I put the plate in the microwave and then headed up the hall to Lanie’s room. She was sound asleep in her bed. I watched her for a moment, marveling at the miracle of her. When she was born, Terra and I were still living and loving intensely. Somehow, over the last few years, all that had fizzled away. But the love for my kids was fierce. It was what had me striving to work to give them every opportunity.
I bent over Lanie and kissed her on the forehead. “Goodnight baby.”
I left her room and went across the hall to Noah, my four-year-old son’s room. Inside, he was sleeping too, with Terra laying next to him. She was asleep as well. It was rare to see her relaxed, and so I took a moment to look upon her.
When I’d met Terra, I fell hard and fast almost immediately. It wasn’t just her beauty or her sexy body that had me, but her intelligence, wit, and humor. She was a strong woman with a drive to achieve like me. And boy did we achieve. At least in business. The marriage was struggling, but I was at a loss as to what to do about it. I could see she was unhappy.
I wondered why I found her so often laying with Noah. Was he having trouble going to sleep? Did he have nightmares? The fact that I didn’t know suggested I wasn’t being a very good father. Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was here because she didn’t want to be with me. It wasn’t just that she was unhappy, it was that she seemed to resent me. But what could I do about it?
I ate my dinner alone as usual, and then went to bed, also alone as usual. I lay with my arm under my head staring up at the ceiling. I’d achieved my dream. But I was finding it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. I didn’t understand how things had gone off track. Terra and I started the company together. It had been her dream too. So had marriage, the nice house, and the kids. We got what we wanted and were miserable.
I tried to remember the last time I’d seen her smile. Actually, that wasn’t too hard because she often smiled at the kids. But not with me. We didn’t fight a lot, but that was probably because we didn’t talk to each other a lot. I suppose much of that was my fault for working, but my work was what fulfilled our dreams.
When we did talk, it was mostly over logistics, like Noah’s soccer practice or Lanie’s gymnastics. It hadn’t always been like that. In the beginning, we talked about anything and everything. Hell, we’d talked during sex even. Dirty talk that had us both coming so hard. Now we didn’t have sex, and when we did, it was quick, quiet, and not very satisfactory. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attractive, because she was. Yes, she wasn’t as put together as she used to be and she carried more weight, but to be honest, I liked the curves. If she was into me, I think I’d have enjoyed really savoring her luscious body. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t enjoy sex anymore, and so to save us both from the discomfort, I’d relegated my sexual desire to the shower where I jerked off several times a week.
I sighed and rolled onto my side. Perhaps it was just time to accept that this was my life. I’d heard other men talking about their lives and knew that they too found the everydayness of married life lacking in excitement. Perhaps that was just how life was.
2
Terra
I woke to an elbow in my face. I looked at Noah, sleeping peacefully next to me. My little man was so serious and anxious, but when he slept, all that was gone. I gave his elbow a kiss and then slipped from bed. It was late and the house was quiet. I made my way to the kitchen to get some water. I knew Brayden had made it home tonight because his dinner plate was gone from the fridge. I suppose I should be grateful that he’d rinsed and put it in the dishwasher when he was done. So many other housewives that I knew complained about how their husbands never did anything around the house. Brayden would at least clear his dishes and always got his dirty clothes into the hamper.
I put my water glass in the dishwasher and then went to my bedroom. Brayden was asleep. I climbed into bed, turning my back to him to lay on my side. On the bedside table, I caught a glimpse of our wedding picture. I didn’t know the bride anymore. She was prettier, thinner, and happier than me with her dream life ahead of her. I was a frumpy housewife whose husband didn’t want to touch her, and to be honest, when he did touch me, I felt too self-conscious about my extra weight to enjoy it.
Perhaps it was time to move that picture. I’d set it there thinking it would remind me of all the hopes and dreams I’d had that day to push me to strive to have the happiness I’d felt back then. Now it just highlighted how drab and dreary my life had become. The only sunlight in my life now were my kids.
I’d been so sure that staying home to be a mom was the right choice for us. It was what I wanted and Brayden and I were financially able to afford it. Brayden supported my desire, although he’d put us on a budget. We had a nice home and lived well, but we certainly had more money than our outward appearances showed.
Now, I wondered if maybe our marriage only worked when we were a partner in business. We’d never had any problems while we worked side by side. Today, I felt detached from him and the business we built together. I didn’t feel like he was particularly attached to me and the kids either. Not that he didn’t love the kids. When he was around, he was a great dad. But during the week, he was hardly around when the kids were awake.
I pushed away the thought that I had other choices. I could go back to work now that the kids were in school, but if Brayden and I weren’t getting along at home, we didn’t need to bring that hostility into the business. I could also leave. I could be like fifty percent of all marriages and call it quits.
I closed my eyes, willing my worries away. This was the life I’d set out to have, and so I had to live it even though it wasn’t living up to my expectations.
The next morning, I had my normal routine. I was up before Brayden and in the kitchen making breakfast. He worked hard so that we could have all that we did, so I’d gotten into the habit of letting him sleep in on Saturdays.
I heard the shuffle of feet and turned to see Lanie wiping her eyes and holding her stuffed teddy bear.
“Hey baby.” I squatted down and held out my arms.
She came to me, giving me a hug. In moments like this, I felt guilty for complaining about my life. There was nothing better than quiet moments with my kids.
“What’s for breakfast,” she asked, resting her head on my shoulder.
“What would you like? Pancakes?”
“Yeah.” She lifted her head and smiled. She had a sweet yet mischievous twinkle in her blue eyes, so like her dad’s. “Can you make them into clowns?”
“I can try. Your dad is the expert at that.” I put her down.
“Is he here?”
I felt a sting in my heart that the kids saw him so rarely they didn’t even know when he was home. “He’s sleeping. How about I get the batter ready and then I’ll get him up.”
“Okay. Can I help?” Lanie put her bear on the kitchen table.
“You sure can.”
Noah made his way into the kitchen just as I was fishing an egg shell Lanie had broken out of the batter.
“Good morning sweetie. How’d you sleep?” I asked him.
“Good. Whatcha making?” He came to stand next to me.
“We’re going to ask daddy to make clown pancakes,” Lanie answered.
“Does that sound good?” I asked, picking him up so he could see our progress.
“Can we have bacon too?”
“Sure. Don’t forget you have a soccer game today,” I reminded him.
His expression fell. “Do I have to?”
“It’s fun,” I said, not knowing why because he clearly didn’t enjoy it. But Brayden was adamant that he needed to finish the season.
“He needs to learn to finish what he starts, even things that aren’t fun,” he’d said. “He should be grateful he can play soccer.”
“It’s four-year old soccer, Brayden,” I’d argued, but to avoid a fight, I acquiesced. It was hard to argue against Noah having opportunities that Brayden hadn’t.
“Wh
y don’t you two set the table and I’ll go get your dad up,” I said putting Noah down.
With the kids engaged in an activity I felt safe enough to leave them alone to do, I went back to our bedroom.
Brayden was out of bed, and I could hear the shower running. I opened the bathroom door to let him know the kids were eager for his clown pancakes. The glass enclosure of the shower was covered in water and steam, but I could still see him. He had one hand braced on the tiled wall and the other around his dick as he stroked it fast and hard.
I closed my eyes as hurt washed through me. He’d rather fuck his hand than me. I looked down at my faded yoga pants and a sweatshirt that I bought big enough to cover my ass. No wonder he was jerking off.
I waited until he let out a grunt as he came. He pressed both his hands on the tiles and ducked his head under the shower.
I rapped on the door to let him know I was there. “Kids want clown pancakes.”
“Be right there,” he said, with his head still under the spray. If he was embarrassed or concerned that I saw him wanking off, he didn’t show it.
Ten minutes later, he strolled into the kitchen wearing faded jeans and a long-sleeved Henley shirt. Both were as old and worn as my clothing, and yet, he looked like he stepped out of a men’s wear catalog.
“Daddy! Can you make clown pancakes?” Lanie rushed to him and he scooped her up.
“I can try.” He tickled her belly. He was absent a lot, but when he was here, he was present. At least for the kids. It was another thing I needed to be thankful for.
“How about you Noah, you want a clown pancake?” he asked, bending over to give Noah a kiss on the head.
“I don’t want to play soccer.”
Brayden glanced at me and I couldn’t decide if he was chastising me for wanting to be lenient or just wondering if I’d already talked to Noah about it. He turned his attention back to Noah.
“Season is nearly over. Who knows, maybe today you’ll make a goal.”
Noah frowned, but didn’t say anything more. I understood. Sometimes it was just easier not to fight.
Brayden made the pancakes and we all sat at the table.
“So, what did you learn this week in school?” he asked the kids as I put bacon on Noah’s plate.
“I can count to fifty, daddy,” Lanie said, beaming with pride.
“Can you really?” Brayden smiled, pride on his face as well. “Pretty soon you’ll count to a hundred, I bet.”
Lanie started counting and we all waited patiently as she worked her way through the numbers. She missed a few and did some out of order, but we all clapped when she hit fifty.
“How about you, Noah? What’s going on four-year old pre-kindergarten?” Brayden asked sipping his coffee.
Noah shrugged.
“Ah come on.”
“Noah made a lovely art project,” I said with a nod to the wall where I posted much of the kids’ schoolwork.
Brayden looked at the collage of colors and textures from a variety of objects including buttons and feathers.
“Gorgeous,” Brayden said, reaching over to mess Noah’s hair. “You’re a real Picasso.”
Noah frowned. “What’s that?”
“He’s a famous artist,” I said.
Brayden focused on the kids, and while I was glad that he was so involved in wanting to know about them, it didn’t escape me that he never once asked about my week. Then again, I didn’t ask about his.
When we finished, I gathered the plates.
“I can do that,” he said.
“Why don’t you get Noah ready for his soccer game,” I said. I’d rather he spent the time he had at home with the kids than doing chores.
Watching four-year olds play soccer was a lot like watching cats chase a toy. They hadn’t mastered the concept of positions. They all clustered around the ball, looking for a chance to kick it. All except Noah. He was on the sideline watching the game but not with much interest.
Eventually he came over to us. “I don’t want to play.” His blue eyes had tears and his little mouth quivered. It broke my heart.
Brayden’s jaw tensed. “You haven’t even tried, buddy.”
Noah shrugged.
I squatted down. “What would you rather do as an activity?” I asked.
Noah shrugged again.
“How about gymnastics,” Lanie said from atop Brayden’s shoulders. “It’s fun. You can jump and roll.”
“What about t-ball?” Brayden offered, which surprised me since he’d been so adamant that Noah had to finish the season.
Noah shook his head slightly, as his eyes glanced up at Brayden. I had a moment to wonder if Noah was afraid of disappointing his father.
“How about swimming or maybe karate,” I asked.
“Oh karate, that sounds fun. Can I do that?” Lanie asked.
“We’ll look into that,” Brayden said.
Of course, that meant I’d look into it. Brayden had good intentions at home, but no follow through.
“How about we go get some hamburgers, take them for a picnic, and talk about it,” Brayden said.
“Yay!” Lanie clapped her hands.
We went through the drive through to get food that we planned to eat on a picnic along Lake Washington.
“What do you want, Ter?” Brayden asked as we pulled up to the intercom to order.
“Just a coffee.” I was still full from breakfast, I told myself, although I knew it was the thought that he didn’t find me sexually attractive anymore that had me worried again about my weight.
“I want a cheeseburger and French fries, daddy,” Lanie called.
“Nuggets,” Noah added.
Brayden rolled his window down. “I’d like a number one meal, a cheeseburger and small fries, small nuggets and fries, and three colas.”
“Is that all?”
“That’s it.”
I turned my head to look out the window on my side of the car as I realized he didn’t order my coffee. We drove forward, paid for the food, and drove off without him realizing that I didn’t have the one thing I’d asked for. It was a metaphor, I decided. I was invisible to him.
3
Brayden – Sunday
I woke up to a small boy’s feet pressed into my back. I turned over to see Noah between Terra and me in bed. The first time I’d slept with Terra, I remembered thinking I could go the rest of my life waking up with her by my side. Now I struggled to remember the last time I’d held her, much less woke up with her in my arms. It was sad how something so beautiful was now lost.
I quietly rose from bed, putting on my robe and heading out to make coffee. I was pressing the button on the coffee maker when Terra entered the kitchen.
“Will you make me some too?”
“You can have the first cup,” I said, grabbing another coffee pod and cup from the cabinet.
“Will you remember?”
My gaze jerked to hers.
“You forgot to order my coffee yesterday,” she explained. Her expression was unreadable so I wasn’t sure if she was teasing me, hurt, or angry.
“I’m sorry,” I said, turning back to the coffee. I did feel bad, but my guilt also made me mad. Why didn’t she remind me when I was ordering? Was she testing me? Did she want me to fail?
When the coffee was done brewing, I handed her the cup. She took it, and sat at the table. I studied her for a minute, wondering where the woman I married had gone to? Hell, where had the man I’d been gone to?
“Why do you have to sleep with Noah? He should be able to go to bed and stay in his own bed without you.” I put another pod in the coffee maker and added my cup of water.
“He has trouble falling asleep.”
“So?”
She glared at me. “If you were home during bedtime, you’d see just how much trouble it is.”
I was home last night and all I saw was her take him to bed. Until I woke up this morning, I didn’t know she had come to our bed.
I was
about to get into it with her, when Lanie appeared in the doorway.
“Are you making clown pancakes again?”
“No clowns today. How about eggs?” I asked, taking my cup and sipping to get a jolt of the bitter brew.
Lanie’s nose scrunched up. “I don’t want eggs.”
Terra picked Lanie up and set her in her lap. “How about German pancakes. That’s a little of both right? Eggs and pancakes?”
“Can I have powdered sugar on mine?” Lanie asked.
Terra had an amused smile; one I never saw directed at me anymore. “Sugar for breakfast?”
“I like sugar.”
“Who doesn’t?” I quipped, sitting across from them. The table between us was like a metaphor for our marriage. We’re together but a solid barrier now separated us.
Terra stood, setting Lanie in the chair. “I’ll make breakfast.”
“What are you plans for today?” I asked.
“Lanie and I are going shopping with Emma and Nina today. It will give you a chance to spend time with Noah.”
I wondered if she was poking at me for not spending more time with him. I decide to ignore the barb and pulled out my phone to check the weather. If it was nice, we could go to the locks and see the boats. Maybe even the salmon were still migrating, although it was getting a little late in the year for that.
“Mommy can I help with the eggs?” Lanie jumped down from her chair.
“Bring the stool over.”
I watched at Lanie pushed the stool and then climbed up and stood next to her mother.
“Mommy?” Noah walked into the kitchen.
Terra turned. “Morning baby, how’d you sleep?”
“Hey big guy,” I said, holding out my hands for him to come sit with me.
He went to Terra who picked him up. I watched as Terra and the kids worked on breakfast, ignoring me. Maybe not ignoring, but clearly, they were used to me not being there. I wasn’t a part of them. It was irrational, but I directed my anger at Terra. For whatever reason, she was unhappy with me, and it was getting in the way of my bonding with the kids.
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 67