by Jewel E. Ann
Morgan runs to her and gives her another hug. She doesn’t say anything. She just hugs her. Gracelyn’s lips part and her eyes lift to meet my gaze. I don’t miss the tears in them.
For a second, maybe two, I let my mind go there. I imagine going from two to five. And I like it.
“Goodnight!” Morgan calls as she runs to the door.
“Night, baby.”
Gracelyn quickly wipes her eyes and adds the pasta to the boiling water. When she turns, I pull her into my embrace.
“Why did she leave?”
“Because we have more to say.” My hands slide down to her ass. “We have more to do.”
She presses her lips to my sternum. “What are we doing?” she whispers.
“Living. We’re living.” I kiss her head.
*
Wow! Gracelyn can cook. Really cook.
I devour two plates of pasta with her homemade sauce that she threw together without following a recipe. We clean the kitchen, take a walk, and end up in my big soaker tub a little before midnight.
“Transcend …” she says, leaning her head back against my shoulder as I feather my fingers over her sternum that’s just above the thin layer of suds. “Was it hard to really believe? To wrap your head around the idea that the young friend you lost at such a young age was … at least in part … inside the body of the woman you hired to be Morgan’s nanny?”
“Yes and no. Reincarnation wasn’t a stretch for my mind. It was the fact that it was someone I knew.”
She nods, rubbing her lips together. “Brandon spoke to me. I heard his voice. I only told a few people, and when I did, I always made sure they knew that I knew it wasn’t really him … like a ghost. Just his voice in my head. But it wasn’t. I believe it was him. It was too real. Do you think that’s crazy?”
I slide my hand down her breast to her stomach. “No.”
“Did you think you loved Swayze? Not the part of her that was Daisy, but the young college graduate. The woman who spent so much time taking care of Morgan. Did you start to think you were falling in love with her? Did the lines blur?”
“Yes, but it was a toxic combination of missing my wife, seeing Morgan in the arms of a nurturing woman, and all the elements of her that did feel like my friend.”
“I cried so many times. Not just the loss you experienced. I cried when you let Swayze go. When you said, ‘I think a part of you will be mine to love in every life.’ God … I just bawled. I also cried when you were so candid with Morgan about life and death. When you let her feel emotional pain—when you didn’t try to take it away because you said she will never know true happiness if she doesn’t let the pain into her heart. You told her the most beautiful rainbows come from the harshest storms.”
“Yeah …” I chuckle. “That’s not scientifically true. She went through a big rainbow and unicorn phase, so I worked with what I had at the time.”
She eases her body the other way, careful to not splash water out of the tub. I take her foot and rub it as she settles at the opposite end.
“You’re a beautiful man. But … I don’t have the words to describe how you are as a dad. I’m not sure the words exist. Watching you with her … reading your words … I’m speechless. And the idea of having a baby with you, it, too, leaves me speechless.”
I smile. She leaves me speechless … breathless. “More …” I sit up and run my hands along the outside of her legs. “You have to wonder. I know I would. I did wonder, until that day in the rain when you let the bracelet drop to the ground … when you let it disappear without giving it a single glance because you were too busy seeing me. So the answer is more. I love you more than I loved Daisy.”
Tears fill her eyes.
“I love you more than I loved Jenna. Not because I didn’t love them with my whole heart. I did. It’s just that my time away with Morgan has taught me one thing. Our capacity to love grows with time. It grows with every new person who touches our lives. So I love you more because my heart is bigger.”
She blinks, setting the tears free.
*
Truth?
I don’t know how this chapter of our story will end. A doctor’s first rule is to do no harm. As Morgan and I drive Gracelyn back to the airport in Chicago, I think of the fun we’ve had. I took a million pictures of them in the tree house. The three of us, hand-in-hand, taking Joby for walks. Eating at Morgan’s favorite restaurants. Game night where Morgan bankrupted Gracelyn and me in Monopoly.
Gracelyn teaching Morgan how to make perfect mashed potatoes and the chewiest chocolate chip cookies.
Morgan practicing her braiding technique on Gracelyn.
Gracelyn painting Morgan’s fingernails and toenails in a bright shade of pink.
The girly giggles.
The endearing smiles.
Just everything.
But … Gracelyn is headed back to San Diego to her job and to wait for her next period and Gabe, when he returns in a week. We agreed that she would ask him how he feels about moving, and I would call him if she needed reinforcement. We agreed we would do no harm to him and his still fragile state, knowing that it will be years before he stops feeling the emptiness of his loss.
I unload her luggage as she and Morgan get out at the terminal drop-off.
“Hug Gabe and Mr. Hans for me.” Morgan hugs her.
“I will. Take care of you and maybe keep an eye on your dad too. I’m going to miss you like crazy.”
Morgan keeps her arms around Gracelyn’s waist while looking up at her. “We’ll see each other soon. Right?”
Gracelyn kisses Morgan’s head. “I hope so. There’s always video chat and TikTok dancing.”
My daughter nods. “Okay. Bye. I’ll get in the car in case my dad wants to kiss you goodbye.”
We grin as she hops into the backseat.
I see the pain and dread on her face, in spite of the brave smile she’s giving me. “What if I’m not …”
I shake my head and cradle her face in my hands. “It changes nothing.”
She nods. “No more letters. I want … I need your voice and this face.” Her hands press to my cheeks, mimicking mine on hers.
Her thumb rubs along my lips, making me grin even more.
“Lots of phone calls. Video chat. And dirty texts.”
A bigger smile chases away her wavering fear. “Definitely.”
“I’m a plane ride away. I’ll grab a flight and be there if you need me.”
“I know.”
We stare at each other, neither one wanting to let go of the other.
“I have a flight to catch. If you’re going to steal a kiss … now’s the time.”
I grab her wrist and move her hand over my mouth, kissing it … kissing down to where she used to be shackled to her past. Then I kiss her lips, knowing young eyes are too snoopy to not be on us. I don’t care.
I promised Morgan honesty. This is it. This is what it looks like to love someone deeply … madly … to the depths of your soul. So much it rips your fucking heart out of your chest to let go. My daughter should never settle for less if I deem some guy worthy of her … twenty years from now.
Gracelyn pulls away, breathless, keeping her eyes closed. “Bye, my love.” She turns, grabs her suitcase, and takes off to the terminal entrance.
I slide my hands in my front pockets and wait.
Give it to me …
At the last second, she glances over her shoulder.
“There it is,” I whisper to myself.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Gracelyn
I go home.
I don’t know who I’m missing more—Nate and Morgan or Gabe.
Probably Gabe. I’ve been away from him longer.
We don’t video chat because they’re always where the connection is terrible. So other than a few texts, I get a phone call with him and my parents each night. I haven’t told them I went to Nate’s house, and since Gabe hasn’t mentioned it, I know Morgan’s managed to keep
it a secret too.
Mr. Hans spends a lot of time eyeing me with an odd look and asking about Chicago. I dodge questions with vague answers and swift subject changes. I fear he’s onto me.
Nate and Morgan video chat with me every day. Then after Morgan goes to bed, Nate calls me. I snuggle under my covers and fall asleep to his soothing voice every night. The next morning, he texts me and asks what’s the last thing I remember him saying. I never remember what he said. I just remember how his voice in my ear made me feel.
“They’re here!” Mr. Hans calls late the following Friday. I start the washer with my work clothes in it and run downstairs and out the door.
My heart bursts with sparkles and glitter because Gabe takes off running this way when he sees me. “Gah! I missed you.”
“Missed you too,” he says, hugging me tightly.
My parents smile as they make their way to us with Gabe’s bag and pillow.
We settle in for dinner and all the stories from their trip. Again, like I’ve done with Mr. Hans, I turn all the questions they have about my trip into short answers and more questions about their trip.
The following day, my parents leave for home. And since I have the day off, I take the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with Gabe.
“Hey, buddy. Can we talk?” I sit in the recliner adjacent to the sofa where he’s perched watching TV.
“Sure.” He keeps his attention on the TV.
“Can we talk without the TV on?”
He raises his eyebrows at me like it’s the craziest request ever.
“Please.”
With his customary sigh, he shuts off the TV.
“I want to talk to you about Nate and Morgan.”
“O-kay,” he says slowly.
“We never talk about relationships, well, at least not that much. You’re a bit young. But …”
This isn’t going well. It’s hard explaining grown-up love to an eleven-year-old boy. I have no clue what emotions he has had or can even begin to understand. So … I go in a different direction.
“When Morgan and Nate were here last summer, Nate and I fell in love.” Boom! There it is.
“O-kay.” The same word again in slow motion.
“When grown-ups are in love, they want to be together. Last summer didn’t feel like the right time for us to try to be together because Morgan was so excited about going home to the rest of her family again, and she wanted to be close to her mom’s grave. And … well … there were just a lot of things and a lot of uncertainty.
“But most important at the time, for me anyway, was you. I couldn’t imagine asking you to change your life any more than it had already been changed. So I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even want you to have the stress of making a decision or feeling like you were letting anyone down if you didn’t make ‘the right’ decision. And I don’t know if there was a right decision. So we made the decision without discussing it with you or Morgan. We chose to not be together—not disrupt your lives by asking for you to give up anything or move away from your home.”
Confusion camps out on his face and in the permanent squint of his eyes.
I wait for questions that never come. I wait for him to read into where this is going, but he doesn’t.
Leaning forward, I rest my arms on my legs and fold my hands, squeezing them several times. “I ran into Nate at the hotel where I stayed in Chicago. The feelings we had last summer … the love … it’s still there. Maybe even stronger. So instead of staying in Chicago the whole time, I went to his house in Wisconsin and stayed a few days with him and Morgan.”
“You did?”
I nod.
“Morgan didn’t tell me that.”
“We asked her not to tell you.”
“Why?”
“Because …”
Because I might be pregnant?
But mostly because I might not be pregnant?
I don’t know how to answer that. He’s eleven. I can’t see him really understanding. Still, I have to try. How is he supposed to learn and understand new things if he’s not given the chance?
“Do you know how babies are made?”
His face turns red. I take that as a yes.
“Why?”
That’s not a yes.
“Because I assume in the next year or two they will talk about it at school, if they haven’t already. And I don’t know what your dad and mom discussed with you, but since it’s you and me now … I think I should know what you know and what you don’t know.” I give myself an internal high five.
“I saw a video.”
I nod. “At school?”
“No. At a friend’s house.”
Oh Jesus …
“Not really a video. A gif. Several gifs.”
I clear my throat. I am so out of my league, my comfort zone, my mind! “Gifs about babies?” My face cringes a little.
“Well, supposedly how they are made.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“It’s weird, but I get it.”
“You do?”
He nods.
“So … first, I have to say whatever you saw is something you should not have seen. There is a lot on the internet that you should not see—that most adults should not see.”
“It was at Jacob’s house, but it was last year right after …”
His mom and dad died. Yeah, I still pause before I say the actual words too. I nod to let him know I get it, and he doesn’t have to say them.
“Jacob’s mom found out and told TJ’s and Cole’s parents, but …”
I nod again. “She didn’t know who to go to about you seeing it too.”
“Yeah.”
“Listen, I’m a little worried that what you saw might not be exactly right, but it could be. I want you to have a healthy knowledge of sex. Do you know—”
“I know what it’s called.” He rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
“Okay. Do you think we should talk about it?”
“No.”
“Okay.” I chuckle. “We don’t have to right now, but to return to what we were talking about … I might be pregnant.”
Gabe’s eyes grow into saucers.
“Nate and I had … sex. And there is so much to discuss about that and babies and not getting pregnant from sex, but we don’t have to discuss that now if you don’t want to. However, it will need to be discussed when you get older and start showing more interest in girls. Okay?”
He doesn’t move. “You’re going to have a baby?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know yet. But maybe. That’s why I want to talk with you about Nate and Morgan. How would you feel about living with them?”
“You mean they’re moving next door again?”
“No … I mean how would you feel about moving to Wisconsin?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want to move.”
I blow out a slow breath. “I know. But if I’m pregnant, then Nate and I need to be together. This would be his baby too.”
“So what’s going to happen to me?”
Tension settles in my face. He’s breaking my heart. I scoot over to the sofa and rest my hand on his. “Gabe, nothing is going to happen to you. We are a family now. You and I. So if I’m pregnant, it doesn’t change us, it just adds to our family. Technically, it will be your cousin, but you’ll grow up with him or her like a big brother.”
“You want me to move?”
“Yeah. I want you to move.”
“Do I have to?”
He’s not making this easy at all.
“I mean … what if you’re not pregnant. Then we don’t have to move, right? I mean … I have friends here. My soccer team. This is my home.”
“I know, but things change in life. I think you would like Wisconsin. And while you would miss your friends, you would make new ones. Find a new soccer team. You’re young and you have lots of school years left and plenty of time to make new friends.”
He stands, shaking his head over and ove
r. “I don’t want to go if I don’t have to go.”
“And what if I’m pregnant?”
He stops, halfway to his room. “Then I’ll go. But if you’re not, then we stay.” The door slams shut.
“Shit …” I whisper.
I make my way downstairs. Mr. Hans hands me a glass of lemonade and nods to the porch.
“You were eavesdropping?” I follow him.
He smirks and sits on the swing. “Just had my hearing aid turned way up.”
I grin and take a seat next to him.
“Let it settle a few days. Give him time to think about it. He’ll come around.”
I stare out at the water. “And if he doesn’t?”
“You’ll figure something out. He’s not going to break.”
“But he’s lost a lot.”
“We all suffer losses. Yes, his was a big loss at an early age, but he’s surrounded by love and that’s what’s going to make him a strong young man. He will be resilient, more so than other young men his age who didn’t have to suffer such a loss.”
“What if I’m not pregnant?” I whisper my greatest fear. It’s crazy. I’m forty-two. Being pregnant should be my greatest fear.
“Cross one bridge at a time. It’s all Gabe can do right now too.”
I nod. “Thank you.”
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
I get my period.
The tears come instantly with plenty of help from my hormones. I knew it was coming. I’ve had night sweats for days, and they always happen before my period. Of course, I’m not pregnant. My unused uterus probably shriveled up years ago. Now it just hemorrhages bloody tears once a month to remind me what an epic fuckup my life has been.
Yeah … the hormones are strong.
After I told Nate about my talk with Gabe, he said if I wasn’t pregnant, he’d fly out here and talk to Gabe man to man. He shouldn’t have to do that.
Running on high octane estrogen, I march out to the living room and stand in front of Gabe’s Saturday morning TV.
“Move, please.” He cranes his head to see around me.
I snatch the remote and shut off the TV. “Listen, I want to be your friend. I don’t like it when I have to act like an adult with you. It’s much more fun to go Rollerblading and play games together. But you leave me with no choice. We are moving to Wisconsin. End of discussion.”