by Tess Oliver
He looked down at our intertwined hands and then tightened his grip even more.
Something deep down told me it would be different, very different.
***
I cheered and clapped as the ball shot straight through the tower of milk bottles, taking them all down in one loud clatter.
The carnie behind the game stand looked a little less excited. “Pick your prize from the top shelf.” He smiled at me from under his straw derby hat. “Looks like you brought the right date today. First big prize I’ve given away.”
I stared up at the line of stuffed animals and tapped my finger against my chin, noticing that it was still sticky from all the sugary treats. “The giraffe,” I said confidently.
Ledger looked at me. “I had you figured all wrong. I took you for a unicorn person.”
“I gave up believing in things like unicorns long ago. Unfortunately.”
The carnie handed me the giraffe. I hugged it to me. “You really do have a good arm. Did you play baseball in high school?”
“Nah, I didn’t have the grades, or the attention, or the discipline I needed to be on a team. I know it was especially hard for my dad to swallow, knowing I had all the talent but couldn’t get my ass in gear to do it.”
A group of women, who were waiting in line for hot dogs, tried their hardest not to stare at Ledger as we walked past. I hugged the giraffe. “See, told you the other girls would look on with envy.”
“Should I win you another one for the other arm?” he asked. A man like him should have had a big head, but I hadn’t seen it yet. And that, along with him helping Mike this morning, were big bonus points.
“Pretty sure they weren’t ogling my stuffed giraffe.” I held the toy out at arm’s length. For a carnival prize it was well crafted and almost looked like a replica of a real giraffe. “Although Newton is extremely handsome.”
“Newton?”
“Yep, just named him. What do you think?”
He inclined his head toward the giraffe. “I don’t mind, but I think he might have an opinion.”
I tucked the toy under my arm again. “My redo is almost complete.” I gazed up at the Ferris wheel and cast a questioning look toward Ledger.
“Ferris wheel it is.” He took hold of my free hand and led me in that direction. We were first in line for the next ride. The woman running the Ferris wheel was kind enough to let me leave Newton with her. We climbed into our bucket and sat down. The wheel moved a few notches for the next seats to be filled.
“No one ever talks about this, and maybe there are just some things better not discussed when it comes to the Ferris wheel, but it seems to me that way more time is spent waiting for the wheel to fill up and unload than in the actual ride.”
“Good point. Guess if it is being discussed, the pro Ferris wheel people are squashing it before it hits the big media.”
Yet another bonus point. The man understood my sense of humor. Somewhere along the line, I was certain I’d run into a flaw, an anti-bonus point, but I had to stop looking for one and enjoy. With any luck, if one did surface, it wouldn’t be a big deal, something easy like a habit of leaving peanut shells on the coffee table or drinking milk right out of the carton.
Ledger stretched out his long legs so that his feet dangled past the edge of the bucket. We rocked back and forth with the movement. I startled and grabbed the edge of the seat.
“Sorry about that.”
“No, it’s not you. I was just reminded of a terrible ride I once had on a Ferris wheel.”
“Since we’re on our way to dangling five hundred feet in the air, you might want to skip that story retell for now.”
A short laugh. “It wasn’t from any dysfunction with the equipment or anything. It was my riding partner.” I wasn’t sure how I’d let my mind slip to James. I was usually better at blocking him out completely. I could feel Ledger looking at the side of my face waiting for me to tell my story. Before I knew it, it rolled out. “I was on this ride with my ex—” I stopped short, nearly with a gasp, when it occurred to me that I hadn’t yet mentioned an ex-husband to Ledger. It was a good thing to get out in the open, in case it mattered. I hoped that it wouldn’t, but I needed to tell him in case things grew more serious.
I turned to face him. There was no look of surprise or anger or disappointment. It was just Ledger, listening with interest. Something he was good at.
“Probably should have told you this earlier, but a while back, I was married.” Our bucket rolled up and then stopped abruptly for the next riders to get on. “It was the biggest mistake of my life. That horrible carnival ride was just one of many incidents that should have been red flags for me not to marry him. That day, he was pissed at me about something, can’t even remember what. He got jealous easily, and if he thought I was too friendly with another guy, he’d fly into a rage. We got on the ride and were on the way up. He started rocking the bucket back and forth just to scare me. At first I laughed, a scared laugh, like the kind you get when you’re walking through a Halloween haunted house. But he kept going. And he was a big guy. I could hear all the nuts and bolts squeaking as if they might give way. I pleaded with him to stop but he ignored me. By the time we reached the top, I was crying hysterically, begging him to stop. But he kept it up, completely amused at how terrified I’d become. He was always wrong for me. I just never saw it until it was too late.”
Ledger’s mouth tightened into a grim line as I told the story. I ended my story quickly, deciding I’d said enough. I wasn’t completely sure why he’d grown so tense. “Guess I shouldn’t have shared that. As Rachel likes to say, the number one rule of dating should be no talking about the ex.”
“It doesn’t bother me. I just wish I could have known you then. I wish I could have stopped him for you.” He said it calmly, but it seemed his jaw was tight over the words as he spoke. It was a strange response, and one that I hadn’t expected.
He was still looking at me, but his expression lost the hard edge my story had caused. He reached over and ran his fingertips along the side of my face. My eyes closed unexpectedly. His fingers were dry and callused from work, but they felt like a soft caress. A gentle touch from a man who looked anything but gentle, it was a contradiction that I felt deep in my chest.
I opened my eyes when his hand fell away from my face. He was still gazing at me in that way that made me feel as if I was worthy of being loved.
The ride jerked me from my thoughts as our seat rolled up again. We were dangling far above the carnival. The loud voices and the mix of sweet, spicy and smoky aromas faded away.
Ledger leaned to the side and looked down. “I think we’re at the perfect place.”
“For what?”
He turned his body more toward me. I held my breath, hoping he’d touch me again.
“For this.” He lifted his hand and cupped the side of my chin as his thumb ran across my bottom lip. Then he leaned forward and pressed his mouth against mine. The kiss was as gentle as his caress. But I could feel power behind it. He was holding back as if I was a piece of porcelain, ready to break into a million pieces. It was as if when he looked at me with those brown eyes, he could see right into that permanent dark spot in my heart and see it all. It was as if he knew everything.
He lifted his face. “Should have thought this out a little. Thought it would be romantic. Turns out, it’s kind of hard to do a kiss justice from this angle.”
“Oh, I think you did it justice just fine.” I curled my hand around his neck and pressed my mouth against his.
Chapter 12
-Jacy-
The kiss on the Ferris wheel had started out gentle, light, but by the time the ride had unloaded, we were done with the crowded carnival. Ledger had driven back to the beach as fast as his ramshackle truck would carry us. He slammed it into park in the
first available spot.
I held my toy under one arm and grabbed his hand with the other. I led him along the brick pathway to my door. My mind was buzzing and my fingers were trembling with anticipation of what might come next. The simple task of getting a key in the door took comically long. A nervous laugh bubbled from my mouth.
“Need some help?” The anxious edge in his tone matched how I felt. I was relieved to see that he was feeling the same.
“Nope, got it.” The door lock clicked open.
Before we’d even left the front stoop, Ledger pulled me into his arms. The oversized, plush giraffe got accidentally wedged between our bodies as we frantically grabbed each other, barely taking the time to part lips as we stumbled inside the house.
Ledger reached between us and dislodged Newton, before slipping his hands beneath my shirt. His fingers felt delicious as he smoothed them over my back.
I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and my lips parted naturally, waiting for his deep, long kiss. He accepted my invitation and his mouth devoured mine as I softened against him, suddenly wanting nothing more than to have him touch every inch of me. I could feel his erection, pressing against the front of his jeans, hard and tense with expectation. I hadn’t realized how long I’d been craving this kind of intimacy until now. I was sure it had more to do with the man holding me than anything else. Everything about Ledger had awakened feelings and thoughts that I’d kept hidden, locked in a dark box, only to be opened by the right man. And it seemed I’d found him.
I felt as if I was making it clear that I wanted him to touch and kiss every inch of me, but it seemed he was holding back, unsure of how far he could go.
“Jacy”—his warm breath caressed my cheek as he spoke—“having you in my arms is the best damn thing that’s happened to me in a very long time.”
“Then don’t let go.” My voice came out on a whisper.
He wrapped his hands around my waist and backed me against the front door. He pressed his palms on the door, one on each side of me. I was trapped in his circle of arms. Hot tension came off his body in waves. It seemed he’d taken his hands off me to gain control, to slow down. His brown eyes were glazed heavy with desire, and his chest was heaving with breaths as he leaned his forehead against mine.
“If you’re not ready for this, Jacy, just say the word.” He lifted his face from mine. “It’s completely up to you.”
I peered up at him. My pulse was pounding, and my pussy was already wet and warm with wanting him. “Do you want this?”
A tilted smile tipped his mouth as he gazed down at me. “Jacy, if you had any idea how long and how badly I’ve wanted this—” He stopped himself and gazed down at me with worry, as if he’d said something wrong.
I smiled. My lips felt tender from his kisses. “Well, considering we’ve only know each other a week—Still, I’ll take that as a yes.” I grabbed the bottom edge of his shirt and pushed it up above his chest. He reached back and yanked it off over his head.
He was a powerful masterpiece of muscle and ink and looking at him shirtless, standing close enough to feel the heat of his body, caused the ache between my legs to intensify.
I pressed my mouth against his chest and kissed him. There hadn’t been even a flicker of doubt in my mind. I hadn’t allowed it. I needed this. I lifted my face to him. “I want this, Ledger.”
I took hold of his hand and led him down the hall to my room.
The second we stepped inside, I threw my arms around his neck and our mouths pressed together. He reached down and fumbled for the edge of my shirt. He leaned back to watch me as he took it off. His gaze went instantly to the swells of my breasts. The hungry look on his face sent a thrilled shiver through me.
He reached up and hooked his finger under my bra strap. Slowly, he slid it down to expose my naked breast. He lowered his mouth, and I took a deep, shuddering breath as his tongue drew circles around my nipple. Instinctively, I arched my back, pressing my breast firmly against his mouth.
His hands circled my waist, and he lifted me enough to place me on the bed. The squeak of a toy startled me. I froze in his arms for a second. Then I reached beneath me and pulled out the stuffed lamb. It felt as if the blood was draining from my face as I looked down at the crumpled, fuzzy lamb in my hand. It had been right there, the darkness was right at the edge of my mind, but I’d tried my hardest to keep it back because I wanted this. But that was all it had taken, the one unexpected squeak, and the cold feeling crept back in, taking over and changing my mind for me.
I didn’t lift my face to look at Ledger as I pulled my bra strap up over my shoulder. I didn’t need to look at him. His disappointment was palpable. So was mine. I felt the excited energy that had been coursing through my body just seconds before drain away.
“I’m sorry, Ledger.” The tremor in my voice couldn’t be hidden. I pulled in a deep, painful breath as I peered up at him. There was no frustration or anger, just sad resolve, almost as if he knew what I was thinking. Ledger had an uncanny ability to understand me without me having to tell him. “I thought I was ready for this . . .”
I knew from the rigid way he held himself that it had been a huge let down.
I stuck my hands between my thighs to steady them as he sat down next to me. It might have been easier just to tell him everything, to lay it all out for him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The story was too hard to say out loud. It had been kept locked inside for too long. Ledger was a good listener and his empathy was obvious, but my courage had run off, like it always did whenever I considered talking about it.
Ledger reached across and pushed my chin up with his fingers. He leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the mouth. “I’ll wait as long as it takes. Do you want me to stay?” I’d grown used to his deep, calm voice, and just hearing it made me feel better. But I knew I needed to be alone with this again. Like always, I would get through it alone.
I stared down at the lamb. “I’ve got a lot of work to do.”
“I’ll leave you to it, then.” He got up and walked out to the front room.
I placed the lamb on my pillow, pulled on my shirt and headed down the hallway. He had just pulled on his shirt as I reached the end of the hall. He turned back at the sound of my footsteps. His face showed a mix of every emotion, and I hoped I hadn’t scared him off for good.
“I had a good time today, Ledger. Thank you.”
“Me too.” He walked out.
***
I tossed the account book on the coffee table. Rex climbed up onto the couch next to me and flopped down with a dog harrumph. I stroked his head.
It had been several hours since I’d sent a profoundly disappointed Ledger away. He’d left the house looking like a sailboat that had just had all the wind taken out of its sails. I’d felt equally disappointed. Just when I was convinced that I was moving toward normalcy, toward an attachment to another person, I was yanked back from the brink.
In the past, I had tried hard to fight for some happiness. At my parent’s urging, I’d gone to therapy and even tried some anti-depressants. But they’d only left me feeling numb, as if nothing mattered at all. And I didn’t want that. As hard as it was, I always wanted to feel the sadness, the despair, the loss. She deserved that, at least. Except that perpetual despair was also stripping me of any chance to feel whole again. Ledger had been the first person to come along and awaken some of the emotions and physical sensations that go along with being a part of the human race. I could continue to spend time floating around that in-between world where I existed but I never really lived. Or I could climb out of the haze and let myself feel life.
I got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen for a glass of wine. Newton, the giraffe, was staring at me from the corner of the front room. It had been a great day. Ledger was so easy to talk to, and I had to admit, being wi
th him made me happy.
I sipped my wine and thought back to the few hot moments we’d had before I pushed him away. I’d wanted it just as badly as him, and if I hadn’t landed on the lamb, I was sure I’d be in Ledger’s arms right now. But then again, knowing how good I was at sabotaging my own happiness, I might just have found some other stupid excuse to stop. I wondered if I’d put an end to it because of the sadness or if I was just determined to punish myself. I sometimes thought that if I was feeling too excited or pleased, I needed to squash it. Somewhere along the long, painful road, I’d convinced myself I didn’t deserve a nice ending. I’d made too many mistakes to deserve one.
I finished my wine. It had produced the slight headiness that I needed. I walked to my front window and looked out at the beach. The sun had set and left behind a clear, starry sky. Here I sat, alone, with my big snoring dog. And just several hundred yards away was a man, who didn’t really look the part, but who, so far, had been an absolute gentleman. I’d never had that before. I’d never had a gentleman.
I grabbed my sweatshirt off the hook by the door. “Be back soon, Rex.”
Chapter 13
-Ledger-
I glanced one more time down at the beach before stripping and flopping onto my mattress. After waking in an ice cold room every morning, I’d invested in a blanket. There was a floor heater in the room, but it was much better at making stink and noise than it was at producing actual heat.
I rested back against my pillow and stared up at the yellowed ceiling. The day had started just fine, but I wanted to kick myself for pushing Jacy too fast. The kiss in the Ferris wheel had been as chaste as I could make it considering how often I’d thought about her lips. But I held back and gave her a respectable peck, sure that I wouldn’t need more than that to get me through the day. But when she had returned it with a kiss of her own, making it seem as if she had been thinking about it and wanting it just as badly as me, a rush of emotions came out. All I could think was that I wanted her. All of her.