Heart of Hope: Books 1-4

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Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 65

by Williams, Ajme


  I was filled with such awe, and at the same time, sadness. I wished I’d invited my mom to come, because even with Dylan there, I felt so alone.

  “It’s beautiful,” I managed.

  “Would you like a picture?” the technician asked.

  “Yes, please.”

  “Can we have two?” Dylan asked.

  “Sure.”

  When the appointment was over, I didn’t want to leave. I could have stayed watching my baby inside my womb all day.

  Dylan walked me outside, but neither of us said anything until we reached my car.

  “Where are you living?”

  “I’m at my parents’ right now. I’m looking at finding a job and a place to live locally.”

  He nodded. “Listen, I was thinking that maybe I could move Corrine and Allison to another property I own, and you can move in next door. It would be easier for me to help you and share custody.”

  I wanted to feel happy about this, and yet because it was so far short of what I’d wanted to hear, I couldn’t.

  “I don’t know if I can afford the rent on my own.”

  He gave me an irritated stare. “You don’t have to pay rent. This is my child, too. I’ll take care of all its needs.”

  “I’m not completely inept, Dylan.” Tears sprang to my eyes that he seemed to think I wouldn’t be able to care for my child.

  “I never said you were. But I don’t want you to be stressed.”

  I didn’t want to get in a fight on the sidewalk in front of the doctor’s office, so I gave the non-committal, “I’ll consider it.”

  “I’ll still pay for your schooling too. You held up your end of the arrangement, I will on my end too.”

  Gee thanks, I wanted to say. But then my mother’s advice came to me. Instead of focusing on my hurt or responding with snark, I said, “I want to say something to you Dylan. You don’t have to respond, I just want you to know the truth.”

  His eyes narrowed, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what I had to say.

  “I’m sorry about not telling you about the baby sooner. That was wrong. I was scared at how you might react because you said you didn’t want a real marriage or children. It doesn’t matter, though––I shouldn’t have waited.”

  He gave me a curt nod.

  “Part of my difficulty was that I loved you—”

  He opened his mouth like he was going to object.

  “––and I did. I know the marriage was supposed to be fake, and I tried really hard to remember that, but my heart seems to have a mind of its own. I just wanted you to know that. I want this baby to know that when it was created, it happened because I loved you.”

  His head jerked back slightly and his expression was a mixture of surprise and confusion.

  “Finally, I want you to know that I was on the pill. That wasn’t a lie. I didn’t trick or trap you. It’s important to me that you know that.”

  He didn’t say anything.

  “I’m glad everything turned out well with Maisie. I really am, Dylan. You probably didn’t need my involvement and had you not asked, we wouldn’t be here. You probably would have preferred that, but while I’m in a bit of shellshock, I wouldn’t have changed anything, including this baby.” I put my hand on my belly.

  I opened my car door and got inside. I looked up at him, knowing that if I was going to say everything that was in my heart and I mind, I had one more thing to say. “I wished things had gone differently. I’d have liked to have been a real family with you.”

  28

  Dylan

  I watched Tessa drive off, feeling like I couldn’t breathe although I couldn’t decide why. She’d said she’d loved me before, but I dismissed it. Women often said things to get out of trouble. How many times had my mother said she’d loved me, and then pushed me aside when a new man showed interest? Even Veronica would resort to saying what I wanted to hear when things first started to go bad with us.

  But there was something different about the way Tessa said she loved me. There wasn’t a desperation to change my mind or feelings. She was raw and real, and her only goal was to speak her heart and mind. She wasn’t invested in the outcome. It didn’t matter if I believed her or forgave her. She said her piece and left.

  I walked to my car, feeling like I should be on top of the world. I retained custody of my daughter and I just saw my unborn child. I hadn’t been to a sonogram with Maisie. At the time, I was working hard to expand my business, and to be honest, the fact of a baby hadn’t seemed real until Veronica started to show. I’d regretted not being more a part of Veronica’s prenatal visits and I wasn’t going to pass it up this time.

  With all this good, why did I feel like shit? Of course, I knew why. The question was what to do about it. If I were to believe Tessa, she’d hid her feelings for me because I’d told her our marriage wasn’t real. I’d said I’d never love again. But that was wrong, because the truth was, I did love her. I probably loved her long before I even concocted our fake marriage scheme. The problem was, I was too chicken shit to follow through. As it turned out, Tessa was braver than me because she’d put it all out there.

  None of this I could worry about now, though, as I pulled into the driveway. Nothing changed the fact that Maisie was my main focus.

  “Daddy!”

  Her excitement at seeing me never waned. Whether I’d been a good guy or an asshole that day, it didn’t matter. She was always happy to see me.

  “Hey Maisie.” I picked her up. I paid Corrine and then after she left, I carried Maisie to the couch. “I need to talk to you.”

  “’Bout what?”

  “Well …” How did I tell my kid I knocked Tessa up? “Have you ever thought about having a little brother or sister?”

  “Yes. Are you and Tessa having a baby?”

  A memory of Maisie asking about a baby when we announced our marriage flashed in my brain.

  “Yes.”

  “Yay!” Maisie clapped her hands in excitement and then she frowned. “Does that mean Tessa is coming home?”

  Okay, this was where things got complicated. “She’s still with her parents. But do you want to see a picture of the baby? We got to see it and listen to the heartbeat today.”

  “Yes.” Her head bobbed up and down.

  I pulled the sonogram picture from my pocket.

  She frowned. “Where is it?”

  “This part here is the head,” I said pointing to gray image. “And here are arms and legs.”

  “Its head is so big.”

  I laughed. “Yes. That’s how they start out. You did, too.”

  She laid her head against my shoulder. “I wish Tessa was here.”

  “I do too, baby.” As I cradled her head, I realized what I’d just said. I wished Tessa was there. The truth was, she could be here if I had the guts to take the risk.

  She kept the baby from you, I reminded myself. Can you blame her? My heart said. You told her you couldn’t love her. You told her to keep out of your business. You told her you never planned to have more kids.

  I realized that it made total sense that she’d be afraid to tell me. That didn’t make it right, but it made sense.

  I’d have liked to have been a real family with you.

  I’d given up on having a family beyond Maisie, but Tessa had offered me a second chance that I used, abused, and then tossed away. And I’d be a fucking idiot if I didn’t at least try to get a third chance.

  “Maisie, what do you say we go get Tessa?”

  She sat up. “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  “Yay!”

  Twenty minutes later, I had her strapped in the car, my guitar in the trunk, and we were heading to Brooklyn. I had about two hours to figure out how to apologize and convince Tessa that we could be a real family, if she still wanted that. My initial thought was to serenade her. I used to hear her hum along as Maisie and I would sing during Maisie’s baths.

  We pulled up in front of a brick
attached home on a tree-lined street. My heart was beating a million miles a minute.

  “Daddy?” Maisie called from the back.

  “Yes, baby?”

  “Are we getting out?”

  I swallowed all the fear that threatened to have me turn the car around. There was only one female in my life who hadn’t broken my heart, and she was in the backseat, ready, willing, and able to let Tessa be a part of our family.

  “Yep.” I got out of the car and helped her to the curb. Then I got my guitar. “Shall we serenade her?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Sing her a song that tells her how much we love her?”

  “Yay!” Maisie jumped up and down, clapping her hands. “What do we sing, Daddy?”

  Good question. I scanned my head for apology songs. I thought of Nirvana’s All Apologies. I’d read once that it was about suicide, which wasn’t the best message. Besides, Maisie didn’t know that one, and if I was going to do this, I needed to include Maisie.

  Finally, I remembered Hello by Adele. That one was about apologizing years later, but it would do.

  “How about the Hello song by Adele.”

  She made a face. “I want to do the lovey song.”

  Love Song. That was a better choice. Maisie was turning out to be a great wingman. “Love Song it is.” I put my guitar strap over my shoulder, and dropped to one knee so I was at Maisie’s level. I started strumming.

  “She’s not here,” Maisie said putting her hand over the strings.

  “We sing to get her to come out.”

  “Really?” She laughed but shrugged, and appeared willing to go along with this game.

  I strummed again, and nodded to Maisie to start the first lines that talked about feeling home again.

  We were a few lines in when the door opened and Tessa’s mother peered out. She looked confused and then smirked.

  “Tessa, it’s for you.”

  She smiled, but waggled a finger at me like a warning to not fuck up with her daughter again. I wondered how much she knew about our marriage. Did she know about the baby?

  Those questions disappeared as Tessa appeared in the doorway.

  “There she is, Daddy, it worked,” Maisie said. “We’re s’narade you, Tessa.”

  Tessa bit her lip, like she wasn’t sure what to make of us. I kept playing and singing until the end, finishing with the words that I’d always love her.

  A tear ran down her cheek.

  When I finished I stood up. “Maisie and I are here to take you home. If you’ll have us … as your family.”

  She sniffed, but wasn’t rushing to us as I hoped she might. Why would she? I hadn’t groveled. I hadn’t even apologized.

  “I’m sorry, Tessa. I was an ass—” Remembering Maisie was with me, I stopped. “I was afraid and a jerk to a woman who did nothing but love me and my child.”

  “Come home with us, Tessa. Pahleeese?” Maisie clasped her hands over her heart in a begging gesture.

  “Yes, Tessa. Pahleese.”

  She walked down the steps, her gaze darting to either side of me. It was only then that I realized we had an audience of a few of her neighbors.

  When she reached us, Maisie wrapped her arms around her legs. “Stay with us.”

  Tessa smiled down on her, resting her hand on her head. She looked up at me. “Do you forgive me?”

  “Yes. I don’t like that you kept the baby from me, but I understand it. I know my part in it, and I’m going to do my damnedest to be open and honest with you so you don’t have to feel you need to keep things from me.”

  “You said you didn’t want—”

  “I was wrong. I did want a family; I was just afraid. Truthfully, until you, Tessa, I didn’t believe I could have it. Now I want to be a real family with you and me and Maisie and the baby.”

  “You have a baby in your tummy,” Maisie said. “I saw the picture.”

  Tessa looked down at her. “You did?”

  “I showed her her brother or sister,” I said, wishing she’d give me a solid yes or no. A yes, preferably. “So, will you come home with us?”

  She smiled at Maisie and then at me. “Yes.”

  Epilogue

  Tessa––One Year Later

  One year ago, I stood on the back deck and looked toward Dylan standing under a beautiful arbor and married him surrounded by my friends and family. Today, I stood in that same spot, seeing him look at me with emotion in his eyes as I walked toward him again. Friends and family looked on, but I didn’t see them. I only saw Dylan, holding our three-month-old son, Max, who Maisie named. Maisie stood next to Dylan, grinning and showing off her missing tooth.

  Last year I entered into a marriage. Today I created a real family.

  When Dylan and Maisie showed up on my parents’ doorstep last summer, I was afraid to hope that he’d come for me. Even with him serenading me in that sexy baritone voice, I worried I was dreaming. But then he said he forgave me. He told me he loved me and wanted to be a family and it was a dream come true.

  Life wasn’t perfect after that, but it was pretty darn close. We fell back into our routine, except that now it seemed even better. Everything was happier, brighter, more fulfilling.

  I put off school until after the baby. I’d be heading back to finish my last year this fall. Over the last year, all my time was focused on loving Dylan and the kids.

  On Maisie’s first supervised visit after the court hearing, we learned that Veronica kicked Leo out of the house. She’d been smart about the prenup, which let her keep the fancy apartment and receive a good alimony since Leo had been the one to cheat. The relationship between Dylan and Veronica was still strained, but they both did a good job of keeping that from Maisie.

  Maisie was a wonder during my pregnancy, and while she had a few jealous moments when Max came home, she was turning out to be a wonderful big sister.

  On Valentine’s Day, just a few days before Max was born, Dylan serenaded me again to the band Train’s song, Marry Me.

  “We’re already married,” I said, sighing at the lovely voice and words.

  “For real this time. I want to say the vows in front of God and our friends and family and mean them.”

  I started to cry, which I blamed partly on hormones, but mostly just because I was so overwhelmed with emotion.

  “Yes. I will always marry you, Dylan.”

  So here we were, joining our lives and hearts again, except this time it was for real. Because it was, Dylan insisted on making our own vows.

  “Before I met you, Tessa, I’d given up on the idea of love. I didn’t believe in it or trust it. Even when you came into my life and loved me, I couldn’t let myself accept it. But now I know that all my life I’d been waiting for you. All those times I’d hoped to find someone to love me unconditionally, to accept my imperfections and see the man I could be even though I couldn’t see it, that someone was you, Tessa. Thank you for making my dream come true.”

  There was an audible sigh from our guests. I wiped away a tear. He could be so wonderfully romantic. Now it was my turn to share what was in my heart.

  “The minute I met you, my heart and soul were yours, and all I wanted was to love you. Thank you for letting me love you, and for loving me back. Right here, right now, with you and Maisie and Max, and our family and friends, this is all I need. I want to spend every day letting you know how much I love you. How much you deserve to be loved. How much I love our family and how you love us.”

  This time when we kissed, it wasn’t for show; the groom kissing the bride. It was a man and a woman joining their lives into one.

  “I love you, Tessa.” Every time he said it, from that first day on the walkway of my parents’ home, it made my heart turn cartwheels.

  We had a little reception, but then we left Max with my parents and drove Maisie with us to Manhattan for a visit with her mother while we celebrated our marriage renewal. One good thing that came from our little family unit was that my parents to
ok on the role of grandparents for Maisie, and Veronica supported that. As a result, whenever Maisie was with her mother in New York City, they’d always arrange to get together.

  Like the first time, our honeymoon would be short, but that was mostly because I wasn’t ready to spend a week away from Max. Dylan had suggested a tropical honeymoon, but I wanted to go back to the hotel where we had our last one.

  “I want to redo that day, only this time do it right.”

  “Was it wrong the first time? Because I remember having a very orgasmic honeymoon,” Dylan joked.

  “It wasn’t wrong, but this time I want to be able to tell you that I love you when I suck your dick.”

  He was more than happy to oblige me. And this time, we did do it right. He carried me over the threshold, setting me down near the table with a bottle of champagne waiting. The couch was by the window, suggesting Dylan had called ahead to make arrangements.

  “You spoil me,” I said when he handed me the flute of champagne.

  “I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to ever question my love for you.”

  “I am happy.”

  “To happiness,” he said, raising his glass. I clinked mine with his and then drank my entire glass.

  His brow rose. “Thirsty?”

  I shook my head. “I want to show you something.” After my first wedding, the honeymoon was just for show. I hadn’t made plans to sleep with him, even though it had happened. This time, I came prepared. I reached back to unzip my dress, watching Dylan’s eyes darken as I pulled my arms from the sleeves and let the dress drop to the floor.

  “Holy fuck.” Immediately, his dick made an impression on the front of his pants.

  “Do you like it?” I looked down at the pretty lace push up bra with matching panties. But I knew that wasn’t what had him going. It was the garters and stockings.

  I was right last year when I said that men were a slave to their primal nature. But I’d learned that while a lot could make a man erect, not all sex was the same. Joining two bodies in an act of love went beyond nature into something deeper.

 

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