by Shey Stahl
He didn’t even blink at my admission of the truth.
“You wouldn’t have been mad…” I gathered, wanting to punch myself.
“No, I wouldn’t have.”
I didn’t deserve an ounce of forgiveness, but he didn’t care. That wasn’t what it was about. I saw him struggling before me with his decisions, his regrets, my regrets, and I just wanted to be in love like I was with him, held in place by his love, a love he never wanted to give, but gave just as hopelessly.
It seemed stupid, stubborn, and wasteful to get caught up on it. We had an opportunity here.
He drew away slightly, but I wouldn’t let him and clung tighter. He wanted my stare and pushed me back, again. “I’m sorry for everything and you having to see that kiss.”
“I know.” Rager looked down, his lashes fluttered before he looked up at me, eyes wide. “I know…” I took an uneven breath as his eyes moved over my face. “I love you.”
This time, I returned the words. “I love you, too.”
“What happens now?” Rager’s lips pressed to my forehead, and then he stepped back.
“With us?”
“No… you’re not getting away this time.” He gestured to my stomach by lowering his eyes to my bump, his hand touching tentatively against me. “I meant with the baby.”
My eyes closed at the feeling of Rager’s hand on my bump, and what this meant. He wanted me, and this baby.
Control your tears. Control them!
“I go to the doctor for an ultrasound in a week.” And then I thought, maybe, he would want to be involved in that part of this. “Would you like to go?”
The corners of his mouth twisted into a faint grin. “I would.”
Chase Vehicle – In off-road racing a non-competing car follows the competitors to assist with repairs.
I WAS GOING to be a dad.
A father to someone.
I told myself it wasn’t a big deal that the world didn’t know, it mattered that I had Arie, finally, and she and I knew.
I told myself that, but it didn’t always work.
I couldn’t wrap my head around the thought of being a dad, let alone how I felt or what I should have said to Arie.
What would I say to her dad?
What would I say to the media when they asked?
So much of Arie and I was a dirty secret to them, now what?
It couldn’t have looked much worse on my part, and I never wanted that rap as the man who broke up their marriage.
It was easy to think this could be us forever, lying in each other’s arms and knowing in just a few months, she’d be mine and I wouldn’t have to hide any longer.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” she asked, smiling at me.
Lacing my fingers with hers as we laid on the floor in her room, I kissed her knuckles. Everything inside of me knew how this was going to end, but to have her, I’d do anything, go through anything. “I’ll go along with whatever you want…as long as I have you in return.”
“You will.” Her hand dropped to her stomach. “You have us.”
I could kiss her in public and not have to worry about what anyone would think.
It’d been a few weeks since that day when she told me this baby growing inside her was mine. I was curious about it. I’d seen Bailey, Lily, and Hayden when they were pregnant, and though I never saw myself as a father, I wasn’t opposed to the idea.
“Have you been to the doctor and seen the baby?” I asked. We weren’t exactly keeping up the conversation that morning, but then again, I enjoyed times like this when it didn’t seemed forced.
“No, but I heard the heartbeat.” She smiled softly, her hands were on her stomach, both of them, holding the baby.
“Have you felt the baby move?” My left hand moved over the bump, but felt nothing more than a swollen stomach.
“I feel huge,” she groaned, twisting her head to look at me.
Rolling to the side, I faced her completely now, my head propped up by my hand, the other one still on her stomach. Burying my head in her neck, I growled softly. “I hope you get really fat.”
She sighed. “Ugh!”
“It’ll be hot.” Wrapping my arm around her neck, gently, my lips pressed to the top of her head. “What do you think it is?”
“A girl.” Turning her head, she kissed my lips. “I had a dream about her. She has your eyes.”
A girl. Well I’m fucked.
“Mmmm.” My lips moved delicately against hers, wanting to deepen the kiss, but taking it slow. “Should I take shooting lessons now?”
“Yeah, you might want to start brushing up on your skills.”
Arie shifted on the floor, complaining about how sore she was, and then regarded me curiously. I knew what was coming. She’d been trying for days to get me to sleep in her bed. I’d slept on the floor, the couch, even fell sleep on the lounge chairs outside one night. Never the bed.
“Why won’t you sleep in the bed?”
“Because that’s his bed.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of her expression. It wasn’t sad, but it wasn’t happy either. Confused maybe? “I’ll buy a new one.”
“Great idea,” I laughed against the soft skin of her bare shoulder. “I’m really good at burning stuff. I could help you out.”
“I’m sure you could,” she snorted, sitting up. “Do you want to move in?”
Did I want to move in? I did.
I rolled onto my back and gestured around the room with a flick of my wrist, eyebrows raised. “Here, with you?”
“Yeah…”
I offered a smile. “I don’t know… that’s kinda a big deal. Like a big step.”
She looked confused, her brow drawn together. “And having a baby together isn’t?”
“Not as big a deal as moving in together.”
“How do you figure?”
Sitting up beside her, I bumped my shoulder into hers, rocking her sideways. “It’s just not.”
“Fine.” Standing, she reached for the throw on the end of the bed, wrapping it around her naked body. “You stay living at your parents’ house.”
A deep inhale expanded my chest as I raked my eyes down her curves. So goddamn sexy. “If you let me stick it in your ass, I will.”
Just let me, baby. It’d be so good and you know it.
Momentarily, she actually looked like she was considering it, and then shrugged. “Nah, you gotta marry me first.”
Funny thing was, I’d never done it either. But I wanted to.
I stood myself right then and took the few steps to bring my body to hers. My hands slid around her hips and to the curve of her ass. “I’ll propose right now.”
“Stop it.” She slapped at my chest, backing away from me with her index finger pointed at me, those soft pink cheeks twisted into a smile. “I have a doctor’s appointment today. And you need to go give your release form to my dad so you can be cleared for the next race.”
“Fine. But we’re talking about this again.”
“Uh huh.” And then she disappeared into the bathroom giving her ass a little shake just to tease me.
She was so fucking dirty but I loved it.
LATER THAT MORNING while Arie was with Bailey doing whatever it was they did on mornings we were in town, I went to the shop to hand Jameson my clearance form I was given at my check-up on Monday. For the last three weeks, I had sat out of the races due to a concussion suffered in that wreck at Grays Harbor.
Jameson was in a meeting with Easton when I showed up, and Willie and Tommy were in the shop loading the tool carts and spare engines into the back of my hauler.
They both stopped what they were doing and talked about the last month of racing. Axel had been dominating the series and was on a five-win streak leading into Port Royal.
“If you stare at it long enough, maybe it’ll load itself.” Easton teased when he came down the hall seeing Tommy, Willie, and me standing near my sprint car.
Easton was a
fucking tool because he was that driver who never got his hands dirty. Bitch boy probably couldn’t even throw a punch. He came from open wheel racing, like me, but he forgot how to be an open wheeler.
Now everything was handed to him. All he had to do was get in and drive. When it was over, he flew to the next city in the comforts of his private jet.
Not me.
I busted my ass at the track, obsessed over the track and every rut, spent a good twenty minutes before the features staring at dirt for Christ’s sake, just to determine where the fastest line would be. I was that guy bustin’ knuckles on wrenches.
And then here a guy like him showed up right before the race straight out of his air-conditioned motor coach to his air-conditioned car.
“What are you…too good to take off your shades around the boss man?” Tommy ribbed, looking at Willie and I for support.
I laughed. Of course I fucking laughed.
Look at this douche, sunglasses in the shop? Who the fuck did he think he was?
Bet this dick bag fucks the model with them on.
“What the fuck are you laughin’ at?” Easton glowered at me, challenging in his stance, his sunglasses now pushed up on top of his head. I wanted to knock the damn things off his face on pure principal.
Keep your cool, man.
I hated how Arie was still tied to him legally, and I needed to keep my head a little.
Rubbing my hand down the side of my jaw, I leaned back against the cherry picker behind me. “You.” I made eye contact with him, my voice low compared to his. “I’m laughing at you. You’ve let things go so far to your head you got no clue.”
“So what…you think you’re the man now? You think you’re the good guy because I fucked up?”
“No. I didn’t say that. I’ve always been the better guy.” Crossing my arms over my chest, I gave him a nod. “You know that, too.”
“Fuck you.” He glared at me with a cockiness. Smug bastard. “Get out of my face. I didn’t come here for this shit.”
Go ahead, wink at me like you did last time. Do it. I fuckin’ dare you.
My lips curved into a smile, his words entertaining to me. I was fuckin’ baiting him, and he knew it. “Is that your answer for everything?”
He snorted, his left hand reached up to swipe his thumb over his nose. Tool. “No…but it’s apparently yours.”
There was some meaning behind that. Made me laugh. He knew I fucked his wife. In fact, it killed him to think about it. It didn’t matter to him that he stepped out first. It mattered that his wife did too. As if something precious was taken. In his eyes, I bet it was seen that way. And now that Arie was pregnant with my child, well, he had no other choice but to see it as I took what was his. Though it wasn’t like that at all. She was mine all along.
“Back off, Sweet.” His stone cold expression was controlled, but fading in some ways. “I’m not in the mood for your bullshit.”
Back off?
Like that was going to happen. I hooked him now and he knew it.
“Why’s that, champ? Model outta town?”
His head bent forward and he smiled, knowing I’d bring that up, his hand squeezing the back of his neck. “Fucked my wife lately?”
Yeah, last night. And this morning.
You know, I admired his bluntness to the question, but there was absolutely nothing amusing about that statement. But I laughed despite that.
“I wouldn’t call it fucking. What I give her is so much more. But you know that already. She certainly hasn’t been on your dick lately, has she?” I moved closer so my breath hit his face, my eyes trained on his, low, mean, anything he was willing to see. “First time she came…” I smiled, tilting my head, I made sure he was looking at me. “She was dry humping me in the pits of Vegas…She was so fucking wet my jeans were soaked.”
He has a visual all right.
To my right, Tommy and Willie chuckled. I knew I needed to watch my mouth around them, but they already knew Arie and I had been messing around.
You could see Easton’s head spinning, contemplating the lies he had told, the ones she believed for so long when he was the one steppin’ out from the beginning.
What pissed him off, if you asked me, was that I could handle a girl like Arie. He couldn’t. He didn’t know the first thing about getting her off. A girl like Arie, she wanted controlled in bed. She wanted to know you could handle her wild ways. Easton couldn’t.
I knew he was going to hit me. I was counting on it really, because then I wouldn’t feel guilty about defending myself. Last thing I needed was him suing me for assault or it fucking up Arie’s divorce from him.
His head spun and I knew I had to send him over the edge a little more. “The best part was her begging me to give her more.”
I knew it was coming, but I let him do it anyways. His chest heaved once, hauling in a breath, his jaw clenching with the action. Drawing back his fist, he hit me.
It stung, but I wouldn’t say it was painful.
Pain was loving a girl like Arie and having her break your heart.
Pain was watching a seven-year-old little boy bleed to death in the arms of his grandfather and not being able to help.
Pain was letting your girl love someone else just so she could be happy, while you died a little every time he kissed lips that belonged to you.
Pain was love and every fucking beat in your chest it took to stand back, take the high line, rev up, and let go.
So no, this pain meant nothing.
Spitting blood to the side, he got one good hit on me. Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I eyed him carefully, squaring up. “You got your one shot.”
Knocking his sunglasses from his face, I lunged for him, but still, I held back. You couldn’t piss a guy like me off with just a punch. In my world, punching someone wasn’t any different than shoving someone. I’d been hit more times than I could remember with my smart-ass fuck-off attitude that sparked tempers.
Most every fight I’d ever been in was always the same. You threw some punches, landed ‘em, and then deflected a few. Maybe they got one in, or two, but not many landed solid ones on me. Easton had one good right hook to my mouth. Split my lip wide open, and I tasted blood immediately. Stung too.
But then he went for blood if you asked me. It wasn’t even a fight after that. It was revenge, rage, blindness to the outside world, and hazy thinking.
“What is your problem, Sweet? What do you want from me?” Easton asked, his hands fisting in my shirt, cotton tearing where it gave way.
“Your wife.” I shoved him away from me again, this time he stumbled, but caught himself against the engine hoist. “And I got her this time.”
“Keep the bitch,” he barked, stepping forward, eyes wild and crazy like he didn’t even know what he was saying. “I’m about done with her anyways.”
My body froze when those words hit me, unstable breaths attempting to calm me down, but there was no use. Not now. I was being fueled by the adrenaline inside.
My stare swept to his, his eyes skimmed over me, mine burned darker, head held up and chest puffed out. My fists flexed.
Did he see the wasted words in my head, spinning, knowing he was that worthless piece of shit I’d always known him to be?
That was how you pissed a guy like me off.
Keep the bitch?
Bitch?
BITCH?
I went at him, my left shoulder slamming into his stomach. We collided against the cherry picker and somehow hit the release and dropped the engine to the ground. I didn’t care.
He might have gotten in that one solid hit to my mouth, but after that, him calling Arie a bitch, I lost all sense of stability and started throwing punches as hard as I could. Blunt force, fisting shirts, grunts and curses delivered with bloody knuckles, cut lips, swelling eyes, neither one of us were willing to let this go.
My head twisted around words Arie had said to me over the years, things that led to this and why I despised East
on so much. Blood boiled in my veins, my fists conveying years of regret, hurt, fucking hatred…
“I’m getting married.”
I’m dying.
“Maybe I don’t care what he’d do.”
I don’t.
“You want this as bad as I do.”
So fucking bad, baby.
“I’m done.”
I’m wasted.
“I’ll show you the sweet spot, baby.”
Show me.
“Stay, Rager. Always stay.”
Always.
“What was this?”
It was everything.
Everything.
Tommy and Willie looked on, wondering if they should break us up, nervously taking in the destruction and moving shocks that’d fallen on the floor out of our way.
“I’m pregnant…It’s yours.”
I’ll never let go.
When they stepped forward, my glare told them to back off, knowing there was no breaking this up. It was a long time coming. It was years of him never knowing what he had until I showed him just how fucking much she was worth.
Take it, fucker. Take back everything you’ve taken from her.
Blood trickled from his face, down his chin as he fought back, his hands fisting and pushing, desperate to get me off him. When he did, I came back just as strong, adrenaline filled and looking for an end.
“You have to fucking say it. Tell me you want me, too. Tell me you’re mine.”
I connected hit after hit, as did he, an even battle of hatred, regret, betrayal, need, will, sacrifice…reckless confidence.
“Tell me you don’t want this, and I’ll let you go.”
Drawing my fist back, I hit him again, and again, and again…this wasn’t anger. No, it was far past that. This was denial that I would ever be anything more, and knowing all along, I was, but he was in my way.
Love…it made you react; it made you stay, fight, forgive, forget, need…decide.
“One night with me doesn’t mean anything. But if I can have just one night, or even ten nights, I’ll take what I can get while I can. I don’t care how that makes me look.”