I took a breath and headed out to the waiting area to tell Mr. Mason that we’d done all we could but we weren’t able to save her. The problem was, I knew something had gone wrong. I worried that it was me.
6
Mia
The word about Ms. Mason’s death spread through the hospital like wildfire. Everyone knew her and loved her. She was like the matriarch of the town. I couldn’t imagine what Nick was going through at having lost such a beloved woman. I anticipated that he'd feel some sense of guilt. What I hadn’t expected to see on him was confusion. As if he wasn’t sure if he was to blame or not. It was one thing to do all you could, and still feel bad that you lost a patient. It was another to question whether or not you failed.
He passed me and made his way to the waiting area. I didn’t envy him the job of telling the family about her passing.
“Nick,” I called out, remembering my role in the hospital as the lawyer. “Don’t give any details about her treatment. We’ll have an autopsy—”
His eyes went hard. “I won’t implicate the hospital for negligence, if that’s what you’re saying.”
It was what I was saying, and while it was harsh, it was my job to say it.
He walked out, leaving me alone until Dick walked in. “Tough time to lose a patient,” he said. “Especially one that is revered.”
It seemed to me all deaths were difficult, but I didn’t say that. “Yes.”
“Listen, I know it only just happened, but I’m hearing that it was a missed diagnosis. We need to know what went on. We could be sued for not diagnosing her sooner.”
This was my job, I reminded myself. “I’ll talk with Nick and the others attending her, and review the notes.”
“Good. Thank you.”
“You might consider calling in another doctor and letting Nick go home. After all this, he might not be in the right frame of mind to keep working.” I was sure Nick would hate my putting into question his professionalism. The truth was, if anyone could suck it up and work, it was probably him. But he’d looked so devastated. Why make him work through that? But I couldn’t recommend him going home just for him, so I had to frame it as a liability for him to stay.
“You’re right. I’ll do that now. Can you let him know he’s off for the rest of his shift?”
“Yes.” I went toward the waiting area and got there just in time to see Nick walking back towards the lounge. “Nick.”
He stopped and stared at me with dull eyes.
“Dick gave you the rest of the day off.”
I thought he might argue but instead he gave me a curt nod and then walked past me. I let him go and went back to work. I pulled up Ms. Mason’s notes, and everything looked okay. I could see where Nick had entered her symptoms and ordered tests. Nothing looked out of the ordinary on that end. But looking over the notes, I couldn’t help but worry about Nick. His parents were gone and Eli was an asshole to him. Who did he have to talk to? I tried to shake that feeling. Nick was a friendly guy. He likely had lots of friends he could turn to. Eventually, I decided I needed to be one of those friends.
I took off early, and drove to his house, getting the address from the hospital’s staff directory. I wasn’t surprised to find him living in a cozy cabin along the lake. It was exactly what he’d planned. Initially, he’d planned for me to join him, but I’d decided to follow my dreams too.
I parked next to his four wheel drive SUV and went to the front door.
I knocked, and a few minutes later he answered. He’d changed from his khakis and oxford shirt into jeans and t-shirt.
“Am I in trouble?” His eyes were hard as they looked at me.
“No. I’m just worried about you.”
He gave me a face. “I’ve made it this far, having lost patients before, without you. I think I’ll survive this time.”
I wanted to snap back at his attitude, but I knew he had to be hurting, so I held myself in check. “I can’t imagine it gets easier. And Ms. Mason isn’t just any patient, is she?”
“Fuck.” He turned and headed back into the house. Since he didn’t shut the door on me, I followed him in. He sat on the couch. On the coffee table were three bottles of beer, two of which were empty.
“Getting drunk?” I asked.
“Maybe.”
I went to sit next to him. “Want company while you do?”
He looked at me. “Not worried Eli will come by and haul you home?”
I glared at him. “Eli isn’t my keeper.”
He sighed. “Why are you here?”
“Because I know you must be hurting and I want to be here for you.”
“Dick didn’t send you to find out if I fucked up?”
“No.” That wasn’t a lie. Sure, Dick wanted me to look into what happened, but that’s not why I was there. “What can I do to help?” I took his hand in mine.
He looked down at where my hand held his. “Go back in time. Have the tests done quicker. Have Mrs. Pierce’s baby wait a few hours. Take your pick.”
Tests done quicker? I made a mental note to check on that, but I didn’t want to go over procedures with him right now.
I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Remember the first time you lost someone in your residency?”
“I remember everyone I’ve lost, Mia. I don’t need to go down that memory lane.”
I squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make it worse. I just remember how we tried to celebrate their life.”
“We had sex.”
“Eventually we did, yes. But we did more than that.”
He scoffed. “I remember wanting to not feel the tremendous strain of failing and losing a life, and using sex to escape it.” He turned his head, putting his face within inches of mine. “You going to help me escape it now?”
“Is that what you want?” In my brain, danger, danger screamed. Sex wasn’t the answer to Nick’s pain.
“To not feel like shit? Yes. To have sex? With you? Yes.”
I pressed my hand to his cheek. “That won’t fix—”
“I know that,” he snapped.
I removed my hand, but he took it and laid on his groin. “But what I’d do to fucking get lost in sensation instead of emotion for just a second.”
I want to say it was instinct that had my hand closing around his cock through his jeans. He sighed, like I’d given him a balm to soothe his tortured soul. What harm would it be to give him a respite from the pain and guilt?
I leaned toward him, pressing my lips against his. It had been four years since I’d kissed him. The feel of his mouth, firm and smooth, brought back a torrent of emotions and sensations.
He groaned. “Don’t tease me, Mia.”
“No teasing, Nick.” I straddled his thighs. “Clear your mind. Just feel.” I kissed him again, running my hands down his chest, which was harder and more defined than four years ago.
His hands slid under my blouse, and his kiss grew more insistent. “Make me forget, Mia. Make me fucking forget.”
The last time I had sex with Nick Foster was four years ago. It was slow, sweet … perfect. I’d been hopelessly in love with him.
Just after I had a delicious orgasm, my brother, Eli showed up by surprise. He wasn’t happy to discover my relationship with his best friend. No, he was pissed, feeling betrayed by Nick. That altercation caused the initial crack in Nick and my relationship. It didn’t take long for it to grow and tear us apart. The love that I thought would last forever was gone within forty-eight hours. Well, maybe not the love, but the relationship was over.
Now here I was, letting him touch me again. We weren’t in love now. Sure, the attraction was still strong, but that wasn’t love. He was in pain and wanted to get lost in someone. Would any woman have done? If that was true, I should have stopped. While I knew this wasn’t the beginning of a relationship, I didn’t want to be just a convenient fuck. And yet as he pulled my blouse off and dragged his tongue over the swells of my breasts, I knew I wouldn’t stop
him. The truth was, I wanted this too.
Four years ago, Nick was vocal during sex, but tonight he was quiet. His hands kneaded my breasts, his tongue taking turns lapping at one nipple and then the other. Soon, we were both naked on his couch and his thick cock was sheathed in a condom. The room was dark, but I could see him clearly. I could see the guilt and pain on his face even though that was what this encounter was supposed to help him escape.
I wondered again at the wisdom of having sex. Nick’s heart and mind needed soothing, but sex probably wasn’t the right balm. It had worked some four years ago because it wasn’t just sex. It was me loving him.
“Fuck me, Mia.” His words came out soft, almost like it was a thought, and not something he meant to say out loud. Once again, I found myself powerless to stop.
I’d tried to move on from Nick when we broke up four years ago. I was sure I was over him. But I couldn’t deny that I’d never met anyone who made me yearn the way he did. It was like my entire body remembered him and had come alive in anticipation of his touch.
I rubbed my pussy over his dick. I looked at him, but his head was down, resting against my breasts. His hands were on my hips as I lowered down over him.
He was thick and hot, and I realized my memory of him was lacking. He filled every bit inside me and it was spectacular. I gripped his shoulders, and began to move, up and down, in a slow long ride.
He groaned, his fingers kneading my hips. It seemed impossible, but he thickened inside me, the friction increasing with each delicious slide until I was bouncing on him, driving towards my orgasm. I teetered on the edge; release was just a thrust away. I was sure he was close too.
Then his hands squeezed, and held me as I dropped over him, his dick filling me. He kept me from moving, his breathing was harsh as he dropped his head between my breasts again.
I started to say something, but his grip loosened. I rocked and he groaned. Then I started to ride again. Quickly I was back up, riding him hard. My pussy throbbed as each slide of him pushed me closer to the edge again.
“Oh God, Nick.” My fingers dug into his shoulders as my climax rushed toward me. I sank down, knowing next time, pleasure would fill my body. His hands squeezed again, holding me in place, preventing me from taking that one last ride. I groaned in frustration. “Nick.”
His thumb slid between my thighs and rubbed over my clit. I tried to rise, but he held me there, so all I could do was rock over him.
My breath was harsh as I sought my pleasure. “Don’t stop, don’t stop,” I chanted, worried he’d tease me again. Fortunately, he didn’t stop. I tilted my pelvis, his dick hitting that one exquisite spot just as his thumb stroked over my clit. My orgasm roared through me reminding me how much better they were when they were given from someone else instead of alone by myself.
He growled against my chest, as my pussy convulsed in pleasure. Finally, I was done. I looked down on him, as I gulped in a breath. Why was he denying himself pleasure?
“What’s going on?” I asked. He wanted sex to help him forget someone under his care had died, and yet he wouldn’t let himself enjoy it.
He ignored my question as he also took in a couple of deep breaths, and then encouraged me to move over him again. He was hard as a rock and thicker and longer than I remembered. I rode him again, watching him as I brought him up and up, only to have him stop me again when he was on the brink. His expression was pained. Was that what he was doing? Torturing himself? He was letting himself get to the edge of pleasure, but not taking that final leap. Was this how he liked sex now, or was he punishing himself?
I pressed my hands on his face. “What are you doing?”
His expression was lost and helpless. “This is wrong.”
“What the hell, Nick.” I started to pull away, feeling angry and humiliated.
“No. Not you, baby.” He held me to him, his hand moving to cup my cheek. “You’re not wrong. This is. It doesn’t seem right that I should be enjoying something so life affirming after what happened today.”
“Why? It seems like a good time to appreciate life after seeing how fleeting it can be.”
He closed his eyes. “I feel guilty.”
My heart broke for him.
“I don’t deserve this.”
This whole thing was wrong before it started, and clearly it had gone off the rails. “Then maybe I should go.” I started to move off of him again.
“Mia.” His hands held me to him. “Don’t go.”
“Then come.” I took his hands and held them so he couldn’t stop me, as I started to ride. Out of the gate, I bounced up and down fast and furious, not giving him time to think. He’s wanted only to feel, so that was what I was trying to make happen. For him to stop thinking and just feel.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck …” he chanted. I could feel my own pleasure start to build again.
I pressed his hands on my breasts, and fortunately he didn’t fight his instinct. He pinched my nipples, sending white hot lava rushing to my core.
“Fuck, I’m coming,” he growled as his body arched back and his hips jerked up.
I rode him harder, not wanting him to be able to stop himself. My pussy gripped him as it seized and pleasure shot through me.
He groaned again, and this time when his hands went to my hips, it was to help them rock over him and draw out his orgasm.
The minute he was done, I was off of him. “Don’t you ever use me to punish yourself again.”
7
Nick
I reached for Mia, feeling like a fucking idiot. “Mia, I’m sorry.” When I couldn’t coax her back on the couch, I stood and reached for her again. “I’m … I’m a fucking mess.”
That seemed to have worked as she stopped trying to get away from me. “Sex isn’t the answer, Nick. That shouldn’t have happened.”
She was probably right. The truth was, it worked. To have her hands on me again was like heaven. The minute my dick was inside her hot tight pussy, I felt like nothing in the world mattered except fucking her. But as I let pleasure take over, the guilt pushed back in. What the fuck was wrong with me that I was experiencing something so pleasurable after losing a patient?
An act designed to make me forget for a moment was turned into a mechanism to punish myself for losing my patient.
“You’re probably right, but don’t go … I need the distraction. Please.” I pulled her against me. At first, she stiffened, and I knew I needed to let her go. But then her body went pliant against mine. All those smooth soft curves melted into me, giving me warmth.
“The guilt is going to swallow me whole.” I didn’t know why I was saying all this. Yes, she and I had a relationship once, but now she was the hospital lawyer. It was her job to determine if I’d done something wrong. Confessing my guilt wasn’t wise.
“Nick.” Her arms went around me, and I sank into them.
“You’re so sweet and good … I fucking need that right now.” I steered back to the couch. My dick was hard again. I needed to be inside her, to feel a part of something and not like I was whirling off into an abyss.
She sat and pulled me over her. Thank fuck, she was with me on this. “Let go, Nick. I won’t go through you edging yourself as punishment again.”
“I want to get lost in you, Mia. I want to drown in you.” I ran my hands down her body, this time trying to pay attention. I wanted to reacquaint myself with her smooth skin and luscious curves. Her pussy was wet and I wanted to taste her there, the only thing I hadn’t done when we’d been together before.
She pulled me to her. “Take what you need.”
I realized I still had on the last condom. “I need another condom.” I pulled the last condom off, tying the end, and setting it on a napkin on the coffee table. I reached for my wallet that I’d tossed on the table when I’d gotten the last condom. I quickly covered my dick and then lay over her, lifting her thigh over my hip.
“Thank you for this,” I said, feeling a bit like an idiot and yet, who kn
ew what my mind would be like had she not shown up. Had she not given me a moment to forget.
She pulled my head down and kissed me. From the first time I kissed her years ago, until now, her lips were like a magic elixir. Tasting her always sent a shot of adrenaline coursing through my blood. It made me feel alive and potent. Like I was the fucking king of the world.
I had no illusion that we’d get back together or that this would ever happen again. It made me want to go slow and take my time. I wanted to savor and get lost in her until there was nothing but her.
I sucked on her nipples, tugging and blowing on them until they were tight peaks. She’d always liked it when I’d done that before, and this time seemed the same if her gasps and moans were any indication. I caressed her belly, loving the softness of her skin. I followed my hand with my lips, trailing kisses down, down until I reached her hip.
“I want to eat you, Mia. Will you let me?” Please God, I thought. Before, she’d always been too self-conscious.
“Nick.”
I looked up at her. “I want to taste you. For once in my life I want to know all of you.”
She had that look in her eyes again, a mixture of pity and sympathy. She gave a nod, even though I could tell she was still self-conscious. That probably meant no man had ever gone down on her. It would be crazy to think she hadn’t been with another man in the last few years, but it would have made me fucking jealous to learn she’d let another man have her sweet pussy.
I kissed her just below her belly button and then rubbed my nose in her bush, inhaling the exotic intoxicating scent of her. What was it about Mia that her scent permeated every cell of my body? It had always been like that. Since we’d broken up, I’d been with other women, but none of them felt like they were a part of me.
I dragged my tongue through her folds, loving the way her hips rose and she moaned.
“You taste divine,” I said, as I flicked at her clit, growing harder and rosier under my tongue. Then I sucked it into my mouth, pulling on it until she was writhing and her fingers were gripping my head. I stopped before her orgasm hit.
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 5