I ground my palms into my eye sockets as humiliation filled me. I was a bad lay. I sat up and grabbed my clothes, dressing quickly. I didn’t want to be naked when he came out again. I’d play it cool. Did I thank him for fucking me or did I pretend like it didn’t happen? Maybe I should just leave now and not face him. God, maybe he was right. I didn’t know the ramifications. I didn’t know what I was asking.
He came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and a robe in his hand. He stopped when he saw I was dressed. “I brought you a robe, but—”
I tried to smile an act normal. But inside, I was dying of humiliation.
8
Dylan
I knew this would happen. My fucking dick did me wrong. I shouldn’t have touched Tessa, much less taken her virginity. But my dick overpowered my brain and I’d done just that. And now … fuck … now what? Sex didn’t always change a relationship. Even after my divorce, Veronica and I would occasionally fuck, and it didn’t change our feelings for each other. We never wanted to reconcile. I’d been with a few other women since my divorce, but those were hook-ups.
Tessa deserved more than a casual one-night stand. I heard what she said about not wanting anything more, but I also knew she didn’t really know what sex could do. Yes, it could be left to the physical, but the first time especially, sex was filled with emotion. As I came down from my orgasmic high, I saw in her eyes that she was already planning a second orgasm and as much as I wanted that, I couldn’t let it happen again.
When I exited the bathroom after my mental self-flagellation, I found her sitting on the couch fully dressed. Okay, so maybe she didn’t want to go another round. She looked up at me and I couldn’t quite figure out what she was feeling, but it wasn’t good. It wasn’t that blissful expression I’d seen when she’d savored the sweetness of her orgasm.
I put away the robe that I’d brought for her. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes. Of course.” She stood. “Thank you.”
Fuck. She was acting like I’d changed a light bulb for her. Then again, maybe I should thank her, because that was the sweetest fuck I’d had in a long time. Maybe ever.
“Can I get you something to eat?” I should at least offer her dinner.
“Ah … no … that’s okay.” She started for the door.
I sighed. “Tessa.”
She stopped at the door and turned. “Yeah?”
“This was why I didn’t want to—”
She held her hand up to stop me. “Don’t. Please, don’t. This is humiliating enough for me as it is.”
Christ. Guilt cut me two. I searched my brain for what to say to ease her humiliation. “I’m sorry …”
“Don’t apologize either, Dylan.”
Jesus, her anguished tone was killing me.
“It was my first time, so I know I wasn’t good—”
“What? No, Tessa. Is that why you’re feeling humiliated?”
She bit her lip and I could see those tears coming again, as they had the first time that I tried to stop this train wreck from happening.
“I got what I wanted, we can just go on and pretend it didn’t happen,” she said.
“No. No, we can’t. Not if you think I didn’t like it. You fucking nearly blew my dick off.”
She jerked.
I moved to her but not close enough to touch her. I wanted her to know that I enjoyed it, but I didn’t want to give her the idea that it would happen again.
“Look … I think we can both agree that we shouldn’t do it again, but I’m not going to regret it.”
“You didn’t want it to happen.”
I seesawed my head. “I did and I didn’t. My body has wanted you for a long time. But up here,” I said pointing to my brain. “I knew it was a bad idea. Not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because sex complicates things. Because you’re a smart woman going out into the world, and I’m a single dad who can’t give you what you deserve.”
She nodded. “I understand.”
I didn’t think she did, but it was clear there was nothing I could say to make this awkwardness go away.
She opened the door, and as usual, I went to it to watch her as she made her way home. I longed to call her back and get her naked, only this time, in my bed where I could really show her how good it could be between a man and a woman. We’d done it once, my dick reasoned. Why not give it the whole weekend and then call it off? You’re a fucking asshole, I told my dick.
She didn’t look at me as she usually did before going into the house. Just as well, I sighed as I shut the door.
The house was quiet, immediately reminding me that Maisie wasn’t home. I was alone for the first time in a long time. See, she could have stayed, my dick said. Shut up!
I hid in my house, taking care of some repairs and upkeep that I hadn’t gotten to yet. I was eating a sandwich for dinner in the kitchen when I got a call from Veronica.
“Did you think we were going to keep her from calling you?” she said tersely.
“No.” I could only guess she found the phone I’d given Maisie.
“Then why give her a cell phone, Dylan? She’s five years old. She doesn’t need a phone.”
I sighed. I’d pissed off the two women in my life. I wondered if Maisie was mad at me too. “She’s never gone away with you, Veronica. She hasn’t seen you for nearly a year and now you’re taking her away from her home. I thought having a phone would ease her apprehension about it.”
“I’m her mother, Dylan. What does she have to be scared about?”
“She doesn’t know you, Veronica!” I pulled the phone away from my ear and swore. When I put it back up, I worked to bring my tone back to normal. “A year is a long time for a kid her age.”
“You think I’m a bad mother?”
I thought she was a selfish mother. She was attentive when she was around, but she wasn’t around a lot.
“You’re a good mother when you’re with her.”
“So, I’m supposed to throw away all my dreams?”
“Come on, Veronica. You’ve lived your dreams for the last few years. I’ve never stopped you. You wanted out, you got out. But if you think I’m going to say it’s okay that you’ve chosen money and fame and yourself over your child, you don’t know me at all. You’re a mother, for Christ's sake, and you can’t be bothered to see her but a few times a year. You fucking missed her birthday …” I stopped as I realized I was getting pissed again.
“I sent her—”
“It was three weeks late. And you didn’t call.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Look, I’m glad you’re back. I’m glad if you mean what you say and that you’re settling down and want to be more involved. But I’m not going to feel guilty about wanting to make my daughter feel more secure as I send her off with her mother, who she’s never spent time alone with without me around.”
“Why are you being such a dick?”
“You’re the one who called pissed off that I’d given her a way to talk to me.” I put my plate with my half-eaten sandwich in the sink.
“I’d have let her call you, which by the way she hasn’t asked to do. She’s having a perfectly lovely time.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it.” I pulled my scotch from the top cupboard over the fridge. If ever there was a night to get drunk, this was it. I poured a shot and downed it.
“Are you? I bet you’d be happy if I just left her to you forever.”
She was right. But I didn’t say that. What I wanted didn’t matter. What was best for Maisie was what was important. “I want Maisie to be happy. She wants a mother, Veronica. She talks about it more and more.”
She was quiet again. “I’m not a bad person, Dylan.” Her voice was quieter. The heat of the tone was gone.
“I never said you were. And giving her the phone wasn’t about you or thinking you’re a bad person. The phone was to ease Maisie’s mind … and mine, I suppose. This is hard for me, too. I’ve never been away
from her like this. Ever.” I hoped she’d have some sympathy for me.
“I guess that makes you a better person than me,” she snapped.
To be honest, yeah, I thought that. “This isn’t a contest. You did what you had to do and I did what I had to do. I like my life.” Mostly. “You wanted more than I could give. I’ve accepted that. I’m perfectly happy in my career and being Maisie’s father. That doesn’t make me better or worse. It is what it is. I only said that because I hoped you’d understand where I was coming from.” Okay, so that last comment was a passive aggressive dig, but Jesus, it would be nice for once if she could think of someone else.
“Well, you’re going to have to get used to it, because I plan to spend more time with her.”
“Good.” But my gut tightened at the idea of being away from Maisie. I was an asshole for thinking it, but I wished to God Veronica’d find being a mother as distasteful as she had three years ago and leave again.
“Is that my daddy?” I heard Maisie say in the background. My heart leapt to my throat and the need to hug my daughter nearly brought me to my knees.
“Yes, sweetie. Do you want to say hello?” Veronica asked her.
“Yes.”
“She just finished taking a bath and wants to talk to you.”
“Hi Daddy.”
I sank into a chair as her sweet voice filled my ears. “Hey, lazy Maisie. Are you having fun?”
“Yes. They don’t have a yard here, but the park is across the street. There is a zoo there. Papa Leo says we can go tomorrow.”
Papa? What the fuck? “That sounds like fun, baby. I can’t wait to hear all about it.”
“He said maybe we could get a dog too.”
My heart didn’t know whether to rip in two or hammer in rage. Were they just trying to be a normal family or were they trying to take my little girl from me? “Huh … listen, can you put your mom back on? I love you, baby. Have fun.”
“I love you daddy.” I heard a kiss.
“See, she’s fine.” Veronica huffed when she got back on the line.
“She’s allergic to dogs. Cats too.”
There was silence. Because I didn’t want her to think I was calling her out, I said. “She’d like a shrimp.”
“Are you making fun of me?”
“Swear to God, Veronica. She had a friend at school who had one and she wanted one too. Ask her about it.”
There was a long sigh. “I’ve got to go.”
“Okay.”
She hung up before I could say any more. I sat, not sure what to make of the conversation but in my gut, it didn’t sit well.
The next day, I kept my curtain closed when I woke. I didn’t want to see Tessa and be reminded of the fuck up I was. That didn’t stop my dick from remembering how tight she was, or how beautiful she was as her orgasm washed through her. But I didn’t indulge him. He got me into this mess, now he was going to go cold turkey. I’d risk blue balls because the guilt was a bitch.
To take my mind off missing Maisie and to avoid seeing Tessa, I decided to tour my gyms. They wouldn’t be expecting me, which would allow me to see how they were running. Fortunately, they were all running well.
When I got back to town, it was late afternoon. Not wanting to risk seeing Tessa, I stopped by the local sports bar for a late lunch. I knew the owner from college. We’d studied business together and maintained a friendship. He invited me to go to a club with him later that night. He had a woman he was trying to attract and wanted a wingman. I apologized, but declined. I wanted to be home in case Maisie called.
I arrived home right as Tessa and her roommate Corrine were exiting their house. My eyes nearly popped from head at the sight of Tessa. She wore a green dress that made her eyes shine, and her skin look soft and silky. It also left little to the imagination, accentuating her perfect tits, the curve of her hips, and sexy legs. Once I got over the surprise, I got pissed. Now that she lost her v-card she was going out to find another guy to fuck? I wanted to confront her and ask her if she’d just used me. But then I remembered I’d been the one to put a stop to any idea of further fucking. What an idiot, my dick said as I watched her get into her car. I wanted to kill whatever man was going to be able to touch her even as I knew it was my own damn fault.
To distract myself when I got inside my house, I decided to move the furniture. Maybe if the couch was in a different direction, I wouldn’t think about how sexy Tessa looked laying naked on it. It didn’t work. Thankfully, Maisie called on her mom’s phone and she told me all about the animals she saw with her mommy and Papa Leo. I tried to be upbeat, but inside my gut was roiling.
I headed to bed early, hoping to escape the torment in my life, but I had no luck there either. Turns out my dick controlled my sleep. Tessa showed up, naked and beautiful as usual. She sucked my dick and then let me finish by fucking her tits. I woke to a cum-filled mess. Good thing it was laundry day.
9
Tessa
I couldn’t get out of Dylan’s house fast enough. What had I been thinking that I should ask him to be my first? I’d thought I was a mature woman, but in truth, I’d been a silly girl. I accepted that he wouldn’t let love in his life again, or at least I thought I had. But as my heart broke with each step to my house, I realized that I’d hoped he’d change his mind. That he’d realize my feelings were sincere and want what I could offer. Idiot.
I entered the house, planning to make a b-line to my bedroom to cry.
“Hey,” Corrine said from the couch where she sat with a young man I hadn’t met. “You’re finally home. Matt and I have been waiting for you to settle a bet.”
I gathered strength to appear normal. “Oh?”
“Yeah, I told him that the woman who got out of the dark fancy sedan this afternoon was Veronica Tisdale, but he doesn’t believe me.”
“Why would Veronica Tisdale be here … next door?” Matt shook his head.
“Because her daughter lives there,” I said.
“See, I told you it was her.” Corrine gave him a light punch.
“She has a daughter?” Matt’s expression was incredulous.
“Yep.”
“I guess she’s taking Maisie for the weekend. Did you stay so long to soothe Dylan’s soul?” Corrine waggled her brows suggestively. I guess I did, but I wasn’t going to admit I gave myself to him only to have him get away from me as fast as possible.
“He owed me money.” I said.
“So what is she like?” Matt asked.
“Maisie?”
“No, Veronica.”
“She’s not your type,” Corrine said.
“She’s all right, I guess. She’s married again.” After I said it, I wondered if I shouldn’t have. Was it a secret? “I’m heading back to my room.”
“You okay?” Corrine asked.
“Yeah. Just tired. And I need to check in with my parents. I haven’t spoken to them this week.”
Corrine seemed to accept that. I just shut my door behind me when mortification at what I’d done with Dylan hit, and then I cried. Planting myself face first on my bed, I wept. I wanted to hate him or at least be mad, but it was my own fault. He’d told me he wasn’t interested in relationships. He tried to stop me from throwing myself at him. The only person I could be upset with was me. How would I face him again?
Eventually I fell asleep, but in my dreams, Dylan was there, looking so sexy but out of reach. I was a fool to think he’d be interested in me.
I woke feeling completely drained. The house was quiet as it was still early. I headed to the kitchen to make coffee, glancing out the window as I filled the carafe with water. Dylan’s curtain was closed. He normally had it open by this time. Was he sleeping in now that Maisie was away? Did he know that I liked to look over to catch a glimpse of him and wanted to make sure I couldn’t? Humiliation flooded me again.
I finished making coffee and sat staring off into space as I tried to figure out what I’d do over the weekend and how I’d ever face
Dylan again.
“You’re up early,” Corrine said entering the kitchen.
“So are you.”
“Matt’s gotta get going, so …” She gave me a sheepish smile as she went to get coffee.
“So, you and Matt?” I said, trying to be happy that at least one person had a love life.
“Maybe. So far so good, anyway.” She sat at the table with me. “He’s showering and then heading out.”
“Where’s Allison?”
“She went home. Her grandma is sick or something. You want to do something today?”
“Sure.” Anything to take my mind off my disastrous evening with Dylan.
After coffee, I showered and dressed. Corrine and I decided to go to the mall to shop. Since we were planning to go out that night, we wanted to buy new outfits. It was money I shouldn’t spend, and yet since I probably wouldn’t be able to afford my last year of grad school, I decided to live it up a little. Retail therapy.
I found a dark green dress that was more revealing than I normally wore, but feeling like it was time to move on from Dylan, I decided to buy it.
“Ooh la la,” Corrine said when I exited the dressing room to show her. “You look hot, Tessa. The guys are going to be all over you.”
I swallowed the nerves at that idea. After all, that’s what I needed. It was time I stopped pining for Dylan and opened myself to the idea of meeting another guy.
We had a late lunch, and then headed home to get ready for the club that night. I worked to push Dylan out of my mind as I put on the sexy dress and did my hair and makeup. But it was no use. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I wondered if he’d like what he saw. Would he see a woman or a love-sick coed?
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 53