I sat back in my chair and sighed.
"Cole, I'm just saying, you're a single man, and you work ten—sometimes—twelve-hour days. CJ is basically being raised by his nanny. I know her name is Lisa, and she seems lovely, but I'm telling you how the court will see her. But,” —she tilted her head with a little smile— “if you and Lisa were married, then CJ would be raised by a stay-at-home mom while Daddy put on a suit and went to work to earn the bacon or whatever bullshit passed for logic in the 1950s or whenever Tomlinson crawled out of hell to attend Yale. See the difference?"
“Married?” My mind briefly flashed to what marriage with Lisa would be. There was a lot of me crawling in her lap after a long day at the office and watching her rock CJ to sleep. I also saw her waiting up for me to get home from work and giving up her dream of becoming a singer to take care of CJ. “That’s not gonna happen, Susan.”
“Okay…”
My lawyer clearly wasn't ready to give up what she thought would be the perfect solution. "What about an engagement—a fake engagement. You get engaged. She's already living in your house. You buy a ring. Then you ‘break up' after the adoption is finalized. It's worked before, and you don't want to take any chances."
I thought of what Lisa might say if I explained Susan's plan to her. I felt like she might say yes if it was to help CJ, and I wasn't sure what I thought about that. I also thought about her recent divorce. Would I be an insensitive asshole, asking her to do something like this? What could I even offer her that would convince her to agree to this? She did have student loan debt, and I no longer had to worry about paying for legal representation in the adoption proceedings. Technically, the money would be used for the same thing. Still, I didn't want to risk hurting her. There had to be another way.
“Susan, I can’t ask her to do that.”
“Look, Cole.” She did her motherly, hand-on-my-arm thing again. “You’re a good person. That’s why you deserve to be with CJ. If this thing goes tits up, you don’t want to look back and wonder if you did everything you possibly could.”
19
lisa
"So, how's your new job?" Dr. Burch asked.
"I love it. It feels like I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing but not exactly the way I expected." I was stretched out on her couch, staring at the tiles on her ceiling. There was a water stain that was kind of shaped like a rabbit.
“How so?”
"I wanted to have children of my own," I said quietly.
“Tell me more about the reason you accepted the job, Lisa.”
“I needed the money. I just lost my job.”
“Let’s explore the reason you couldn’t use the money from your divorce settlement.”
I sucked in a breath and let out a deep sigh. “Because that’s not my money. I don’t want that money.”
“Talk about that.”
"I don't know. I guess I just want to pretend that it doesn't exist. Can we change the subject? I really don't want to talk about that money. Even if I didn't have the money from the divorce, my parents would help me financially, but I don't want their money either. I want to earn my own way."
“What does ‘earning your own way’ mean for you?”
“I guess it means that I’m a person who is valuable and worthy. I’m more than my ability to bear children and have people take care of me.”
“Do you feel that accepting this money means that you don’t have value as a person?”
"Yes. That money makes me feel like Queen Catherine of Aragon when she was shunted off to a castle in the countryside when her husband dumped her for Anne Boleyn."
"Is what I hear that you don't feel entitled to compensation for time and effort in your marriage?"
I haven't thought about it this way before. My father had been trying to drum this idea into my head for the duration of my divorce proceedings. At the time, I thought he was pushing for such a large sum because he was sure I'd never find someone else and wanted to know I'd be taken care of for the rest of my life. He also wanted to destroy my ex-husband, but I was too numb from the shock of the only life I'd envisioned for myself crumbling around me to pay attention. Something about working for Cole and spending all the time with CJ made Dr. Burch's words click into place.
I did a lot for my husband during our marriage. I didn't think of it as a service, but it didn't seem that my husband put value in anything I did for him, or he wouldn't have cheated on me and tossed me aside like a piece of garbage. Maybe I did deserve that money for everything I put up with from him.
“Lisa,” Dr. Burch prodded. “The point of these sessions is to work through these issues out loud. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I told her my thoughts in as much detail as I could remember.
“That’s progress. Tell me about your last doctor’s appointment. Things are going well with Dr. Douglas?”
“Dr. Douglas is amazing. Following her protocol hasn’t always been easy, but she says I’m making real progress.”
“Do you agree, Lisa?”
“Well,” I began slowly. “I definitely feel better, and my symptoms are getting easier to manage.” I paused.
Dr. Burch didn't speak, so I turned to look at her. Her eyebrows were raised as if she instinctually knew I wasn't telling her everything. I took a deep breath and felt my eyes sting and well with tears.
"She said that I should consider using birth control because I might be ovulating." My voice cracked, and I couldn't say anything more.
“You appear to be upset about this.”
This is why therapy was so frustrating. I was grateful for Dr. Burch, and she's helped me cope with a lot after my divorce, but unfortunately, baring your soul and facing hard truths about yourself was the path to healing. It was a hard path, and today it felt more like a climb.
I reiterated all of the thoughts that plagued me after my last appointment leading up to me becoming CJ’s nanny.
“You just told me you loved your job.”
"I do, but…" I sighed. "It’s confusing. I love spending time with CJ. I've been able to save money for the first time since I moved to New York, but I feel conflicted."
“How so?”
"A woman stopped me at the playground last week and told me how beautiful my son was, and how much he looked like me." I swallowed. "I didn't correct her. I just smiled and said, thank you."
“Do you have a photo of CJ?”
I gave her a small sarcastic laugh. There were dozens of pictures of my little nugget. I'd saved more pictures of him on my phone than any of my family members combined. I pulled up a selfie of us on The SeaGlass Carousel on my phone and handed it to her.
"Well." She smiled before handing my phone back to me. "I can definitely see how one might make that assumption. That is one adorable little guy, and you both look happy. Why do you think you didn't correct the woman at the park?"
"At first, I thought it would be easier than giving her an explanation, but now I think I did it because I wanted it to be true. I've just gotten so attached. I love CJ, and I feel like he's mine. That can't be healthy, right? Given my history?"
“Well, let’s see.” She sat up and leaned forward in her chair. “Do you view CJ as a potential replacement for the children you wanted to have during your marriage?”
“No.”
“Do you believe that you conceived, carried, and gave birth to CJ?”
“Of course not.”
“Do you have the desire to harm CJ or take him away from his family?”
“Oh my God, no.”
"Well, I'm not concerned, and I don't think you should be either. It sounds like you're a good fit." She sat back in her chair. "I feel like there's something else. You haven't talked about CJ's brother. Cole, right? You've mentioned him a lot in previous sessions, but today, nothing. Tell me about him."
I told her about the rapid progression of our relationship and the self-imposed limbo we’d cast ourselves into.
“And the employment c
ontract was your idea?”
"Yes. It's the responsible thing to do…so we both know where we stand."
“Tell me about your dating life since the divorce.”
"I had that one-night stand. Does that count?"
“You tell me.”
“No, I haven’t been on any dates,” I murmured.
“Why do you think that is, Lisa?”
“I don’t know. I just got divorced. I’m seeing a new doctor. I moved to a new city and am trying to figure out my life.”
“You’ve been divorced over a year. When do you feel that you might explore dating again?”
“Never… I don’t know.”
“Let’s explore your feelings about Cole.”
My thoughts instantly went to him. I loved the way his eyes lit up whenever he saw me. I loved the way he messed up his hair when he was nervous. I loved the feeling of falling asleep in his arms. I thought of the three of us dancing together in the nursery and how perfect it felt.
"I might be in love with Cole." I blurted it out because it hadn't occurred to me until that moment. I thought I might be falling in love, but that was in the middle of a sex marathon. But, in love? Of course, I was in love with Cole. I probably had been for a while, but how could that be?
“Might? Talk about that.”
"It's too soon. I've only known Cole for three months."
“People have fallen in love in less time.”
"I was with my ex for six years before we got married, and that was a disaster."
"They are two different people, and you've changed since you were a teenager."
“What if it doesn’t work? What if I lose him and CJ? What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“What is a reward without risk?”
I didn't answer her, and I sat in silence for a long time.
“Should I tell him?” I finally asked.
"That's for you to decide."
“Can’t you just tell me exactly what to do this one time?”
“That’s not my job,” she said with a chuckle. “My job is to help you explore what’s best for you. You already have all the answers. I encourage you to unlock them. We’re out of time, Lisa. But I think we did some good work today. See you in two weeks.”
* * *
As homework, Dr. Burch suggested I make a pro/con list of telling Cole that I was in love with him. Even though I thought it was a dumb cliché, it actually turned out to be helpful. My pro list filled two pages, and my con list had consisted of eight words.
What if he doesn’t feel the same way?
I chickened out on Monday morning. Cole was acting really strange when I let myself in. He seemed more stressed than usual and almost distant. He'd been working long hours, and I know he missed seeing CJ during the day. That's why I always sent him videos, and he never forgot to tell me how much he appreciated them—another reason I loved him.
Somewhat relieved by my decision to wait, I handed him his coffee and told him to have a good day at work. He thanked me and pinned me with an expression I couldn't place. I wondered if our "agreement" was taking a toll on him, too. It was on me. I missed his touch and his natural way of being with me. I resolved to not let another day go by without telling him how I felt about him, no matter what.
* * *
I put CJ to bed at eight thirty and asked him to wish me luck. He blew me a kiss, and I went downstairs to wait for Cole to come home. I let my hair down and tried to wipe the stains off my shirt. My legs weren't shaved, and I was wearing granny panties, but I knew Cole wouldn't care, and I was a little annoyed at myself for jumping so far ahead when I didn't even know how Cole would react.
It was a little after nine when he finally walked in, dropped his backpack, and kicked off his shoes.
“Did I miss him again?”
"By about a half an hour, sorry," I said.
He sighed, sank into the couch, and picked up the baby monitor. CJ was sprawled in the middle of his bed fast asleep, looking like a starfish in footie pajamas. I took my usual spot on the opposite end of the couch.
"How was work?" I was suddenly nervous, and I hoped some small talk would ease the tension.
“Fucking long.” He sighed. “How was your day?”
“It was good. We hung out at the park. We got to see the ducks at the pond. CJ found a turtle.”
"Yeah, that video was hilarious. Thanks for sending it." He gave me a tired half-smile.
"My pleasure." I returned his smile, and our eyes met. Worry creased Cole's exhausted expression. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Lisa, I have to talk to you about something," he said, suddenly serious.
“I have to talk to you about something, too.”
“Oh, shit. Please tell me you’re not quitting.”
"No, I'm not quitting." I smiled, but my stomach was in knots.
“Thank fucking Christ.” He sighed and leaned his head back on the couch, but then sat up abruptly. “What do you have to tell me?”
“You go first.”
He furrowed his brow at me, then relaxed and took one of my hands in both of his. My heart started to race.
"Lisa," he began. "When we first met, we didn't get off on the right foot." He gave me a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. "But then we got to know each other, and you've been so amazing with CJ… I'm fucking rambling already." He raked a hand through his hair.
My chest tightened, and my breath quickened. This was it. Our feelings were mutual.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, so I'm just gonna say this."
“Yes, Cole?”
“Will you marry me?”
I yanked my hand out of his. “I’m sorry. What?” I couldn’t have heard him correctly.
“I mean, you don’t actually have to marry me, just pretend to be engaged to me until CJ’s adoption hearing.”
"What?" I edged backward on the couch. My stomach dropped, and my heart thumped in my ears.
"Lisa, I've been struggling with this for a week. I know this is a shitty thing to ask after your divorce, and the shit with us. I know that you don't want anything serious with me. I've accepted that, and you're right. Things are too crazy right now to even think about a serious relationship. But Susan thinks it will give me a better chance of getting CJ's adoption approved. I was even thinking I could pay off your student loans in exchange for you helping me, helping us—CJ and me."
“You are aware that siblings adopt each other all the time and that your little scheme is a slap in the face to single men, single parents who are dying to adopt children.” I crossed my arms and had scooted so far away from Cole that the armrest dug into my back.
“I know that. But you heard about Judge Tomlinson. I can’t risk losing CJ.”
“How are you sure that he’d rule against you?”
“He separated me from my family when I was ten.”
“What?” My hands dropped to my lap. I wanted to reach for him; to comfort him in some way, but I resisted the urge. “It’s the same judge?”
Cole nodded and scrubbed his hands over his face. "My birth mom didn't have an easy time trying to raise a kid by herself in New York. She broke the law and got caught. When I was eight, she was convicted of armed robbery."
I gasped.
"She was a lookout. She didn't technically commit armed robbery, but that didn't matter. She had priors and was sentenced to fifteen to twenty years."
“Oh my God. You were eight when this happened?”
"Yeah. Crystal wanted the Simmonses to legally adopt me. So I asked them, and since they were practically raising me for the previous six years anyway, they said yes. It should have been the easiest thing in the world, but the state had a problem with me being adopted by the Simmonses—"
“Because they’re Black,” I finished knowingly.
"Yeah," Cole said in a quiet voice. "They kept placing me in foster homes with white families, and the first chance I got, I would run and come home. After a year of that, they final
ly gave up, and my parents got an adoption hearing. Tomlinson was the judge. Despite my testimony, letters from my birth mother, my teachers…that asshole decided I'd be better off with Crystal's family in Missouri. They wanted to take me in, and they were my closest blood relatives. I think I cried more than I ever have in my life."
“I’m so sorry.”
“Not as sorry as I was.”
“Was your family in Missouri…nice?” I felt like I already knew the answer.
“No,” was all he said. I nodded, not wanting him to elaborate.
“I don’t know what to say.”
"You don't have to say anything. I ran away after a couple of months, and my parents promised me that I would never have to leave them again." He shrugged. "And they kept that promise."
We sat in silence. I understood why Cole was asking me what he was asking but was I supposed to sit on this couch and pretend that my heart wasn't broken? He said that he'd accepted that we couldn't have anything serious. He called it the shit with us.
What did that even mean?
It meant that I'd spent too much time pushing him away, and now it was too late.
“Lisa, I would completely understand if you said no. It’s a big ask and if you don’t want to do it, I’ll figure something else out.”
I sat in silence, staring at my hands curled in my lap. I know it must have taken a lot for him to ask me this. It didn't hurt any less. "When is the hearing?"
“December twenty-seventh.”
“So, a little less than three months,” I said quietly.
“Yeah,” he whispered.
“And you’ll pay off my student loans?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“We don’t have a ring.”
“We can go get one. How about Saturday…if you’re not busy?”
I swallowed a lump in my throat and nodded.
"Lisa," he said. I looked up at him and was willing myself not to cry. "Thank you so much. Thank you." The tips of his fingers twitched as if he wanted to reach for me, but he restrained himself.
"You know I would do anything for that little nugget." I tried to smile, but my face wouldn't cooperate. I needed to leave. I stood and my limbs felt like they belonged to someone else. "I should get going."
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