“Good. But the girls will be fine, Allie will make sure of it. So will I.” He looks around the room I’m in and then up at the powerless TV. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fucking terrified,” I tell him, looking down toward my lap. “How can I be the man they need if I can’t walk, or leave a chair?”
“I don’t know how you adjust, make life work for you when you’re an up and get the work done early type. But your legs don’t make you the man they need. How you are as a father and husband does.”
“I guess, I’m just afraid. This wasn’t in the plans. None of it was. You know what my plans were. How do I achieve those now?”
“We were going to partner up, right?” he asks, resting his elbows on his legs and watching me expectantly.
“You know that’s what I wanted.” He’s the only person I wanted to bring in on my plans, that’s why he came to the meeting with me. He’s my best friend, my brother, and one hell of a business partner and cowboy.
“Then we will make it work.” He shrugs and leans back again, as though we can just keep moving forward like I’m not looking at a life in a wheelchair.
“Just like that?” I say incredulously.
“Just like, Chase. We will make that shit work. We can still do everything you planned to. It’ll just take a little more time and patience. But we’ll figure it out.”
“I hope you’re right.” I drop my head back on the pillow behind me and look up to the ceiling. Every little thing I planned to have happen between now and the end of the year has been shot to hell. Though I appreciate his enthusiasm, I don’t see how we can make it all work.
Allie
The girls and I take the long way around the floor to the vending machines, and we make a pit stop in the bathroom for Aubrey. I know Chase doesn’t actually want those things, he can’t eat them until he’s out of surgery, but I suspect he needed a break, and to talk to Cody.
But I’m not going to stay gone for long, he’s going into surgery very soon, and I want every minute in his presence I can get.
“Do you think he’d want a Dr. Pepper, too?” Ava asks, standing in front of the pop machine and evaluating every option.
“No, baby, just his water. You can have one, if you want it.”
“I can?” she asks in a tone that would indicate I just offered her a miracle.
“Just this once, for your daddy, yes. You can get a Dr. Pepper.” I hand her the bills and let her get Chase’s water, and her soda, then I get me a water and Aubrey a Sierra Mist.
“Ava, get Krispies for all of us, please.” She takes another handful of dollar bills from me and dispenses five Rice Krispies Treats from the vending machine.
“I got one for Uncle Cody, too.” She tries to hold onto all five treats carefully, but with her and Chase’s drinks, she starts to drop them.
“Aubrey, why don’t you take a couple treats for Ava, and your drink, and we can head back.”
Both kids do as I suggested, evening out the load so we don’t drop anything, and we make our way back to Chase’s room.
“We come bearing snacks for everyone,” I announce as we walk in, giving them warning to stop talking about whatever it was they were discussing, so the girls don’t hear anything they shouldn’t.
“Thank you,” Chase says with an unconvincing smile.
“Yeah, thanks,” Cody says, standing up. “I’ve got to make a call and some arrangements, so I’ll let you all spend some time together before…”
“Thank you, Cody,” I say, giving him a small smile.
He bends down over Chase and gives him a hug, whispering something in his ear that I can’t make out. Chase nods and Cody pulls back with the slightest hint of moisture along the crease of his eye.
“See you on the flip side,” Cody says so we can all hear. “Ask them to make you more attractive while they’re in there, too. It’s really not fair to stick Allie with that mug for life, if it can be helped.”
That simple statement draws a real laugh from Chase, and me, and lightens the heaviness surrounding us so much that the air feels thinner and easier to breathe.
“Fuck you,” Chase mutters, still chuckling. “You know what we talked about?” he asks Cody, waiting for Cody to nod yes before he continues, “I’m counting on you. Thank you.”
“Stop getting all sappy on me,” Cody says, “besides, that’s what brothers are for. But, I’ll see you on the flip side, so it doesn’t matter.” With that, Cody walks out, putting his ball cap on backward as he crosses the threshold of the door.
Cody leaving has let us spend the last hour with Chase, talking, laughing, and trying to forget about the procedure we’re waiting for him to have. Aubrey has been showing us bits of her floor routine and Ava has been looking up funny jokes to share with us on my phone. We’ve made good memories together in this small, sterile room. Memories I know I’ll cherish for life, regardless of the outcome of his surgery.
I glance at the clock over the whiteboard hanging on the wall and notice it’s getting to be that time. “Girls, why don’t you give Daddy hugs and tell him you love him, his doctors and nurses will be ready for him soon.”
Chase looks up at the clock, and then at me, and his stress flashes behind his eyes before he puts that smiley mask back in place for the girls.
“I need big hugs when we say goodbye.”
I smile at him and watch Aubrey turn toward him in his bed, with her sticky fingers spread out so she doesn’t get marshmallow on him.
"Bye, Daddy," Aubrey says, yawning wide. "I love you."
“I love you, too, Monkey. So much." He draws her tiny frame into his chest, from where she’s perched on the bed beside him, and hugs her tight. She wraps her arms around him and hugs him back, then scoots off the bed, giving Ava room to climb up in her place.
"You're going to be okay?" Ava asks as soon as she’s seated at his side.
"Of course," he replies with a grin that may fool our daughter, but not me. "I'm going to be just fine. I would never let a little accident keep me down. Right?"
"Right," she says, nodding once. "And we can ride together again soon? You can help me practice?"
Chase glances at me over her head, giving me that look, and then focuses back on Ava. "It will take me a while, Pipsqueak. I've got a lot of healing to do before I can ride again. Okay?"
Her face falls, but she answers him anyway, "Okay, Daddy. I just want you better."
"That's what I want, too. And I'm going to fight hard to get better as fast as I can."
"You can do it, I know you can."
Before Chase can respond, his nurse pokes her head in. "It's time, Mr. Canton, are you all set?"
"I am," he responds, then pulls Ava into his chest, just like he did Aubrey, hugging her tight. "I love you, too, Ava. You look after your sister while I'm getting better."
"I will, Daddy. I love you, too." Ava sits up and holds her hand for Chase to press his to, and their fingers link together. "Good luck," she whispers, then climbs off the bed so I can move in.
I step up beside him and slide my fingers through his hair. "You better come out and back to me, Cowboy. Or else..."
He grins and nods beneath my hand. "You aren't getting rid of me that easily."
"I don’t want to get rid of you ever," I say, as I lean down to kiss his lips. "I love you, Chase. We will get through this and come out stronger. We just have to hold on tight until this crazy ride ends."
"I won't let go if you won't."
I take his hand just like Ava did, but I don't let it go. Instead I bring our hands higher and kiss over his knuckles, where his wedding ring would be if it weren’t around the chain on my neck. "I'll hold on for all eternity."
His nurse comes back in with the aide and I take a step back so they can prep his bed to be moved.
"You can walk with us down the hall," the aide says, "but then you'll have to go to the waiting room."
I nod and wink at Chase. "We'll be waiting for you."
"I can hardly wait to see my girls again. I love you all. Just remember that, okay."
He's not asking. He's telling us. He's afraid, and though it's rare, there is always room for complications and the unthinkable.
"We love you, too. You can tell us again when you're out."
We follow them out of the room and down the hall, where they pass through a set of doors and wheel Chase back for surgery. I take the girls' hands and we watch as the doors swing closed, then I turn them down the hall toward the waiting room. I nearly jump out of my skin when Cody is standing a few feet away, leaned against the wall, with his arms crossed and his eyes focused on the doors Chase disappeared behind.
"I thought you'd already left for, ya know..." I whisper honestly. I know he has a big ride this weekend he needs to leave and prepare for soon.
"Not a chance," he whispers, shaking his head. "I'm a scratch this weekend. My place is here with my family. Waiting to see if my brother is okay."
I nod my head with a slight smile. "Follow us then, Uncle Cody. We're heading to the waiting room so we can settle in for the duration."
He bends and scoops Aubrey into his arms. "Lead the way, ladies, we will be right behind you."
Aubrey wraps her arms around Cody's neck and lays her head on his shoulder.
"C'mon, Miss Ava, we'll show them where the comfiest seat is so your sister can relax. You both were up really early today.
Ava and I lead them to the waiting room, and I point out the bench seat that's cushion can be unfolded and laid out as a small couch bed. Cody carries Aubrey over and sits, helping her get laid out on it before he covers her with his coat.
"You'll be a good dad one day, you know that, right?" I ask him, handing Ava my phone to watch videos on.
"Eh, I don't know how true that is. But thanks. I've just watched Chase with these two, a lot." He shrugs his shoulder and looks down at Aubrey. She’s already starting to nod off, tucked beneath his jacket.
"You will. You brought a jacket in the dead of summer, and haven’t worn it once yet. So you brought it for them."
“Like I said, I’ve watched Chase with them a lot.” He shrugs it off, very typical of Cody, and then takes his phone out, focusing on its screen.
We sit in a comfortable silence for what feels like an eternity, waiting for news on Chase’s surgery. Both girls are asleep and passing the time until Chase is out in their dreams. I just hope they're good ones.
"I heard what Ava said to him," Cody whispers, getting my attention after a while.
"About?"
"Riding. We both know he won't be in any condition to help her reach her dreams anytime soon..."
"Don’t start, Cody," I warn.
"I am going to start, Allie. I'm hopefully going to finish, too. Quit being a stubborn ass and tell your daughter about your past. You can teach her. You can give her, her dreams. So stop hiding behind some false, fucked-up excuse about you don’t want to hurt Aubrey, and you hated that life and want to forget it. It's a crock of shit. That life gave you all of this."
The tone and punch of his words leaves no room for argument, yet I find myself wanting to argue, to defend my choices.
"Save the excuses," he says, reading me before I can speak them out loud. "You're being a coward and your family deserves better. Ava deserves better. She needs you."
"Cody, you don’t know what you're asking."
"I do. I'm asking you to woman the hell up, teach your daughter everything there is to know, and let her become what she wants for as long as she wants to do it. You aren't forcing her. She chose this for herself. Don’t punish her for having dreams, or for you being a chickenshit. Tell her. Teach her. Make her the champion it's in her blood to be."
He stands from the couch when he finishes and gives me a look. "Be the woman he knows you are. Do right by your girls, and take up the slack that he's going to need your help with."
He walks out of the waiting room and down the hall in the direction of the restrooms without another word.
Once he’s gone, I think about his words. About the pointed remarks he made about me being afraid, and then I look at my girls. I don’t want them to grow up ever feeling like they can’t speak up, or like they shouldn't be proud of everything they accomplish. Yet, that's the example I'm setting. He's also right; Chase won't be able to teach her. There's a chance he'll never even walk again.
Ava is going to need help. I could hire someone else to teach her to ride competitively, but who knows how they'll push my daughter, how they'll make her feel. I owe her more. I owe Chase more, too.
I need to quit hiding behind my excuses and tell my kids who I am, who I was when I met their dad. Ava needs to know, and because I wouldn't have any of this life if I'd never ridden, too.
Allie
“Mrs. Canton,” a nurse says, as she crosses the threshold into the waiting room. It’s been just over five hours. Five long, torturous hours waiting for information on how the surgery is going.
“Yes?” I acknowledge, standing up and crossing my arms over my midsection defensively, preparing myself for anything she may be here to tell me.
Cody stands from where he’s sitting with the girls, playing tic-tac-toe, and walks over to stand beside me.
“Your husband is out of surgery, and they are going to be taking him back to the ICU to go through the recovery process and be monitored. His surgeon will come out as soon as he can to update you, and after about an hour, hour and a half, someone will let you know you can get back into the ward and see him.” She gives me a smile and goes to turn and walk away.
That’s all? She isn’t going to tell me how he is, if it was a success? What to expect?
“Wait,” I say nervously.
She stops and turns back to us with a smile. “Yes, ma’am?”
“Is he okay? Did it go well?”
“He’s got to come out of his sedation, and he will be groggy for a while, but he should be okay. As for the surgery, I’m afraid I can’t give you any information. You’ll just have to wait for the doctor. He’ll be along soon.”
“Okay,” I mumble, “Thank you.”
She reaches out to give my arm a little squeeze, and then she leaves us standing, watching her back disappear, confused and not knowing much of anything at this point.
“He made it through,” Cody says quietly, aware of the girls watching us. “Hurdle one is clear.”
“Keep reminding me of that until we see him?”
“You got it.” He wraps me in a one-armed hug and then goes back to sit with the girls, explaining to them what the nurse just told us.
Chase made it through his surgery. He’s alive. That’s all that matters. But…
I really, really hope they were able to get in fast enough, decompress and stabilize him enough, that he will be able to walk again someday. His rodeo career is over; that breaks my heart for him. He will never get to be a champion again. Everything we have gone through, all we have given up and missed out on as a family, and it’s just over. That is going to hurt him deeply when it really sinks in. And there will be nothing I can do or say to make it any better.
I wanted him to end things on his terms. To call it quits when he wanted because he wanted to. I didn’t want it ripped away from him so rapidly. He deserved better from life than he’s been dealt over the last forty-eight hours.
“What are you thinking about over there?” Cody asks, tossing a bottle cap my direction and hitting me in the stomach with it.
“A little childish, isn’t this?” I ask back, holding the cap up.
“It effectively got your attention.” He smirks my way. “What’s on your mind?”
“None of this is fair. Not a single bit of it. He will never get his dreams met now.”
“Maybe not one, but he has others that can still come true,” Cody responds, then takes his turn in the game he’s playing with the girls.
“Cody, that dream, I don’t think either of us will get it. Not now. I was rea
ding up, there is a good chance that he won’t be able to…”
That news makes Cody drop his head and shake it. “Really?”
“Unfortunately, yes. There is a chance, but it’s incredibly small. Unless he heals enough.”
“Damn, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”
“Thanks. But he’s alive, right? And we have enough,” I say, looking between my daughters.
“He is. And you do. The rest you can sort out later.”
Chase
Muffled voices, hands adjusting me, incessant beeping that needs to shut the fuck up. Seriously. What is that sound?
I open my eyes and blink a few times, adjusting to the light over my head, then glance around at the nurses beside my bed.
“Mr. Canton,” one says, in an annoyingly high-pitched voice. “Are you with us?”
“I am,” I croak out, my throat sore and burning. “How did it go?”
“Your doctor will be by in a while to discuss with you. First, we want to get you set up in here, let your anesthetic wear off a little, and monitor your pain.”
“Can I have something for my throat?”
“Is it sore?”
I nod my head. “How long did the surgery take?”
“From the time we took you down to now, just over five hours. You actual surgery was probably around four, four and a half. You had a tube down your throat, that’s why it’s sore.”
“That long?” I try to remember how long the doctor said it should take, but my head is still foggy, and the concussion can’t be helping any.
“It doesn’t mean anything was wrong, that I’m aware of, he just took his time.”
“Right, okay.” I agree. I wish I could remember exactly how long the doctor said it would take for each scenario, and whether long was good or bad. But I can’t. And she clearly isn’t going to tell me. “My throat…can I have something to drink?”
“I’ll bring you some ice chips for now, and then we’ll see about getting you some ginger ale brought up.”
Hold on Tight (Cowboys & Angels Book 1) Page 21