“I don’t understand why we were kept out of the loop.”
“That is something you are going to have to ask Mason. I don’t know and I wondered that myself.”
“But not enough to say no.”
“No, it wasn’t a concern at the time and it really still isn’t. I think your manly pride is hurt. This is not about that. What it is about is getting help to these women and children in the quickest and safest way. It’s not about you, the man, defending the woman. It’s about the woman taking that step to get free of the pain and suffering. I truly don’t care who steps up to the plate to help and planned on saying so to Mason, when we got back.” I lay my head back against the seat and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out.
“Well I’m sure she and Chase are having a similar discussion right now.” Mike sighed and leaned his head back as well. “I need a vacation.”
“No, you need a break. You need to walk away from this business for awhile and figure out who Mike Taylor is.” I had no idea where this was coming from but I was on a roll and let my thoughts spill forth. “I have never seen anyone nearly salivate to get into a fight. You welcome it. I think you do it just to prove you’re alive because you’re too afraid to feel anything else.”
He sat there and looked at me, his lean face half in shadow. “You know, maybe that shrink has been helping you.”
“Well if he can help me, then I am damn sure he can help you. He cuts his teeth on the whole Superman complex.” I let out a breath. We were back on an even keel. “Since I have already delved into it this far, can I make a suggestion?”
“Oh sure,” he grumbled.
“Take a break. Soon. Not immediately. But talk to Dr. Bob and then take a break.”
“We’ll see.” I started to say something but he held his hand up. “We will see. Okay?”
“Okay.”
He turned the key and started the engine. “You still could have been hurt tonight.”
“Yeah, and you could get over it.”
He laughed and pulled out of the parking lot.
“Hungry?”
My stomach answered before I could. “Do pigs fly?”
“All the time, Laney. All the time.”
Later on that night, as I lay in bed, I thought back to how the evening had transpired. I felt good. I had a message from Mindy that everyone was safe and settled. I know it was just a drop in the bucket but it was something. A handhold, a rung up on the ladder that took me further from the dark hole that I had lived in for far too long.
The world was not perfect and it never would be but it could be good. Parts of it could be good and they could be safe. I had not found my safety net yet, but I now believed it was out there. I had one briefly when I lived with William. But I’d had far more time of unrest and fear than calm and security. I did not want to be sheltered but I did want to have the feeling of shelter and security to back me up.
What was accomplished tonight was a mere ripple in the pond. Now, how to add to it? A gleam of an idea was forming in my mind as I drifted off. For once in my life, I could look forward to something that wasn’t for me, but what I could give to another. I sat up in the bed; all thoughts of sleep dissipating.
I could take the money that I had inherited from William and do something with it to benefit New Directions. I knew I technically didn’t have it yet. But I would. I’d fight them tooth and nail to win what was rightfully mine. Then I could do something with it for other people out there like me, who had nowhere to start. Sometimes, that was all someone needed was — a start, one rung on the ladder. It didn’t all have to be cloak and dagger, hiding in the shadows. I know what New Directions was doing had its benefits but they could do more. I could do more. There was no doubt in my mind as I lay back down, that I would have my day I court and win.
Chapter Sixteen
I awoke the next day with a lightness of being, as it were. To tell the truth, I felt enlightened. I could almost see where people like Chase and Mason were coming from. Now, granted, I was still so far down the road of enlightenment that I needed a flashlight; but I knew now where the path lay. Silly me, it had been there all along.
I mentioned much of this to Dr. Bob at our next session. He applauded my new insight, but cautioned me in the grasping at something to immediately replace a void in my life. I had removed the fear but I did not need to rush right out and jump on the next bandwagon to fill the space. Much like the addict will grasp onto their help meetings as a lifesaver, I should not grasp onto New Directions as the sole focus of my drive. In all things, there is a balance and there was still a balance to be found with Sean.
“Why do you think you have trouble with commitment?” Dr. Bob asked, glasses perched on his nose, notebook in hand.
“I don’t. I just wanted to go slow. Take my time. I was happy with the way things were.” I got up and walked around the room. I wondered how often the Doc replaced his carpets for all the pacing people did. It was a wonder there wasn’t a track worn into his carpet just from me.
“I had a commitment with William.” So there!
“Did you?”
“Well, yeah. I mean we lived together for two years. That’s something isn’t it?”
“You told me that you started living together after what? Three dates? You said he didn’t go for romance. You never talked about the future. It was safe and easy. Right?”
“Yes. So what’s wrong with that?”
“Was it what you wanted, or was it what you accepted because you were afraid to rock the boat? Relationships like that are safe, in that no one asks anything of each other. No demands. No expectations. Is that truly a relationship?”
“It is, if that was what we wanted.”
Dr. Bob peered at me. “Only you can say if it was what you wanted.”
“It was then. I don’t know what I want now.”
“No?”
“I don’t know. I’m mad, that for all the talking that Sean did about loving me and him not going anywhere, it sure is funny that he isn’t here.”
“Has he said he doesn’t love you anymore?”
“No. But this is sure a funny way to show it.”
“And you not verbally committing to the relationship isn’t the same thing? Laney, I cannot speak for Sean but I would imagine he took this time away to give you the space you kept asking for. Maybe he needed the space as well. But what he needs isn’t the issue right now. The issue is, do you want to take your relationship to the next level with Sean?”
I starred at Dr. Bob for a few minutes. “Yes, I do.”
“Then you need to tell him that. You are going to have to lay it on the line for him.”
“I thought I already did that when I saved him.”
“Did you save him for him, or in some ways to make up for not saving William?”
“What? I had to do it.”
“But you didn’t ask for help to do it.”
“There was no time.” There had been time. I just chose not to see it. I rubbed my hands over my face. “There were several times during that night that I kept thinking about William and getting to him on time. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have gone after Sean anyway.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“I should have asked for help. I didn’t have to do it alone. Maybe I thought I did, but I really didn’t. But what do you mean, I have to lay it on the line for Sean?”
“The old saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ isn’t always true. I think you saving Sean was no different than what you would have done for anyone else who was in need. You are going to have to say how you feel. You have shown it but now you need to say it.”
I mulled this over for several days and had I picked up the phone several times that day to call Sean. But it didn’t feel right to just say it all o
ver the phone. I needed to get him to come home. Home to see his family and me. Work be damned, I needed him like I had never needed anyone in my life.
Laney Murphy needed. It was more than the need of a warm place at night. It was that all-encompassing need to share my day with someone, to experience the day-to-day give-and-take of life. On the night I had seen that stark naked love Chase had for Mason, I knew that I wanted it, and I wanted it with Sean. I went to my computer and sent him an email.
‘Please come home for Christmas. I need you. Laney.’
I prayed it was enough to call him home.
Christmas Eve was approaching and, as usual, Muldoon’s was planning a large family-and-friends Christmas Eve gathering. All of my father’s siblings were coming to meet me. Bless Tommy, he’d been patiently waiting for me to be ready to meet them all. Molly was in her element in the kitchen, and for once the usual arguing with Jacob had been replaced with them singing Christmas Carols. It was enough to make one never listen to Bing Crosby again, but no one had the heart to say anything. By the time Christmas Eve had arrived I was about to jump out of my skin. The day before I had taken the day off and gone to see Madame Elise. I did the whole nine yards from the inside out. I had nearly spent my whole paycheck between Madame Elise and the hair salon.
But on Christmas Eve I looked in the mirror and hoped it had been worth it. I’m not even sure I knew who it was that looked back at me in the mirror. The woman with the thick brown hair now that had subtle red highlights dancing through it. The woman who usually wore jeans now wore a dark green velvet dress that fit every shaped and lifted curve of her body. I hadn’t worn a dress since my mother’s funeral. But, as Madame Elise pointed out, I was a woman. Why not make sure everyone else remembered that too? I wondered how I had missed this woman when I had looked in the mirror before tonight.
When I came into the bar, I had the benefit of seeing several male chins drop to the floor. Okay, maybe I wasn’t the only one who had forgotten I was a woman. Tommy refused to let me tend bar in such finery, so I helped out where I could and watched both the clock and the front door. I tried not to, but every damn time that door opened I hoped it would be Sean.
“You’re standing under mistletoe,” Mike said from behind me.
“So I am.” I turned to face him.
“Then I guess someone should kiss you.”
I grabbed his collar and hauled him forward for a big, smacking kiss. “I guess someone did.” He hugged me. “God, you look gorgeous.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, who knew?”
Mike ran his hands down my arms, “I did. Sean had to take a later flight. He asked me to give you this.” He handed me a white rose with a card attached. “I’ll be home for Christmas, even if I have to beg Santa to give me a lift. I need you too. Sean.”
I sat down and read it again. Mike chuckled and wiped a tear from my face with the tip of his finger. “You are going to ruin all that hard work if you cry.”
I leaned across the table and kissed his cheek and headed up to my room to fix my make-up and take a breath. I stepped into my room and turned on the overhead light but the bulb flashed and burnt out. I had left the curtains open so I had the streetlights to illuminate some of my room. I closed the door and headed over to my bathroom when a cold hand fixed itself around my throat and a strong arm like steel pulled me back against a hard chest.
“Merry Christmas, Helena,” James whispered in my ear. My blood turned to ice as I felt the point of a knife graze my cheek. Its hard edge glittered in the streetlight. “I’ve missed you, darling. Did you miss me, sweetheart? You stopped answering my calls. I’m very disappointed in you, Helena.”
I tried to find my voice. But all that I heard in my head was the little girl that I had been, begging to be free. James trailed the edge of the knife slowly down my chest, his hand tightening on my throat.
“I was so happy you escaped the house in the woods. I really didn’t want to hurt you but there was evidence there that the authorities did not need to have. You understand, don’t you, princess? You understand sacrifice.”
He spun me around and shoved me hard against the wall. No one was going to hear the noise and he knew it. The noise down below in the bar was loud and now someone was playing a fiddle and was singing. They wouldn’t hear a thing.
The knifepoint came through the dress and poked into my ribs as the hand on my throat squeezed harder.
“What’s wrong, princess? You don’t have anything to say?”
I shook my head. Wasn’t hard to do. My whole body was shaking.
“That’s okay, Helena,” His mouth close to mine. “Once I get rid of Sean, then you and I will go off to someplace quiet and I’ll help you remember all the things we used to do. I am sure you haven’t forgotten them have you?”
Sean. No, he would not hurt Sean. “No.” I whispered.
“No? No, what? No you haven’t forgotten them?”
“No, you will not hurt Sean and you will not hurt me anymore.”
I shoved him backward, the knife’s edge grazing my stomach. I drew in a deep breath and quickly kicked my heels off, adjusting my balance.
“Come on, James. Let’s see how well you fight someone who can really fight back. I won’t be your plaything anymore.”
He looked shocked for a moment, as if it had not occurred to him, I would fight back.
“Well, well my little bog Irish scrapper, let’s see what you’re made of, shall we?”
He moved the knife quickly from hand to hand. I looked to the door hoping to get him to look away from me for a second but his gaze did not stray. I dropped into a stance and waited for him. I pushed the anger back and faced him with a calm I only hoped I really felt.
He feinted with his left hand toward me as the knife swept in from the right. I just barely managed to move away from the blade. I grabbed up a wool scarf off the back of the chair and wrapped it around my right forearm. It wasn’t much but it might offer some protection. I had to get the knife away from him. He kept up his fake attacks for a few minutes, testing me.
Finally I had enough and went on the offensive, attacking, blocking, and finally getting the knife out of his hand. James had one surprise up his sleeve for me. He was well trained in martial arts; my equal or better. Time lost its place in my head. The only thing that mattered was making sure he did not hurt anyone again.
I threw a kick to his face but he caught my leg and dropped me to the floor and fell on me, trying to pin me with his weight. His hands gripped my throat and I beat against him with my fists, arching my back as I tried to throw him off. I scratched, raked, and gouged but still his grip tightened. I raised my knee to his groin but he shifted and blocked it.
The look on his face was a combination of maniacal glee and lust. Both emotions were fueling his strength. I tried bucking him off me again, ramming my fists in his ribs. I felt something give way beneath my fist as it connected, but his resolve didn’t waver as his hands tightened further around my throat. My head started to fill with a gray mist as I fought to find some focus to stay alive.
My arms felt like lead as they fell to the floor, my hands grasping for anything to use to stop him. There. I touched the handle of the knife with my fingertips. But it was too late as my world slipped from gray to black.
I tried to say Sean’s name, but a warm feeling of contentment was seeping along my bones as a bright light came closer to me. What? No, not now! I know I screwed up, but I had been trying to do the right thing. No, I’m not ready to go! I’m not done yet! Hell, I had only just started. I heard what sounded like breaking glass, then nothing but oblivion.
Am I dead?
“No, not yet.”
I knew that voice. It was William. I was talking to William? We were standing on the bluff at Cowell’s Beach in Santa Cruz, looking out over the ocean. Cowell’s had b
een our favorite place to go and watch the surfers ride the crimson waves with the setting sun, when the lights of the boardwalk would cast their neon rainbow glow across the water.
So heaven was Santa Cruz. Cool. I could live with that.
William stood a few feet away from me, looking out on the surf. He appeared the same as if no time had passed. Same tall, lanky build, cropped blonde messy hair, and laughing blue eyes. “Hello, Laney,” he said, a trace of sadness touched his voice.
I stood there not quite knowing what to say. So many questions ran through my head at once, but all I could do was look at him. He had always been so damn handsome and cocky. He loved a good joke and had always laughed easily.
“Life’s too short to be blue,” is what he always said. We’d been together two years before he had died. We had never talked about getting married or having a family. It had been enough to be together. But now I knew those things were important. Damn it, I wasn’t going to get them now.
He turned to look at me, “It’s not your time yet, sweetheart. As much as I miss you and have longed to see you again, you have to go back.”
I stared out at the waves. “I do? I’m not dead?” Wow. This was good news.
William laughed. “You have no idea how happy that makes me feel to hear you say that. Watching you suffer over me was beyond bearable. Laney, you put me on a pedestal and I was not worthy of that. I am not, nor was I ever, a saint. If I had it to do it all again, I might not have gone in after those people.”
“Yes, you would have! You would, because I know the man that I fell in love with, and although you had a selfish streak in you a mile wide sometimes, you didn’t like people to hurt.”
He stared at me for a moment. “You’re right. I never could stand to see people hurting. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my family. I just didn’t see the point in letting that back in my life and into yours. I had left them and their money years before. I didn’t need it or want it. But I never meant to hurt you with it.” He looked out over the cliff and took a deep breath.
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