"How's being twenty-three?"
"Same as twenty—two."
"Heard from Chloe this morning?"
There we go; that was what she really wanted to talk about.
"Nope," I replied, sitting down.
She smiled sympathetically. "I'm sure she'll call or stop by at some point." I didn't reply because there wasn't really a lot to say. "How're you doing? I mean really doing?"
I wasn't a spill his feelings guy, unless I was wasted, so I didn't want to get into it with Cass but she was like a dog with a bone when she was on something and I knew she wouldn't drop it. Fucking interfering woman.
"It sucks," I said.
"Yeah, it does. It won't be forever, though. You two will sort it out."
Alright, I definitely didn't want to talk about this. "Yeah," I said. "What's going on with you anyway?"
"Nice divert. I can take a hint, Logan, consider the subject changed. For now. Nothing's going on with me. What're you doing tonight?"
"Charlie's with Ollie and the guys."
She gave me her mirror image of Mum's disapproving face. "You sure that's a good idea?"
"To go out on my birthday?"
"To go out when you're fragile."
"I'm not one of Mum's hideous figurines, Cassie."
"I just worry that what's happened with Chloe is going to set you back. You've done so well to get everything together this last year."
"It won't set me back. I don't want to piss away all of my money, Cass. Stop worrying so much, will you. I'm fine and I'm gonna continue to be fine. What's happened with Chlo..." hurts like a bitch, "is shitty but I'm not gonna fall back into my old habits. Okay?"
"Yeah, alright. Can't blame me for being concerned. You're my brother and I care about you. I don't like seeing you unhappy."
"I'm not unhappy."
Her eyebrow rose much higher than seemed humanly possible.
I laughed. "Not not unhappy but not quite ready to pickle my internal organs yet."
Yet. I was fairly close to giving in to the craving to make it all go away. We had a bottle of Jim Beam in the cupboard. I'd wanted to reach for it about a million times since she called it off.
"Good. Please, don't give up yet."
Unless she knew something I didn't, which was unlikely since Chloe probably wouldn't tell my sister if she was having second thoughts about ripping my chest open and stomping on my heart.
After breakfast and presents my grandparents and aunt stopped by. I didn't want to see them, not after what they said to me and Chlo, but I knew I couldn't avoid them forever. It needed sorting out if I was going to have any chance at having Chloe back as a friend.
"Happy Birthday," Nan said, smiling shyly.
Shona sat on the sofa along with Nan and Grandad. "Logan, we are so sorry. We reacted badly and the things we said were unforgiveable."
"Yeah, it was."
"We feel awful," Nan added. "Please, accept our apology and know that we support you one hundred per cent. It was a shock and while that doesn't excuse how we behaved I hope that you can understand."
"Do you still think it's wrong?" I asked.
"No," Grandad replied. "No one thinks you and Chloe are wrong. It took us too long to realise that but your mother's right, as long as you're happy we're happy."
"Chloe now thinks we're wrong."
"No," Nan said. "Oh, Logan."
"Don't. Can't blame it all on you, I didn't handle the situation well. Should've spoken to you all individually."
"Is there something we can do?" Shona asked.
"No. Just tell Chloe you don't think she's the devil, that's what she's thinking right now and I don't want that."
"Of course," she replied. "We had every intention of apologising to Chloe and asking for her forgiveness, too." I smiled tightly. It was a bit too little too late but what could I do? "Can we give you your presents now?"
I faked a smiled and nodded. Honestly, I could've skipped the present and just had them call Chloe now so she wouldn't be at home feeling like shit. But I didn't want to be the one who runs to her, not yet, she had to come to me when she was ready to.
***
My phone dinged with a text and I almost didn't pick it up. Chloe's name sat on my screen. I opened the message. 'Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great day. I miss you. Xxx'
I miss you.
I miss you.
What the fuck was she trying to do to me? We couldn't ever be together but I miss you. The girl, like most women it would seem, was a total head fuck. But like the pussy I was I replied, 'Thanks. I miss you too.' No X. I was pissed off still.
'Can we meet? X' she texted back.
I couldn't stand the slow texts or messing around any longer, I called her.
"Hey," she said, answering on the first ring. "Happy birthday, Logan."
A smartarse reply of you said that already almost slipped out of my mouth but she'd made the first move and I really wanted to know what was going through her head.
"Thank you."
"Are you going out tonight?"
"Yeah, Ollie and the lads are dragging me to Charlie's."
"Right."
That was it?
"You wanted to meet up?"
"I do. I hate how things are at the minute. We've never been distant. I miss you like crazy. I've got about a hundred things I've thought to myself I'll need to tell Logan that and then I realise I can't."
"That was all you, Chlo."
"I know. I get that it's my fault and I hate myself for how things ended, I never wanted that. Everything is just so messed up and I can't really make sense of it myself. My head is spinning and although I have no clue what to do about anything right now, one thing I know for sure is that I want you in my life."
"In your life how?"
"I want to go back to how it was before things got complicated."
"You want to be friends?" Fuck, I hated that word.
"Yes. I want to take a step back and be friends."
This birthday was definitely the worst one I'd had.
"Can you do friends?" she asked.
What fucking choice did I have?
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Yeah, sweetheart, I can do friends." It was all I was going to get. It was probably all I should have ever had. You didn't get to screw your dead brother over and not have it bite you on the arse. My throat felt way too tight.
"Thank you," she whispered. "Can we do something soon?"
"Really have missed me, huh?" I said, trying to keep it light. I didn't want to talk about feelings or have an awkward conversation about how horrendous it was going to be to go back to being her friend.
"I really have. I felt like I did before...back when Jace died. You need to be in my life in some way, Logan."
"Yeah, I know what you mean." Not being with her was awful but never seeing her at all would be unbearable.
"So...?"
"Right. Tomorrow I'll be sleeping off tonight so why don't you come over Thursday?"
"Okay," she said, her voice suddenly low, husky and full of emotion and I realised it was because I'd said I'd be recovering. Chloe assumed because I was getting drunk that I would also be getting laid, which wasn't difficult to understand how she got there, that was what used to happen. Everything was different now. I'd dodged the sexual infection bullet about a hundred times so my turn was surely coming up and there was the fact that I was so in love with her the thought of being with someone else made my stomach turn. But I was a wounded man with a hugely dented ego so I didn't tell her that.
"I better go and have a shower before Ollie gets here. I'll speak to you later."
"Have a good night," she said. "Bye." The phone was cut off quickly and I wished I'd told her I wasn't going to sleep around. I shouldn't have to, we were friends so I owed her no explanation but she was upset and I fucking hated when she was upset.
I threw my phone down on the bed and stalked off to the bathroom. My chest ached. Everything
ached. I needed to get drunk. I needed to forget. I needed to make it stop hurting so damn much.
Chapter Thirty-one
Logan
It was a choice between friendship and nothing. There was no fucking way in hell I was choosing nothing. So again I was left feeling like my heart had been through a shredder because of this girl I couldn't get over, no matter how hard I tried.
She was due here any second and I didn't want things to be awkward. Shit, I shouldn't be so nervous to see her.
"Stop tapping your foot, Logan," Cass said. "Things are gonna be alright, you know. You both just need more time."
"I don't think she's interested in anything with me, even if we waited fifty years." Yep, felt like swallowing razor blades.
"Oh, please! You're smart, Logan, so stop playing dumb. Some people that Chloe cares about, some of our family, have been less than supportive so it's understandable that she's pulled back. She cares what people think a hell of a lot more than what you do so you need to be understanding of that. Don't give up on her, just give her the time she needs."
Giving up on her wasn't even an option. I'd wanted her for the last seven years so I could handle waiting. I was so good at waiting for that girl it was unreal.
"I'm not giving up. It just sucks, royally fucking sucks."
"Language! I know it does but I have total faith in you both. You're meant to be together, you two make more sense than her and Jace did."
I smiled. "Yeah, that little gamer geek really was punching well above his weight." Fuck, I missed him. "Not that I'm not."
"She wants you, Logan. Don't screw this up by doing what you do best in times of complete shit."
"You put that so lovely. But you don't have to worry, I'm not going to drink or screw this away." I'd compare them all to her anyway. It wouldn't be worth it.
"Good, because that's not the best way to show her you've got everything together."
"I don't think me having my shit together is the issue."
She raised her eyebrow. "No? I don't think the main concern was necessarily that she was Jace's girlfriend, it's that you're both replacing something you lost in each other - which wouldn't be healthy and probably destroy each other. You need to show everyone that it's not like that and you love Chloe not the idea of keeping hold of something so precious to Jace."
"Our family is fucked up."
She shrugged. "Not saying they're not but that's how it is. You can't blame them, they've not seen much of her because she hid away for so long and you drank yourself stupid. They haven't had a chance to see how far you've both come. They also don't know how much you guys struggled with wanting to be together."
Maybe she was right.
"You'll get there and you know you have my support and Mum and Dad's. We're all team Cogan."
She what? "Never say that again."
Laughing, she got up. "I hear a car so I'll get going."
"You're scared of cars now?"
She rolled her eyes. "Just remember what I said and don't put any pressure on her."
Barely ten seconds after Cass left, Chloe appeared at the door. I stopped breathing for a second. Why did she only get more beautiful? She couldn't have stuck her face in a blender and made this easier on me?
"Hi," she said, biting that full bottom lip nervously.
My jeans got tighter. I sighed. Here we go. "Hey, sweetheart. You okay?"
Releasing her lip, she walked into the room and sat down. "I'm alright. You?"
Nope, not at all.
"I'm fine. We missed you last night. Mexican isn't the same without you getting your taco everywhere."
"Hey, it's messy food, you're not supposed to be clean at the end of it."
Okay, I could do this. We'd just gone back to the start where we were friends. We could pick up from here and work our way back to each other, now knowing what we needed to work on.
"I know," I said. "What did you do last night? I called your house but..."
"I read and went to bed early. Mum told me you'd called but I figured I was coming over anyway..."
"It's cool, I figured you'd probably be locked in your room."
"I didn't lock myself in."
"As long as you're not moving backwards, Chlo."
She shook her head, playing with her fingers "I'm not. Well, we are. I don't like it but I don't know what to do about it."
"Don't stress about it. No pressure, no expectations. We can do the friends thing - we did it well before we got horizontal." I paused to smile at her light blush. "I get why you want to cool things, I don't like it, but I get it. We were moving too quickly when there are people, and I hate to admit this, that we have to be sensitive around. This isn't a normal situation where girl and guy can sail off into the sunset right away."
She smiled sadly. "No sunset for us, huh?"
"Oh, there'll be a sunset, sweetheart, we just have a longer journey."
Groaning, she slammed her head down on the table. I wasn't too sure what to do with that.
"Err, you okay over there?" I lived with two women so I was used to crying, shouting, screaming, throwing things and all that other fun womanly hormonal crap but I was lost right now.
"When you say things like that, Logan, it makes it ten times harder."
"Oh. Right... Sorry. Do you want me to make a joke about how it'll never happen because you turned me gay?"
She peeked up over her hands. "You're ridiculous, you know."
"Wanna go for a run?"
"A run? Now?"
"Yeah. Well, I was gonna offer you a bedroom workout but I figured that's a no no... right?"
Picking up a wooden coaster, she threw it at me. I caught it and laughed.
"Thought so."
We'd work on that one later.
"Fine. A run it is."
"You know where some spare clothes are." Would she wear mine or go back to borrowing Jace's? Mine, wear mine.
With one last bitey lip smile, she left to go get changed. Wear. My. Fucking. Clothes.
Chapter Thirty-two
Chloe
I went straight to Logan's room to change and wondered if I should be helping myself to his clothes anymore. But the fact that I'd mindlessly gone to his room told me everything. I wasn't Jace's anymore, I was completely Logan's, no matter if we could eventually make a relationship work or not.
After quickly changing into some of his old clothes and ignoring the urge to climb in his bed and call him up, I went downstairs to meet Mr Motivator.
Logan stood by the front door, leaning against the wall, texting on his phone. He looked painfully perfect. While he was distracted I took a minute to really take him in and as I raked my eyes over every inch of his body my heart hurt in the best way.
Finally, I cleared my throat and he looked up. "I'm ready."
He smiled a lot and nodded towards the door. "After you then."
We started at a gentle jog, both careful to keep a safe distance. I could feel the pull. I wanted the contact. Having him in my life was all that mattered and right now we could only do that as friends.
"How're things at home?" I asked.
"Fine. Mum and Cass have talked to them so things are alright, like I thought."
There was definitely a dig in there; a little if you'd have stayed rather than ran again things would be fine by now.
"Yeah, your nan and aunt called me and apologised. It was an awkward conversation at first but they explained how they felt and the reasons behind the reaction, and I did too. That meant a lot to me, and I'm glad you sorted it out with them as well. I hated the idea that I'd driven a wedge between you and your family."
"You didn't, we didn't, they did."
We were never going to agree on this one. He would only see my side if he was in my shoes. I knew he would step back if he thought it was hurting me. As much as he wanted us to happen I knew his family hurt him and I knew he wouldn't want to go through life without their support. I knew they were getting their heads ar
ound it but if that was how Logan's own family reacted then how would other people? I didn't want to be that girl in people's eyes.
I pursed my lips, not wanting to continue the conversation and have it turn into an argument. We were walking on ice and I was scared to say the wrong thing in case he decided he was done with me completely.
"Work okay?"
"Oh, for fuck sake!" he shouted, stopping suddenly, grabbing my arms and pushing me against the nearest tree. I gasped as my back made contact with a thud and his chest pressed against mine.
His eyes were on fire.
I was against a tree, again.
"What're you doing?" I whispered, swallowing sand.
I could feel what he was doing. I could see it.
He was making it impossible.
Against everything my body was screaming for, I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. My fingers gripped his shirt as I put some distance between us, not really wanting to let go. I wanted to cry. He could crush me in a second. Not even Jace could do that.
He looked devastated as he let go of my arms.
Fear gripped me by the throat. I wasn't just scared of how I felt about Logan; I was outright terrified. "I need... time. I don't know." Not time, that wouldn't help. I didn't know what I needed, but I definitely needed something.
He stroked my cheek and my heart stuttered. "No more time."
"Why are you doing this, Logan?"
"Why?" His eyes lost their tenderness. "Seriously, why? How blind can you be? I fucking love you, Chloe!"
The floor fell away. I froze. He loved me. Shit. I felt two very big, very conflicting emotions at the same time. I wanted to hear that so bad but I also didn't.
Yeah, I definitely couldn't do this. I wanted to be with Logan but I couldn't stop the crippling guilt. He couldn't love me. There were things I couldn't get past and we'd only end up hurting each other. He looked like he was in pain now so what would he be like if things didn't work out six months or a year down the line?
Logan was perfect and since I'd walked through his door right up to a minute ago he'd been a perfect gentleman, but it was already getting harder for us both to ignore what we wanted. When we were around each other everything was right but the line between friends and lovers was fading faster than I could have ever imagine and I was panicking. And he loved me.
He looked up and the sunlight hitting his topaz eyes made them shine. I gulped. Something was going to happen between us soon, it was inevitable... unless I put a stop to it.
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