“Like what?”
I grabbed the envelope with the original copies of the reports and handed it to her. I explained the odd placement of the bruises, the stain on the seat, the lipstick…
"Your mother did love her red lipstick." She smiled. "I used to send her cases of it when she was…away." She sighed and gathered the papers and stacked them in her lap.
“This is serious, Cole. What’s your plan?”
I shrugged. “I gave a friend a copy of the reports. He’s going to look into it for me and let me know if it’s something more definitive.”
“You should talk to your dad about this.”
I nodded. "I'll talk to Dad tomorrow."
“Good.” She patted my hand. “Your mother’s ashes are still in my study. Do you have a plan for those?”
I had her cremated like she wanted, and her ashes shipped to my parents’ house where there was always someone home to sign for them. That was my excuse, at least.
I shook my head. “I wanna think about it.”
“Okay,” she sighed again. “And what’s your plan for yourself?”
“What?”
"Cole, you can't keep this up. You're burning the candle from both ends and in the middle. You deserve better, and most of all, CJ deserves better."
“Mom, I don’t—”
"Listen," she cut me off. "Monday through Friday, I will come over at seven thirty and help you with the baby for a few hours."
I stared at her, afraid to move in case this offer was too good to be true.
“For two weeks.”
There it was, but I would take what I could get.
"You need to hire someone to help you." She stood and bent over to kiss me on the forehead. I opened my mouth to protest. "Figure it out." She raised her eyebrows at me, and I closed my mouth. "Now, where do you keep your extra sheets?"
I furrowed my brow at her.
“I’m gonna sleep on the couch so you can get a decent night’s sleep. You look like the walking dead.”
“Is there a chance of talking you out of this?”
“Nope.”
"Well, first, thank you, and second, you should sleep upstairs in my room, and I'll take the couch. Not up for debate." I smiled.
“Fine. Goodnight, baby. Don’t stay up too late.”
* * *
CJ woke up at his usual time, and just as I peeled myself off of the couch to go to him, I heard my mom's voice shushing and saw her rocking him on the baby monitor. I smiled and closed my eyes, ready to drift to sleep again when I heard a knock on the door. Suddenly wide awake and knowing exactly who it was, I jumped off of the couch, ran my fingers through my hair, and checked my breath.
“Hey,” I whispered as I opened the door.
Lisa narrowed her eyes at me, looking around for CJ.
“Hey,” she said. “I just came to see if you needed… Where’s CJ?”
"Oh." I tried to sound nonchalant as if I didn't know that was the only reason she was here. "My mom is here, and she's helping me out with the baby tonight." I stared at her, unsure of what to say next. Her face showed the unmistakable signs of disappointment. "Did you want to come in?"
“No, I shouldn’t,” she whispered. “It sounds like you have everything under control here. I shouldn’t have come.”
“No, I’m glad you did.”
Calm down, Cole.
“I mean, it’s nice that CJ has you looking out for him. And me, too. I really appreciate it.” I knew I was a smart person, but something about being in Lisa’s presence made me incapable of forming a coherent sentence.
“I should go.” She turned and ran down the stairs.
“Hey,” I called after her and followed her to the sidewalk. “What’s wrong?”
"Nothing." She shook her head, which made her long mane of wavy chestnut-colored hair fly around her shoulders. Her eyes met mine and held such sadness that I was overcome by the sudden urge to hug her, but I resisted. She turned away and walked toward her door. I watched her until she slid her key into the deadbolt lock. "I found someone interested in the nanny position," she called over her shoulder. "If you were still looking."
"Really?" For a brief stupid moment, I hoped she was talking about herself.
“Yeah, her name is Theresa. She works with me.”
“Oh.” I deflated. “Okay, you can give me her contact info the next time I see you.”
“I’ll put it in your mailbox.”
Ouch.
“Cool. Thanks.”
She nodded and entered her apartment. I watched her door for a few minutes when I heard a familiar voice.
“Cole, honey, what are you doing outside?”
“Hey, Ma. Sorry. Nothing. How’s the kid?” I kissed her on the cheek as I passed her to enter the house.
“The kid is asleep. Are you going to tell me why you’re outside in your bare feet at three in the morning?”
“Can I tell you later?”
“Fine. Goodnight. I love you,” she called as she ascended the stairs.
“’Night, Ma. Love you too.”
* * *
Last night turned out to be the best night—or morning—of sleep I've had in ages. When I woke up, Mom had CJ dressed, and they were headed over to her house where I'd meet them for breakfast after I showered and changed.
I grabbed Crystal's reports on my way out of the door, and I walked past Kimberly's brownstone and contemplated knocking on Lisa's door, deciding against it.
Dad looked over the reports, agreed that something was very wrong, and also co-signed my decision to wait until I had more information before calling Detective Tan. We hung out at Mom and Dad's for a few more hours, during which I avoided Mom's office, and we left just in time to see Lisa walking up the block in her running gear. I made a mental note to remember that she runs every Saturday afternoon.
“Hey, neighbor,” I called as she approached. She stopped short when she saw us. She was wearing an embarrassed expression that softened into something else when her gaze settled on CJ.
"Hi." She got closer, and CJ leaned forward, reaching out for her, wiggling and kicking himself out of my arms. Lisa grabbed him and pressed him to her chest, giggling. "Well, hello to you too, cutie."
"You flat leaver." I chuckled at CJ, and Lisa grinned.
“Flat leaver?” She was wearing a bemused expression, but still smiling.
“Yeah, someone that leaves you flat. You’ve never heard that expression?”
“No, it must be a New York thing.” She laughed, and I was so mesmerized by her smile that I barely noticed CJ grab one of her AirPods, and shove it in his mouth. "Shit! Spit it out, buddy. " I dove forward, and dug the earphone out of his mouth before he had a chance to choke. I clutched the drool-covered piece of plastic and reached for the one still in her ear. I paused. "Do you mind?"
"Oh, no. Go for it," Lisa chuckled and turned her head. I gently pulled the AirPod from her ear, barely grazing the shell of it with my fingertips. My chest constricted, and my brain flashed the memory of my lips caressing that same ear when she was sprawled on my kitchen island.
"Got it. I'm so sorry. This kid puts everything in his mouth." I shook my head. Lisa was still smiling. "The other day, I found a quarter in his diaper, and I don't know if he swallowed it or if he put it in there for me as a tip."
Lisa bit her bottom lip and chuckled. Our gazes met and lingered. She averted her eyes first.
“Hey, if you’re not busy now, why don’t you come over and hang out.”
Her face was impassive as she continued bouncing CJ on her hip.
"You haven't come over in a couple days, and this guy obviously missed you."
No response.
“We could have lunch.”
“You cook?” she finally said.
"No. I mean, I definitely know how to cook, but I'm not the best," I answered. "But, I'm really good at ordering burritos."
She laughed again. Raising my eyebrows, I waited for her response.
She looked from me to CJ and back. I could tell she was considering it.
"I really shouldn't. I'm all sweaty, and I have a lot of stuff to get done today. I should go."
I was barely aware that we'd started walking again until we stopped at her gate. She kissed CJ on the forehead and handed him to me. He pouted, and his bottom lip quivered. I knew exactly how he felt.
“Hey,” I called to her as she walked to the door of her apartment. She turned to face me. “Did I do something—something else—to offend you?”
“No,” she answered. “It’s not you. I just need to set some boundaries and respect them. Is that okay?”
“Of course. I just wish I had a better understanding of what was going on here. I mean, I’m not proposing. I like hanging out with you. CJ is crazy about you. You live twenty feet away. I don’t get it.”
"Look, I'm sorry. I think you're great. I mean, there's obviously something…and I adore CJ. How could you not?" She glanced at him, curled up in my arms. "But I don't want this to turn into something I'm not ready for. I don't want to get too attached."
Holy fuck. You would think I’d be used to getting rejected by pint-sized women with long brown hair, but I suddenly felt like I’d been kicked in the chest.
“Okay.” I tried to think of something else to say, but nothing sprang to mind. “Okay.”
She went into her apartment, letting the door close softly behind her as CJ and I stood at the gate.
* * *
The following week at work flew by. I should've felt better, but I didn't. Mom came over every night and helped with CJ. I was getting seven uninterrupted hours of sleep. I even got another shout-out from Smith in Wednesday's meeting. There was no word from Dev about Crystal's case, but I took that as a blessing. Little man was thriving at daycare and had expanded his palate to include ravioli. Lisa made good on her promise to leave the contact information for her co-worker in my mailbox, but I haven't worked up the nerve to call her yet. I was going to have to pull the trigger soon. I only had one more week with Mom.
It was stupid to get so focused on Lisa when I had so much other shit going on. I hadn't talked to her since that Saturday, and there were definitely no more late-night visits. I missed talking to her and watching her dote on CJ. I loved trying to make her smile and those rare small moments when her mask would slip, and she'd reveal something personal about herself.
But she shut me down. She didn't want a relationship, and neither did I, but why did that mean we couldn't be friends? Maybe it was because she knew that we couldn't be friends. There was something electric between us. It was like some invisible tether that drew us together. If we let it go unchecked, it would definitely turn into something neither of us was ready for.
She was right. She was trying to save us from a lot of unnecessary pain. And there was CJ to think about. I couldn’t let him get attached to someone just to lose them again. I thought of how upset he was when Lisa handed him back to me. I had to stop thinking about myself.
I pulled Theresa’s number out of my wallet and dialed.
9
cole
The weekend passed without incident. Incident meaning, running into Lisa. I hoped to catch a glimpse of her coming back from her afternoon run, but I either missed her or she skipped this weekend. Theresa came over and interviewed with Mom and me. CJ seemed to like her, so that was good. She'd start in a couple of days. It had been almost two months since I'd lost Crystal and found CJ, and things were finally starting to feel normal.
“Cole.” Natalie popped her head into Thursday’s morning meeting. “It’s the daycare.”
Shit. I jumped up and shot a quick glance at Smith, who gave me a terse nod as I slid around the exterior of the conference room.
I hauled ass towards the daycare as soon as the elevator doors opened.
* * *
“Hey, Cole Simmons.” I gasped for breath. “I got a call about CJ West. Is he okay? Where is he?”
Cindy put a calming hand on my bicep. "Yes, CJ is fine. He just went down for a nap." Her tone was soothing, but she wasn't smiling, and she still hadn't explained why she called me down here. "Come into my office."
I followed her down the hall and took one of the chairs in front of her desk. She seated herself in the chair next to mine and turned to face me.
"Unfortunately, there was an incident. I'm very sorry, but we won't be able to keep CJ at the daycare."
I felt the blood drain from my face. “What? Why not?”
“He bit another child.”
“Okaaaaay…and…” This was it. This was CJ’s big crime.
"We have a zero-tolerance policy for biting."
I laughed. "A zero-tolerance policy. Are you kidding me? He's a year and half old, and he's been having a lot of problems teething. Have you been giving him the teething stuff? This is ridiculous."
"Look, Cole. I know this is frustrating, and I understand how important the daycare is for you and CJ. Your circumstances…"
My face must have gone cold and hard because Cindy's voice trailed off at my expression. This wasn't the first time she tried to get me to open up about the way CJ was brought into my life. I was tuned in enough to know that it was a hot topic for the rumor mill around the firm, but I was smart enough to tune it out.
"Look, Cole. I'm going to be straight with you. It took a lot of hard work to get this daycare. Did you know this used to be a cigar room?” She waved an arm around her office. “This daycare is the culmination of five years of fighting for every dollar of funding and every square inch of space. This is a building full of lawyers. What do you think would happen if CJ bites another child, and it comes out that he'd done it before and we allowed him to stay? What if another child bit CJ? How would you want us to handle it? I can't take that risk."
“Did he draw blood? Is the other kid okay?” I couldn’t believe this was happening.
“The other child is fine. That’s not the point.”
“What if I talked to the other kid’s parent?”
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t allow that.”
“Cindy, please. I need this.”
“Cole, it’s above me now. There’s nothing I can do.”
I leaned forward and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to focus. What the fuck was I supposed to do without a daycare? "What are my options? How long does CJ have? I don't exactly have a backup plan, and I'm putting in sixty hours a week upstairs."
Cindy pursed her lips and sighed. "I can give you a list of great daycares near the office, and we'll keep CJ until the end of the day."
“The day? Jesus fucking Christ.”
"I'm sorry, Cole. Like I said, we can't take the risk."
Back at my desk, I sank into my chair and put my head in my hands. Every few weeks for the last two months, I kept getting the rug pulled out from under me. CJ and I were just starting to get acclimated to this new normal, and I felt like I was free-falling. My email pinged with an alert. Cindy had sent the list of local daycares as promised, and it made me furious all over again.
Who the fuck kicks an eighteen-month-old out of daycare?
I thought of calling my mother and asking her to help me out, but she's done enough for us already. Kimberly was out of the question. Lisa would have been my first choice, but she wasn't speaking to me. Theresa wasn't available full-time. I'd have to go part-time. I still had three weeks of paid leave left. If I split it up, maybe I could stretch it long enough to find a better long-term solution. I didn't know if the firm would go for it, but it was my only shot.
Realizing that was my only option, I went down the hall to talk to my boss.
“Cole, I understand you’re going through a rough patch, but you have to figure this out and fast.” Smith was pacing behind his desk after I explained my situation and the solution I’d proposed.
"I understand, sir. That's why I'd like to work part-time for a few weeks. I know it will set me back, but you know I can handle the workload, and once I find a more
permanent solution for CJ, I'll be back full-time."
“Yeah, until the next crisis. I hope you don’t think because your father was a partner at this firm, you can ask for special treatment.”
"Sir, I've never asked for special treatment, and I'm not asking for any now. I'm not my father, but if he were in my situation, I'm sure he'd make the same choice. I have the paid leave, and I don't have any other option. I'll work from home. I'll do whatever I need to do."
"Cole, you're good, very good. You're smart, resourceful, and you have a good work ethic. But I'll be honest, since this whole kid thing, your performance has been subpar. Cameron wants to give you time, says you'll bounce back, but now you're pulling this crap. You know, legally, I can't stop you from taking the rest of your leave, and your willingness to go down to part-time shows your eagerness to pull your weight. Plus, you're Cameron's golden boy… Do what you need to do, but you're on probation. One more fuckup, and I'll have HR send up a stack of the dozens of applicants who’d love to take your place."
I worked overtime to school my expressions and keep my face as passive as possible, but I wanted to throat punch Smith. He couldn't handle half the shit that's been dropped in my lap in the last two months. I cut my leave in half. I was the first one in the office every day. I bust my ass until the minute it's time to pick up CJ and work from home. I've never fucked up. I'd cleaned up a couple of his messes, but mentioning that wouldn't win me any trophies.
“Look, I’m not trying to be a dick.” Smith seemed to get a sense of my displeasure. “You have a lot of potential. You could go really far with this firm, farther than your dad. You could be an equity partner. But you have to be here, Cole, not playing Mr. Mom.”
* * *
“Equity partner, huh?” Dad laughed as he bounced CJ on his knee. “Smith really said that shit?”
"Language!" my mom called from the kitchen.
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