An older gentleman approached me. “Are you looking for the cancer support group?”
“Ah…yeah…” What the hell. I had the time and maybe it would help me become a better husband.
“I’m heading there now. I’ll show you the way. I’m Bob.” He held out his hand.
“Brayden,” I said shaking his hand.
“Come with me Brayden.”
The group was held back up on the oncology floor. There was half a dozen or so people already there when Bob and I walked in. They were a mix of men and women, mostly older, with a couple of them looking around my age.
“Denise and Sam, this is Brayden,” Bob said leading me to two people setting up coffee and Danishes.
“These are our leaders,” Bob said to me.
I greeted the leaders.
“Welcome to the group,” Sam said. “Although I’m sorry you have a need for it.”
I nodded. “Thank you.” I’d never been to any sort of counseling before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. For a moment, I considered leaving. I didn’t want to have to confess all my failings at taking care of Terra to strangers. But Bob continued to introduce me to other members, so it felt rude to leave.
A few minutes later, more people had arrived and we were sitting in plastic chairs arranged in a circle. The group started with a quick round of introductions that included the reason we were there. Most of the other members were like me in that they had a spouse or significant other with cancer. Bob’s wife had died just over a year ago. One woman had a teenage son with cancer. I couldn’t imagine what I do if Lanie or Noah had cancer.
Members of the group all shared their challenges or victories of the week. One said her husband had a clean bill of health now six months out from his treatment. I wondered why she was still coming if her husband was cured, but then she shared how she felt like his cancer was hiding in him. She couldn’t let go of the fear that any minute he’d be incurable. Was that how I’d feel with Terra when her treatment was finished?
“This week would have been Sarah’s seventieth birthday,” Bob said. His face was relaxed but his eyes welled with tears.
“Was this the first birthday since she passed?” Denise asked.
He nodded. “The firsts are hard, but I’m not imagining the second or third will be much easier.”
Everyone nodded.
“I try to live my life because she’d want me to, but sometimes it’s like living without a heart. Like something is missing, you know?”
The man across from me shivered. “I don’t want to know. I don’t know how I’d be able to live like you do Bob. When I think about it, I can’t breathe.”
“How is Lisa?” Sam asked the man.
“She’s a trooper. I’m the one that’s a fucking—ah…sorry… a mess. But she’s just finishing her second round of chemo.”
“It’s funny how we’re supposed to be the strong ones, but I feel like Jerry is the one holding us all together,” another woman said. “I mean I try to be positive and stoic, but inside, I’m a mess too.”
I could relate to that. Terra was facing a disease that took her mother with grace and dignity and I was the one who couldn’t seem to handle it very well. I wanted to be strong for her, but she was the one plowing through.
“Sometimes focusing on the details of everyday life is what helps cancer patients deal. Having too much time to dwell on the illness can be debilitating. Having normalcy and something to do helps them cope,” Sam said.
Normalcy. That’s what Terra kept saying she wanted, especially for the kids. I’d need to remember that.
“It’s still amazing that she can be so strong,” the man said.
“What about you Brayden?” Denise asked me.
I jerked, not prepared to share. “Ah…my wife is the strongest person I know.”
“How are you coping with her cancer?” Sam asked.
“Not well.” I was surprised to admit it. “Well…I think I’m coping but I’m not being the husband I should be. Every day I let her down.” Fuck. I scraped my hands over my face.
I felt a hand on my back. “We all feel like that,” Joe said. “It maybe sexist but I think for men the feeling of being worthless is more acute because we’re supposed to take care of our wives and children. Not being able to fix things makes us feel inept.”
I appreciated his attempt to make me feel better, but I knew the truth. “No. I’m a terrible husband.”
“Are you cheating?”
My head snapped up to a woman across from me, who’s dark piercing eyes suggested she’d been cheated on.
“No. I love my wife.” I rubbed my hand over my chest that all of a sudden felt tight.
“So, what do you mean?” Bob asked.
Fuck I didn’t want to go into this. “I work a lot.”
“That’s the worst thing about this. You can’t stop working because you need the job for the insurance and to pay all the medical bills insurance doesn’t cover,” the man who’d spoken earlier said. “I hated when I couldn’t get off to help with her treatments.”
“That’s just it…” I swallowed as I prepared to have the group see me as the asshole I was. “I could get off.”
They didn’t look at me disapproving. No, they appeared more baffled.
“I own the business,” I clarified.
“That doesn’t mean you can just leave.” Bob patted my back again. “An unattended business goes out of business.”
I appreciated Bob’s attempt to make my behavior less bad.
“That’s what I’ve been telling myself, but it’s not true. Not in my case. I have people who can manage things.”
“So why don’t you?” the angry woman asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Habit? Fear?”
“Fear of what?” Denise asked in a gentle tone. Why she wasn’t calling me out on my bullshit, I didn’t know. What did the reason matter? The truth was, I should have been on time today?
I sat in my own self-loathing for a moment. “Losing it all, I guess. I’m not sure.”
“You’re more afraid of losing your business than you wife?” The angry woman asked with an edge of disapproval.
“No, but I can see how my actions seem to suggest that. That’s what my wife thinks and frankly, I can’t blame her.” I took a breath not enjoying all the feelings this confession was producing.
“So why not change?” Sam asked.
I had no good answer to that.
“Have you ever lost everything before?” Denise asked.
“I’ve had nothing before.” Less than nothing even.
Denise and Sam nodded as if my statement revealed something about me. I hoped they’d enlighten me.
“When was that?” Sam asked.
“Growing up.” God, I hoped that I didn’t have to go into that. This was supposed to help me do better for Terra, not re-live my difficult childhood.
“Can you tell us about that?” he prodded.
“I thought I was here to talk about my wife’s cancer,” I said not wanting to delve into my past.
“This is clearly related,” Sam said.
I looked around the room at all the others there. Surely one of them wanted a turn. But all stared at me as if they were waiting for my childhood sob story.
I sighed. “We were poor.”
“How poor?” The angry lady asked with a tone that suggested I was being a pussy.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Really poor.”
“Where you homeless?” she asked..
I looked her in the eyes. “Sometimes.”
She blinked, clearly not expecting that. “Where was your dad?”
I shrugged. “I don’t have one.”
“Everyone has a dad, even if it’s an absent one,” she quipped.
The truth was, I had no clue who he was. I’m not sure my mother did. I was curious about him as a kid, but as I got older, I decided I didn’t want to know. It was clear that I wasn’t planned, which meant I
was a mistake from the harsh realities of a young woman with no resources going through life alone. I figured I was either the result of her turning a trick or an assault. I didn’t know and I didn’t want to know.
“I never knew him. My mother never spoke of him.”
“You probably where hungry sometimes too,” Sam said.
I nodded, hating to have go back and remember how much my stomach would hurt but I wouldn’t tell my mother because I knew she was already feeling bad and stressed about our dire situation. I remembered being wet and cold as we foraged through the trash bins behind restaurants. My mother would try to make it fun asking what kind of food did we want tonight? Chinese? Mexican? I always preferred Chinese as it was better soggy and cold than other foods. I wonder what the angry woman would say if I revealed that tidbit.
“That must be an amazing story of how you went from homeless kid to owning your own business,” Bob said next to me.
“My mom always got me to school. She had to lie about where we lived sometimes, but I went. She hammered into me that education and hard work was the key to my escaping poverty. I believed her. She was right.”
“Where is she now?” Denise asked.
“She died when I was in college.” I never knew the circumstances of her death. I don’t think she took her own life, but I believed it was possible her will to live left. Since she didn’t have me to take care of, she didn’t have a reason to hang around.
I always regretted I never had the chance to make things better for her. My mother had a lot of challenges and faults, but I loved her. There was so much we didn’t have and she couldn’t give me, but who I was today--an educated man with money--was directly from her. She gave me the one lesson I needed; make your own destiny. But she also instilled a fear of the world. A fear of not having enough.
“How’d you pay for college?” the angry woman, now not so angry, asked.
“Loans. Scholarships. Work.” Why were we talking about this? How was all this going to help me do better by Terra?
“This is a bit out of our purview,” Sam started. “But I think maybe you should get some counseling to help you get a handle on your childhood as it’s clearly impacting your life now.”
I stared at him, clueless as to what he meant. I wasn’t a kid or poor now, so what the fuck was he talking about?
“Does your working a lot feel like a compulsion? Like you have to work?” Denise asked probably in response to my blank look at Sam’s suggestion that I get counseling.
“I feel like I need to stay on top of things. Businesses can fail.”
She nodded in that same way that suggested I’d just revealed another bit about myself. “It’s possible that your need to work is because you’re afraid of ending up homeless and poor again.”
Well, duh. “It could happen. My mom didn’t grow up poor. She was laid off and couldn’t ever get on her feet again.”
“Do you really think that could happen? Do you have savings? Skills? Does your wife?” Sam asked.
I did have savings and investments, but those weren’t one-hundred percent safe. The economy could tank. We’d lose a lot in a recession. Terra didn’t work, but she had skills and her father had money.
“I suppose there’s a back-up, but I don’t like relying on others for my security.”
Denise and Sam both nodded like I’d just validated their assessment. I wasn’t sure how wanting to avoid being broke and homeless again was a big surprise or a need for counseling.
“Brayden, I can see that you love your wife and want to make sure that you and your family are cared for, but let me ask you this; if your wife can’t beat this cancer and you lose her, will you regret having worked so much?” Bob asked. “Will you feel like you should have spent more time with her?”
“Yes.” I answered without hesitation, and in that moment, Sam and Denise’s insistence that my childhood could be hindering me made sense.
“Well, as far as I can tell, that’s your answer, and you didn’t need another therapist to get it,” Bob said with a friendly smile. “I can tell you from experience, if you love your family, you need to spend every moment you can with them. You need to love and cherish them. I’d do anything to look into my wife’s lovely eyes again. To touch her face.” Bob choked up.
“I agree,” the man who was married to Lisa said. “I’d quit if I could.”
I felt a rush of shame and guilt. What the fuck was wrong with me? Was I really letting my childhood fears interfere in my marriage? In being there for Terra and the kids?
I wasn’t just an asshole. I was a selfish asshole. Fortunately, I was struck with a moment of clarity and the answer to fix my situation and my marriage hit me like a thunderbolt. It had been there the whole time.
At the end of group, I hurried out, getting in my car, I wove through the afternoon traffic back to the office.
“Hold all calls. I want no interruptions,” I said to Johanna as I strode into my office and shut the door. I sat at my desk, picked up the phone, and made a call that would fix everything.
22
Terra (Wednesday)
I cried for a good ten minutes in the car. I told myself it was over the cancer, but if I was honest, it was about Brayden. It was grief as I finally understood that while I believed he loved me and the kids, his work would always be first. I tried to be understanding that his compulsion to work was probably a psychological need for security, and not something against me or the kids.
But because he did have this obsessive need to work, I had to beat this cancer to be there for my kids, because I couldn’t be sure Brayden would change. He hadn’t for me. I had no reason to think he’d do so for the kids.
One part of me thought I was being too hard on him. He’d made an effort during my treatment. But the pull of his work was always there. When he wasn’t in direct need by me, his choice was to be at work, not at home with the family.
I drove home needing to rest and pull myself together before getting the kids. Once I made it home and into bed, I cried again, this time because of the cancer, and my fear of leaving my children. I wondered if this was how my mother had felt. She’s always been so strong and positive during her illness. But when she was alone, did it make her heart hurt so bad she couldn’t breathe?
I woke up an hour later, cleaned off my tears and then went to get the kids at school. I decided I’d take them out for fun and tell them more about my cancer. It was a discussion that I should have with Brayden there, but I couldn’t rely on him to be there for it, and I wanted time to answer the kids’ questions and do what I needed to do to make them feel safe and secure before I went in for surgery.
Once I had the kids in the car with me, I announced we were going to the park. A collective yay, came from the back seat.
“Should we get a snack too?” I asked.
“Can we get ice cream?” Lanie said.
“Why not?” You only live once, right?
We got ice cream in cups to avoid a mishap in the car and make it easier to eat at the park. Then we drove to the park.
“Mommy, are you all done at the doctor?” Noah asked as we sat on a park bench.
My heart clenched in my chest. “Not quite, baby.”
Lanie frowned. “Why not?”
“There’s more sickness.” I looked at my two children, a perfect mesh of both me and Brayden. I couldn’t tell them the extent of my illness, but I couldn’t lie to them either. “In a couple of weeks, I’m going to have a surgery to take it out of me.”
Noah’s eyes widened. “They’re going to cut you?”
I nodded.
“Then you’ll be better?” Lanie asked.
“I’ll have to have some more treatments, but after that, hopefully I’ll be all better.”
Noah’s lip quivered. “Are you going to die?”
Tears flooded my eyes. “I hope not.” What else could I say?
“Your mommy died,” Lanie said, her eyes looking concerned.
My
heart hurt so bad that I couldn’t alleviate her fears. “My doctor says this will make me all better.”
“Do you miss your mommy?” Noah asked.
“Yes. Every day. I wish she could have known you. She’d love you both so much. Just like I do.”
“Do you have what she had?” Lanie was only six, but she clearly was more astute than I’d given her credit for.
“It’s similar.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell them it was the same. I didn’t want them to think I was headed to the same fate as my mother. I remembered how scared and sad I was when I learned my mother would die. I didn’t want my kids to go through that if I could avoid it.
“But you’re going to get better,” Noah asked, with a hint of panic in his voice.
“I’m going to do everything the doctor says for me to do.” I now understood why my mother fought until the end, even as it took away her ability to live and enjoy life. She’d done it for me. Like her, I couldn’t pass up on any chance, no matter how small, that I could get well and live a full life watching my kids grow up.
“Does daddy know?” Lanie asked.
“Yes.”
“Who will take care of us if you die?” Noah asked.
His question startled me, and yet, it wasn’t unusual for him or even Lanie to ask such direct questions. Still, it was a revelation that they thought Brayden wouldn’t take care of them.
“Your daddy will.”
“But he works a lot,” Lanie said.
“I don’t want you to worry about being taken care of. That will never be a problem. Okay? Even if your dad is working, there will be someone like Emma there for you.”
“Will daddy marry Emma?” Lanie asked.
This time, I found the question funny. It was a logical one in her young mind. She didn’t know about grown up love and relationships.
“I don’t think so. But that’s not something to worry about now. I plan on being around for a long, long time.”
Both kids sat in heavy silence and I felt bad for ruining their day. “Listen. We’re here to have fun.”
Lanie put her ice cream down and then threw her arms around me. “I don’t want you to be sick mommy.”
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 80