He saw a little of the tension leave Phaera’s shoulders and she sat back.
A sudden recognition, as he watched her, almost made him smile. She has donned my mother’s listening pose. She will say nothing until I have spoken, now. It was just enough distraction to clear his thinking a little. Bit by bit his thoughts became less confused. Finally, he took a preparatory breath and began.
“My love, I am ashamed.”
Phaera’s eyebrows shot up and her eyes widened.
Bain carried on. “You know I can only spend most nights alone with you. Almost all your time is spent with Kort. He is the person you confide your fears to about the birth. He is the one who talks you through those fears when they overtake you.” When Phaera began to shake her head in protest he held his hand up. “No, please hear me out.”
She sat back against the back of her chair again, her expression troubled and bewildered.
“When I knew Kort would be with you I was happy to see him accompany you to my mother, relieved that you would have someone to turn to when I cannot be here. It felt good to know that someone with some knowledge of midwifery would be here all the time.” He watched Phaera’s face but saw no reaction there he could read.
“You see, that is why I am ashamed. My head tells me this is for the best. I know Kort is trustworthy. I also know that you do not confide your fears - or anything important - to your ladies. They would not understand in any case. Even Lady Flor is not told everything as a daughter might her mother. She has borne no children and so cannot understand much of what you experience. So, aside from the visits from my mother, it is Kort who lives each of those moments with you.”
Bain leaned toward Phaera, hands spread wide, pleading. “I suspect that were it a woman who has your ear I might not feel as I do. But Kort, despite his preferences, is still a man. This is also my first child, possibly the heir we so desperately want. I am envious of the time Kort spends with you, the intimacy you share that I cannot, as I am away with my duties. Even were I here, my knowledge of midwifery does not have the depth that Kort’s has.”
Bain stopped for a moment, then added, feeling sheepish, “And Kort is even present during what little time we do have together.”
When Phaera began to open her mouth he held his hand up again to prevent her from commenting. “Yes, I know he is of noble lineage and has every right to expect to dine with us. It is petty of me to resent it. I fear it has also come between Kort’s and my friendship. He deserves better from me, too.”
Bain sat back into his chair, ending with, “I hope you can forgive me, my love.”
Phaera had sat upright again as he spoke and now regarded him with a bewildered shake of her head. “I hardly know what to say.”
Bain watched the play of emotions on her face as she took in his declaration. Will she think me a fool?
Just when Bain thought he could wait no longer Phaera rose from her chair, knelt at his feet, took his hands and placed them under hers above her heart. “Perhaps the fault is not yours alone, my love. It never occurred to me that you might feel less important when I share so much with Kort.” A small crease formed between her brows. “And I think I understand why it might be different if a woman were in Kort’s place. It would never be questioned. It would be expected. Were he a woman you would take his presence for granted.”
“Yes, just so.” Relief flooded Bain’s body.
“But you know he does only what that same woman would do.”
“Yes, and that is why I feel shame.”
Phaera squeezed his hands and kissed them before looking up at him. “So, my love, what are we to do?”
The question caught him by surprise. After thinking about it he found he could smile, almost wanted to laugh. “Why, nothing at all. Kort is welcome at our table. I am glad you have someone so trustworthy to care for you when I cannot.” Now Bain did laugh, a light sound filled with relief. He bent down, pulled Phaera into his lap, and hugged her close. “I have been a fool, my love, but that is gone now. I should have spoken much sooner, but I did not know what it was that bothered me until now. Seeing it for what it is I am able to dismiss it.”
Phaera snuggled her head under his chin and relaxed into him. “Sometimes we do not know what bothers us until it becomes spoken. That is what happened with my fear of giving birth. I never fully understood it until Nurias helped me.”
She lifted her head to meet his eyes. “We must remember not to let such things come between us.”
Bain nodded and kissed her before asking, “And is your fear less, now? And will you share it more with me when it arises?”
Phaera gave him a brilliant smile, just a hint of teasing twinkle in her eyes. “Yes. And yes.”
Bain’s hand had rested on her belly as she spoke. “I feel it. The babe. He moved.” He pressed a little more carefully. “There. Again. My heir moved!”
Phaera laughed, the sound brushing away any lingering doubts about how she felt. “Or your daughter…”
“Ah, you have me.”
More serious Phaera asked, “Will it disappoint you terribly if we have a daughter?”
“Not me, my love. Only that it means you must face this again.”
Phaera stroked his cheek. “I think nature will take care of that.”
“Hmmmm.”
Chapter Forty-Nine
BREAKING TRADITION AND CRISIS
“Yes, I want you to be there.” The look on Bain’s face at her request was so comical Phaera almost laughed aloud. Had the request not been so serious and not flown so far in the face of convention she might have. As it was she simply waited for it to sink in.
Bain’s face grew serious and he sank slowly into the chair behind him.
Phaera joined him in the one opposite. “I suppose I ought to have had you sit before we began.” She leaned toward him. “I know Nurias would approve. She has long felt that men would appreciate their wives more if they could witness the birth of their children.”
“Have you mentioned this to her?”
“No, not yet. I thought you ought to be the first. And you do have some healer training, though not in childbirth.”
Bain gave a thoughtful nod but said nothing.
“Nurias will be there as well, of course. She does not travel far from the castle now that my time draws near.” When Bain still said nothing Phaera began to worry. Did he not want to be present? Did he not understand that she needed his support? “My love, you know how I fear this birth. Nurias does much to calm me but I need you there as well. I feel … it is hard to explain … but it feels like you will hold me here, tether me to this life, that you will not allow me to leave.”
Phaera watched understanding rise in Bain’s face.
“Ah, then of course, I will be present.” He leaned forward to grasp both her hands. “Truth be told, this has been a secret wish of mine. I have not suggested it because I am concerned that the people will see it as weakness on my part – and that you have too much influence over me.” He grimaced. “We have already broken with so many traditions this seemed like one too many.” He gave a rueful grimace before brightening again. “As you know, Mother has been saying that husbands would appreciate their wives more if they saw the birth of their children.” He took her hands. “But I already appreciate you as much as it is possible for a man to.”
“So you want to?”
“More than you can know.” The shadow lifted from Bain’s face and he beamed at her as though making a new discovery. “To see my child brought forth. How wonderful.”
Phaera breathed a sigh of relief until Bain asked, “And what about Kort?”
She shook her head. “No, my love, this is for us alone. I know he has assisted at three births, now, with Nurias, but I want this time to be ours, just ours.”
“Then it shall be.”
Bain grew thoughtful again. “My love, I know that my mother stays close by but it is always possible that someone may need her at the same time that you do. You hav
e some time yet but if the babe chooses to come early she could be assisting someone. May I suggest that Kort remain available as well, in the event that my mother is called away?”
A shiver of fear ran down Phaera’s spine and she whispered, her throat tight, “She must be here.”
“I believe she will be, my love. But we need to be prepared.” He drew her into his arms. “It will be well. I have no fear. And I promise to hold you here. I swear it.”
“Even if they forbid it?”
“I will allow no one to forbid it. You have my oath.”
Though Phaera was aware that he might not be able to keep that promise somehow she chose to believe it and managed to calm herself. “I will have Nurias prepare Kort … for the possibility.”
She felt some of the tension leave Bain.
“All will be well, my love, I truly believe it.”
“As long as you are there.”
“Yes.”
A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. They sat in Phaera’s chamber though Bain was the one who answered.
“Enter.”
It was not Mira who entered but one of the maids that tended to Lady Flor. Her eyes were wide and she stammered as she spoke. “You must come, both of you.”
Bain had already risen from his chair with Phaera close behind him. “What is it, Grella?” They followed close behind as the maid hurried in the direction of Lord Makin’s chambers.
“It is Lord Makin, Milord. Something has happened to him.”
Bain ran past the maid not waiting to hear more. Phaera ran close behind.
Lord Makin lay in the great bed, Lady Flor weeping as she sat on its edge clasping his hand. Two attendants hovered near the door looking lost and worried.
Phaera acted first. “Send for Nurias. Tell her…” She approached the bedside, hesitated, looked at Lord Makin and then at Lady Flor. “Milady, what can you tell me?”
Lady Flor shook as she answered. “We were breaking our fast. He suddenly went limp, he couldn’t speak … Oh, please help him.”
The maid Phaera had addressed stood waiting, wringing her hands. Phaera caught her eye again. “Tell Nurias that it appears Lord Makin has had a brain attack. She must come immediately.”
As the maid hurried away she told another standing by, “I need willow bark tea – quickly. Get me hot water – now.”
Phaera had grabbed her healing basket as they left her chamber. She now opened it and extracted the sac with willow bark in it. She gave Bain a sharp look. He got the message.
“The rest of you. Out.” Bain stopped one maid, “You, inform Captain Reynce and Captain Raskir that Lord Makin is unwell, that Nurias has been summoned and we will send more information when we have it.”
Phaera was relieved that Bain had taken control.
The maid dipped a terrified curtsey, “Yes, Milord”, and hurried away.
When the maid had gone Bain sat on the side of the bed opposite Lady Flor and took Lord Makin’s other hand. He leaned close and searched his father’s face. It was lopsided, his mouth crooked and drooling. Even his right eye drooped. “Father, can you hear me?”
Phaera watched closely and thought she saw a slight squeeze. The one eye Lord Makin could still control rounded on Bain’s face.
Lord Makin’s expression was so distorted that Phaera could not make it out but a look at Bain’s told her how distraught he was. It was well that in this chamber he need not put a brave face on it. She could imagine what must be going through his mind, aside from concern for his father. What if Lord Makin died? Bain would become lord. She knew he did not feel ready, that he believed he still had much to learn. And Lord Makin had appeared so hale that he expected him to be there for many years yet.
Phaera pressed down her own concerns and returned her attention of Lord Makin.
She placed a hand on Bain’s arm. When he looked up she motioned him to stand aside so she could administer the tea. He nodded and withdrew so she could take his place. “Can you lift your head Lord Makin?... No? I see.” She turned back to Bain. “Take Lady Flor’s place and lift him so I can help him drink this.”
She had put the tea in her cup with the spout, the one she used when people could not control their lips. I hope he can swallow.
Lady Flor had pulled away to allow Bain to take her place. He placed an arm under his father’s shoulders in such a way that he also supported his head and lifted him just enough so that Phaera could place the spout between his lips and pour some on the tea into his mouth. She withdrew it when he sputtered and coughed but was relieved to see that some of the tea had been swallowed. Between the two of them they managed to get some more into him before it became clear that he had tired too much to swallow any more.
The door opened to admit Nurias. Bain stepped away to make room for his mother.
Nurias murmured to him as she took his place. “He is in good hands.”
Phaera had forgotten about Lady Flor. Now she became aware of her standing at the end of the bed, wringing her hands, silent tears flowing down her face unheeded.
Phaera beckoned to Bain, indicating Lady Flor with her head. She was relieved when he seemed to understand.
He joined her and placed an arm around Lady Flor’s back in comfort. “Milady, he has the two best healers in the land caring for him. If he can be helped they will do it.”
“I cannot lose him.”
Chapter Fifty
WHAT NOW?
Nurias addressed Phaera. “Good, you have done exactly as I would have. There is nothing more to be done at the moment.” She turned to face the others in the chamber. “Lord Makin needs rest,” and shooed everyone out except Ashin, her apprentice, who had arrived only moments after her.
Later a grim group gathered around the table in the private meeting room outside Lord Makin’s chambers. Lady Flor’s silent tears kept stopping and starting. Nurias helped Lady Flor into a chair and sat beside her. Bain and Phaera had not yet taken chairs but stood facing them.
Phaera understood the depth of Lady Flor’s fear and grief. The man she loved and relied on might never rise again, or even speak again. Phaera wondered about that, too. These sudden attacks were unpredictable, not only in when they would strike, but in whether, how far, and how quickly the victim would recover.
No one spoke for some time. Nurias was the one who broke the silence by telling Bain and Phaera to sit.
Phaera looked across the table at Nurias. She knew that she, too, had loved this man once, likely still did in some way. She was pale but seemed calm and in control. And what do I feel? She allowed herself a few moments during the silence to think about that. He is a good man, the father of my husband. He has shown me kindness. But what will happen if he does not recover? What will that mean for Bain, for me, for our child?
Nurias cleared her throat. “I think we all know how serious this is. You will all have questions. I do not have all the answers but I will be as honest with you as I am able.”
Lady Flor leaned toward her, hands open, beseeching, in front of her, her voice cracking with emotion. “Please tell me he will live.”
The sadness in Nurias voice as she answered said more than her words. “There is nothing I would like more to say but I cannot. A throw of the dice will tell as much as I can. The next day, two days are the most important. If he survives them there is hope that he will live.”
Lady Flor sank back into her chair and wept again, her sobs no longer silent. Nurias, sitting to her left, put an arm around her shoulder but she shook it off.
Phaera also knew what could happen, so did not have any questions for Nurias.
Bain spoke next, his face ashen. “I know his recovery will be slow and that we will not know for some time how far that will go. What is it we must do to keep him comfortable and to help his healing?”
Phaera could see that Bain would not even consider that his father might not survive the night. When she felt the babe kick she understood only too well how important his surv
ival was. She stroked her belly and murmured, just loud enough that all could hear, “He will live. He must. He will see this babe born.”
She could only hope her words would prove prophetic. In any case they had the effect of helping Lady Flor staunch her tears and send her a grateful look.
Bain’s expression mirrored that of lady Flor. He straightened his shoulders. “We need a plan, both for Father’s recovery and care, and for what to tell Captains Reynce and Raskir. I will need to discuss with them how to proceed while Lord Makin is unable to act.”
Nurias turned to him. “The mantle now lies on your shoulders, Bain. And it will remain there until Lord Makin can make his wishes known, or until it comes to you permanently. I believe you can do this, my son.”
Phaera added, “Yes, you have been preparing for this for three years, now. And you trust Captains Reynce and Raskir to advise you. They will not fail you. Rely on them as you did when we were at war.”
She watched Bain’s shoulders come down minimally.
“That is so.”
Though he had made the declaration with a firm voice Phaera could sense the worry behind the declaration.
Bain pushed his chair back. “I must not keep the good captains waiting. “ He turned to Nurias and Phaera in turn. “I know Father is in good hands. Please tell me immediately if there is any change.”
Lady Flor rose, too. “I must be with him. He needs me.”
Phaera was about to prevent her, as Lord Makin needed rest, but Nurias intervened.
“Yes, come sit with him. It will comfort him. He will sense your presence. But you must let him rest.”
Lady Flor sent her a grateful look and hurried ahead of Nurias and Phaera into Lord Makin’s chamber. Phaera took one of the chairs there and set it by the head of the bed so Lady Flor could sit undisturbed. Nurias is right. This is good for both Lord Makin and Lady Flor. She silently chided herself for not seeing it, too.
Phaera asked Nurias to join her in her chamber. “I know there is nothing more to tell me about Lord Makin’s prognosis. I do not know what it is I need or even if you can help me with that. I expect Bain is in shock and wondering what this bodes for him.” She pressed her hands together between her knees. “I must help him. Yet I am so afraid for myself and for our child.”
Altered Destinies- Earth Reborn Page 28