I sighed as I sat back on the bed and took another drag of my cigarette.
Donna came out of the bathroom, a white towel wrapped around her body. “I should go to my room and shower, get clean clothes.”
I looked up at her and nodded, unable to find the words to tell her what we had done should never have happened; would never happen again.
I watched as she gathered her clothes and slipped back into the bathroom to put them on, before disappearing out into the hallway.
I made my way into the bathroom and found my phone sitting on the counter. I slid my finger over the screen and saw six unread messages from Sarah. My heart stopped as I opened them to read.
SARAH
I’D SPENT THE last hour in bed feeling as if I had been kicked in the head by a horse. I have no idea what time Derek had come back to the room, but he was by my side when I woke. I blinked my eyes open and saw his staring back at me, concern on his face.
“What?” I asked, trying not to sound upset.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.” I shrugged as I looped my hand in his.
“You trashed the room, killed the minibar, and the stove was on.”
I closed my eyes, knowing that no excuses could make me sound sane in this situation. Part of me wanted to ask him why he cared. Why now? But I bit my tongue because I craved this side of him more than anything else.
“I was upset.”
“Then we will make it better.” He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it gently. “Take a shower. It will help.”
I gave him a small smile as I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom. As soon as my eyes locked on my phone, I could feel the panic spread from my chest. I picked it up and scrolled through the messages I had sent to E last night before I passed out.
I need you right now.
I can’t do this anymore.
Please . . . I’m not a free . . .
I shut the phone, unable to read the rest. Derek must have seen them. His clothes from last night were on the floor. I turned on the water to the shower, holding my breath as a few tears slid down my cheeks. After a minute I heard the door to the hotel hallway open and close quietly. I knew he was going to talk to E, and any hope I had of saving my friendship was gone.
I slid off my underwear and stepped into the scalding-hot water. I had fucked up things beyond repair last night. There was no going back with E, and now Derek was going to make sure of it. I dipped my head into the stream of water and held my breath as it washed over my face.
I grabbed a washrag and lathered it with soap before scrubbing hard over my skin. I wanted to erase the night, erase the scars, erase my past.
I stood under the spray until my skin pruned and my body shivered uncontrollably as I got out and wrapped a towel around myself.
Derek was sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head hanging as I stepped out. He looked up at me, and instead of being angry, he smiled. “I didn’t think you were ever getting out.” The unusual cheerfulness to his tone made me uncomfortable, as if he were deliberately ignoring my pain, or laughing in the face of it. “Get dressed. We have dinner with Tucker and Cass today. I know you don’t want to miss that.”
I couldn’t help but make a face. E would be at a dinner with Tucker. I stepped farther into the bedroom space and sank down to dig around my bag for something to wear. I decided on a pair of jeans and a formfitting T-shirt. I glanced back at Derek over my shoulder; he was watching me intently.
I stood with my back to him as I dropped my towel and pulled on a pair of underwear.
Derek laughed to himself as I continued to get dressed, and I was scared to even ask him what was on his mind. He didn’t leave me to guess.
“If you had messaged me, I would have been here, babe.”
I froze with my pants midway up my thighs.
“Really. No need to bug E while he’s getting it on with Donna.”
I pulled my pants up slowly, glad I was not facing him so he could get the satisfaction of my reaction.
“I didn’t realize he was.” I hated that my voice wavered.
“They are dating. Don’t worry. He wasn’t that pissed. I smoothed it over.”
I pulled my shirt over my head and turned to face Derek as I grabbed my wet hair and freed it from the collar of my shirt. I gave him my best fake smile that I showed everyone else. “Thank you. I can be stupid when I drink.”
“It’s fine, babe. He understood.”
I cringed inwardly at the thought of Derek’s talking to E about me. And the thought of him with Donna while I was texting him last night . . . suddenly I felt nauseous again.
“Where’s the dinner?” I examined the burn on my fingertip, which was now pink and swollen, but hadn’t blistered.
“Have to ask the twins. I haven’t heard from him. I just know afterwards we’re gonna hit the strip club to make up for him not having a bachelor party.”
I dug through my bag and grabbed my hairbrush, running it through my hair absentmindedly as I thought about how badly I had broken down last night. I hadn’t had that happen for a long time, and I felt that I was starting to slip back into the person I used to be. At least today I could pull Cass aside and have someone to talk to. I needed to vent, to sort out what I was feeling.
If I had not passed out last night, I would have hurt myself. It wasn’t a matter of if but when.
“We can skip the dinner if you want.”
I sighed as my heart sank. “No. It’s fine,” I lied, dropping my brush in my bag.
His arms wrapped around my waist from behind and his lips pressed against my neck. “Is it?”
I could only nod.
He spun me around to face him, his eyes searching mine for the truth. He sighed, his shoulders sagging. “We can just leave. My brother’s been bugging me to come see him in Texas.”
“I want to stay. I want to see Cass.”
He nodded, pushing the wet hair from my face. “Maybe afterward. I think it would be good for us to get away from all of this.”
“Yeah . . . maybe.”
He pulled me against his chest and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Spending some time alone with Derek and away from the partying was exactly what we needed. When things aren’t this hectic, we actually enjoy each other’s company. I missed that. Missed us.
“I’m gonna run through the shower and get ready.”
I reluctantly let go of him as he disappeared into the bathroom. I sank down on the bed and dropped my head in my hands. How had everything gotten so fucked-up in such a short time?
I needed to get it out before it consumed me. I found my old, tattered notebook and sat down at the small desk at the foot of the bed.
The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,
I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire,
To let you in and break apart these walls,
That contain me, don’t blame me, I’m trying not to fall,
But it hurts to ignore it and it hurts to lie,
By myself in this bed when I’m starting to cry.
My mind was racing as I tried to get everything out that I had been keeping in so long. It was like therapy to me, and as I confessed my pain, I was confessing something else as well, but I was too scared to admit it.
“You’re writing.”
I turned around to see Derek running his hand through his long, dark hair, a towel slung low on his hips. My eyes danced over his tattoos and the bare spot on his chest. It was a perfect representation of how empty his heart was.
“Just jotting down some lyrics. We could use some new material for the next tour.”
He nodded as he gathered some clothes from the floor.
“I’m sorry.” I was apologizing for the mess I had made. The mess of my life.
“Me, too.” He tossed his towel on the bed and I turned around to stare at the paper in front of me.
ERIC
I RUBB
ED MY HAND along my jaw as I stared at the messages from Sarah. How could I have left her alone last night? What did she mean she wasn’t free?
R u ok?
I hit send and made my way into the small kitchen area to get myself a glass of water. Visions of last night danced through the edge of my memory. In forty-eight hours, I had effectively destroyed things with Sarah from all sides. The kiss, the dare, the night with Donna . . . Sarah had reached out to me and I hadn’t even known because I was busy fucking up my friendship with Donna, too. By the time this trip was over, I would have no one left. My phone vibrated in my palm and my heart raced as I slid my finger over the screen.
I’m fine. Sorry I bothered u.
I stared at the words as if they would change before my eyes. I typed out a quick response: You don’t bother me.
I set my glass in the sink and ran my hand over the back of my neck, rubbing away the tightness in my muscles. The phone vibrated again.
I shouldn’t have texted u. I won’t ever again.
“Fuck,” I threw my phone, and the back flew off as it hit the wall on the other side of the bed. I needed to get the fuck out of this place before I lost my mind. For months I’d missed her, and now that she was back in my life, I’d pushed her even further away. To make things worse, I would have to face her for the next week and a half while we were all still in LA.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I had never felt as weak as I did now. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I needed to take a step back and reevaluate what I was doing.
I decided I needed to get some of my frustration out in the gym. I hadn’t worked out in days. I changed into some shorts and a white T-shirt and set off for the gym on the first floor. It was practically empty and I was glad the twins were probably still asleep. I needed to lift, to feel the burn and ache in my muscles, but my head was going crazy.
I jumped on the treadmill and slowly upped the speed until I was full on running, staring at the television mounted in the corner of the room as I let the noise override my thoughts.
The more known our band became, the lonelier life felt. I craved having one person who knew the real me and not the guy on the stage. At least with Tucker off with his new bride, we were able to go out in public without being bothered. But all that would change again today when they finally came back.
As I turned up the speed, the sweat began to run off me, my hair clinging to my forehead as I started to breathe harder.
Trying to run from all of my problems was just like running on this treadmill. You never got anywhere.
I thought of how my family used to be, before my brother was killed. I wanted a family like that for myself, but I knew I was never meant to have that kind of happiness. I wasn’t even welcome in my own family. My legs were burning and I forced myself to keep going. I wanted exhaustion. I wanted to wear down my body and hopefully, in the process, my mind.
TWO HOURS LATER I left the gym, my body feeling as if it were ripping in two. I made my way back up to my room, glancing at Donna’s door, but deciding now probably wasn’t the time to talk about what had happened last night.
I hoped she didn’t hate me for what had happened. I didn’t think I could handle losing her on top of everything else. I slipped inside my room and took an ice-cold shower, letting the water cool me down until my breathing returned to normal.
I got dressed and grabbed my phone from the floor. It took a minute to locate the back, but I slipped it on and tried to power on. The phone wouldn’t work, and the anger that had consumed me earlier returned.
Someone knocked at the door and I groaned as I made my way over to it and yanked it open.
“Dude, what the fuck?” Terry held his hands out to his sides.
“What?”
“You won’t answer your phone, you wouldn’t answer the door. Donna is freaking out, man. You can’t just fuck a chick and ignore her.”
“I wasn’t ignoring her.”
“So you did fuck her? I got to hand it to you, man. Only you could tame the fucking ice queen.” He laughed as he slid by me into the room.
I slammed the door and ran my hands through my hair. “I broke my fucking phone and I was in the gym and the shit with Donna is not what you think.”
“Yeah, well, we are meeting Tuck down at the Lagoon. Chris already left with Donna.”
“Sarah and Derek leave yet?”
“You know, your life is more fucking twisted than a soap opera.” Terry pulled open the door and made a sweeping gesture with his hand.
I stepped out into the hall as I laughed. “How the fuck would you know about soap operas?”
“I need my stories, man.”
I couldn’t help but laugh.
We headed down to the lobby for a waiting cab to take us to the restaurant. I stared out the window the entire drive, not wanting to talk anymore about the female drama. Terry didn’t press the issue, but I could tell he was a little more excited than he should be to watch everything unfold. When you spend your life on the road, you have to get your entertainment any way you can.
When we stepped into the lobby, Donna turned to face me. I could see the worry in her eyes. I knew she wasn’t sure what my feelings toward her were after last night. I wasn’t sure either. I scanned her body, taking in her curves in her simple, formfitting, black dress. I walked over to her and put my arm around her shoulders.
“You look beautiful,” I whispered, and her lips quirked into a smile as her hand fell to my chest.
“I wasn’t sure you were coming.”
“Why would you think that?”
“I thought you’d still be sleeping off your hangover.” She shrugged, and our attention turned to the door as Tucker and Cass stepped inside. It felt as if it had been years since we had all been together. We all hugged and congratulated them, making inappropriate comments about their time alone.
“Let’s eat. I’m starving.” Tucker walked to the hostess and gave her his name. She quickly guided us back into the dining room.
“What did we miss?” he asked as we made our way to the table.
“You don’t want to know.” I shook my head.
“That bad, huh?”
I waited for Donna to sit before taking the seat next to her. Terry sat on the other side of me. Chris, Tucker, and Cass sat on the other side, leaving two empty seats in front of me, but I wasn’t sure Sarah and Derek would even show. She had made it pretty clear she wanted nothing more to do with me.
We ordered drinks as we shared stories about the bar fight and late-night partying. Tuck laughed as we told him about Derek’s spending the night in jail, but that was cut short when they finally showed.
Sarah avoided eye contact with me and Derek was being overly friendly.
“Nice of you to show up,” Terry joked.
Sarah shook her head. “I couldn’t remember the name of the place. I tried to text you.” Her gaze met mine for a second and I cocked my head, wondering why she would text me after telling me to leave her alone.
“My phone broke.” I picked up my glass of water and took a sip.
“No worries. We’re here now.” She leaned forward to look over at Cass and smile.
SARAH
HOW DOES IT feel being Mrs. Tucker White?” I asked as I held my hair back so it wouldn’t drag on my plate.
“It feels . . . like the way it should be.” Cass smiled and I loved how genuinely happy she was.
“I still think you should have kept your last name,” Chris chimed in as he took a bite from a roll.
“As brilliant of an idea that it was to name our son Jack Daniels, I couldn’t go through with it.”
Chris put his hand over his heart as if he were hurt, and Cass mouthed sorry to him as she smiled. “I missed this,” she said with a sigh as the waitress came over to take our orders. I hadn’t even looked over the menu. I picked it up and my eyes scanned the lists of entrées, sneaking a glance at E, who was leaning closer to Donna, discussing wh
at they wanted to eat. Derek’s hand fell on my thigh and I looked over at him, smiling weakly as he patted my leg.
He was trying and I hated myself for wishing that he hadn’t waited so long to make an effort. I slipped my hand under the table and wrapped my fingers around his and gave them a squeeze.
“I’ll have the bacon burger with mayo,” I said as I held out my menu for the server to take. She went around the rest of the table taking everyone’s order.
After we were left alone again the drinks began to flow, and everyone was in good spirits. For once, there was no fighting, and it made me miss our tour even more.
“Next tour kicks off in a month,” Derek said to Tucker.
“We need to have Donna go over our schedule with you. Maybe we can meet up along the way, play a gig together for old times’ sake.”
“I would love to get to hang out with Cass again. I miss her.” I could feel E’s eyes on me and I avoided his gaze.
“So you can use me as your Barbie doll again?” Cass laughed and threw a roll toward me.
“Come on. You looked hot and it is always fun to be pampered.”
“You did look hot.” Tucker gave Cass a lopsided grin and kissed her temple.
“See. It was fun. Plus we could work on some new songs. Have you written anything lately?”
“I wrote a song for Tucker, but I am not sharing that with these perverts.”
“Can’t blame you there. Derek thinks everything has some sort of sexual reference.” I rolled my eyes and he elbowed me playfully in the ribs. “It’s true.”
“It’s not my fault you have a dirty mind.” He narrowed his eyes and I did the same.
“It would really be nice to have another girl around. Donna is always nose deep in business when we’re on the bus.”
“Ninety percent of my business consists of keeping E out of fights. It’s a full-time job,” Donna chimed in, and I glanced over toward her, allowing myself to look at E. His eyes were already on mine.
“That’s the easy part. You just sidetrack him with a funny story. Once you get him laughing, he forgets all about kicking ass,” I replied, and E gave me a lopsided grin.
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