by Leland Roys
“You are— Oh, you are leaving me.” She could feel herself shaking. Her whole body felt cold.
“Don’t look at me that way, Nikki. You know I didn’t sign up for this. You should be in hospice anyway, why die in this shit hole? The doctors said you have what? Six months?”
“You met someone new?”
“Nikki, I want kids; I want a life, a real life. You knew that when we met.”
“Kids, right. I can’t give you children.” She tried to hold it back. It was useless, she started to cry. She felt panic taking hold of her.
“If I go to hospice, will you stay with me until it’s over? They told me it’s painful at the end. Please don’t leave me alone, please Jake, it’s just five or six months max. You can see other people. I know I don’t look pretty now. I try, it’s— Can you just stay with me? I am scared. I don’t want any of your money, you know that, right? I don’t know anyone else, I don’t want to go alone.”
“I just can’t do this. I can’t.” He brushed past her and the door shut behind him.
She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t feel anything. She sat down in her tiny hallway and closed her eyes. She tried to stop her hands from shaking by sticking them under her legs. She felt herself start to gag, and threw up all over her shirt and pants.
She looked up at her reflection in the hallway mirror. Was that really her? She tried to look away but couldn’t. She could remember when she was alive. Maybe she was already dead, she must be, she thought. Why was the phone ringing? Her cell was on mute. It was so loud, it wouldn’t stop.
The door woke her up. The nightmares were getting worse every day now. She never had a peaceful sleep. The nightmares were the only thing she had left, she guessed. They wouldn’t leave her alone until it was over.
Must be the super; she had missed her last rent payment. Maybe if she was very quiet he would go away. She wondered how long she had been out. Zoey was sleeping peacefully on her chest.
“Nikki! Are you in there? Open up. It’s Dianne.”
She jumped off the couch to Zoey’s dismay and stumbled across the floor to the door.
“Dianne, I’m in here, just a second.” She unlocked the door and pulled it open.
“Nikki! Wait until you—” She paused as she looked around. The place was a wreck. She had been over many times before. Everything had always been so tidy and organized. It looked like she had been robbed.
“What happened in here!”
“Oh, nothing. Sorry for the mess, I’ve just been tired, haven’t had time to clean up.”
She tried to change the subject. “Why did you come over?”
“Remember that search you wanted me to run? I got a hit. You might want to sit back down for this.”
Alex. A jolt went through her. He was ESU? She felt a burst of energy flow through her body.
“OK, you know you told me to look back 10 years, right?”
She nodded.
“Well, by luck, everything is going electronic at ESU, they are starting to scan all the old documents in now, and I mean everything. And the software is full of bugs. The system took my search as complete.”
She could tell Nikki didn’t get it.
“What I mean is, it searched every record we had on squad members back for a hundred years! Technology, huh! It looked at records before they even had a real ESU team.”
“One hundred years,” Nikki repeated it. She felt dazed.
“Now for the good part. I got a hit, on the tattoo, just a text description. On a hunch, I called the main warehouse and found this.”
Nikki did need to sit down. She was exhausted from just standing. She found the closest chair.
“So, I didn’t believe it at first myself. Had to check five times. The match is from 68 years ago, Nikki. 1945!”
Dianne pulled out the file and handed it to Nikki.
“Is this a joke?” She opened the folder and froze. She completely stopped breathing. It was a black and white photo. It was him. It was Alex. In every way. Not just the tattoo. The hair, the face, everything. It looked just like him.
“What the hell?”
“What the hell indeed!” Dianne stood there smiling. “So you saw a ghost? Read on; he died. He died in the line of duty. Surprising they still kept all those old records. Someone has a boring job of scanning them all in. It was 1920 when fire and rescue split off into ESU; he was part of the 1945 squad. This file hadn’t gone in the computer yet, it was rotting away in some box.”
The world felt like it was spinning again. Nikki turned the pages of the file. Honors. Medals. He was one of the best. Top of his squad. Died helping a jumper, a bridge rescue. They never found his body. He fell into the water and the jumper lived.
She looked at the picture again. It was surreal. His eyes. She had looked into those eyes, she was sure of it. But it was impossible. Even if he hadn’t died in the water, he would be dead from old age. The man she saw on the ledge couldn’t have been more than thirty years old.
Nikki focused in on the tattoo. “Do you have a magnifying glass?”
“I thought you might want one.” Dianne handed her one and smiled.
It was the same tattoo, it matched in every way. What was happening? Nikki loved mysteries. She felt a deep sadness surge through her. She realized she wouldn’t have the time to unravel this. She had maybe a month left, if that.
Dianne stood up and walked to the kitchen counter while Nikki was staring at the folder. She hadn’t even noticed.
“Nikki! I am your best friend! You didn’t come to me? You are doing drugs? Damn, girl! What is this, heroin?”
Nikki shook her head. “It’s not what you think. I was going to tell you, Dianne.”
“Are you crying?” She walked over and sat next to her.
“Dianne, my cat Zoey, you remember her, right?”
“Ya, sure, Zoey. Oh! No. Is she sick, she gonna die?”
“No, no. Dianne, can you take her? Can you take care of her for me?”
“What? You love Zoey, why? I mean, I don’t understand. Where is she anyway?”
“Hiding,” Nikki said. “She gets scared when people visit.”
Nikki paused as she stared at the floor, tears rolled down her cheeks. “Dianne. I’m dying.”
“You’re what?” She looked stunned beyond reason.
“I don’t have long now, maybe a month or two—. That’s why Jake left me, Dianne. I haven’t told anyone else. Well, I told this guy. She pointed to the photo of the mystery man.”
“No way! Nikki, why didn’t you tell me before?” She started to cry, then sob.
“Wait! Jake left you when you needed him the most! I will kill that asshole!”
“No, no, Dianne, really, it doesn’t matter anymore. He is scum, I know that now; he isn’t worth wasting time on. Trust me, I wasted enough of mine on him already.”
“Listen, Dianne. I don’t want anyone else to know. You know how people get around ESU. Dianne, I’m not coming back.”
Dianne hugged her and the tears soaked her shirt.
“Of course I will take Zoey,” she said between sobs. “I will treat her like a queen.”
“Thank you, Dianne. I’m ready now. I’ve been in a lot of pain. It’s just my time, you know. I want to keep Zoey here with me for a week or so, then I will call you to pick her up.”
Dianne looked around again.
“You know what?”
“What?”
“You sleep. I want you to get a good rest for once. I am going to clean this place up. Make it look like new.”
“You would do that for me?”
“Of course! I’m not letting you die like this. Not here, not with this mess.” She was crying hard now.
“That would be nice. It really stinks in here.”
Dianne helped Nikki get to bed and tucked her in like she was her own child. She shut the door and got to work.
This really sucks, Nikki thought as she tried to sleep. Dying sucks.
• • •
Goodbye
Nikki felt a bit more energetic the next morning. Dianne had cleaned her apartment to perfection; it looked like new, just like she said. It gave her a burst of energy to wake up to that. She decided to make one last stop, one last thing on her to-do list before the end.
She had the cab drop her off at the medical center. There was a very short list of people she wanted to say goodbye to. Catherine was one of them. She had really cared about her, didn’t fake it like most of them did. All the tests. She was just a number to doctors, not to Catherine. She was going to make a great doctor someday.
Mostly bad memories went through her mind as she walked down the hallway. It was like a maze for a lab rat, that’s how she always felt walking in here. She knocked quietly on Catherine’s open door.
“Nikki!” She ran up and hugged her tightly. “Sit down! How are you?”
“Catherine. I came to say goodbye. It’s just that, well, you know. I don’t have much time left. I quit my job today.
Catherine had tears in her eyes.
“I just wanted to tell you, I wanted to say, you are one of the good ones. You will make such a good doctor.”
Catherine tried to wipe the tears away. “They tell me I am too emotional, as you can see.” She rubbed tears off. “I guess they are right.”
“Stupid jerks! It’s your emotions that make you the doctor you are. Don’t listen to them. They want you to be a robot. Catherine, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have made it this far. And something else.”
Catherine looked up at her.
“You made my final days here worth living. You know, with my boyfriend leaving me and all, I didn’t really have anyone else. Don’t listen to them, OK?”
She nodded.
“I guessed you were leaving when they came for your medical records.”
“What?”
“You know, you gave the OK to have your records transferred. I wasn’t here, but I looked at the forms, it was your signature.”
“Catherine, I didn’t sign any forms.”
She looked stunned.
“Who came for them?”
“I don’t know. It was— Hey, wait a minute. You know my boyfriend, well, that’s a long story, but he is security here remember. Come with me.”
They walked up the stairs and found their way to the security office. Clearly, Catherine had been here many times before. The room was full of monitors, a view of each hallway, all the rooms.
“Paul,” she tapped him on the back.
“Catherine!” He looked like a giddy school boy at the sight of her.
“Paul, we need some help. Someone came in here two days ago. They took Nikki’s medical records without her consent. Can you help us out?”
He looked around. He was the only one on shift today.
“Close the door and lock it. Sure, let’s take a look.”
“OK. Two days ago.”
He started to scan back. It was all computerized now, a lot easier to find the right footage. He scanned back to that week.
“Watch for Dr. Steven’s office. That’s where the paperwork needs to go.” Catherine softly touched his back as she talked to him.
“They watched 50 people go in and out of his office. Catherine recognized them all.”
“Stop! Stop, there!” Catherine said.
He hit pause and rolled back the video.
“Is that a woman? Her head is down.”
“Let me go back, I can find her in the entrance and hallways, now that I know the right date and time.” He rolled it back to the entrance. “There! She walked in, her head was to the side.”
Then the hallway, again head down.
“What bad luck! Every shot missed her face!”
“She knows,” they both said it at the same time.
“Knows?” Catherine was confused.
Paul spoke first. “She knows where the cameras are. It’s not bad luck.”
Nikki nodded her head. “She sure does.”
They scanned through all the footage. “Whoever she is, she is damn good. She knows where every camera is.”
“Nikki, you know I used to be security in Vegas Casinos.”
She nodded.
“Whoever she is, it’s someone with training. She had to know this place like a map; she must have studied it, or had inside information. You’re police, you must have noticed something else. She isn’t nervous at all, perfectly calm. I have only seen that with professionals.”
“Yep.” Nikki knew that all too well. “Well, at least we tried. And we know it was a woman, that’s a lead.”
“Hey, Nikki, I’m sorry, about you know, everything. Catherine talks about you a lot.”
“Thanks, Paul.” She thought for a second. “Catherine, can I talk to Paul alone for a second.”
Paul looked nervous as hell; he started to sweat.
“OK, sure, I mean if you want. I will be outside.”
She slowly shut the door.
“Catherine loves you, Paul. And you love her?”
“Yes— I do, I proposed to her, Nikki. She said— well, she needed some time.”
“You got into some serious shit in Vegas, are you getting help?”
“I am, Nikki. I go two times a week, for the gambling addiction. It ruined me, it almost killed me; I won’t go back to that life. But I think it’s too late, for Catherine I mean, it’s too late. And I don’t blame her. That’s why I told her everything. I won’t lie to her, she had to know I am a mess -up.”
“You’re not a mess-up, Paul. You are a good man. Trust me, I’ve seen the bad ones. You’re human. You made a mistake, and now you are trying to fix it. I am going to have some girl talk with Catherine now.”
“You would do that for me?” He was totally shocked.
“Yep. A guy like you deserves a second chance.”
She walked outside and could tell Catherine was incredibly curious.
“He proposed?” Nikki asked Catherine.
She started to cry. “Yes, Nikki. I love him, but you know, he got into trouble— I just don’t know what to do...”
“Say yes.”
“What? You mean it?”
“Tell him yes! He is a good man, Catherine. Trust me.”
She hugged Nikki again and soaked her with tears.
Well! What are you waiting for?
“Now?!”
“Yes now! Come on girl. You know you love him.”
The door closed behind Nikki. As she walked down the hall she could hear him yell out, “YES! SHE SAID YES!” She smiled. The doors closed behind her for the last time.
For last, she saved the most important stop. Her mother. Nikki never told anyone she was her foster mother; to her she was mom. She loved her more than anyone. At the worse time in her life, when her parents had died, Susan took her in. When none of her relatives wanted her, Susan was there.
Nikki stepped out in front of the hospital center. She started to cry when she walked in. She always did. Early onset Alzheimer’s is what the doctors called it. A horrible thing, worse she thought than even her condition. The past couple of months, Susan didn’t even recognize her. Nikki still visited every week. This would be the last time.
She walked into the elevator like she had so many times before; she had even memorized the sound of the buzzing lights. She saw Michelle, one of her favorite nurses, as she stepped out on her mother’s floor.
“Hi! How is she today?”
“Nikki, so good to see you. You always wanted me to be honest, I remember you saying.”
Nikki nodded.
“She is getting worse. I’m sorry, Nikki. She has trouble eating now. She cannot swallow. That happens sometimes near the end.” Michelle took her hand. “Do you want me to go with you?”
Nikki smiled. “I will be OK. I wanted to thank you. You always went the extra mile for all the patients here. I just—”
“It’s my job. And you don’t need to thank me.”
N
ikki slowly walked into her mother’s room. Paintings surrounded her. Susan had been an amazing artist. She was drawing something as Nikki walked in.
“Angelique! You came! I have been waiting for so long.”
“Mom— it’s me, Nikki.”
“Come close. They might be listening.” Nikki pulled up a chair and sat right next to her mother.
“You don’t need to send money anymore. All of Nikki’s school is already paid for. Just like you said she would be, she is at the top of her class. I promise you I will protect her. You know I love her so much. I even learned how to use the revolver you gave me.”
“It’s Nikki. Mom, who is Angelique?” Nikki started to shake. Her mother talked about guns like someone who had actually used one. No way her mother had even seen a real gun before.
“Oh— my God! Nikki, you are here. Why are you here?” Her eyes looked alive again. She looked like the mother she remembered. She was back.
“Mom! Yes, it’s me. You were talking about someone called Angelique. Do you remember?”
“No, I did? Oh, God, Nikki. Angelique, was she here?”
“No, it’s only me here. Who is she?”
“Someone very important, my dear. Nikki, how long have I been here?”
“You have been here almost 11 years.” Nikki looked down at the floor, so many years.
“You are 29! Oh God! I am so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You can’t help what happened to you. This terrible disease.”
“Nikki, you don’t understand.” Her mother started to look around the room. It was like she was having some type of panic attack.
“Mom! You are going to hurt yourself.”
“The picture! Nikki, the picture of you kicking the ball. Behind it, look behind it. Oh God, let it be there.”
Nikki slowly stood up and walked over. She picked up the frame and sat back down by her mother. She had never seen her mother this energetic in years. “Open the back! Just rip the cover off! Nikki, I found a letter many years ago and hid it; I meant to tell you everything, you were so little at the time, and then this— the sickness, what have I done... ”