by Britney King
The harder it became to hold it all together, the more Patrick asked Addie to quit her job permanently. At first, the conversation occurred weekly. Addie found herself not wanting to talk to her husband about the issues she was facing or complain about the exhaustion because she knew what he would say. Towards the end, it came up daily. “I just don’t understand, Addison. My mom never worked, and I turned out pretty good, don’t ’cha think? It’s not like we need the money. So what’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that I want to work. But most of all, I don’t want to become your mother. So I’d appreciate it if you’d leave her out of this.”
Patrick crossed his arms. “What’s wrong with my mother?”
“Nothing, Patrick. Nothing is wrong with her. As you can see, she raised such an understanding, intuitive man.”
Patrick sighed, grabbing his things from the table. “Good then. It’s settled.”
Addie had never felt so alone in her life. All of her friends loved being mothers. Sure, they were a little sleep deprived, but they were happy. Having babies seemed to only enrich their lives, whereas, for Addie, she felt as though hers was a complete and utter mess.
Addie lasted exactly four months before she finally gave in to Patrick’s demands that she quit. He assured her that she would feel better without all of the pressure to do it all. On one hand, Addie thought that maybe Patrick was right. She did feel a ton of pressure. And all of her friends who had had children and now stayed at home seemed really happy with their choices. They’d all said that they wouldn’t have it any other way. So Addie gave her notice and tried not to look back. She was afraid that if she did, she wouldn’t like the reflection staring back at her.
Once Addie quit her job, she threw herself in to motherhood. She became consumed by it, and she found that Patrick was happier. Baby Connor was finally coming around, finally turning in to a chubby little thing that cooed and even smiled on occasion. While he cried less, he still cried a lot. There were days when Addie found herself laying Connor in his crib during one of his screaming fits and walking outside. She’d sit on the front porch for so long that sometimes she couldn’t be sure how long she had stayed out there. Was it minutes or hours? Time seemed inconsequential. The days dragged on, bled from one to another, all seeming exactly the same. Minutes gave way to hours and the hours into days then months. Addie wondered what she did to deserve this. She wondered why she wasn’t good enough and how she could fail at something that was supposed to be innate. Who failed at motherhood, anyway? Why couldn’t she love being a mother the way her friends did? And just how did she get here, in this place, where the girl, or was it woman now, didn’t even recognize herself? Still, she said nothing. She endured and smiled through her unhappiness, all the while promising never to let herself become this invisible again.
Thankfully, somewhere around Connor’s first birthday, things gradually started to shift. He started sleeping for six hours at a stretch, allowing Addie to finally get some uninterrupted sleep. He started walking more and crying less. Addie became happier too, finding little pieces of herself again. Patrick was as involved in his career as ever, but you could tell that, as Connor was becoming more of a little boy, Patrick found it easier to interact with him. Sometimes on Saturdays, Patrick would take Connor to breakfast and the park, leaving Addie with almost a half a day to herself.
It was also around this time that Addie and Patrick started communicating again. Before, it was all the same: the feedings, the changings, and the crying, but now that Connor was doing so many new things each day, there was more to discuss. It was also around this time that the sex life that they both had once enjoyed so much, the glue that had always held them together, started to come back. Slowly but surely, they became a couple again and, with that, a family—the kind of family that Addie had always wanted. Sure it wasn’t the perfect sitcom family she once thought it would be, but it was perfectly hers, and for that she was grateful. She couldn’t ask for more.
Addie had made up her mind that she was done having children, at least for a very long while, and while she didn’t discuss her decision with Patrick or anyone else, it thankfully never came up.
So a year later, when Addie found herself dizzy and vomiting, she didn’t think, not even for a minute, that she might be pregnant. It was actually Patrick who suggested it.
“Nah.” Addie reminded him. “There is no way. We’ve been using protection.”
“Um, yeah, except for that one time that we didn’t.” Patrick said with the shit-eating grin that Addie both loved and hated.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “What one time?!”
“You know, last month, in the parking garage, after my company party.”
“Oh shit, Patrick. Wait. I thought we did! You mean we didn’t?”
Patrick rolled his eyes. “No. Addie. I don’t exactly carry condoms around with me everywhere I go.”
Addie paced the room. “Damn it. I must have been really drunk. I hardly remember that.”
Addie pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling faint.
“Gee thanks.” Patrick called over his shoulder as he walked out, slamming the door behind him.
The next morning when Addie peed on the stick, much to her dismay, two bright blue lines quickly appeared.
She stormed out of the bathroom and over to the bed where Patrick was still sleeping. As she sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at him, he stirred and rolled over, peeking his eyes open “What time is it?” he asked groggily.
“Five thirty. Wake up. It turns out you were right.”
Patrick rubbed his eyes. “Isn’t that usually the case? What am I right about this time?”
“This.” Addie said, shoving the test into his chest.
He sat up and glanced down at the test in Addie’s hands that clearly told him that she was pregnant. “You don’t seem very enthusiastic. It’s not as if we’d planned to stop at one.” He said, squeezing her knee.
“I guess it’s just the timing. I’m not ready. I was actually thinking about going back to work next year with Connor turning three and all. Plus, we had such a hard time with him. What if this one turns out the same way? Or worse?”
“Bad luck never strikes twice.”
Addie frowned.
“Seriously? This is the first time I’ve heard you talk of returning to work. I thought we had come to an agreement and put that thought behind us?”
Addie stood and rolled her eyes. “Doesn’t matter now.”
“Well, I, for one, am over the moon. Connor is going to love being a big brother.”
Addie smiled, shook her head, and prayed to God that he was right about this too, of course.
Three weeks later, Addie found herself sitting in the sterile waiting room of her doctor’s office, nervous for a reason that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. She felt uneasy, and she had the slightest of feelings that it wasn’t just the excessive nausea she was dealing with. Perhaps, it was just that Patrick was running late. Something had caught him up at the office, which wasn’t surprising.
When Patrick opened the door, she saw him before he caught her eye. He was rushed, searching the faces for hers. In that moment, all was forgiven for being late. The look on his face said it all. There was so much love in that look Addie melted. Just then, he caught Addie’s eye and he smiled affectionately. Addie smiled back as he made his way over to her at sat down beside her. “Sorry I’m late. I didn’t miss anything, did I?”
“No, the doctor is running behind due to a delivery. But they should be calling us back soon.”
A few minutes later, the nurse called Addie’s name. She instructed her to use the restroom and leave a urine sample while she ushered Patrick to an exam room.
When Addie was finished, she made her way back to the exam room, where she changed into a paper gown the nurse had laid out for her, and hopped up on the table. “Earth to Patrick,” Addie repeated twice before Patrick finally glanced up.
“Sorry,
honey. I just have to answer a few emails. Things are crazy back at the office.” Patrick replied, not taking his eyes from his phone.
“Must be pretty important because I was just naked and you didn’t even notice.”
Patrick laughed. “You’re wrong about that. I was watching from the corner of my eye.” Patrick sighed, stood, and kissed her head. “Don’t be nervous. Everything will be fine.”
Addie smiled, wondering how he knew her so well.
Addie’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Dr. Pierce walked in, followed by the nurse who wheeled in an ultrasound machine.
Dr. Pierce, who Addie guessed was probably in her early 40s, was cheery and beautiful. She was petite with jet-black hair, which only made her sharp blue eyes that much more distinguishable. She had been Addie’s doctor with Connor, and Addie had fallen love with her bedside manner.
“Well, hello.” Dr. Pierce said boisterously. “When I saw you on my schedule, I was a bit surprised. You didn’t mention trying for another when you came in for your annual a few months ago. I would’ve started you on pre-natals.”
Addie just shrugged her shoulders and smiled.
Dr. Pierce instructed her to lie back as she squirted the cold gooey gel on Addie’s abdomen. She placed the ultrasound wand and moved it around just a bit. Patrick stood next to Addie, stroking her hand. Suddenly Addie gasped, causing Patrick to jump. She covered her mouth with her hand, not taking her eyes from the screen. She registered what she was seeing on the screen just as Dr. Pierce did. There they were. Two perfect blurry blips up on the screen, each tiny dot flickering with a heartbeat. “Twins,” Addie said weakly, afraid she was going to faint.
“Congratulations! Twins.” Dr. Pierce said with a chuckle.
“Twins?” Patrick asked, looking back and forth between Addie and the doctor in a way that told them that he wasn’t privy to what they were seeing on the screen.
“Oh my God.” Addie cried as Patrick finally grasped what was happening and began to rub her back.
Dr. Pierce went on to give Addie instructions, of which she heard very little. She nodded and took the paperwork that was handed to her, pretending she heard what they were telling her. But the room was spinning, and yet everything was happening around her in slow motion, all at once. Her face grew hot and chills washed over her. She collapsed just as Dr. Pierce and Patrick moved in to break her fall.
Five
In hindsight, those two bright blue lines that Addie was surprised to see on the pregnancy test would prove to be very foretelling. She gave birth to twin boys exactly six months later.
After several years at home with her children, Addie decided that she had had enough and began looking for work. While she loved her family dearly, she had grown tired, feeling bored and unfulfilled. Her days at home were mindless. She needed a challenge: something, anything, to make her feel alive again. Knowing how Patrick felt about her going back to work, she decided not to discuss the matter with him until she found a job. She figured an offer that she couldn’t turn down would be the perfect solution.
She hired a professional to tweak her resume, and, thankfully, it didn’t take long for her phone to start ringing. A few weeks after she started her search, she landed two interviews. While the first one had been mostly a disaster, she learned a few lessons and felt better prepared for the second.
The morning of her second interview was hectic, trying to get everyone where they needed to be. Always one to prepare, Addie had the kids’ clothes and things packed and ready the night before. Still, she couldn’t have prepared for the chaos of trying to look presentable herself while getting three kids out the door at such an early hour.
She rose extra early, worked out, and showered. Dressed in a black pencil skirt, crisp white button-down top and peep-toe black pumps, she checked herself in the mirror and was satisfied she looked the part. She was surprised that the skirt still fit her, certain that her hips were wider after giving birth to three children, two of them at once! But it fit, a little tighter nonetheless. She swept her long blond hair up in to a loose bun, hopeful that would make them take her seriously.
Addie fed the boys cereal, got them dressed, dropped Connor off at school, and waded through traffic on the twenty-minute ride to Jessica’s house. Thankfully, Jessica had agreed to watch the twins while Addie interviewed.
She arrived in front of Jessica’s expansive colonial without a minute to spare and practically dumped the boys off at the curb. Jessica and her two children, Sophie and Liam were watering flowers in the massive front yard as she pulled up. “Thank you so much for taking them for me. You’re a lifesaver.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t know what I’m going to do if you get this job. Who will I call and bug all day?”
“You can still bug me.”
“Yes, but it won’t be the same. Now, you’ll have a real excuse for not picking up.” Jessica winked.
Addie winked back. “I’ve gotta run.”
Jessica blew her bangs out of her eyes and looked at Addie intently. “You look nice. And you didn’t even ask for my help. I’m proud of you. Now, go! Break a leg.”
“I plan on it.”
Luckily, the twins were so excited to see their friends they hardly noticed as Addie kissed them goodbye and drove away. As she pulled out on to the street, Addie glanced in the rearview mirror and wished she could be more like her best friend. Jessica was such a patient mother, the kind who did daily arts-and-crafts projects with her children—the kind who still made homemade Halloween costumes and cookies from scratch. Addie knew that no matter how hard she tried she could never be that kind of mom. First of all, she wasn’t crafty, and second, she wasn’t all that patient. She just didn’t seem to be in love with motherhood in the way that Jessica was. And that fact always made her just a tad bit envious.
Addie parked in the garage and checked her hair and makeup in the mirror briefly before making her way to the elevators. The office was in a beautiful high-rise building in downtown Austin. As she rode the elevator up to the thirteenth floor, Addie tried to remain calm. It’s just a conversation. She reminded herself. What’s meant to be will be.
The doors closed as Addie checked her phone and texted Jessica to check on the boys. Lost in thought, she didn’t notice the man in the suit standing behind her until she stumbled backward into him. She hadn’t worn heels in a while.
Startled, Addie glanced up and caught the man’s eye in the mirror. “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.” The man seemed amused but only nodded.
As the elevator started to climb, Addie turned her attention back to her phone, waiting for Jessica’s reply.
“Don’t you think it’s strange how two people can be standing inches from one another in such a confined space and yet hardly acknowledge one another?” the deep voice behind her said.
Addie looked up, her eyes meeting his in the mirror.
He didn’t wait for her reply. “I’ve always thought so anyway.”
Addie smiled nervously. For the first time, she really took notice of the man. He was tall and very handsome with dark hair, piercing blue eyes, and was dressed impeccably. Probably gay. Men this beautiful usually were.
He extended his hand. “I’m William Hartman. And no, I’m not gay. It’s a pleasure to meet you. What did you say your name was again?”
Holy shit. Did I say that out loud? Addie swallowed nervously, pretty sure she hadn’t. This man was clearly messing with her. She hadn’t said her name. Two can play at this game.
She placed her hand in his and then quickly pulled away, frowning. “Have we met?
The man chuckled. “I don’t think so. But you can’t say it’s for lack of trying on my part.”
What the hell? Is he seriously flirting with me? “I’m Addison Greyer. And just so we’re straight here, pun intended, I’m not gay either. I’m married, actually.”
He leaned back, taking her in. He had to admit, she surprised him. Not only was she not amused by
his charms but she seemed downright annoyed. This, combined with the fact that she was incredibly attractive and quick-witted, made him want her that much more. “Well, I’m glad that’s settled.”
Addie wasn't sure what he meant by his statement; all she knew was that she couldn't wait to get out of this elevator. And what was taking so long, anyway? Though she couldn't put her finger on it, something about this man made her very uncomfortable: the way he shook her hand made her heart race and her knees weak. It’s just nerves, she told herself, thoroughly convinced.
Suddenly the lights flickered as the elevator stalled and then plummeted before finally coming to an abrupt halt. Addie fell backward into the man, hitting her head on the mirror as the elevator jolted to stop. He grabbed her before she hit the marble floor, holding her upright.
“Easy there. You ok?” Addie’s legs felt like putty. She could barely stand.
Addie wiped her forehead. Ouch. “Um . . . Yeah. Yeah, I’m ok.”
She wobbled as he loosed his grip a little. Dizzy and unable to steady herself, Addie grabbed the man’s arm, taking notice of how big it was and how hard his body seemed as she fell against it.
“How about this . . . Here, let’s sit,” he said, lowering her to the floor.
Addie blushed. “Thanks.”
The lights flickered again, going out completely until dim fluorescent lights came on overhead.
“You ok here for a second? I’m going to use the emergency phone.”
Addie’s mouth went dry. She was flustered by the way he looked at her but managed to nod.
William stood cautiously and picked up the phone. Addie listened to him speak to what she figured was security. Never taking his intense blue eyes from hers, he listened to whoever was on the other end. He relayed information on who was in the elevator but otherwise only responded with one-word answers. She could tell the news wasn’t good.