“You can daydream in the Great Link?”
“Oh, Nerys…in a way, that’s what the Great Link is.”
“I wish…”
“As do I.”
A silence fell, but it was the kind that was alive with emotion. It seemed an eternity passed, as they savored the moment and the fact that they were together. Finally, Odo took her face into both his hands, kissed her, and then gazed deeply into her eyes.
“It will be time soon. They’re waiting for me.”
Her breath caught and her heart ached, but she never broke that gaze. Never once did she let him see pain or sorrow or longing for what might have been. Instead she spoke without words of how proud she was of him, and how much this time together meant to her. She tried to give him what he would need, in order to do what he must…with peace.
“I love you, Odo.”
“As I do you. Always.” He drew in a deep breath, leaned in, and brushed his lips against her temple. “Nerys?”
“Mmmm?”
“I love the way you look tonight.”
He slipped away from her and walked toward a nearby stand of trees. She watched until she couldn’t see even his shadow in the moonlight. It was only when a graceful, determined hawk catapulted into the air and soared into the night sky that she realized they hadn’t said good-bye.
Star Trek
Voyager®
Transfiguration
Susan S. McCrackin
I’m afraid of fire.
Sometimes I dream about flames all around me. They are so real I can feel myself burning. I must scream, because Daddy is always there when I wake up crying. He holds me, sometimes so tight I can’t breathe.
I never have to tell him about what I was dreaming. He knows.
You see, Mommy died in a fire. I was there when it happened.
Mommy was the best engineer on the whole ship. She was so smart that even the captain would ask her what to do. And Mommy always knew.
Sometimes, on a special day Mommy would let me go with her to engineering. She told me that if I was a smart girl and if I worked hard, one day I could be an engineer too. I would look at her when she said that and I knew I would do anything to be an engineer because I could see how proud Mommy would be.
I was there that day because I had done extra work in school and the teacher had told Mommy and Daddy about it. Mommy said she would take me to work with her as a reward. I was so excited because I knew she was working on a special project and I wanted to see it real bad.
So I was there when everything exploded. All I can remember is how dark and hot it got and how everybody was screaming and how scared I was until I heard Mommy calling my name. Then I felt her arms around me and then I felt all hot and burning and we were running through fire. Then there was more air and we were covered by people blowing foamy stuff at us and then I don’t remember anything else.
When I woke up after it happened, Daddy was leaning over me but I could hardly see him. I tried to ask him about Mommy, but I couldn’t talk. And then I realized that my skin was burning, and I screamed. Well, I tried to scream.
I remember Daddy yelling and shadows all around me and starting to feel like I was floating and feeling like I was falling real slow and hearing Daddy crying.
Mommy had been dead almost a month before I woke up enough for Daddy to tell me what happened. I remember his voice sounded like he had a bad cold. I remember how everything sounded, but I couldn’t really see him because my eyes were hurt in the fire.
He told me I would be okay, but that I wasn’t going to be able to see much anymore and that I had been burned and would have scars, but that I was still alive because Mommy loved me so much that she saved me.
It wasn’t until later I heard the people whispering that Mommy had run through all the fire to get me. She had to run back into the flames to get me out. They said how brave they thought she was and what a shame it was that I was so disfigured.
Disfigured. I didn’t know what that meant. But I figured it out. I couldn’t see very much, but I could feel my face and my arms. One day, when nobody was in sickbay, I got out of bed and tried to look at myself in a mirror. When I saw what I could see, I was kind of glad I couldn’t see so good.
I knew then, I would never be able to do anything to make Mommy proud of me again—that I would never be an engineer—and I thought that Mommy should have left me in engineering to die in the fire.
But that was how I felt before she came on board.
I heard her the first time when they came into the mess hall. Our ship’s engine was damaged when we were caught in an ion storm. The captain had been trying to take special readings at the edge of the storm. I heard Daddy talking to someone about how worried he was about being able to keep the ship safe during the mission.
Daddy is real smart and he sits next to the captain when he’s working. I don’t know exactly what he does, but I know he’s important. When Daddy’s upset about something, I am, too. I stayed in my room all afternoon with my eyes closed real tight. I knew as soon as the ship was damaged.
Even though I can’t see too good, I feel and hear better than almost everyone on the ship. My teacher says that it’s not unusual for people to lose one ability and the others get better. He says that’s what happened to me. So I knew that day that the ship was damaged, but it was almost five minutes before the alarms went off.
I pulled the covers over my head and talked to Mommy, asking her to take care of Daddy because I knew he would be the first to go take care of people while the captain stayed on the bridge. I talked to Mommy and cried until Daddy came to check on me, picking me up and hugging me, telling me that everything would be okay and that help was coming.
Help was coming.
That made me stop crying because we had been in space a long time and hadn’t seen any other people for at least a year. Daddy told me that there was a ship from a place called Earth that came all the way from the Alpha Quadrant and was full of humans. He told me that if I would stop crying he’d make sure I got a chance to meet our visitors.
I was real excited and didn’t even complain about having to take a bath before going to the mess hall.
Everybody was in the mess hall that night. The crew was as excited about seeing these humans as I was. It was almost time for me to leave before the captain came into the mess hall with the visitors. I felt them as they got closer to our table. My teacher was sitting with me at the big table. Daddy had got special permission for me to be there so I could meet the humans.
The captain was talking, so Daddy just sat down next to me. He put his arm around my shoulders, and I dropped my head so my chin rested on my chest so nobody could see my face. But Daddy didn’t notice because he was talking to someone in his quiet voice so I tried to be real still. Our captain kept talking to the human captain, but Daddy was whispering to the person that sat across from us.
I listened hard when the person across from Daddy talked back to him. Her voice was real grown-up, and she talked like she was giving orders or was mad. But it was her smell I noticed the most because she smelled just like Mommy would when she came to our quarters after work. I lifted my head a little so I could try to get a good look at her—as good a look as I could. I couldn’t see a lot more than a shadow, but I was surprised that she was so small. Her voice had been so strong that I thought she would be bigger. Her hands were moving in the air while she talked and I looked up, squinting to see if I could see her better.
I think she was pretty, just like Mommy, but I couldn’t tell for sure. I squinted harder and stared at her because it looked like she had something on her forehead. I guess I stared too hard because she quit talking in the middle of a word and looked right at me, but I didn’t even realize until she talked to me.
“Hello. What’s your name?”
I felt my cheeks get hot and knew my face was red. I tried to cover my face with my hands, but Daddy pushed my hands down.
“Say hello, sweetheart.”
I tried to say hello, but I felt like I suddenly forgot how to speak. I sat back in my chair and tried to hide behind Daddy, but he pulled me onto his lap so I couldn’t hide anymore.
“This is my daughter. Her name is Beleena. She’s named after her mother.”
“Beleena?” The human laughed. “That almost sounds like my name.” She reached her hand all the way across the table at me and Daddy grabbed my hand to push it toward hers. When she took my hand, she said, “My name is B’Elanna. B’Elanna Torres. How old are you, Beleena?”
I tried to hide my face in Daddy’s shirt.
“Tell her you’re eight cycles, Beleena.” Daddy was smiling big. I could tell because there was more white in his mouth than usual. I was going to tell her when I felt her fingers rub across the scars on my hand. It wasn’t much, but I was used to people feeling my scars and then getting all sorry for me. I started to pull my hand away when I felt Daddy laugh, all the way from his stomach. “She’s really shy about meeting new people…because of her scars.”
I wanted to hide because I didn’t like to talk about my scars. Grown-ups would look real close at me when Daddy talked about my scars, but she took my hand in both of hers in a way that sent warm feelings all up my arm.
“I understand. When I was growing up, I was the only Klingon around, so people were always staring at me.”
I peeked out from Daddy’s shirt and tried to see her face better. I guess I forgot about being shy, because I asked, “Why?”
“Come here and I’ll let you feel.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to go, but Daddy pushed me off his lap and around the end of the table, until all of a sudden, her face was real close to mine. She took my hand and placed it on her forehead.
“I’ve got cranial ridges. Do you feel them? All Klingons have them, but I’m half-Klingon and half-human. Humans don’t have ridges, so kids were always making fun of me.”
I ran my hands over her face, feeling the bumps get bigger as I touched her face from her cheeks to over her eyes.
She leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Us bumpy-headed girls have to stick together, don’t we?”
There was laughter in her voice, and I laughed with her. She pulled away, but kept holding my hands in hers.
“Your father tells me that your mother was an engineer, too.”
An engineer, too!
“You’re an engineer?” I felt my face get hotter when my words squeaked as they came out.
She acted like she didn’t hear anything wrong. She held my hands tighter as she said, “I’m the chief engineer on Voyager. When we get finished fixing your ship, maybe you’ll come over and I can give you a tour of our ship.”
I knew that made Daddy happy by the way he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back onto his lap and sort of shook me when he hugged me.
“How about that, Beleena? Wouldn’t you like to go see Lieutenant Torres’s ship?”
Daddy did what he always did when he accidentally said something about me being able to see. He went still like a stone and his head dropped. And I did what I always did when Daddy accidentally said something about me being able to see. I bounced on his lap and said, “Can we, Daddy? That would be so wonderful!”
They both laughed that funny tight laugh grown-ups laugh when they’re trying to act like they aren’t bothered by something when they are. After a minute of forks clicking on plates, B’Elanna asked Daddy something about the engines and they started talking about work stuff. I sat real still and tried not to mess things up again.
Daddy came home late that night. I could hear him whispering to Telnia, asking if I had acted upset or anything. I couldn’t hear what Telnia said, but Daddy kept saying “good” over and over. I heard him moving around our living quarters after Telnia left and knew he would come in to check on me. I kept my eyes closed and didn’t move when he pushed the door open. Daddy and I usually like to eat a snack together when he gets home, and I knew he would be disappointed if I was asleep.
But I didn’t want to be up with Daddy tonight. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened at dinner. And I didn’t want to hear about B’Elanna—B’Elanna who was an engineer—B’Elanna who smelled like Mommy.
When the door closed I opened my eyes and stared into the dark for a long time, missing Mommy.
I was eating lunch in the mess hall. I was used to eating alone because Daddy had to be at work all the time, and he knew I could get to the mess hall by myself.
Actually, I can get pretty much anywhere on the ship by myself now. I used to follow Mommy all over the ship so I know all of the different ways to get from one place to another. After the accident, I would go to some of the places I used to go with Mommy that nobody else ever went to, so I could feel closer to her. I didn’t tell Daddy because I didn’t want him to tell me I couldn’t do it.
I was thinking about Mommy again when all of a sudden I heard my name. I jumped.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
It was her.
A tray slid onto the table, and I saw her fuzzy figure sit down across from me.
“I thought you’d hear me.”
“I heard you say my name.”
A napkin snapped. “I mean I thought you heard me walking toward you.”
I squinted at her, but didn’t say anything. Sometimes grown-ups get uncomfortable with me when I just look in their direction. They know I can’t see them real good, but they get really nervous when I stare at them. It’s like they think that I can’t see them, but that I can see inside them or something. Usually they’ll laugh a little strange, and they’ll all of a sudden remember something they should have done and they’ll leave me alone.
But it didn’t seem to work with her.
“You’ve got great hearing, don’t you?”
I stared in her direction.
“I’ve watched you in here. People don’t walk up on you without you hearing them, so I thought you’d already know I was here.”
She wasn’t being mean or acting like she’d learned a big secret or anything. She was just talking to me like I was a regular person.
“Your father’s been telling me how smart you are. He says you’re a lot like your mother.”
She started eating her lunch like she hadn’t said anything important.
“He also said you know almost every inch of this ship and could show me around.”
Daddy said I could show her around the ship? Daddy knew?
“I’ve got to trace a power conduit from engineering to the port engine. Your dad said the line goes through one of the access tubes and that you might be able to show me how to get there.” She took a bite and chewed. “He said you often went with your mother when she was doing maintenance on the power grid, and you’d know exactly where it was.”
She didn’t say anything else. I knew she was waiting for me to respond. I ate some more of my meal before I nodded my head.
“Good,” she said. “We’ll go as soon as we’ve finished lunch.”
B’Elanna followed me through the tubes. We got to the place where we had to climb down to the port engine access tube, and I expected her to stop me so she could go down first because it would be safer, but she didn’t. She waited at the top until I told her it was safe for her to come down.
I started to climb into the engine access tube, and B’Elanna climbed in right behind me. She crawled along behind me, and she reminded me of Mommy. Mommy could get through the tubes faster than anyone, and she would move real quiet.
I tried to stop thinking about Mommy so I could concentrate on leading B’Elanna to the port engine, but she was everywhere around me. Suddenly, all of the sadness in me burst like it had to get out and nothing I could do could keep it in. I quit crawling into the tube, and I just crawled into a ball and cried instead.
It wasn’t until I had almost cried all I could cry that I realized that B’Elanna was holding me tight to her, rocking me back and forth, just like Mommy
used to do.
I waited for her to finish her work, then helped her pick up the tools and put them away. I thought she was going to pick up her tool-box, but she sat down and pulled me onto her lap.
“You miss your mother a lot, don’t you, honey?”
I didn’t think I could have any tears left, but I was wrong.
“It’s okay to miss her, Beleena. I miss my mother.”
I sniffed and wiped my eyes. “Is your mother dead, too?”
Even though I couldn’t see her eyes, I knew they were sad. She kind of raised her shoulders and shook her head as she said, “I don’t really know. She might be. I think about her a lot, especially at night. Sometimes I think I’m going to break, right here.” Holding my hand in hers, she pressed my hand against her chest. “But, if she’s dead, I know she died with honor, just like your mother did, and that makes me proud. It doesn’t take away the pain, but it gives me something good to hold on to. From everything I’ve heard, your mother was a good person—great person—and she loved you very much.”
I couldn’t say anything else. All I could do was nod.
I could hardly wait for B’Elanna to come into the mess hall for breakfast the next morning. Daddy was real surprised when I got up to go to breakfast with him, especially since he gets up so early. I couldn’t sit still, waiting for her to come through the door. She came to breakfast to meet Daddy so they could go over the plan for the day, and she could give him her report.
Daddy had told me, for probably the fifth time, not to wiggle when the doors opened and the fast footsteps came at us. I smelled her before she called out to us. It was soap and engineering lubricants all mixed up together on her.
Daddy was as happy as me to see her; I could tell. He stood to take the padd she held out to him and started to sit, but stopped halfway down, waiting on her to take her seat first. They bent to go over her reports, heads almost touching, talking in voices that got faster and more excited as they went over them.
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