by Willow Rose
Just at that second I spotted someone walking towards our building. He had drawn the hood from his sweater over his head, still I recognized him. My heart dropped. It was Christian Lonstedt. What was he doing here?
I walked to the editorial room and heard his steps on the stairs outside. The door handle turned and his head peeked in. He smiled his dazzling smile.
"Mr. Express!" Sune exclaimed and got up from the chair. "Come on in."
"Am I interrupting anything?" Christian asked.
"No. Just the usual work, you know," Sune said and they made some sort of street-smart handshake. "To what do we owe the honor?"
Christian took down the hood and shivered slightly from the cold. "Nothing. Was just in the neighborhood and wanted to say hi."
I put down my cup of coffee on the desk next to me. "Really?" I said. "That was nice of you. What are you doing all the way out here on a Sunday?"
"Oh I have the day off. No I was here on personal business and just thought I'd come up and congratulate you."
He looked at me kind of examining. I blushed to my own surprise. Why did I do that all of sudden. Why did I feel so self-conscious all of a sudden? This guy annoyed me. Why did I act like a school girl around him?
"Congratulate me on what?" I asked.
"Your articles in today's paper. They were really good. Much better than what we at the Express managed to do with it."
I was a little startled. Was he giving me a compliment and at the same time talking bad about his own work? I shrugged. "Well thank you. That was nice of you." I felt awkward as a silence occurred between the three of us. "Coffee?" I asked.
"Sure. That would be nice," Christian said.
"Grab a chair," I said and went to get all three of us some coffee. "I'm afraid we don't have any cake today," I said as I returned with three cups of hot coffee in my hands trying hard not to spill. "Usually we always have cake but Sara's not here today so ..."
I handed the cup to Christian and he took it. "It's perfectly fine," he said smiling. "Just the coffee is all that I need right now."
I pulled out a chair and sat in front of him while we sipped our coffee. I was beginning to think that I had misjudged the guy. I had taken him for being one of those smart ass clever fast paced journalists who just wanted their name in the paper at any cost. I was beginning to think that it wasn't him but the paper he was working for.
"So how do you enjoy working at the Express?" I asked.
"It's okay, I guess. It's work. Pays the bills."
"Where did you work before?" Sune asked.
"I actually just returned from Zimbabwe. I worked three years for Danida writing their press releases and web page and so on. Then I helped them out where I could in their charity work. You know fed villages and helped them build schools. That kind of stuff."
I swallowed hard. Okay the guy was a saint. And I had taken him for the devil. I felt bad.
"So how on earth did you end up on a paper like the Express?" I asked.
"Well I had one really bad experience while down there. An entire village was burnt to the ground while we were there. The villagers fled to the local church thinking that no one would burn down God's own house, but they did. The attackers blocked the entrance and set it on fire. They made us watch while they did it. To make us understand that anything we did in this country was in vain. We might as well go home, they said. We couldn't change Africa. We heard them burn alive inside of that church. Women, children and we knew every one of them. I especially had gotten to know a small boy who I had thought about trying to adopt and bring with me back to Denmark. He died in there as well. It was really terrible." Christian paused like he needed to shake the experience once again. "So that's why I left. We all did. Went back home. It took me a year in therapy to move on from this. I guess I just took the job I could get. To me it's more about getting out there and working again. Getting back on the horse as we say," he said with a smile and a shy shrug.
"Wow," I said. "That's some story."
"One of those that needs something stronger than coffee, Sune said and got up from his chair. He went to his desk and opened the bottom drawer. He pulled out a bottle of Aalborg Akvavit - Danish schnapps - and three shot-glasses. He put them on the table and poured schnapps in them while I was trying to digest that horrible story. It had really shocked me. Christian had surprised me; he was not at all the guy I took him for.
"Cheers," Sune said and lifted the glass.
"Cheers," Christian and I repeated. Our eyes locked as our glasses touched in the air. I felt a strange sensation. Like he was seeing right through me and I blushed again.
"To friends," Christian said.
"And good colleagues," Sune said. He had noticed how Christian and I were looking at each other, I could tell by the expression on his face. It was like he was frozen in a smile. I avoided looking into his eyes.
"Good colleagues," I repeated and emptied my glass. A warm sensation flowed through my veins.
"Well. I'd better be going now," Christian said and got up from the chair. "It's a nice little place you have here."
"I bet it's not as nice as the editorial room at the Express," Sune said.
Christian put his hood back on to cover his head. It was raining harder now. "Well it's a lot cozier, I tell you that." He turned and looked at me with warmth in his eyes. "So is the company," he said and nodded in my direction. "See you around."
Chapter 19
Fat Linda was - as her nicknamed strongly implied - fat. She knew it and everybody else knew it. She hadn't always been like this though, she thought as she leaned back in her recliner that she could hardly fit into anymore. She picked up the second bag of chips today and grabbed out a handful that she dipped in ice-cream before they ended their day with the rest - crushed between her teeth then devoured and flushed down with liters of soda.
No, once Fat Linda Nielsen had been a normal girl, a young woman of a normal size and proportion. She had even been a happy young woman back then.
Linda chewed and channel-surfed the TV while trying hard not to think about that time. But it was hard not to.
She had been a nurse. A really good nurse once. The patients had liked her. She had helped them, talked to them and she had liked it. She liked that someone needed her and wanted her. It felt good to be needed.
Now she was stuck to this stupid chair all day reduced to this huge enormous creature that could hardly move. That hardly bothered to move anymore.
Fat Linda sighed and put the remote down. She stared at her lumpy legs underneath the bags of chips and pizza boxes. How had she ever ended up like this? She could hardly recognize herself any longer. These weren't her legs. How could they be? They looked nothing like those long tanned slim legs she had shown every summer riding her bike through town. They used to be her finest feature and cause all men to turn and stare at her. Now they were white and clumpy and made her waddle when she walked.
Why she had ended up like this, she wasn't sure. But it had started many years ago. Twenty years ago to be exact. She still remembered it vividly. The craving had come like a pulse from inside. Whenever she had thought about ... whenever she had thought about what she had done. That was when the longing for comfort had started. She had suddenly begun overeating, just stuffing her face with whatever was in the fridge or the cabinets. Then she went out to buy more to eat in front of the TV, alone while crying. The crying would make her eat even more. She would eat till she couldn't feel the desire to cry anymore, till she felt nothing at all, only the wonderful peaceful sensation of complete numbness. That was the fix she was looking for when she ate: to be utterly emotionless.
She only wanted all the unhealthy stuff. It was never carrots or apples or just normal food that she craved. It was only the greasy stuff, the things packed with sugar or fat that would comfort her. It did make her feel better - at least for a little while. Then the craving would return and she would start all over.
It had only taken her a few
months to get really fat. Then she had lost her job and soon the ability to work at all. Now she received welfare from the state. It wasn't much, just enough to pay for her enormous consumption. Now she never had to move except to go shopping for more food every now and then. That was the worst part, the getting up, walking all the way, the stares and little children pointing their fingers at her. Linda knew she was a monster in their eyes and she loathed herself just as much as they did.
Fat Linda turned off the TV and exhaled. Even bathing had become quite the challenge. But it had to be done, and Fat Linda had started smelling from between the rapidly growing folds of flesh on her body. There were places she wasn't even able to reach anymore. Her social-worker had realized that it was a problem and signed her up for help. Now they sent some guy every week to give her a bath. It was embarrassing for Fat Linda not to be able to take care of herself anymore at the age of only forty-six. But she didn't know how to reverse things. She didn't know how to get back to real life. She didn't even know if she wanted to anymore. She had been away too long and it was too late for her. Besides, you couldn't reverse things done in the past. That much she knew, she thought as there was a knock on the door.
Fat Linda never even bothered to lock the door anymore, since it had become so hard to get up from her chair lately. Now she left it open so the pizza delivery guy could just walk right in and place her food on the table.
"Come on in," she yelled.
The handle turned and the door opened slowly. A face appeared. He was smiling. Fat Linda smiled back. Even if bathing had become a problem for Fat Linda, she truly enjoyed her new friend that the social worker had sent to help her out.
"Ready for your bath?" he asked and walked closer.
Fat Linda nodded and reached out her hand. "If you could just ..."
The man stepped closer and grabbed her hand. A shiver went through her body. She hadn't been with a man in many years.
He strained himself as he pulled her arms and helped her get out of the chair. Then he helped her waddle out to the bathroom.
Chapter 20
Fat Linda really liked Svend, maybe even so much that the thought to stop overeating for his sake went through her mind as he undressed her. He pulled her shapeless dress over her head and then he pulled off her bra and panties. He was always so gentle with her and made sure she was comfortable. What she liked the most about him was that he never seemed to dislike her or what she looked like. He didn't look at her with disgust like she was used to. He even smiled when he saw her naked and it sometimes made her blush. He made her feel things she hadn't felt in years.
The water was running in the bathtub filling it up. Svend had put in bubbles for her and bath salts to make her feel good. He held her hand to support her and helped her to slowly sink into the hot bubbly water.
Fat Linda closed her eyes and exhaled deeply as the water covered her huge body and made it feel light for once, like she was much smaller than she really was. Her knees ached from carrying all that extra weight and her heart was racing in her chest from merely moving, but it was only for a few seconds more. The bath would calm her body down.
Svend had brought a couple of red candles that he now lit and then shut off the light in the bathroom.
"There you go. This is much nicer," he said. "Enjoying it?"
"Mmm," she nodded with her eyes closed.
In her mind she was twenty-five again and she had just met Jonathan. He was tall and handsome and he liked her. He took her dancing, he took her to expensive restaurants and he met her parents. They took bicycle rides and picnicked in the forest. They laughed and enjoyed each other's company immensely. Jonathan was the love of Fat Linda's life. The one and only love she had ever encountered.
Fat Linda opened her eyes as Svend started washing her body with a washcloth. It felt so good, but at the same time she was extremely embarrassed as she felt him lift her folds of flesh to wash underneath them. She felt a pinch in her stomach when she realized that his hand almost disappeared under her skin. Like it was swallowed by her fatty lumps. She closed her eyes again and leaned her head back. Oh how she loathed herself and what she had become. But she could not go back. She could never be who she used to be. No Fat Linda had chosen this life for herself and now she had to live it until her body couldn't sustain it any longer, till it gave up. She deserved it for what she had done. It was only just.
"There, you're all clean," Svend interrupted her chain of thoughts.
Fat Linda opened her eyes. Svend smiled. It was a smile of mercy and pity, not love.
He doesn't like you; she heard that small thin voice in her mind say. Nobody does. Nobody ever will. You're not worth loving. Not anymore. You never will be again.
Fat Linda exhaled and watched Svend as he pulled out something from his bag. It was a book. He smiled politely as he sat on a chair next to her. She was just another job to him. Another pathetic patient who needed his help. Fat Linda knew that better than anybody. She had been like him when she had been a nurse. She had smiled the same way to her patients and let them know that they were liked and that she wasn't disgusted by them. She spoke in a nice tone of voice and made them believe she really cared about them. But she didn't. How could she? Who could care about someone like them? Nobody wanted them. Still they hadn't deserved what they had done to them.
"What are you reading?" Fat Linda asked.
Svend smiled again. "It's called Under the burning sun," he said. "It's really good."
Fat Linda smiled and nodded. She used to read, she loved reading. Romance novels mostly. Maybe it would bring her some joy back in her life if she tried to read again? The thought of once again escaping into different worlds and becoming different people intrigued her immensely. She needed the escape. The food just didn't do it for her any longer. Not like it used to.
"If you'd like I could get you some books from the library next time I come," Svend said as if he had read her mind.
"I’d like that a lot," Fat Linda said feeling a warmth rise inside of her by his kindness.
Svend looked at his watch. Then he got up from the chair. "You know what? I’ve totally lost track of time. I'd better get you up now. I have another patient that I have to be with in five minutes. I'm so sorry but you know we don't have long between visits in Home Care. Here let me take your hand and help you up."
Fat Linda sighed. She was really enjoying soaking in the hot water. It was such a nice change from just sitting and eating and watching TV.
Svend tilted his head. "Are you coming?" he said.
Fat Linda shook her head. "No. I want to stay. Go ahead and see your other patients, I'll get out on my own."
Svend looked at her with disbelief.
"It's okay, damn it," she said. "I'm forty-six years old. I should be able to get out of my bath on my own. You've done what you needed to do. You've washed me in places I can't reach. Now I want to do this on my own. I know I can. I don't want to be helpless for the rest of my life. I want to be able to do stuff on my own. I want to get out of this huge body that I don't even recognize anymore. I want to get back to who I used to be. I want to get better."
Fat Linda was crying now.
Svend kneeled next to her and held her hand. "You have no idea how excited I am to hear that," he said. "I’ll tell Louise, your social worker, and let her know that you're ready to move on with your life." He padded her voluptuous arm gently. "This is really good, Linda. You have an entire life ahead of you and you should be able to enjoy it."
"Now just leave me alone," she said sobbing.
"Are you sure? I still have a few minutes left."
"Just go. I’m fine. I want to do this."
Svend hesitated. Then he got up. "As you wish," he said.
He grabbed his backpack from the floor and swung it over his shoulder. "See you next Sunday, then?"
Fat Linda nodded and Svend left her in the bathtub. She felt at once humiliated and liberated. It had to stop now; she thought and stared down at h
er body. The bubbles were gone and now she saw the brutal reality of her own oversized flesh. It was time for a change. It was now or never.
Fat Linda closed her eyes one last time before she would try and get out of the tub on her own. She was gathering her strength thinking about herself losing all that weight and being able to do even ordinary things like go for a walk or maybe even ride on her bike again? She opened her eyes and smiled at the thought. Could she have a normal life again? Was it possible? Had she suffered long enough to finally be forgiven?
Maybe she had, she thought as her eyes glanced upon someone standing in the bathroom. A woman, dressed in a sparkling blue evening gown. Fat Linda's heart dropped. Those eyes, she thought to herself. She had seen them before. She had seen them in that operating room staring at her. Those were the eyes she had tried so hard to forget all of those years.
When the woman came closer and lifted the scalpel Fat Linda suddenly remembered everything. She relived it like a flash in her mind. The pain, the torment of knowing.
She also knew that she was going to die.
"I know why you're here," Fat Linda whispered with a shivering voice. Then she felt the sensation of plastic from the gloves around her neck holding her down while the scalpel came closer to her eyes.
Blood soon colored the bathwater and not long after Fat Linda finally reached her goal of twenty years. She became numb and would never feel anything again.
Chapter 21
Abdul Hussein hated to deliver pizzas. He hated everything about it. The driving around on his small scooter with all the stickers advertising "Pizza Mamma Mia", the stench from the boxes that was always in his clothes and hair, the costumers who were always dissatisfied and thought he was too late, too slow and too stupid. The remarks, the scolding and yelling, the old women trying to seduce him. He loathed everything about it. He especially hated his father for forcing him to work every day after school and every weekend when Abdul would much rather hang out with his friends and go to the arcade or look at girls at the marina. Abdul really wanted a life like all of his Danish friends, but his father never understood that.