Dr. Pryor went on to explain that they will do further testing in the morning, and once they pull the sensor out of his head, they can start working on his transfer.
I followed him out of Chase’s room before he left and asked him if there was any hope for Chase at this point. I didn’t want my husband to hear, but I needed to know what to expect. I need to know what Chase is in for, but also what I’m in for. I need to brace myself now, find every ounce of strength I can possibly muster, and I need to be the pillar my family can hold on to as we go forward.
He gave me hope. That’s what I get to cling tight to.
Dr. Pryor admitted spinal cord injuries aren’t his strong suit, but from what he can tell—based on the early scans—Chase didn’t suffer a complete injury.
Those words didn’t mean much to me. But Dr. Pryor said with an incomplete injury, there is a very good chance for improvement, and living a fulfilling life going forward.
Adjusting to Chase’s paralysis will be hard. For all of us. But I know he isn’t going to die. Everything else I can take as it comes.
“You need to sleep,” he mumbles, still not looking at me. “I’m sure the hotel we were at could give you a room.”
“I’m not leaving your side,” I respond, lowering the legs of the recliner I moved beside his bed, so I can sit forward and take his hand.
“You aren’t sleeping here,” he says with a tone so cool and harsh, it takes me by surprise.
“I just have a lot on my mind right now, I’ll sleep when I can.”
“No, Allie, I mean I don’t want you here.”
“You don’t… Why? Why would you want me to leave?”
“Because we have two daughters who need you a helluva lot more than I do, at home. Because you can be useful to them. You can’t do a damn thing for me. So you need to go.”
Silence fills the space between us, interrupted only by the steady beat of the machines telling us he is very much alive. I stare at him, stunned silent. He’s looking at me now, but his eyes are cold, they’re dark. There isn’t one ounce of remorse for his words in them at all.
“Get. Out.”
“No, Chase, I’m not leaving you.”
“I don’t want you here, leave me alone.”
Every time he says it, more of my heart breaks. His words are like a knife, jagged and fatal, slicing through the little bit of hope I had.
“Nurse! Nurse! I need you!” he shouts, making Theresa rush in as fast as she can.
“What’s wrong, Mr. Canton? Are you in pain? What can I do for you?”
“I want you to get my wife out of here,” he says forcefully. “I do not want her in this room. I want her gone. Now.”
Theresa looks at him, then at me, and back to him.
“Mr. Canton, surely you don’t mean that?”
“Did I stutter?”
“Well, no, sir, you didn’t.”
“Good. Then kindly escort her out.”
Theresa looks at me with eyes full of pity, and she opens her mouth to speak when I cut her off.
“I’ll leave, Theresa,” I say, wiping away the lone tear in the corner of my eye.
She nods at me and moves to the head of Chase’s bed, running his machines again so they’ll capture a fresh set of vitals while she’s in here.
I reach down for my drink and my purse, then stand and make my way to the door. I turn to look at him, and he’s watching me, not saying a word.
“I’m not leaving the hospital, Theresa. I’ll be in the waiting room with Cody if you need anything.”
Theresa looks back at me and nods her head, while Chase closes his eyes and ignores me completely again.
“I love you, Chase. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, just know I’ll be here for you when you want me again.”
Chase
The hurt in her eyes and her words do more damage than any bull ever could have to me. But I need to protect her from what comes next. I have to. When I want her again? She said it as though I don’t want to cling to her with every last bit of strength and energy I have right now to get through this shitstorm.
But I won’t. I can’t. It’s not fair to her.
“You know,” Theresa says once Allie is long gone, “you may think you’re doing the right thing right now, but you aren’t.”
I grunt out an acknowledgement at her words, and say nothing else to her.
“Be mad, Mr. Canton. Take the night if you need to, but when the sun comes up in the morning, and you’ve accepted all that’s happened tonight, let her in. You won’t come out of this with any chance of a good life without your wife by your side. I can promise you that.”
With that, Theresa turns her back and walks out of the room, leaving me alone in the dimmed shoebox I get to call home from now on. What I wouldn’t give to be able to get up and run the hell away from here without ever looking back.
Allie
What Chase didn’t know last night when he kicked me out, but Theresa figured out pretty quickly once she left his room, was I didn’t go far. In fact, I didn’t leave him at all. I turned out of his room, stepped past the small window that allows the nurses to see him from their little desk and computer between his and the neighboring room, and then I slid down the wall and parked it there all night.
I was close enough I could hear every word Theresa said to him last night. And his lack of response to her.
I was close enough when his machines started to beep loudly a while after that, and she rushed into his room, I could hear his heart rate had increased because he’d worked himself up into a fit of anxiety and hyperventilation.
I could hear her tell him she was going to give him something to sleep. A mild sedative that wouldn’t do anything more than relax him so he could rest and let his body heal.
I heard everything.
I wanted to go to him. I wanted to hold him and promise him we’d get through this together. I wanted to help him settle down and relax.
But I did none of that.
I sat here on the cold, hard floor and did something I haven’t done earnestly in years—I prayed.
I prayed Chase would come to terms with what we’ve been told, and he would choose to fight as hard as imaginable so he can have the life he wants going forward. I prayed I will have the patience to endure the long, hard days to come. I prayed my husband would stop pushing me away, because whether he is in a wheelchair or up on two feet, I will love him with every bit of my heart and soul until the day I die. What he’s able to do will never change who he is to me. I prayed for the strength to hold on through the ups and downs we will undoubtedly face before this crazy ride comes to an end.
While I’m on the floor, watching the hustle and bustle of morning rounds and the nurses’ shift change, a cup of coffee is held out to me.
I look up to find Cody standing there, coffee in hand, tight smile in place.
“Thanks,” I say, shifting to get the pressure off my tailbone again.
“Theresa said you’d need it,” he whispers, then squats down in front of me. “Why didn’t you come get me when he was being a prick last night?”
I take a sip of the coffee and swallow hard, the pain of the liquid burning my mouth is almost soothing at this point.
“He’s not a prick,” I say, shrugging. “He’s terrified. He’s angry. And he’s going to take it out on me because I’m safe to take it out on.”
“That’s bullshit, Allie,” Cody says, tapping my knee with his finger. “If he wants to take shit out on someone, he can take it out on me. I can take it. I will take it. But it should never be you. Do you hear me?”
“Don’t worry about it,” I say to him, covering his hand with my own over my knee. “His doctor should be in soon. Breeze is back with us today, she said we have a lot to discuss. If he doesn’t want me in there, will you stay with him?”
“Christ,” he says and closes his eyes. “I’ll be there.”
“Thank you.”
He leans f
orward and kisses my forehead. “You may as well be my baby sister, you know that? There’s nothing you could ask me for that I wouldn’t give you right now.”
His words mean the world to me. Having him here for me, for us, is everything. For all of the crap I give him about his womanizing ways, Cody is the second best man I know, and when push comes to shove, he will have our backs no matter what. I set my coffee down and lean forward to wrap my arms around his neck.
“I love you, Cody. He’s going to need you now more than ever. So am I.”
Cody wraps his arm around me and answers simply, “I’m not going anywhere.”
Chase
My room has been a revolving door of nurses and staff for a solid hour now. But not once has Allie come back, and I don’t know what to think about it. She’s my resilient girl. She always has been. But maybe this really is asking more of her than she can handle. I wouldn’t blame her. She never signed up for this. She will have to care for me, and the girls. She’ll have to learn things no woman should ever be asked to learn and do for her husband.
But I’m still shocked she didn’t come back.
“Good morning, asshole,” Cody says, walking into my room with a coffee in his hand.
“I take it she told you what happened last night.”
“Nope, she didn’t say a fucking word to me. Your nurse told me when she was leaving a few minutes ago. I haven’t seen Allie since I said goodnight to you both last night.”
“What do you mean you haven’t seen her?” I ask, feeling a pinch in my chest again, same as I felt last night. “Where is she?”
“What the hell do you care? You kicked her out, remember?”
“Cody, I’m not fucking joking. Where is my wife?”
“So now you want her here?” he asks me, raising an eyebrow. “You are a real piece of work, you know that, right?”
He is pissing me off to no end. But I’m also terrified by what he’s saying. The first thought that comes to mind is: what if she got hurt leaving here? Then it dawns on me, she’s out there in a city she doesn’t know, because of me. Why did I ever ask her to leave? Why didn’t she go to Cody?
Why is all of this happening to me?
“What did you gain from kicking your wife out last night, Chase?” Cody prods again.
“You think I gained something from that?” I all but shout at him. “You think I don’t want her? When have I ever not wanted Allie?”
“Then what the fuck were you thinking?”
“I was thinking she can do a lot better than being stuck wiping my ass and caring for me like a child for the rest of her life. I was thinking that if I set her free she could still live a good life. She doesn’t need this, Cody. She never once signed up for any of this.”
“You’re such a dumbass,” he says, and sits down with a smirk on his face.
“What the hell is your problem? Are you not worried about her?”
“Nope, I’m not. But you should be.”
Red. That’s all I can see when I look at his smug face right now. “I swear to God, Cody, if anything happens to her while you’re sitting there on your ass…”
“You’ll what? Get up and kick it? I’d like to see you try.”
“Yes, you motherfucker. If anything happens to my wife, I will make sure I walk again so I can kill you with my bare hands, after I kick your ass.”
“Ah, so you do still have fight in you?”
“Excuse me?” I say through my teeth.
“Allie,” he calls out, “I think it’s safe for you to come in here now.”
I look at him with my jaw dropped; then shift my eyes toward my door when he nods his head in that direction. In walks Allie, carrying the same cup Cody came in with.
“Allie?” I ask in disbelief.
With my attention on her, I didn’t even see Cody stand or walk toward the door, not until he’s behind her and kissing her head. “Thanks for letting me scare the piss out of him,” he says to her, and then he looks at me. “I’ll be in the waiting room. You two need to talk. Don’t fuck it up this time, jackass.”
We both watch Cody walk out, and then Allie steps to me hesitantly and stops at the foot of the bed. “I signed up for life together, Chase, in sickness and in health. Would you walk away if I were the one in that bed and you were the one out of it?”
“Of course not,” I answer.
“Then why would you ever think I would?”
“You wouldn’t. That’s why I said what I did…”
“Never again, Cowboy. Or I swear I will walk away and I’ll never look back. We are in this together. Just like we have been everything else. Do you hear me?”
“Loud and clear, Darlin’. Loud and fucking clear.”
“Good.” She exhales slowly and fidgets with the coffee cup in her hands, picking at the sleeve around it. Her eyes look heavy, and show the evidence of her crying in the puffiness around them. She’s wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday. Her hair is in a messy, crazy ponytail. And she’s never looked more beautiful. Or exhausted.
“Where did you go last night?”
“Against the wall about two and a half feet outside your door…”
There’s no way. She couldn’t have actually sat outside my room all night. “Where were you really?”
“I was on the floor outside your room. I wasn’t going anywhere. There was no way I was leaving you. Even if you said you wanted me to.”
“Jesus. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to sit on the floor all night. I wanted to protect you from hurt, not subject you to it.”
“And pushing me away, hurting me with your words and your actions, was how you were going to accomplish that?”
“I’ve got a brain injury. I wasn’t thinking clearly.” My head isn’t an excuse at all, but I’ll use anything and everything I can to make what I did right. Even if it’s throwing an injury at her.
Then she tilts her head back and laughs. It’s a genuine laugh that makes my heart, and the air around us, lighter than they’ve been since I woke up last night.
“You would use your head injury as a defense to kicking me out. I bet you’ll use it and your back to get anything and everything you want until you’re better, won’t you?”
“That depends,” I say, smirking.
“On?”
“Whether or not it’ll work.”
“Maybe you should give it a try and find out.”
“My head hurts, like a mother, honestly. And my legs don’t work. My back is broken. And I really could use a kiss to feel better… And you’re the only one I’ll take it from. Would you mind?” I say, smiling at her.
“If I must, you demanding thing. Don’t get used to being pampered, though,” she says, smiling back at me and setting her drink down before she steps up to my side.
With my arms held out she leans in and lets me wrap her up tight. She smells like coconut and vanilla still, with hints of my favorite perfume lingering on her shirt. She’s warm and unwavering, even as I begin to cry in her arms.
“Shhh,” she says, tucking my head into the crook of her neck. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
She repeats the words over and over, holding me as my quiet tears turn into full sobs.
Now that I’m in her arms, the weight of everything has caved in on me. And I’m terrified. I don’t know how I’m going to live with this. I don’t know how I can be the man she, and our girls, need. I’ve never had to be dependent on anyone else. Not since I was a kid. I’ve never felt more helpless in my life, and I don’t know if I have the strength to get past this. That scares me more than anything else. What if I’m not the man she believes I am?
Allie holds me until I’ve cried out every last tear in my body. She doesn’t loosen her grip. She doesn’t let go. She stands steady and bears the weight of our world changing on her shoulders, and in her arms, with a strength I can only admire and hope to have one day.
“I love you, Chase Aaron Canton. We are going to get throu
gh this, do you hear me?”
When she pulls back to look me in the eyes, I see it there—the determination and fight that will get us through everything life throws at us—even my stupidity.
“I love you, too,” I reply, watching our first test walk through the door as a team of doctors and nurses come to deliver more news.
Chase
“Are you sure you don’t mind going out to Colorado and staying with our girls?” I whisper to Cody across the room. The arrogant bastard is propped against the door, hip resting against the jamb, with a fresh, just fucked look on his face.
“Not at all. Allie said earlier that you guys will be getting an air ambulance transfer to Denver tomorrow early?”
I nod my head. “They want me to have surgery within a seventy-two-hour window or my chances for recovery diminish drastically.”
“So home tomorrow then, that’s good,” he says, resting his head against the jamb now, too.
“No, Denver tomorrow. Home…” I let the words hang in the air. I don’t know when I’ll get to go home again.
“Don’t go there, Chase,” Cody warns, and steps closer, pulling a chair with him so he can sit beside my bed.
“I have to go there, especially while she sleeps. I have to be realistic. My back is broken and I can’t fucking walk. They barely just pulled a wire out of my brain, and I’ve still got a hole in my skull, barely covered by my scalp being stitched over it.”
He grimaces and then rises to look at the shaved patch on my head with stitches in the middle of it. “You make it sound so bleak. At least you’re alive. When I called her…” He stops talking now and looks all around the room, but avoids me.
“When you called her… What?”
“You haven’t seen it, neither has she. And I’m praying to God neither of your girls especially, have seen the footage of you getting caught up, tossed, and crushed. I didn’t think you’d live through last night. I called her thinking she would get here in time to tell you goodbye. That was it.”
Hold on Tight (Cowboys & Angels Book 1) Page 19