“Milord, I am not sure if I ought to tell you this but … Lady Phaera left early today. She was not herself. When I asked if I might say where she was going she said she had business with Nurias.”
“You did well to inform me. Saddle a fresh horse. I will go there at once myself.”
The stable master looked like he wanted to ask more but caught himself and simply said, “Right away Milord.”
“Good. I will return momentarily.”
Bain raced into the castle and had Cook pack some travel fare. While she did that he sought Lady Flor to inform her where he was going and that Phaera was likely there already.
At her worried question he answered, “No, there is no need for concern, Milady. You may expect us both by tomorrow evening.” He turned on his heel to hurry away before she could press for more.
By the time he reached the stables a fresh horse stood saddled and ready, reins in the hands of the waiting stable master.
“Thank you. If anyone asks you may say we will both be back by evening tomorrow.”
“Yes, Milord.”
Bain took the reins, jumped into the saddle and rode into the darkness. This horse did not know the way. Bain had to remain alert but he had ridden this route so many times since joining Lord Makin’s household that he had no trouble traversing it even in the dark. A half-moon provided just enough light for him to avoid boulders and small bushes.
As he reached Nurias’ cottage he spotted his mother emerging to see who might have come. He watched her turn to say something to someone behind her and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Phaera must be there. That was confirmed when she followed Nurias out.
Nurias reached him first. “There is bread pudding and brew on the table. I have work to do out here. Take your time.”
Phaera had remained behind Nurias, looking uncertain. “Thank you, Nurias.” She turned and led the way back into the cottage.
Bain sat on his mother’s cot while Phaera set one of the chairs to face him, a cup of brew in each hand. She handed one to Bain and set hers on the table.
When it became apparent that Phaera would not be the one to open the conversation Bain took a breath. He decided not to hedge and asked his burning question head on.
“I did not wait for an explanation before I left. I need to know. Why did you hide the tea from me?”
Phaera shook her head, though her face was sad more than angry. “I did not hide it from you. I simply did not bring it to your attention.” She looked up at him from her hands which she had been clasping and re-clasping in her lap. “I should have.”
Bain could not hide the edge in his voice. “Yes, you should have. Why did you not? You promised me ‘no secrets’ between us. I trusted you. I thought you trusted me, too. It seems I was mistaken.”
“I was afraid.” She sent him a beseeching look. “I was afraid you would think me a coward, or selfish, or, as seems to be the case, as betraying you - or even my duty.”
Bain bit off the angry retort before it passed his tongue, remembering his talk with his mother. He was going about this all wrong. It took him a long moment to collect himself.
“Let me start over. I came here to find you and to listen. I will try to be silent until I have heard you out. Tell me what I need to know to understand. Why were you afraid?”
Phaera nodded and resumed twisting her fingers as she spoke. “Nurias knew. I had told her some of it before.” She proceeded to explain everything, just as she had with Nurias earlier, but without the tears. She kept her eyes on her fingers, not looking up to meet his until she ended with, “Bain, I have work to do before I die. I am not ready to die. And I fear that is exactly what will happen if I conceive right away. So many choices have been taken from me. I could not risk this one being taken as well, one that might cost me the rest of my life. I feared you would not understand.”
Bain had leaned toward her the entire time she spoke. Now he sat straight, hands pressed, into the blanket on the cot as if to hold himself there. He sat, studying her for some time. When he finally spoke his voice was low.
“I knew you were afraid of childbirth but I had no idea your fear ran so deep. I never considered that you might die giving birth. That possibility never crossed my mind.”
He studied her again before continuing, unable to keep his hurt and confusion from showing in his voice. “I thought that my support of your work, against, as it is, our traditions demanding how a lord’s lady is expected to act, would mean that you … well, that you would agree to try to conceive immediately, that you would support me in my duty to produce an heir. Does that mean so little to you?”
He watched her face crumple and a single tear find its way down one cheek. “I want to do that for you. Truly I do. But I cannot. Not yet. I thought I would know when the time was right. But Nurias has helped me to see that that will never happen on its own. I know I need to face my fear, to trust that I am unlikely to die.” She buried her face in her hands, as new tears spilled over her eyelids, “but I am still so afraid. You must think me a coward.”
Bain had never seen her weep before, never seen her so vulnerable. His hurt melted away. He knelt by her chair and drew her into his arms, where her tears wet his tunic. It took some time for her sobs to subside into sniffles and hiccups.
Finally, as he stroked her hair, he whispered, “Forgive me, my love. I wish that you had not been afraid to speak to me of this.” He felt her nod into his shoulder.
Feeling his legs begin to cramp he half stood, put one arm under her knees and lifted her to sit beside him on Nurias’ cot.
They sat that way, saying nothing, until Bain offered, “Perhaps my mother can help with your fear. She heals more than bodies.”
Phaera sniffled into his shoulder, then looked up at him. “Yes, she has already helped me find the courage to tell you. But I will need some time. Can you grant me some time? Will you wait for your heir for a while?”
Bain hesitated before reaching up to stroke her cheek and lift her chin so he could meet her eyes. “Mama pointed out to me that we are both still very young.” He held her gaze for a moment before adding. “I think we may have some time.”
When she wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered, “I do love you,” he knew he had said the right thing.
Chapter Forty-Four
SPRING
Phaera looked up to see the light frame a familiar figure in the open door of her apothecary. A gust of cold air swept across her ankles.
“Kort! I see the winter has treated you well.” She hurried over to greet him with a hug as he closed the door against the spring chill. “Come warm yourself by the hearth and tell me all about your studies with Nurias.”
Kort strode to the fire and bent to rub his hands together close to the flames. Phaera followed behind. He turned his head to look at her as she came to stand beside him, his face wreathed in a wide grin. “You will not believe it. Nurias, wonder that she is, convinced a birthing mother to allow me to watch, though the woman would not let me touch her. What a miracle birth is.”
“No! Truly? The husband did not prevent it?”
“That is the other wonder. Nurias convinced him to stay as well – to protect his wife’s honour, she said, but she had told me earlier she has long wished men would remain to see their children born. She thinks they would value their wives more if they could see what they have to go through to give them children.” He reached up to remove his hooded fur cloak, folding it across the closest chair. “Ah, it is good to be warm again.”
“What a baby you are. It is not that cold out any more.” She winked at him and reached for the pot sitting on the brazier.
Kort anticipated her, grabbed an empty mug from the table and held it out so she could pour the tea, sage by the aroma. A warming herb.
They each took a chair facing the other in front of the hearth.
“I have missed you these two months. Tell me what Nurias has taught you. Tell me what you learned from visiting people in th
eir homes that I could not teach you here.”
No one interrupted them and they lost track of time as Kort regaled Phaera with all his adventures and she pressed him for details. Only when one of her candles sputtered and died did Phaera exclaim, “Goodness, we will be late for dinner. Come.” She rose and blew out the other candles and the lamps, keeping only one burning in its glass to guide them out and into the castle.
As they passed through the back doors and entered the dungeon Kort remarked. “I see this is no longer guarded. You are no longer considered in danger.”
“Yes, I insisted it was not necessary.” She jangled a heavy ring of keys. “They do insist that I keep the doors locked, however.” Once inside she relocked the heavy doors and hung the keys on their hook in a niche in the side hall, out of sight.
“No prisoners left either, I see.”
“Yes, all the political prisoners have been dealt with. Bain convinced Lord Makin that it would be safer to confine prisoners in the brig at the barracks. He plans to build a separate jail this year behind the barracks, away from the castle.”
As they entered the hallway that led to the sleeping chambers Phaera hailed a maid. “Look who has returned. Please see that a fire is lit in Kort’s chamber and,” she looked in Kort’s direction, “I assume you will be wanting a bath?”
Kort nodded vigorously, grinning. “Indeed. I dare not appear at dinner smelling of horse.”
“Do not linger in the bath. I already smell dinner.” She left him at the door to his chamber and went into her own to change her gown.
Bain arrived to dress for dinner just as she finished. “The stable master informed me that Kort has returned. Have you seen him?”
“Yes, he will be joining us for dinner. He has had a good winter.”
Bain drew Phaera into an embrace. “Good, I look forward to hearing about that.” He studied Phaera’s face for a moment, a worried frown creasing his brow but he said nothing. His expression cleared as he took her hand and said, “Come. Let us go. I could eat a whole sheep.”
They joined Lord Makin and Lady Flor for a lively dinner during which Kort kept them entertained with anecdotes from his studies over the winter.
“The reactions of folk to seeing a man as healer have certainly been interesting.”
Kort’s rueful shake of his head told them it had not been as serious as he had feared. He confirmed that when he said, “The women seem to accept me better than the men, which I found surprising until I thought about it. It makes sense to me now. Women are less bothered by me. When Nurias explains what I am they understand I am no threat to them. The men have greater difficulty with that.”
“But do they believe Nurias? Do they become less suspicious after hearing of your preference? Or do they remain angry?”
Kort looked sad. “It is hard to let them know what I am. So many get angry or try to turn away. If Nurias were not with me I fear I might not have returned in such a good state.” He sighed. “But Nurias is very persuasive. I think she has made several people – women and men – think about - well, about what it means to be who I am, that I am no danger to them.”
Phaera nodded. “I hope that grows, Kort. If you are to be a healer, and be on your own, that will be important.” She gave him an approving look. “I know how much courage it has taken to be open. I also know it is necessary if you are to be accepted as a healer.”
Bain nodded agreement. “But you must be careful.”
“Thank you both. And I will. But I am open not only for myself but for all like me. Our lot is not easy and perhaps, in some small way, this will make it easier.”
Lord Makin and Lady Flor had been mostly silent. Now they both nodded as Lord Makin said, “I hope so. I will admit, until Bain introduced you and stood up for you I was suspicious of you. I trust you now, but that has not come easily.”
“I am most grateful that you do, Milord.” The catch in his voice betrayed the depth of his gratitude.
Chapter Forty-Five
LATE
With each day that Phaera counted her anxiety grew. By the sixth she was snapping at both Bain and Kort for no obvious reason.
On the seventh morning Bain found her huddled on the floor in the privy, arms hugging her knees, rocking back and forth. He began, “What is…” and stopped midsentence, regarded her a moment then followed with, “Oh” before crouching down beside her.
Phaera could not speak but she did not need to. She could tell that Bain knew, and that he knew better than to touch her.
“You will not die, my love. You will not.”
When Phaera did not respond he said, “I will send for my mother. She will help you.”
He reached a hand toward her, offering it for her to take. “Come, you cannot remain here. Let me help you up.”
Phaera looked at his hand. Slowly his words reached her. You will not die. My mother will come. She unwound one arm from where it clamped around her knees and reached out to take Bain’s extended hand. With great effort she uncurled and allowed him to help her stand before letting him wrap his arms around her.
As he rocked her from side to side he whispered into her ear, over and over, “You will not die. Mama will see to it. You will not die. It will be all right.”
It took some time before his touch and voice soothed her enough that her paralyzed body would allow tears to flow. She took strength from his calmness, from his warmth, from the support of his arms holding her close, from his whispered mantra. She was grateful he made no effort to change what he was doing, that he just let her be, let her take all the time she needed.
As her sobs subsided she felt wobbly on her legs and unable to hold herself up. Bain tightened his grip and caught her, lifted her up and laid her on the bed. He lay beside her and pulled her toward him until her head rested on his shoulder. He still said nothing so she did not have to speak, did not have to answer. That felt good. When she began to shiver he pulled the blanket over them both.
It took a long time before she became fully aware that Bain was making no demands but as that awareness found its way into her perception her gratitude grew. As did her trust of Bain. As did her true sense, in body as well as in mind, that he loved her. He would not press her to be brave. He would not give false assurances. He would not expect her to pretend she was not frightened. She let this deeper awareness of his love infuse her. The burden was no longer hers alone. He shared it.
As this new awareness grew so did Phaera’s love for Bain, this man who accepted her as she was, who did not fault her for her weakness, who would stand side by side with her, whatever happened. She was not alone. She finally believed it. And she calmed. She could now also accept herself. With him she had a sanctuary where she need not be brave. She wept anew, this time tears of release, of recognition, of relief.
When those tears were spent she was able to look at Bain. “Yes, Love, send for Nurias. I am ready.”
When she made to get up he hugged her close again before releasing her. “We will get through this together.”
Phaera nodded. “Yes, we will,” and found she believed it. “I may still die but I know I will not be alone.”
When Bain looked about to protest she put her fingers to his lips. “Do not make promises you are not certain you can keep.”
She sat up, accepted a drink of water and discovered she could think again. “Do you think it possible to keep this to ourselves and Nurias for a time? Can we invite Nurias here on a pretense?”
“That may be difficult. People will talk if she is summoned.”
“Then I shall go to her.”
Bain looked startled. “Are you certain? I know you can but you will be alone. I can think of no excuse to go with you without raising suspicion.”
Phaera thought for a moment. “I will take Kort. Since he is studying to be a healer, and has done so with Nurias, that will not look strange.”
Bain nodded, looking relieved. “Then he will need to know.”
“Yes, but he will
say nothing.”
“Good.”
Kort seemed only mildly surprised when Phaera announced that they would visit Nurias but asked no questions until they stopped midway to eat the fare Velna had packed for them.
When Phaera leaned back against the tree that shaded them from the late spring sun and closed her eyes he said, “You look tired. I sense that this outing is not only for pleasure or for my learning.”
Phaera let the unspoken question hang in the air before she opened her eyes and faced Kort. “You are correct, my friend.” She felt the old fear rise as she tried to find the best way to tell Kort. She could tell by the growing concern in Kort’s face that he saw it.
“Kort … I am expecting a child … and I am terrified that I will die as my mother did.”
She watched understanding dawn on Kort’s face. He became very serious. “I see. And Bain does not wish you to be alone and Nurias must be informed.”
“Yes.”
“I know this is what you want. I also understand that it is what you fear most.”
“Yes.”
A silence hung between them until Phaera ventured, “You must tell no one – not yet.”
“You have my word.”
Chapter Forty-Six
WITH KORT AND NURIAS
“Come in out of the cold. That wind has turned raw.” Nurias held the door open and waved her two visitors in. “The kettle is hot. It will take me only a moment to make tea.”
Before Phaera could answer, Kort said, “Perhaps Phaera’s ought to be raspberry leaf.”
Nurias shot Kort a surprised look over her shoulder then turned to face Phaera. “So, it has happened, then?”
Phaera could only give a small nod and whisper, “Yes”.
Altered Destinies- Earth Reborn Page 26