke and Skylar both seemed equally as lost as me.
Aside from Mom’s voice across the room in the far corner, it was so quiet; it was unnerving. I tried not to fidget, but it was so hard to just sit still and do nothing.
Finally, Mom paused in making phone calls to fish her wallet out of her purse. She pulled out a few dollars and a handful of change. “Silly, would you go get me something to drink?”
I noticed Sherry open her mouth, probably to offer to do it instead, but I quickly jumped out of seat, eager for something to do, and took the offered money. She glanced around at everyone else. “Would any of you like something?”
Luke and Skylar both wanted drinks, but Sherry and Jim waved her off, saying they were fine. Mom produced some more money. “Get snacks if there’s enough money leftover.”
I wondered the labyrinth of corridors before I found the signs leading me back to the elevators. I went back down to the first floor, and from there I was able to locate the vending machines without any problem. The distraction of the task helped to ease some of my disquiet.
I wasn’t sure how long Dad’s surgery would take, but he’d gone back nearly an hour ago. I couldn’t help but wonder how things were going. From the way the nurse spoke before taking Dad back, the surgery was pretty standard, but there was always a risk. Either way, I had a feeling we were going to be at the hospital for quite a while.
What I needed right now was Tegan. She was usually my voice of reason; she’d know how to stay calm. She was usually sturdy, like Mom, in the face of crisis. As I was collecting drinks and snacks from the vending machines, I noticed the payphones in the corner of the small area. I sat everything on the table nearest to the phones and counted the leftover change. I had just enough to make a phone call.
I slid the coins into the slot and took a deep breath at the sound of the dial tone. I punched in Tegan’s cell phone number. I was certain she’d be asleep, but, even though she was angry with me, I still had to try.
The phone rang several times before someone picked up. There was a short silence before Tegan answered in a groggy voice, “Hello?”
“Tegan.” My voiced cracked on her name.
“Silly?” She yawned into the phone. “Do you know what time it is?”
I didn’t, actually, but I knew it was late. That wasn’t important, though. “Tee,” I said quietly. “My dad had a heart attack. He’s in surgery.”
Without so much as a pause, she asked, “Where are you? County?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll be there as soon as possible.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay.”
I hung up the phone and gathered all of the items I’d purchased. I made my way, unhurriedly, back up to the waiting room. There, I passed out the drinks and laid the snacks out on one of the chairs. Mom was still making phone calls. I wondered why she hadn’t asked the first family member she called to inform the rest, like they did with the prayer chain at the church the Tylers sometimes attended.
I sipped my Pibb Xtra while I stared absently at the paintings on the wall. Eventually the colors began to blur together as my thoughts shifted and swirled. I couldn’t help but wonder if it would have made a difference if Jackson and I had taken Mom up on her invitation and went with her and Dad to the country club. Would he have still had a heart attack? I couldn’t imagine my parents ever dancing together in front of me, but had that been what brought on his attack? Slow dancing hardly seemed strenuous, so maybe not.
Maybe Jackson and I tagging along wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. Maybe nothing could have stopped this from happening. Maybe it was like in those Final Destination movies; you can’t cheat death or stop fate. That thought made my stomach lurch, and for a moment I felt as if I might be sick.
Why was this happening? My family was far from perfect, but, despite our differences, I knew we loved each other. Dad was a stubborn man, but he always had a way of coming around in his own time. How could he be ripped away from us now? There were still so many things left unresolved: Dad and Luke’s spat over quitting base
ball, Skylar’s choice in college, his distaste for the guy I was pretty sure I loved and, of course, the new baby.
I was drawn out of my head when Tegan rushed into the room. Her cheeks were pink—likely from the cool night air—and her eyes were wide while her jaw was set with determination. My relief at seeing Tegan was palpable. I launched myself out of my seat, and she ran over to me, throwing her arms around my neck. For the first time all night, I felt like I could finally let go of all I’d been holding inside and allowed myself to cry without reservation.
“It’s okay,” she whispered, reassuringly. “Everything’s going to be fine.”
Her words felt like a life preserver. I knew she had no way of knowing how things would turn out, but it was a relief to allow myself this moment to fall apart. I hated letting my family see just how scared I was; after all, I’d always been considered the optimistic one. In that way of thinking I was supposed to be the one telling them that everything would be all right, but I just couldn’t find the good in the situation.
When I pulled away from Tegan, I noticed Travis talking to Mom. I half listened as Mom explained to him what happened. A shiver ran down my spine at the thought of Dad lying in a cold operating room with his chest cut open.
Travis glanced over at Tegan and I. He smiled reassuringly; I tried to smile back, but I couldn’t quite manage it.
“Why don’t we go for a walk?” Tegan suggested.
I nodded and allowed her to loop her arm through mine, much in the same way Mom had, and lead me out into the hallway. We were quiet for several moments, which was fine because I wasn’t sure I could find my voice again so soon after my latest crying jag.
Absently, I wondered why, of all colors, they’d chosen to paint the walls such a sickening shade of pale yellow. Maybe it was meant to be cheerful and uplifting, but I wasn’t sure there was anything that could make a hospital feel anything other than cold and unwelcoming. It seemed wrong that people were meant fight to survive and try to thrive in such a cool environment.
When I felt I couldn’t go any further, I stopped walking to lean against the wall. It was cool against my back, which reinforced my previous thoughts. Tegan stopped next to me. She waited patiently, giving me a chance to decide if I wanted to speak.
After several seconds, I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I closed it again, shaking my head. I took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure what to say.
It didn’t escape my notice that only a few short hours ago Tegan had been so angry with me. I still couldn’t understand how she could possibly believe she wasn’t important to me. She meant so much to me; I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Still, despite her feelings of abandonment, she’d come without an ounce of hesitation. Her ability to push her own feelings of anger and hurt to the side to be here for me blew me way; she truly was an amazing friend.
When I finally found my voice, I said, “I’m sorry.”
Tegan raised an eyebrow. The confusion was evident in her expression. “What are you sorry for? This isn’t your fault.”
“No.” I shook my head and elaborated. “I meant for making you feel like I was choosing Jackson over you.”
“Silly.” Tegan rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Don’t even worry about that.”
“No, I have to say this.” I wished I’d had more time to collect my thoughts and say this with some sort of articulation, but I couldn’t just shove it aside for later. “You’re my best friend, Tegan, but you’re also so much more than that. You’re family, like the sister I got to choose. No matter what guy comes into my life, you’ll always be important to me.”
“Sil—”
I cut her off. “The MySpace thing—it was an accident. I fixed it, though. You’re number one, and I swear to try to never again make you feel like you come in second.”
“I know that, Sil.” She tugged at my arm and drew me into a hug. “I was just overreacting,” she continued as I clung to her. “It was stupid, and I was just being a brat. I realized that almost as soon as it happened. I’m sorry I said those things to you. Can we just forget it?”
I nodded, relieved tears dripping from my eyes, as I confessed, “I’m so scared, Tegan.”
“I know,” she nodded. “But it’s going to be okay. Your dad’s strong; he’ll pull through.”
She sounded so sure of herself, so I knew she had to believe what she was saying. I just hoped she was right.
“Did you call Jackson?” she asked after a moment.
“No.” I shook my head. “I just called you.” I laughed, in spite of myself. “I didn’t even think about calling him.”
Tegan smiled sympathetically. “Why don’t we go back to the waiting room and see if there’s any news?”
I agreed though I wasn’t sure if hearing news now would be a good thing. Right now, it almost felt like no news was good news.
Because Mom was back on the phone when we got back to the waiting room, Tegan asked Travis, “Have you heard anything yet?”
He shook his head, grimly, and Tegan and I went to sit. Luke was stretched out across the room, near Mom, on the other couch in the waiting room while Skylar was still seated in the same seat as before, listening to her iPod and thumbing through a magazine. Her eyes weren’t moving across the pages, though; I suspected her thoughts were elsewhere.
I sunk into my seat and took a sip of Pibb Xtra. Tegan gave my arm a reassuring squeeze. We sat quietly for a few minutes before she gave my arm another squeeze and stood. “I’ll be right back.”
I nodded and watched her leave, assuming she sought out the restroom.
I tapped my feet nervously for a few seconds, but I couldn’t stand sitting there alone. I moved over and took the seat next to Skylar.
She looked over at me and pulled the buds from her ears. “You okay?”
I shrugged. “You?”
“I just don’t like waiting,” she answered on a sigh.
I nodded my agreement.
“Where did Tegan go?”
I shrugged. “Bathroom, I think.”
She nodded, and we sat quietly for a few minutes before she said, “I called Stevie.”
“Is she coming here?”
“Yeah, she should be here soon.”
Good, I thought. As much as we loved each other, sometimes a different kind of support was necessary. I imagined Skylar felt she could only speak openly with Stevie the same way I talked to Tegan.
“How do you think Luke’s doing?” I wondered. As far as I knew, he hadn’t called anyone.
Skylar glanced over her shoulder toward Luke. “I think he’s okay,” she said after a moment’s consideration. “His answer in the face of a crisis seems to be to sleep through it.”
“I wish I could sleep at a time like this,” I sighed.
“No kidding,” Skylar scoffed.
When Tegan showed up several minutes later, I asked, “What took you so long?”
“Couldn’t find the bathroom,” she shrugged, sinking into the seat next to me.
We sat quietly, listening to Mom talk on the phone. She’d long since called all of the family, but the phone had rung a few times. I presumed it was family calling back to check in for news. If it weren’t keeping Mom composed, I’d have been annoyed on her behalf.
My eyes drooped a few times; I was running on only a couple of hours of sleep, but I always jolted awake. I wondered how Mom and Skylar were still going. It was after three in the morning the last I checked the time. As far as I knew, Skylar hadn’t made it to bed before Mom called, and I knew Mom had been awake since early the previous morning.
Because it was so late, there wasn’t much activity in our area of the hospital, so when I heard footsteps echoing down the hallway, my first thought—hope or fear, I couldn’t be sure—was that it was the doctor finally coming to us with news. Skylar looked up as well, probably expecting Stevie, so I was sure I wasn’t the only one surprised to see Jackson step into the waiting room.
His hair was an even b
igger mess than usual, sticking up every which way, and his clothes were wrinkled, but his eyes were alert and worried. He only glanced around the room once before he strode over to me.
I stood, dumbstruck. Jackson was the last person I’d expected to see walk into the room. He cupped my face in his hands when he reached me and whispered, “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “How did you . . .”
“Know to come?” he finished for me. I nodded. “Tegan called.” That nugget of information came as a shock, but I realized that must have been where she’d gone instead of the restroom. Jackson pulled me from my thoughts. “Have you heard anything from the doctors?”
Frowning, I shook my head.
“They’re probably still operating,” Jackson reasoned as he pulled me into his arms. I was so glad to see him. I felt so safe and warm in his arms. I was so grateful to Tegan for calling him.
He released me from his embrace, but he kept me close, squeezing my shoulder reassuringly.
“Hey, Tegan,” he greeted. She returned his nod, and then he looked to my sister. “How are you doing, Skylar?”
She shrugged.
He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. “Hang in here,” he said.
He sounded so calm; it reminded me of Tegan. I felt so blessed to have such goodhearted people in my life.
Stevie showed up only a few minutes later just before Dad’s parents arrived. I realized Mom must have called them almost immediately, or they’d just really made good time. With so many people arriving, Jim and Sherry decided to leave. Travis stayed for a while longer before finally deciding to head home as well. Jackson offered Tegan a ride home since she didn’t want to leave me.
Grandma and Grandpa Granger were even more stoic than usual, which I guessed meant they were incredibly upset. It was ridiculously quiet for a room full of people, but it seemed no one knew what to say or do.
Mom’s anxiety seemed to resurface when she had nothing else to busy her. She alternately sat and paced, occasionally wondering aloud what was taking so long. I empathized with her, understanding just how difficult it was to sit and do nothing.
Infinite (Strange and Beautiful, Book 1) Page 58