I headed to my bedroom and started to pack a bag, all the while grappling with whether or not I should call Mia and let her know. I saw on my caller ID that she’d called me. I even listened to the message. But I didn’t call back. There was a part of me that felt like I needed to make a clean break. Like a Band-Aid, I needed to simply rip away from her and start new.
And then there was Jim. I should probably call him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that either. I was sure he’d try to talk me into staying. Or maybe I was too much of a coward to say goodbye. Either way, it just felt easier, even if it was crueler to leave.
I was checking all the windows and doors to make sure they were locked when there was a knock on the door. I couldn’t imagine who it would be. The head injury Mia had would keep her in the hospital overnight at least.
I opened the door.
“Eli.” At first, I was surprised, and then pissed. I looked behind him. “You bring your pitchfork carrying friends since you failed to get who you really wanted?”
“I’m alone.” His voice was tense, like he didn’t want to be there.
“What do you want?”
“Mia is worried about you. She asked me to check on you.”
I quirked a brow. “Since when do you give a shit?”
His jaw ticked. “Can I come in?”
I wanted to slam the door in his face, but then I’d be the asshole. I opened it and walked into my living room. “What do you want?”
“Do you have a drink or something?”
Was he kidding? “My liquor is behind you.” He could help himself.
He pulled out a bottle of vodka from the cabinet. “You going somewhere?” He nodded toward my packed bag as he poured himself two fingers of the clear liquid.
“Yes.” I sat on the couch and watched him.
He downed the drink and poured another two fingers, then he sat in the recliner across from me. “Are you going to say goodbye to Mia and my father?”
I shook my head. “No.”
His eyes narrowed. “Sort of an asshole way to leave things.”
“I’d think you’d be glad to be rid of me. Why are you here anyway?”
He sipped his drink. “I didn’t send Lyle and his cronies down to the hospital. What happened wasn’t my fault.”
I rolled my eyes. “Nothing is ever your fault, Eli.”
He glared at me. “Mia getting hurt … yes, I said things about you to Lyle. We were drinking and saying shit like pissed off men do. But what he did … I never would condone that.”
“But you didn’t stop it either.”
“I didn’t know it was going to happen,” the pitch of his voice rising.
“Oh, come on, you had to have known they’d been hanging around the hospital for a long time.”
“Sure, but they were loitering, not storming the place.”
I shrugged. “Mia is the one you need to apologize to.”
“I did.”
“And why are you here?” I’d asked three times and I still wasn’t sure.
“Mia asked me to check on you. She’s worried.”
I held out my hands to the side. “I’m alive and well. I’m unemployed and about to take a trip. I’ve got the world at my feet.”
“You look like shit.”
I felt like shit.
He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs and swirling his drink. “Do you love my sister?”
“I did.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His eyes were piercing, and for the first time, I saw the man I’d known and been friends with once. A man who felt I betrayed him.
“Because I knew it would be weird for you … for us. You asked me to watch out for her and instead I was—”
“Fucking her.”
I gritted my teeth. “I loved her. I’d planned to spend my life with her. She left me.”
“What about now?”
“What about now?” I felt antsy, like all my neurons were wanting to fire but couldn’t. I didn’t want to have this conversation.
“Do you love her now?”
“What does it matter, Eli?”
“Peggy seems to think you do.”
“Peggy should mind her own business.” I dropped my head. Now I wished I a double vodka too.
“You were ready to throttle me because Mia got hurt.”
I looked up at him. “Yeah so?”
“So, I want to know if you’re in love with her.”
Yes, nearly escaped my lips, but if I was going to confess my feelings it would be to Mia, not Eli. “She’s got a career to protect. I’m like a grenade to her life.”
“I agree with that, but it doesn’t answer my question.”
“I’m not going to answer it, so maybe you can move on.”
He sat back. “Okay. Tell me about the day my mother died.”
Fuck, anything but that. Now I wished he was asking me about Mia again. “I told you—”
“Not her injuries. What she said to you.”
Jesus, maybe I should get another drink. “She asked if she was going to die. I told her we were going to do everything we could, but she knew, Eli. She knew she was going to die.”
His breath hitched.
“I wasn’t her doctor, but I encouraged her to have the surgery. In fact, her doctor agreed to keep her comfortable until you and Jim arrived, but I was the one that told her to have the surgery. So, you’re right, it’s my fault.”
His eyes narrowed, but more in curiosity than in anger. “What do you mean?”
“Had she not had the surgery, you and Jim would have been able to say goodbye.”
His jaw trembled. “You took that from us?”
I nodded. “Yes.” What else could I say?
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t handle losing her. She was going to die for sure without the surgery, but maybe, by some miracle, surgery would save her. My intentions were good, but little good that does you.”
He finished his drink, and I thought he might throw his glass or kick my ass. “What did she say?”
“She asked me to watch out for Jim—”
“So that’s why you spend time with him. Out of some duty to my mom.”
I knew what he was asking, and I thought he wanted it to be as callous as all that. “I like your father, Eli. I enjoy my time with him, so no, it’s not out of duty. She asked that I make up with you, which I tried to do. She also asked that I get back with Mia, but I’m sure that was just to encourage her to move home to be with you and Jim.”
“Because she didn’t think she’d move home just for us?” He sneered.
I hated how he turned everything into a negative, and at the same time, I could see why he might think that. “I think she wanted to stack the deck in favor of her returning and staying. I don’t know, Eli. I’m just telling you what she said.”
“I hate that you were the one with her.”
“I know, man. I don’t blame you.”
“You’ve taken everyone from me.”
“What?”
“Mia, my dad, my mom.”
“Don’t be an idiot.” Maybe I should have been more sensitive, but I was tired of his whining. “Mia and your dad love you. If things are tense, maybe you need to look at how you act around them. Stop whining so much. Grow your balls back. Jesus, you used to have them. What happened to them?”
He glared at me, and then it fell from his face.
“Why are you so pissed all the time. Is it really because of me?” I asked, genuinely curious.
He shook his head and looked down. “No. But you’re the reminder of what I could have had.”
I laughed, and he scowled. “Come on, Eli. My life is shit right now. You can’t want that.”
“You’ll come out of this lawsuit. You’re like a cat, always landing on your feet.”
“Maybe. But I don’t know if I’ll have the town’s respect anymore. There will always be whispers about Ms. Mason. And now your mother.
”
“So, you leaving for good?”
“Right now, I just need to get away from it all. Figure out what’s next.” I supposed Mia was a part of what I needed to figure out. I wanted her, there was no doubt. And maybe now that I wasn’t working at the hospital, I could have her. But what did I have to offer? I was an unemployed doctor in a small town of people who thought he was inept.
“What do you want me to tell Mia and my dad?” he asked.
I sat forward, liking that this conversation appeared to be coming to an end. I clasped my hands together. “I don’t know man. I care about them, I really do. I just need to get my shit together, you know?”
He stood. “I still think it’s an asshole thing to do.”
He wasn’t wrong. I rose from my chair and looked at him. There was an awkward silence between us. We didn’t seem to be enemies anymore, but neither were we friends again.
“Well, I’ve got to take off,” he finally said.
“Sure thing.”
I walked him out, feeling like I should do more to connect with him since I’d promised his mom I would. But I was too lost in my own needs to do so. When he left, I finished closing up the house, then I grabbed my bag, got in the car, and headed toward Reno. I’d spend the night there, and grab a flight to San Diego tomorrow.
As the last bits of the Goldrush Lake disappeared from my rearview mirror, I had a wave of relief and yet despair as well. I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t just leaving my past, but also the possibility of my future. I gripped the steering wheel to keep from turning around and focused my eyes on the road in front of me.
The next day, my parents met me at the airport in southern California, surprised at my abrupt visit, but happy to see me. As it turned out, they weren’t completely in the dark about my life either. My parents had several friends they stayed in touch with back in Goldrush Lake, including Jim.
“Why didn’t you tell us what was going on?” my mother asked as she served me a sandwich that afternoon.
I shrugged. “Too involved in the thick of it I guess.” And what son wants to tell his parents he’s being sued for malpractice?
“I don’t blame Lyle Mason for being upset, but harassing the hospital and causing a disturbance, that’s not right,” my father said, eating his sandwich.
“Sometimes I miss home, and the small-town closeness, but when I see what they’re doing to you, I’m reminded that small towns sometimes mean small minds.” My mother brought her sandwich and sat with us.
“So, what are you going to do now?” my father asked.
“Sleep, I hope. Then decide my next step.”
“Well, we have space for you, and there are plenty of medical places around here,” my mother said.
“I’m not sure anyone wants to hire someone that’s currently being sued.” I put my sandwich down, all of a sudden not feeling hungry.
“Maybe you need a retreat,” my mother said. “You look tired.”
“It’s been a long few weeks.” Was it weeks? Or was it days? It felt like a lifetime.
“Maybe some counseling,” she added.
I looked at her, surprised.
She gave me a sheepish smile. “Jim said he thought you could use it. He thinks you might have PTSD.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not that bad.”
“He’s not the only one who noticed, son,” my father said, wiping his mouth with a napkin.
“Maybe it’s not PTSD, but you could have anxiety or just need someone to talk to. While you were cleaning up for lunch, I found someone.” My mother took a piece of paper out of her pocket and slid it to me.
“I don’t need all this,” I said, feeling like a loser. I also couldn’t understand how telling a stranger about my life would make the crushing guilt and anxiety go away. It seemed like talking about it would make it come to life.
“Just one visit, Nick. Please.” My mother’s eyes shone with worry.
“Your mental health is nothing to take lightly,” my father said. “We don’t think less of you if you’re struggling, but we will be highly annoyed if you don’t do something about it.” My father put his hand on my back. It was both reassuring, but also insisting.
“Fine. I’ll go.”
“Good. Now, tell us about you and Mia. We heard she moved back home. Did you and she rekindle things?” my mother smiled hopefully.
I laughed. “People have a really odd fascination with me and Mia.”
“A mother always hopes her son will find a nice girl, settle down, and have babies. We might even move back to Goldrush Lake if there were grandchildren.”
I wiped the condensation off my ice tea glass. “I don’t know that I’ll be going back to Goldrush Lake.”
My mother’s smile faltered, but then rallied. She put her hand over mine. “You’ll find your path, Nick. Your dad and I are here for whatever you need.”
This was why I’d come to my parents. I was a grown man, but sometimes, even a grown man needed his base, his center, to help him get straight. A part of me wished I could have that with Mia, and at the same time, it knew it was too much to ask her to take me on when I was clearly not in a good place right now.
32
Mia
“What do you mean he left?”
Eli stood by my bedside. He’d come in early the next morning while I was getting yet another assessment by the nurse.
“He said he needed to take some time away to get his shit together.”
I frowned. “Did you have one of your tantrums and make him leave?”
His jaw tightened. “No. In fact, we talked a bit. You were right, Mia. He’s got no reason to stay. No job. A town that’s pissed.”
My heart split in two. Nick didn’t feel the desire to stay for me. I wasn’t a reason to remain in town.
“Will he be back?”
Eli frowned. “He didn’t know. Why are you crying?” He grabbed a tissue and handed it to me. I hadn’t realized I was crying until he said something.
“Just overly emotional, I guess.”
“Do you still love him?”
I wiped the tears, opting not to answer. Eli was the last person to discuss my feelings about Nick with.
“I hope he finds what he needs. I know it’s been hard for him.”
“Mia.” Eli took my hand, and I thought he was going to ask again, but instead he said, “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“For whatever my part is in your crying.”
I squeezed his hand. “I like it when you’re like this.”
“What? Nice?” He gave me a crooked smile.
“Yes. Not bitter and angry. Suspicious of the world.”
He looked down. “I know I’ve been an asshole. Not just about Nick but everything. I realized last night that he doesn’t have it so great after all.”
“Oh?” My heart clenched at the idea that Nick was in pain.
“He’s going through the wringer, for sure. He looked like hell. I think he feels he needs to go. Lyle’s mob ran him out of town.”
I nodded, wondering how a town that once lauded Nick could so easily turn on him. Now that he didn’t work here, we could be together if only he stayed. I could have been the one to hold him through the nightmares. To support him through the lawsuit. But I guess he didn’t see me like that, and that moved my sadness to anger. After everything, I didn’t mean enough for him to even say goodbye, much less be a friend. He couldn’t be bothered to return my call. Not even with a text. I guess that meant we were over. Then again, I suppose we never really started. We never got beyond admitting our being together was more than sex. That didn’t mean it was love, at least for him. For me, it was love. It had probably been love the first time I saw him again. But I hadn’t told him. Would it have made a difference if I had? Would he have stayed and faced all his challenges if he knew I’d be by his side?
“He’ll have to be back sometime,” Eli said. “He just took a small bag.”
I tried to smile. “Did it really bother you that much to learn Nick and I were together?”
“Yes. You’re my sister. He was my best friend. My friend shouldn’t know my sister like that.”
I nodded. “I guess that would be weird. He was good to me, Eli. I loved him.”
“He loved you too, at least that’s what he said. He wanted to spend his life with you.”
“What?” I frowned.
“He said he’d wanted to spend his life with you, but you broke it off when you went to L.A.”
I shook my head. “He never said that to me.”
“I guess he realized your dream was elsewhere. He did say mom wanted you two together, did he tell you?”
“Yes.” It was so strange that my parents liked the idea of me and Nick together.
“I got pissed that Dad and I wouldn’t be enough to bring you home. We were. You’re home now.”
“I think she just wanted all of us to be happy.”
“Are you happy, Mia?” His eyes showed sincerity in his question.
“I’m … not at the moment, but life is like that, isn’t it? Are you happy, Eli?”
“I don’t think so, but I want to be. I’ve been trying to figure out ways to kick ass with the shop.”
Glad to have a new topic, I asked. “What have you come up with?”
“The Internet.”
“Oh?” I quirked a brow.
“One is for reservations of equipment. I also thought we could make some Parker Sports Store logo wear with Goldrush Lake, skiing, bears, whatever, and sell it.”
“Like souvenirs?”
“Right. But we can sell them online too. I also was looking into costs for running a shuttle from the store to the ski slopes. When people rent skis, we could take them right to the slopes.”
I smiled. “You have been thinking about this. Have you talked to Dad?”
“Don’t think I can do it on my own?”
I pursed my lips. “I’m not doubting your ability, Eli. I’m saying having feedback, the input of more ideas, and support can be inspiring and motivating.”
“I haven’t yet, but I will. I’ll bring him by to visit you at lunch. Doc says he wants you here another day.”
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 20