by A L Crouch
“What is it Gram?” I asked.
“It’s not right. It’s missing something.” Gram looked back at the counter full of ingredients. “But I can’t seem to remember what else . . .”
I studied her face for a moment and then walked to the spice rack and pulled out the nutmeg and brought it to Gram. “Is this what’s missing?”
Gram’s eyes grew wide. “Why yes, that’s it exactly! How could I have forgotten my secret ingredient? Thank you dear.” She sprinkled some in. “The trick is to add just a pinch. Too much will overpower the cinnamon.”
My heart threatened to break. I had missed so much time with Gram, and I had learned the hard way to cherish the ones you have while you still have them. How could I have stayed away so long?
When Gram pulled the cookies from the oven I waited until they had cooled just enough to pull one off the rack to taste. They were better than my memory had served. Eat bite was filled with sweet and spicy heaven laced with love. Gram oozed with delight at my obvious satisfaction as Sulley came back into the kitchen.
“Best damned smell in the world,” he said and grabbed a cookie off the cooling rack.
“How about some milk?” Gram offered.
“Actually Mom, it’s getting pretty late. I should really be getting our guest home so you can get some rest. I’m sure it’s been a long day for you both.”
I glanced at the clock above the stove. Time had flown so fast. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want this familiar feeling to end. This feeling of belonging. The thought of facing my empty house made me want to stay even more, but I knew that Gram needed her rest and I remembered the wine waiting for me in the truck. That offered some comfort anyway.
“Yeah, I should be going. I’ll be back real soon,” I said.
“Well you’re not going anywhere without taking some of these cookies with you,” Gram said, and dropped a dozen into a small paper sack and walked us to the door.
“I’ll be back in a bit Mom. Call me on my cell if you need anything. Remember, the number is by the phone,” Sulley said and then went ahead to start up the truck.
Gram handed me the bag of cookies and wrapped me up in a hug. She gave me her usual pat on the back and leaned in close.
“It was so nice to have you over again, Tina,” She said against my ear.
I shot upright and looked into Gram’s smiling face, puzzled.
“Tina?”
“Now you make sure and come back and help me bake some more cookies,” she said with an oblivious smile.
I stood there stunned, unable to speak.
She let go of me and leaned in close a second time.
“He loves you, you know. That’s why he had to do what he did.”
I could only stare at her, dumbfounded, for a minute. I opened my mouth to correct her, to tell her that I wasn’t Tina. I was Tina’s daughter. But I remembered what Sulley had said and decided not to argue. I didn’t want to upset Gram by telling her she was confused so instead I kissed her on the cheek and got into the truck with Sulley. Gram waved goodbye as we pulled out of the driveway. I waved back, contemplating what she had said.
“She called me by Mom’s name,” I said. “She thought I was Mom the whole time.”
Sulley glanced and me and nodded solemnly. “Yeah. I knew she was stuck in the past when she called me Sullivan. She hasn’t called me by my full name since before the accident.”
“It was still a wonderful time, I just . . . I really thought she remembered me.”
“I’m sure that somewhere in that marvelous mind of hers, she does. Somewhere inside there, she remembers everything,” Sulley said.
“I hope so,” I said still shaken.
“Did she say anything else?”
“Yeah, it was weird. She said, ‘He loves you and that’s why he had to do it.’ What do you think that means? You think she was talking about Gary?” I asked.
Sulley brooded for a minute. “Ah, who knows. Like I said before, sometimes it just doesn’t make any sense. You just have to shrug it off. Besides all of that, today was a really good day. We should just hang onto that.”
I sighed. “You’re right. Tonight was perfect.”
“Yes it was. So good to have you back,” Sulley said, smiling.
It was a six-minute drive from Sulley’s house to mine if you took a small gravel road that cut through the neighborhoods and surrounding forest. Mom had never been willing to take the shortcut at night when the road was dark as pitch and the dust from the gravel dimmed the headlights making the drive slow and eerie. Sulley took the road without hesitation and switched on his fog lights, which did little to overcome the oppressive dark that surrounded us.
Soon the gravel dumped us onto a side road in my neighborhood and I was relieved to see street lights once again. When we pulled up to the house I made a mental note to keep the porch lights on before going out from now on. The house looked macabre dressed in the shadows cast from the moonlight against the trees. I climbed out of the truck and Sulley hopped out behind me.
“Don’t forget your survival kit,” he joked and grabbed my bags from the back seat.
“Wouldn’t dare,” I said taking them from him. “Also, I don’t have a key to the house, not that I really need it around here, but I’d guess I’d feel better if I had one.”
Sulley unraveled a key from his ring. “Don’t know why I didn’t think of that. Take mine. I have a spare back at the station if you ever lock yourself out. You going to be okay tonight? Don’t think I have to remind you that you’re welcome back at our place . . .”
I grinned and raised my bags. “I’ll be fine. Got my survival kit, remember?”
I turned towards the house and then back to Sulley, remembering the night before. “You didn’t happen to come back by last night did you?”
Sulley got back into his truck and turned to me with concern. “No, why did you hear something last night? Get spooked?”
“It was nothing. Must have been dreaming, that’s all.”
“Well I hope it was a good dream then.” He laughed. “I’ll pick you up around nine on my way to the station. Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“You got it. See ya.” I waved and went inside as the truck pulled out of the driveway with a roar.
The first thing I did was to turn on all the lights in the living room and kitchen before taking my bags to the counter. I opened one of my bottles of wine immediately and contemplated whether or not to use a glass. Deciding that the last thing I needed was a repeat of last night’s overindulgence, I grabbed a glass with monitoring of proportion in mind. Moderation was key, I reminded myself even as I downed half the glass in one gulp and topped it back off.
Grabbing a cookie from the paper sack, I leaned against the counter. Today had been a great day. I closed my eyes and savored each cinnamon flavored memory. However, the sting of disappointment that Gram had thought I was my mother lingered on my mind. And what had she meant by, “that’s why he had to do it?” What had Gary done? I wondered, but shrugged it off. Sulley was right, it could be anything.
I took another drag from my glass and topped it off once more before grabbing one of the books I probably wouldn’t read and I heading upstairs. Deciding to leave the lights on, I made sure not to glance at the piano as I passed through the living room. I would be damned if my emotions were going to get the best of me tonight.
With my hands full, I was unable to switch on the light on the second floor hallway, so I took to speed walking to the master bedroom. I almost made it to the end of the hall when a loud creak followed by an even louder thud made me jump and stopped me abruptly with a squeal.
In the dark I could see that something was now blocking the doorway to the master bedroom. My heart beat faster and I hesitated and watched in silence for further movement. When there was none, I set the book on the floor and searched with my hand for the hall light at that end of the hall.
When I flipped it on I could see that the attic
door overhead had opened and the pull-down ladder lay extended to the floor, blocking entrance to the bedroom. I was relieved that was all it was, but how had it opened by itself? Maybe Sulley or the last tenant hadn’t shut it all the way and the movement in the house caused it to fall open? That had to be it. I took another swig of my wine and set it down on top of the book.
“What the hell,” I said with a sigh and started up the ladder, the wine spurring my confidence.
When I reached the top I found the chain for the light and pulled it, illuminating the mostly empty space surrounded by fluffy pink insulation. Pulling myself into the space, I took inventory. There was a medium sized box in the corner, an old vacuum cleaner, and a few Christmas decorations scattered throughout. I made my way on my knees to the cardboard box.
When I reached it, I brushed the dust from the top and peeled away the faded brown tape. The first thing I saw was a framed picture of me posing with my mother, which I remembered used to hang in the upstairs hallway. With a gasp I and yanked it from the box, studying the picture as an archeologist would an ancient artifact.
I owned only a couple of pictures of my mom from the years right before she died. My aunt had shown me plenty from her childhood, but this photograph had captured my mother not much older than I was now. Her long hair hung about her shoulders in blonde waves and her smile revealed the future of possibilities laid out before her. I stared in amazement. I did look just like her. Even though my own hair was shorter and a deep shade of chocolate brown, our eyes matched exactly, both a light shade of maple. Same sloping nose, same full mouth.
I tore my gaze away from the photo and reached into the box again, pulling out old school work and awards, a yearbook from third grade and another from fourth, and setting them aside. I felt around the bottom of the box and found a small piece of folded white paper. As I unfolded it I recognized it as my baptism certificate. Printed on it was the church emblem, the date, and my own signature, written in purple crayon.
I flipped the certificate over. On the other side was a drawing, also done in crayon, of a man. He was dressed in black and had a head of short black hair. Bigger than any other features of his face were his striking blue eyes.
I brought my hands to my mouth with a gasp and dropping the certificate, remembered the figure in had seen in the piano. Those were the same blue eyes. I shook my head and almost laughed aloud. The wine. It messed with my head last night, and it was messing with me now.
I plucked the certificate off the floor and giving one final look, folded it and tucked in under my arm before gathering all the contents of the box and throwing them back in. Dropping the certificate on top, I pushed the box to the attic entrance and carefully carried it down, turning off the light and shutting up the attic. Setting the box next to my bed, I went back for my book and quickly downed the remaining wine. I washed my face and brushed my teeth in the bathroom, all the while thinking about those piercing blue eyes.
By the time I climbed into bed, the wine had done its job and my mind was growing increasingly drowsy. Instead of starting my book, I found myself reaching into the box for the certificate. Laying back, I unfolded it and stared into those sapphire eyes.
For a second, while my mind started to drift somewhere between wake and sleep, I thought I heard a gentle strumming. Closing my eyes, I searched the expanse beyond my eyelids for the source of the soothing rhythm until I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 4
I laughed, full of contentment, as my mother and Gary smiled to me from the front of the car. Gary had called me the next Chopin. It was the first time he had come to watch me play and he was brimming with pride. I stopped laughing and jumped in my seat when the first explosion of lightning lit up the sky. The answering thunder growled to life and echoed off the darkened mountaintops outside the car.
“It’s just a thunderstorm Alex, nothing to worry about,” my mom reassured me.
As I peered timidly out the window at the oncoming storm, bolts of white light danced in the sky, then another set of lights suddenly sprung up from below. Confused, I was slow to recognize the oncoming headlights. By the time I did It was too late to scream. The vehicle slammed into us sending our car over the embankment. My body twisted with each pounding tumble and I could hear the crunching of metal and my mother’s screams. But this time was different. Instead of slamming against the great oak below like I expected, I kept falling.
Free from the car, my body descended alone into darkness. The only screams I could hear now were my own, which echoed back from the black abyss surrounding me. And then I hit water.
“In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,” I heard as bubbles rose to the surface.
I saw the light above me, and the tender hands of Pastor James as he dipped me into the baptismal pool. A gentle strumming caused me to turn my head in the water. He was there. He smiled to me from beyond the depths of the shallow pool, his blue eyes gleaming. I heard the music too. The sound of a thousand voices singing out in perfect harmony.
“Illumina, custody, rege et gube’rna.”
And above the voices, he whispered to me.
“It’s alright, I am with you Alexandra. Just open your mind and you will see.”
Then those tender hands pulled me from the water.
I opened my eyes with a start. Was it morning already? A glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand told me that Sulley would be there within the hour. I had overslept, yet I lingered in bed clinging to the dream. When I finally pulled back the covers, I felt the crinkle of paper under my fingertips. I picked up the certificate and jumped out of bed, looking for something to write with. Settling for an eye liner pencil, I wrote down the words from my dream before they vanished from my mind.
“Custodi, rege et gube’rna”
I scribbled them beneath the picture and then folded it up and tucked it into the pocket of my jeans after I put them on. I had to find out what those words meant today. It was probably nothing, the product of a muddled mind. All of my memories were rushing back in a hailstorm of jumbled facts and torn remnants of a child’s imagination.
I finished dressing and jogged downstairs remembering that I had purposely left the lights on. Snickering at myself, I turned them all off except for the porch light which I left on in case I was not back before night fall. I had just enough time to fry an egg and down a glass of orange juice before I heard Sulley’s truck towering up the driveway.
“How was your night?” Sulley asked as I climbed into the passenger seat.
“Oh, I survived,” I said with a grin.
“I see that,” he laughed and backed out of the driveway.
When arrived at the station, a striking middle-aged woman was chatting away on the phone behind the front desk. Her bleached-blonde hair was gathered in a tall bun atop her head, which also served as a pencil holder as there were at least three eraser ends poking out in various places. She smiled widely and jotted down a message.
The rest of the station was empty with no sign of any of the officers. I wondered why I was both relieved and disappointed that Will wasn’t there. What was this strange attraction I was feeling towards him? Was it a leftover kid crush, the love of a bad-boy, or something else?
“Why you must be the lovely Alexandra I’ve heard so much about,” the woman squealed as she hung up the phone and came traipsing around her desk.
Sulley took my coat in time for me to shake her hand. “Evelyn this is Alex. Alex, this is Evelyn, my secretary,” he said.
“It’s nice to meet you,” I said noticing the long, hot pink nails on Evelyn’s hand.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Sugar. My, you are a beauty aren’t you?” Evelyn drawled in a heavy southern accent.
Again, I didn’t know what to say. I never thought I was much to look at. Sure, I’d had the occasional guy interested in me back in Chicago and I’d had a few boyfriends in college, but to hear the people around here you would think I was beating the men off wit
h a stick.
“Just like her mother,” Sulley interjected. “Don’t know about you two, but I could use a cup of coffee.”
Sulley walked to the coffee pot and lit up with delight to see that it was already full of fresh brew.
“Have I ever told you how much I love you, Evelyn?” he teased.
“Oh Chief, always getting a girl’s hopes up.” She winked at me.
“Can I get coffee for either of you lovely ladies?”
“I would love some,” I answered as the front door opened and Will entered looking tired.
He smirked as he hung up his coat.
“Did I hear someone say coffee and lovely ladies? I’ll take both,” he said.
My heart sped at the sight of him. He nodded to me as Sulley handed me a small Styrofoam cup filled with black silk and then poured another for Will.
“Hope you like it black. Don’t believe in creamers or sugar around here,” Sulley said and took a small sip of his.
“Leaves more room for the caffeine,” Will agreed and took a long swig from his, wincing as the hot liquid hit his throat.
“Long night?” Sulley asked Will.
“Well, you know me,” he said, walking to the coffee pot to top off his cup. “Spent half the night though, looking for my damned car keys.”
“Still no luck, huh?” Sulley asked.
I sipped my coffee and watched Will over the rim of my cup. He walked back over to his desk looking puzzled.
“I just drove her a couple of weeks ago. I could have sworn I put the keys back in the drawer.”
He opened his desk drawer all the way out and rummaged around, his hand disappearing into the back of the drawer. When it emerged, he held a small key ring. The gold mustang logo dangled from his fingers.
“Well I’ll be damned, here they are. They were in the back of the drawer. Must not have pulled it out far enough.” Will tossed them to me.
I almost spilled my coffee on my sweater, but I caught them before they hit me in the face.
“Thank you, if you’re sure . . .”