by Karen Deen
“More than I know what to do with yet. I have this overwhelming feeling she might be the one for me. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s just this strong feeling in my gut.” I sit back in my chair looking out the window.
“Then I don’t doubt she is, Grayson. When I met your mother, not another woman ever looked the same compared to her. She had laid her claim on my heart. From that moment on, my heart didn’t want anyone else, ever.” He went a little quiet as he talked about Mom, and my heart hurt for him.
“We all know how much you loved her, Dad. She did too. But she wouldn’t want you to be alone forever. You do know we would be happy for you if you found another woman to have in your life, don’t you?” As hard as that is to say, it is what Bella and I wish for him, happiness.
“I know, Gray, it’s just no one has ever been worthy of taking her place. I still look in the hope one day someone might. But so far, I still live with Maxine’s love holding my heart. When she’s ready, she’ll let go and give it to whoever she picks for me.”
It’s so hard to hear my dad talk like that, but it also brings warmth knowing how much my parents loved each other.
We talked for a few more minutes until he was called away and it was almost time for me to head down to the clinic.
At least I don’t have any worries about my dad accepting Tilly or being concerned that she’s dating her client. Now I just need her to meet Arabella, which could be a little more interesting. She complains that I’m overprotective, however in Bella’s eyes, no one is ever going to be good enough for her big brother. We have a very special bond that whoever we both meet will need to understand. You can’t go through what we did and not be as close as we are. I know Tilly is perfect, so Bella will see that too, I’m sure.
While my mind is floating on the happiness of the new woman in my life, I take that strength as I walk down to try to deliver the worst words someone wants to hear.
You have incurable cancer.
Fuck you, cancer!
Chapter Thirteen
GRAYSON
Today has been a tough one. They happen and you really need to take care of your mental health in a job like this so you can continue to be the best you can. Normally, I would run it off and then the body uses the endorphins to calm me again.
Tonight, it’s the last thing I’m thinking of. I want to see Tilly and wrap her in my arms. Let her be the energy to calm the soul. I didn’t even ask her plans for tonight this morning when we left her apartment. I was too busy getting that last kiss and last touch before I let her walk away from me. The rate I’m going, I’ll lose my tough guy image when people see me around her. She makes me so soft.
Walking out of the hospital, I push her name on my phone. I hope I’m not interrupting anything important or she’s still at work. Being after six, it’s still light and the air is warm. I can feel the sweat already starting under my shirt.
“Hello.” There it is. That voice I’ve been waiting for.
“Hi, beautiful. What no, ‘Hi handsome’ or ‘Hello there, big boy’?” I can’t help myself, I need to break my mood.
I hear her giggling on the other end of the phone. Music to my ears.
“Considering I’m at the park with Daisy, that may be a little awkward, but sure, you just pretend I said all of the above. What are you up to, are you still at work?” My heart is already beating faster and my plans are already formed.
“Just in the car now. Tell me what park you’re at and I’ll grab Memphis and meet you both there for a play date.” I hesitate a little. “That is, of course, if that’s okay? Sorry, I shouldn’t have just assumed.” I need to keep myself in check. As much as I want to storm into her life and plant myself right beside her, I’ll scare her off. Slowly, Grayson, that’s what I need to keep telling myself.
“You’re an idiot, of course I want to see you, but let me ask my date. Daisy, Gray wants to know, can he bring his dog to the park to play with us?” I hear a scream in the background getting closer to Tilly. I hear Daisy’s voice loud and clear down the phone.
“Yes, yes bring the puppy. But put your clothes on first.” Her little voice is so loud I’m guessing she is screaming into the phone. I chuckle to myself as Tilly obviously takes control of her phone again.
“Sorry, she just stole it from me. How’s your eardrum?”
“Lucky it was already connected in the car, but all of Chicago now knows that I need to wear clothes more often apparently, so there’s that. I’m guessing that was a yes to meeting up with you.” I’m already trying to get home as quick as possible.
“Looks like you passed the test. Maybe not you, but I think Memphis may have been your wingman with Daisy. She loves dogs but can’t have one. So be prepared to be smothered. Well, Memphis anyway. I hope he likes kids.” She sounds so happy and carefree. I forget what it’s like to feel that sometimes. Just to enjoy the simple things.
“Perfect. Daisy can cuddle Memphis, and I can cuddle you. Double date. Now where am I heading to? And you better be ready to be kissed within an inch of your life when I get there.”
“Grayson. Remember five-year-old girl, keep it G-rated.” I can’t help but laugh at that.
“Hey, that kid has seen me nearly naked in just a towel, kissing you is mild. Now, woman, give me your location before I lose my patience and hunt you down.”
“Calm down, big boy.”
“Ah, now that’s more like it. Continue.”
“Oh for god’s sake, will I ever get to have a normal serious conversation with you? Actually, forget that, I already know the answer. We’re down at Clarendon Park. There’s a dog-friendly beach here, Montrose Beach, we can take Memphis to if you want.”
Just hearing her already thinking about my dog makes me feel good.
“That sounds perfect. I know the one, I’ve taken him there before. I’ll be as quick as I can. The traffic isn’t too bad. I assume Daisy will have to be home soon, so I’ll hurry.”
“Gray, don’t rush. I want you here in one piece, please. It’s okay, we’ll wait. Message when you get here.”
“Will do. Looking forward to seeing you. I missed you today.”
“Me too,” I hear her quietly say, not much more than a whisper. Looks like we need to work on that confidence. I want her screaming to the rest of the world, I’m hers.
“See you soon.”
“Bye.” Her voice is gone and the music cuts back into the speakers, and my foot presses a little harder on the accelerator.
I look back at Memphis sitting up like royalty on the back seat. His dog seatbelt on and knowing he’s off to somewhere special because we’ve been in the car that little bit longer than normal.
“Are you ready to meet my girl? I think you’ll love her. She has a little playmate for you. Be nice to Daisy otherwise it could be a problem, okay? Best behavior.”
Plenty of people will look at me like I’m crazy talking to a dog. He knows what I’m saying. The love of a pet is without judgement. If you love them, they’ll show you their love back just as much. Usually in slobber with face licks, whether you want them or not.
We pull into the carpark, and I get him out on the leash. He knows to wait, but I can tell it’s almost killing him to sit patiently.
I can hear Daisy coming before I even see her. Yelling at Tilly to hurry up so she can pat the dog.
As they come into view, my body starts to let the tension of the day go. Part of me feels guilty because that patient from today doesn’t ever get to let go of that tension. I have to keep telling myself that to help them I need to keep looking after myself.
“Dr. Gray, Dr. Gray, we’re over here!” Daisy is calling out as she runs to me. She’s so cute she thinks I can’t see her. When she gets older, she’ll understand the magnetic pull your heart has when its other half is close by. You feel them just as much as see them, and your eyes will find them even in a sea of people.
I give her a wave, so she knows I see her. Tilly is smiling the biggest grin walkin
g behind her. I’m not sure of the connection between them all yet, but whatever it is, they’re like family even if they aren’t the same blood.
Memphis is pulling tighter on the lead to get to this little girl who is obviously making a beeline to him. I try to pull him in, but his legs are pushing hard to get to her. I don’t want him to overrun her or frighten her by jumping up.
“Memphis.” I use a stern voice which stops him in his tracks and allows Daisy to approach him first.
“Hi, Dr. Gray, can I pat him, what’s his name, does he like to play ball?” She’s almost jumping out of her skin.
“Hi, Daisy, just call me Gray. You sure can pat him. Just like this.” I kneel down so I have full control of him, not that I really need to worry, he’s being really gentle with her. “That’s it, he is loving that pat.” His tail wagging, Memphis is in heaven.
I stand up again, leaving Daisy to give him the attention while I take Tilly in my arms and kiss her. Not the way I want to, but I did promise to keep it G-rated.
“Hi, little one,” I whisper in her ear as I snuggle into the crook of her neck, just taking in her smell and the feeling of being home. She shivers a little and then pulls back.
“Are you okay?” she asks softly, looking concerned at me.
“I am now.” I take another kiss and then reluctantly release her from my grasp. “Long day at work.” The look on her face tells me she knows what I mean. It’s like it kicks her into action.
“Daisy, do you want to take Memphis over to the beach so we can throw the ball for him?” Tilly asks her.
Her little eyes light up and look up to me with a question she clearly wants to ask and isn’t quite sure of.
“Would you like to take his lead, and I will just hang on to the end bit?” I offer, knowing it’s what she wanted.
“Yes please, Gray, can I do it? Will he run?” she asks, a little worried.
“Not if he wants his dinner tonight. He will be good for you, I promise. Plus, I’ll help you too.” We start out towards the beach, Daisy and Memphis on one side of me and Tilly on my other side. I reach out, taking her hand in mine.
This feels so good and totally natural.
I should be freaking out about now, but strangely I’m not. I could get used to these kind of afternoon walks. Beats running kilometers to burn off my stress, any day, hands down.
After showing Daisy how to throw the ball for Memphis, she started doing it herself, and the two of them are having the best time. Lots of laughing, squealing in fun, tail wags and barking.
I pull Tilly down to sit on the sand with me, between my legs. Pulling her back against my chest and wrapping my arms around her. We just sit in silence watching, and it is so peaceful. I love that we don’t need to fill the air with words. Just being together is all we need.
“She’s pretty cute, isn’t she?” Tilly is watching Daisy like a hawk as she still runs around with Memphis.
“Yeah, she is. Full of life I’m sure, does she ever slow down?” I ask.
“Yes, when she falls asleep.” Tilly giggles to herself. “That’s why I try to help Hannah out with her. Trent is deployed, and she’s on her own without family around. It’s hard work. I’m like an adopted aunty in a way. I get just as much out of it as they do.” I knew there was a special bond between them.
“That sounds like you really love her like your own,” I comment, still watching Memphis to make sure he’s behaving.
“The way I’m going, she may be the only child I ever get in my life.” That makes me stiffen a little.
“Do you not want them or is there a reason you can’t have them?” My doctor brain is going flat-out trying to think back to when I examined her. Did I miss something?
“Yeah, silly, you need a man to make a baby. Geez, I thought even you would know that.” She turns her head to look up at me, a big smile on her face.
I can’t help but laugh.
“That’s easily solved. You can tick that one off the list. But do you want them, kids, I mean?” Her face starts to look a bit more serious now.
“I’ve always wanted children one day. I was just starting to think my time is running out. I was starting to think I might need to have a Plan B. I know that sounds silly, but I just don’t want to miss the boat. Who knows, maybe I can’t even have kids.” She turns back and looks out to the water. I let her have a minute and then I can’t wait any longer.
“What is your Plan B, Tilly.” I quietly speak while resting my chin on the top of her head, letting her know she doesn’t need to look at me.
“I haven’t done anything yet, but maybe to freeze my eggs just in case. Then that would also give me the option of IVF later if I still couldn’t find a man who wanted me.” Every calm muscle in my body is as hard as a rock. I stand up, dragging her up with me. Before she even has time to breathe, I’m on her. Kissing her like she needs this kiss to keep living. I’m probably too over the top, but I need her to know.
“Does that feel like a man who doesn’t want you? Fuck, Tilly, if I could I would give you practice at making babies right here, right now. Understand?” By this stage, I have her face in my hands and just want her to really see I mean everything I’m saying.
“When the time is right, I will happily give you ten kids if that’s what you want.” Before we get to finish the conversation, I feel a nudge in the back of the leg from Memphis. I look down to see him there, but no Daisy. I quickly look up to see her sitting on the sand quietly on her own. I move before I even think. Running down to where she sits, I crouch down in front of her.
I can hear Tilly following, but I didn’t wait.
“Daisy, are you hurt? Did Memphis hurt you, sweetie?” She has little tears running down her cheek.
Tilly came up next to her by now.
“Daisy,” she whispers, rubbing her back slowly.
“I miss my daddy. He kisses my mommy like that. My mommy misses my daddy too. I hear her crying sometimes at night when she talks to him.” I know she hardly knows me, but I can’t see a little child crying. My instinct just kicks in. I pick her up and stand up with her, giving her a tight cuddle while she cries into my shoulder. Just quietly I whisper in her ear that she’s okay. Tilly is looking at me and I can’t make out her thoughts.
“It’s time we get Daisy home, her mom will want her in the bath and then tucked up in bed ready for school tomorrow.” Tilly holds her hands out to take her, but Daisy won’t let go.
“I’ll carry her if you can put Memphis on his lead and walk back with him.” She smiles at me as we turn for the car.
By the time I drive us all back to the apartment, Daisy’s over her tears and too busy introducing Hannah to Memphis, her new friend. We let her have a little play and then tell her it’s time for her to go home. She isn’t happy with this but goes anyway. Hannah seems a little more relaxed around me this time.
“I’m just going to walk them over and have a little chat with Hannah for a minute.” Tilly gives me the little wink that confirms what I think. She wants to tell her about Daisy’s sad tears at the beach. I really feel for her.
“Just make yourself at home, and I’ll be back in a minute and we can talk.” She closes the door and I’m left with Memphis sitting at my feet wondering where he is.
“What do you think we’re going to talk about, boy? The crazy I pulled tonight talking about fathering her kids, or the fact I gave her an M-rated kiss on the beach instead of G-rated and it made Daisy cry? Either way, I think I’m in trouble. What do you think?” He just walks over and plonks down next to a little table and chair in the corner that’s obviously there for Daisy. I hate to tell these girls, but Memphis has obviously claimed them all, just like he claimed me all those years ago. Now he’s Team Daisy, and it looks like tonight I’m on my own to fight this battle.
“Thanks, traitor. You’re supposed to be on my team. Where’s the bro code? Mates before dates, huh?” He just looks up at me then puts his head back on the ground and that’s it. I sta
rt to laugh at him when I hear the door open behind me.
“Back again.” Tilly walks in and straight across and into my arms. Okay, maybe I’m not in too much trouble.
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah. Hannah said there have been a few tears lately. Since she started school, she finds it hard seeing the other kids with their dads. Just a learning curve. If they lived on base there would be other kids like her, but in her class, she’s the only one. Poor little munchkin. I guess tonight it was just another time it made her think of her dad. He’s due home in six weeks, so let’s hope that helps.”
I take a deep breath and just hold her a little tighter. I know I need to finish the conversation we were having at the beach, but I’m not sure if I should just let it go until she brings it up. There is no way she didn’t understand what I was saying. Maybe I should just leave it for now.
“Can I order us some dinner before I head home?”
Her head whips up. “You’re going home?” She looks disappointed.
Day made!
“I need to take Memphis home. I don’t have his food or bed.” I brush a little piece of hair off her face and tuck it behind her ear.
“Okay, I understand.” My super-confident Matilda looks like a sad little Tilly now.
“Let’s see if we can turn that frown upside down. Come home with me. Pack a bag and stay with me tonight. We can go now and pick up dinner on the way. What do you say, beautiful?” I slowly tilt her chin up so I can softly kiss her on the lips, trying to persuade her.
“Do you mind?” Oh my precious Tilly. Do I mind taking you home to my bed? What do you think?
“Of course I don’t. Let me see, hmmm, cold bed on my own. Lying there dreaming of you all night.” I hold my hands like scales. “Or sleeping with my beautiful girl with me all night and living my dream. Gee, I wonder which I should choose. It’s a tough one.”
“Don’t be cheeky.” I get the ever-increasing light smack on the chest for teasing her. They’re becoming more common. I must be doing something right.