by Caz Finlay
‘Yep.’ Stu perched on the arm of the sofa. ‘It’s going well. We’ve had no bother from anyone for a while. Business is good,’ he said as he lit himself a joint. He took a long drag before handing it to Paul. ‘Want some?’
‘No, thanks,’ Paul said.
Stu shrugged, but didn’t offer the joint to anyone else, which only annoyed Jake further. Not that he’d have taken it, but that wasn’t the point.
‘In fact, we could probably shift more, if you’ve got it?’ Stu said.
‘Sound. We’ll make sure there’s some extra in this week’s drop then?’ Connor said.
They made some small talk before Jake suggested it was time to leave. As they reached Stu’s garden gate, he shouted after them. ‘Paul. Have you got a minute?’
‘I’ll just be a sec,’ Paul said to Jake and Connor before walking back to Stu’s front door. Jake watched the two men chatting and laughing for a minute before Stu handed Paul a small package. Paul put it in his pocket and jogged back to the car with a smile on his face. He climbed into the back seat and Connor started the engine.
‘What was that about?’ Jake asked.
‘He gave me a bag of some of our finest quality weed. The lads have just harvested a fresh crop, so he thought we might want to sample the merchandise.’
‘Is that all?’
‘And he wanted to know if I fancied going to a party later.’
‘And do you?’ Jake said as he felt the anger bubbling beneath his skin.
‘Not that it’s any of your fucking business, Susan, but no, I don’t,’ Paul snapped.
‘Oh, will you two give it a fucking rest,’ Connor shouted at them before turning up the radio to such a volume that any further conversation was cut dead.
The atmosphere in the car on the journey back was tense, and in the time it took to reach The Blue Rooms the three men barely said a word to each other. It wasn’t until they were in the privacy of Jake’s office that Jake spoke.
‘Are you fucking around with Stu?’ he snapped at Paul.
‘What the hell?’ Paul replied.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ Connor mumbled.
‘I asked you if you’re fucking Stu?’ Jake shouted.
‘No, I’m not,’ Paul replied.
‘But you want to?’
‘Fuck off!’
‘Jesus Christ. Will you two get a fucking grip!’ Connor shouted. ‘I don’t have the sodding energy for this. Sort out your screwed-up love lives in your own time, and preferably out of my earshot. Because in case you hadn’t noticed, we are trying to run a business here.’
‘Don’t fucking tell me. It’s him.’ Paul pointed at Jake.
‘Me? You’re the one fucking one of our dealers.’
‘What did I just fucking say?’ Connor snarled. ‘Will you two pack it in? I’m going to get a drink. And when I come back in here can you two have sorted yourselves out? You pair of fucking tarts.’ He shook his head as he left the office.
Jake sat on the chair behind his desk and Paul opposite him. They sat in stony silence for a few minutes until Paul finally spoke.
‘There’s nothing going on between me and Stu, you know. He’s not even gay.’
Jake stared at him but didn’t respond.
‘I’ve known him for years, that’s all. I don’t see much of him but we have a laugh together. That’s all. I did bang his ma once though,’ he said with a grin.
‘His ma?’
‘Yep. I was only sixteen. But she was a right goer. My dad went mental at her when he found out,’ he said with a laugh.
‘You’re a fucking slag,’ Jake replied, smiling.
‘And proud of it. Anyway, as funny as it is to see you getting all jealous and hot under the collar about me and Stu, what’s going on with you? Between you and Connor, you’re a right pair of moody gits lately.’
‘Just the usual,’ Jake said with a sigh. ‘Siobhan’s been giving me grief about staying out late the other night. I can’t fucking stand living like this, mate. It’s fucking exhausting.’
‘Then leave her.’
‘Just like that?’
‘Yes! People get divorced all the fucking time, Jake. You’re in a mess of your own making. You know that as well as I do. And only you can get yourself out of it.’
Jake stared at him. ‘Everything’s just so fucking easy for you, isn’t it? Just leave her. You haven’t got a clue what it’s like to be married or have kids.’
Paul sighed. ‘I fucking give up with you, Jake. I don’t know what you want me to say then. If you’re not gonna leave her then fucking suck it up.’
Jake stared at him. Paul was right, but he wouldn’t admit it. Sooner or later though, something had to give. Living this double life was taking its toll on him in more ways than one. He was finding it increasingly difficult to keep Siobhan happy while also lying to her almost every day. He’d felt it more acutely since he’d started up with Paul again and knew that any happiness he found with Paul was coming at great cost to his wife and child, and this only exacerbated his feelings of guilt. But he couldn’t divorce Siobhan. He had an image to maintain. To the outside world he was a happy family man with a gorgeous wife and a beautiful daughter, and he couldn’t lose that. It offered him the perfect smokescreen for who he really was, and it gave him the perfect excuse to turn down the constant stream of women who threw themselves at him.
‘You coming to mine when we’re done here?’ Paul said to him, his voice softer now.
‘Yeah,’ Jake replied. Despite everything he’d just said, he couldn’t say no.
Chapter Sixteen
Paul walked into the living room of his flat, with Connor close behind him, and threw the bag of weed onto the coffee table before taking off his jacket and throwing it onto the armchair. Connor put down the large takeaway pizzas he was carrying, kicked off his shoes and sat on the sofa.
‘Beer?’ Paul asked him.
‘Yeah. Where are the Rizlas?’
Paul nodded towards his jacket. ‘In my pocket. If you’re building a joint, make sure you put enough of the good stuff in. It’s not like we haven’t got enough to go round, is it? Stu gave us a bag full.’
‘You fucking build one then, you ungrateful bastard,’ Connor said with a smile.
A few moments later, Paul returned to the living room with two bottles of Budweiser, placing them on the coffee table as he sat on the armchair opposite his brother.
‘So what were you and the arl fella talking about the other day then?’ Paul asked as he rolled himself a joint.
‘When?’ Connor replied with a frown as he tucked into a slice of meat feast pizza.
‘At Isla’s party?’
‘I can’t fucking remember. It was days ago, lad. Why?’
Paul shrugged. ‘Looked like you were getting all emotional sitting out there in the garden.’
‘Aww, feeling left out, were you, Bro?’ Connor said as he started to laugh.
‘Fuck off, you knob!’ Paul said as he picked up a slice of pizza from the open box in front of him and threw it at Connor.
Connor ducked and the pizza landed behind the sofa. ‘We were just talking about Isla being one. Him marrying Grace and becoming a grandad and all that shit.’ Connor shrugged.
‘Him being a grandad?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Did you happen to mention that you think he’d be Isla’s grandad even if he hadn’t married Grace?’
Connor stopped eating his pizza and glared at his brother. ‘You always tell me to shut up when I mention Isla. So why the fuck would you bring it up now when Jake will be here in a minute?’
‘I’m bringing it up because you’ve been walking around with a face like a slapped arse for the past few weeks, mate. And, other than that married bird you’ve been knocking off, I can’t think of anything else that might be bothering you. So, which is it? The bird or the fact you think you might be Isla’s dad?’
‘Just leave it alone, Paul.’
‘Did y
ou tell him?’
‘Tell who?’
‘Tell our dad what you fucking did?’ Paul snapped.
Connor nodded.
‘Oh, nice one, Con. You’ve proper landed him in the shit there,’ Paul said. Selfishly, his most pressing concern was that Jake was one step closer to finding out the truth, and the impact that would have on their relationship. Paul wasn’t sure if Jake would ever forgive him, and the thought of that made his chest physically hurt.
‘He knew something was wrong, Paul. What was I supposed to do?’ Connor replied.
‘Erm, you lie. Like us normal people do.’
‘I’ve never been able to keep stuff from him. You know that. It’s like he knows what we’re thinking or something.’
Paul shook his head as he lit the end of his joint. ‘What if he tells Grace, and she tells Jake? Do you have any idea what you’ve done? You’ve launched a hand grenade right into the middle of our family. You’re a fucking idiot, Bro. You need to let this Isla thing go. She’s Jake’s kid. Go and have some kids of your own to fuck up.’
After Paul took a long drag, he passed the joint to Connor. Taking it from him, Connor started to laugh. ‘You’ve got a fucking cheek calling me an idiot when you’re still fucking around with Jake.’
‘Yep, I know,’ he said as he blew out a long stream of smoke. ‘We’re a pair of lost causes, mate.’
‘Good job we’ve got each other then.’
A knock at the door put an abrupt end to their conversation. ‘That’ll be Jake,’ Paul said as he stood up.
‘Yeah, so no more deep and meaningful stuff, eh, you big fairy?’
Paul stuck two fingers up at him as he headed for the front door.
Chapter Seventeen
Paul stretched his arms above his head and yawned. Looking at the clock he saw it was only just after midnight, but weed always made him tired.
‘I am absolutely fucked, lads.’ He said to Connor and Jake, who were looking equally worse for wear on his couch.
‘Yeah. It’s been a long day.’ Connor nodded, sleepily. The copious amount of weed they’d all smoked that evening had made them more relaxed than usual.
‘I’m getting off,’ Connor said as he stood up and almost stumbled over.
Paul laughed. ‘You’re fucking wasted, Con. Good job you only live down the hall.’
‘I know,’ Connor giggled and soon the twins were doubled over with laughter, each of them almost unable to breathe.
Jake smiled at them but didn’t join in with the laughter. Weed usually made him feel thoughtful and melancholy, whereas it turned the twins into a pair of laughing clowns.
‘Right, I’m off. Night, lads,’ Connor said when he’d finally regained his senses.
‘Night, Bro,’ Paul said.
‘Night, mate,’ Jake added.
Once Connor had left, Paul and Jake sat in silence for a moment. Paul took a swig of beer and was about to turn off the television when Jake spoke.
‘I can’t do this any more, Paul,’ he said.
‘Do what, mate?’ Paul said with a frown. ‘Get stoned?’
‘Don’t be fucking soft,’ Jake snapped, seemingly annoyed that Paul couldn’t read his mind. ‘Do this. Live this double life. Keep seeing you and be married to Siobhan.’
‘So, what are you going to do then?’
‘I should leave her, shouldn’t I?’ Jake said.
Suddenly, Paul felt much more sober. ‘Well, only you can decide that, mate.’
‘I think I have to. I just can’t do it any more.’ Jake’s eyes filled with tears.
‘Fucking hell, Jake,’ Paul said as he shook his head. ‘Are you sure?’
‘One hundred per cent. I can’t keep lying to her, Paul. I can’t keep lying to myself. Most nights I dread going home. If it wasn’t for Isla, I wouldn’t. And then when I get home, Siobhan’s there waiting for me. Waiting for something that I can’t give her. It’s fucking exhausting. And it’s killing me.’
‘Well, I wasn’t expecting you to say that, mate,’ Paul said as he ran a hand through his hair.
‘I’m not expecting anything from you,’ Jake said defensively.
Paul stood up and crossed the room to sit next to Jake on the couch. ‘I never said you were, lad. But are you really sure you want to do this? Once you tell her, there’s no going back.’
Jake shrugged. ‘I don’t even know if I can. Maybe it’s the weed talking?’
‘Why don’t you sleep on it and decide what to do in the morning?’
‘Yeah. Sounds like a plan. I’ll go home in the morning when my head’s a bit clearer.’
‘Are you going to stay the night then?’ Paul asked.
‘Yeah.’
Paul didn’t say anything further, but instead took Jake’s hand and pulled him up from the couch before heading to the bedroom.
Jake opened the front door of his house and prayed that Siobhan and Isla were still asleep. It wasn’t quite seven o’clock, which was when they usually got up. He could sneak into the living room and pretend he’d slept on the couch.
Stepping into the house, he heard Isla’s laughter and groaned inwardly. He tiptoed down the hallway but it was too late: just as he reached the stairs, Isla and Siobhan came out of the kitchen, Siobhan carrying two bowls of cereal, and Isla her favourite teddy bear.
‘Jake!’ Siobhan said sharply, but not so much that it would startle Isla. ‘Where have you been?’
‘I had too much to drink and stayed at Paul’s, babe,’ he said sheepishly. Although he’d decided that he needed to leave Siobhan, he didn’t know when, or indeed if, he’d muster the courage to do it. He’d talked it over with Paul before he left and decided it was something that he’d have to build himself up for. He might give it a few weeks and see if he was ready to tell her. But not today.
‘Paul’s?’ Siobhan snapped at him.
‘Yeah. I slept on his couch,’ he found himself saying, adding to his statement unnecessarily. Because in his mind, as far as Siobhan was concerned, where else would he have slept?
‘Toons, Daddy,’ Isla squealed, interrupting them both, as she held her arms out for Jake to pick her up. He responded to her request, picking her up and cuddling her to him, relieved to have her between him and Siobhan’s icy stare.
‘Toons, Daddy!’ she said again, reminding him that she wanted to watch the cartoons.
‘Okay. Okay.’ He laughed as he gave her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Cartoons for my Isla,’ then he turned from Siobhan and walked away, chatting to Isla and making her giggle with delight, while Siobhan followed dutifully behind.
Chapter Eighteen
Siobhan was just getting out of the bath when she heard the vibration of her mobile phone on her dressing table. Wrapping a towel around herself, she walked into the bedroom to answer it. As she glanced at the screen she saw a number she didn’t recognise, but answered anyway in case it was Jake, who occasionally used a burner phone.
‘Hello?’ Siobhan said.
‘Siobhan! I’m so glad you’ve kept the same number,’ a familiar female voice replied.
‘Jenny? Is that you?’ Siobhan asked as a smile started to spread across her face. ‘It’s so lovely to hear from you.’
Jenny Lyon had been one of Siobhan’s best friends all through high school and college. After college she’d gone to New York to work in her uncle’s law firm. The two women had kept in touch for a while, then life had got in the way and they hadn’t spoken for over a year, since before Isla was born.
‘How is married life? How is your baby girl? I saw some photos of her on Instagram. She’s beautiful,’ Jenny said.
‘Married life is great,’ Siobhan lied. ‘And Isla is amazing. But tell me about you. Are you still living it up in New York?’
‘No, I’m home. I came back last week. New York was amazing, but I missed Liverpool too much. I’m a home bird at heart, I suppose, and I don’t think I’m cut out for being a paralegal if I’m honest.’
‘Oh, wow! I
can’t believe you’re back,’ Siobhan said as she sat down on the bed.
‘Well, I definitely am,’ Jenny said with a laugh. ‘And I’ve really missed you, Vaunie. I’m so sorry I was crap at keeping in touch, but the working hours over there were crazy.’
‘Don’t worry about it. I missed you too,’ she replied as she swallowed the lump in her throat.
‘How about meeting up soon then? It would be good to see Jake too, and meet that gorgeous daughter of yours.’
‘Yes, that would be lovely. Although Jake’s super busy. Maybe we could go out, just the two of us? Have some cocktails.’
‘Ooh, drinks and dancing. That sounds like a much better idea,’ Jenny giggled. ‘When and where?’
‘I’ll need to sort a babysitter, and check with Jake. But soon. Very soon.’
‘Sounds like a plan then. Oh, it’s so good to hear your voice, Vaunie,’ she replied. ‘Look, I’ll have to run, Mum and Dad are taking me out for a Chinese. But we’ll speak soon, okay? Let me know when you can get out. I’m footloose and fancy free so I can do any night.’
‘I will do. Bye, Jen.’
‘Bye, Vaunie.’
Siobhan placed her phone on the bedside table and smiled as a tear rolled down her cheek. Jenny had been a good friend to her over the years. They’d gone through all of their teenage dramas and heartbreaks together and had mended many a broken heart over a bottle of wine or vodka stolen from Jenny’s parents’ well-stocked kitchen. It was a shame that they’d drifted so far apart and hadn’t spoken for so long. Speaking to Jenny had reminded Siobhan that she wasn’t just Jake’s wife, or Isla’s mum. She was Vaunie too – a funny, kick-ass woman, who had once literally drunk the student union dry of tequila. She’d been hiding away for too long, letting go of good friends like Jenny. Trying to be the perfect wife, while her husband was decidedly imperfect. She thought about how much she’d changed in the recent years and how naïve she’d been to think that getting pregnant would change Jake and who he was. She had never wanted to accept that he was gay. There was a time he had been attracted to her too, and she had convinced herself that he must like both men and women. But she had made a huge mistake in pressuring him to marry her. Perhaps she should have told him the truth about her and Connor, and the possibility that Isla was Connor’s child? That was a thought that Siobhan never gave much headspace to, mostly because she tried to forget that she and Connor had ever happened. It had been a stupid, reckless mistake and one she never cared to repeat. She didn’t regret for a minute having Isla though, even though she did feel incredibly alone as a new mum. Well, now she knew she wasn’t alone. She had friends, and family, who loved her and saw her for who she really was.