by J. P. Grider
“I don’t know.”
“Rain. It’ll be fine.”
She turned on her music and leaned back and watched the road. After they got on the highway, she spoke again. “Did my grandmother tell you about the deposition this morning?”
“She mentioned it. Said they asked a lot of questions about me.”
“Yeah. The lawyer had to remind them that you weren’t the one fighting for custody. They thought it was relevant, but our lawyer kept trying to dismiss that. I’m sure I messed up with my answers though.”
“How so?”
Her bottom lip jutted out, and Noah knew immediately that he would have to expend a lot of energy keeping his mind off kissing her for the next three days.
“How so?” he asked again.
Twisting her neck to look at him, her brows furrowed, she said, “I just told you. I was nervous.”
She just told him? “Sorry. I guess my mind wandered there for a moment. So, you were nervous. Did you say something you shouldn’t have?”
“No, I don’t think so. I just rambled like I do, and I probably came across as lying or something.”
“I’m sure you were fine.”
Lorraine bit her lip. “Mr. DeGrecco told Mimi that the sooner you get out of the house the better.”
“Figured as much.”
“I just don’t see how it’s relevant. Why should a brother have to move away from his sister? I don’t get it.”
“I guess because Aunt Margaret thinks I’m a bad influence.”
“It’s not like you’re into drugs or something. God. It’s ridiculous. You were hurting. I can’t see how they can hold that against you.”
“Hey. It’s okay. It’s temporary. Besides, if I get into Fairleigh, I’d be moving anyway.”
Lorraine nodded, but it didn’t look like she agreed.
“C’mon, Rain. We’re supposed to relax. You’re supposed to relax. You can’t do that if you’re worrying.”
She smiled on a hmph.
“Want me to drive?”
“No. I like driving. Rather be riding on the back of your bike, though.”
“Yeah. It is pretty cool, huh?”
“Noah?”
“Yeah?”
“I need a certain kind of license to ride a motorcycle, right?”
“Oh yeah. Why? You wanna drive it?”
“I wanna buy one.”
“Buy one?” Noah laughed. “You know they’re dangerous, right?”
She scoffed. “You have one.”
“Yeah, but, I’m—”
“Don’t even say, ‘you’re a guy,’ because that’s bullcrap.”
“Bullcrap. Do you ever swear?”
“I swear.”
“I never heard you.”
Rain took a moment to think about that, and while she did, Noah watched her mouth move into a pout in the most delicious of ways. He shifted in his seat and turned his attention out the window. “Yes, you have, and don’t change the subject. I want a motorcycle.”
“Then you have to take a class. I’ll find you one.”
A grin a mile wide took over her face. It made Noah happy to see her smile like that. She rarely did, having the weight of the world on her shoulders and shit. “Thanks.”
“So, whattya like about riding? I mean, you’ve only been on one twice now, right? With me?”
Keeping the smile on her face, she nodded. “I love the wind on my face, the freedom, the smells.” She looked his way momentarily and said, “The speed. I don’t know how fast you go, but I’m sure it feels faster than it is. I just love it. I seek that when I’m running, you know? The freedom to let go of everything, but I just can’t quite catch the speed I need for that.”
“You ever try riding a bicycle?” Noah joked.
“It’s not the same.”
“No,” Noah agreed. “It’s not.”
While the conversation lulled, the music on the radio filled the silence. Lorraine had on a country station. Noah hated country music, but he had to admit, each song told a story, and that was pretty cool. He closed his eyes and let Carrie Underwood tell the tale of two betrayed women who had secretly murdered their man. Noah laughed beneath his breath. “Lame.”
“What was that?” Lorraine said, interrupting Carrie’s parable.
“What?”
“You said, ‘Lame.’”
“Oh,” he chuckled. “This song.”
“Hey, Noah?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why not?”
“What was your mother like?”
Noah stiffened. He hadn’t spoken of his mother in a long time. Probably since he’d gotten released from the hospital. Did he want to answer her question? Did he want to go back there in his mind? Would it send him back into that dark place? His mother was everything to him. When she’d gone...when he’d lost her...he’d nearly lost his mind.
“If you don’t wanna talk about her, I get it. You don’t have to.”
Noah swallowed whatever it was that was making his throat close. His hand instinctively clutching his chest, he closed his eyes and tried to catch a breath. His fucking anxiety. It was happening again.
“Noah? You okay? You look...oh my God, do we have to go the hospital again?”
He felt the car drifting to the right. “No, no. Don’t stop. Don’t pull over, I’m fine.”
She pulled over anyway. “You don’t look fine.”
“Let’s not do this, please. I’m fine.” Noah gave her his most serious look and nodded once. “Go. Please.”
“Fine,” she said as she pulled back onto the highway.
“Thank you.” Noah felt bad. He didn’t want to alienate her, he just didn’t want to have another grave conversation along the side of a road.
The next hour’s drive was a quiet one. Lorraine bit her lip. A lot. And Noah wished he could turn back time and just answer her question and not have a tizzy thinking about his dead mother.
“I have to take a leak,” he called out into the hum of a country tune. “Can we pull over at that cheesecake place?”
“There’s a Cheesecake Factory around here?” Rain turned briefly to look at Noah.
“No. Cheesequake. It’s the town, but my mom used to call it ‘That Cheesecake Place.’” He smiled, despite the pulling in his chest.
“That’s cute.”
“Take the next exit.” She did, and they used the facilities.
By the time Rain came out of the restroom, Noah had bought her a chai tea and was sitting at a small table waiting for her. “If you’re hungry,” he said, handing her the tea, “we can get something here, or we can wait ‘til we get to Seaside.”
She took the tea and thanked him. “I can wait. Can you?”
“Yup. Give me the keys, I’ll drive.”
Rain looked like she wanted to challenge his request, but on a sigh, she handed over her keys. “I can close my eyes for a bit.”
Which she did, as soon as they pulled onto the Parkway. Noah glanced her way, and when he did, her left eye cracked open. “Yes?” she asked, closing her eyes again.
“Just wondering if you were sleeping.”
“Just resting.”
“Sorry.” Noah had the urge to talk; he didn’t know why. Maybe because he needed to keep his eyes on the road and didn’t have to look her way while he spoke. Maybe because the more time he spent with her, the more he wanted her to know him. Maybe he was just ready. Maybe there was no particular reason and it just felt right to finally talk about his mother. So, he did. “She was a lot like you. Friendly, but reserved.” He didn’t look in her direction, but he knew she’d opened her eyes. “Pretty too. Like you.” He paused to reflect back, then continued. “Most boys idolize their dads when their young, but not me...my hero was my mom.” Noah nodded and ran a hand down his face. “She made being a mother look so easy, ya know? I didn’t realize it until she was no longer there.” Noah’s chest constricted, and his breath
ing labored, but he continued on, unable to stop now because it was all sitting there right in his throat. “Before she had me, she worked for some big advertising agency. She got the job right out of Yale. She was smart.” He smiled. “But she married my dad, got pregnant, and quit her job to raise me. I remember asking her if she regretted giving up a job where she was so important. My father had told me that within her first year, she’d taken on some of their top clients on her own.” Noah glanced at Rain, who was already looking his way. “She told me nothing was more important than taking care of someone you love.” He ignored the tightening in his chest and chuckled on a sigh. “My father always put his job and his money first, but not my mom. Norah and I were everything to her, and she was everything to us. We fell apart when she got sick. My dad actually worked more if you could believe it. It’s like he didn’t even care that she was dying, or that we needed him. He probably had a chick on the side or something, because who would put their work first like that?”
Noah was finished talking, because now he was angry. At his dad. All his father had to do was show he cared. All he had to do was be there once in a while. All he had to do was be a dad.
“Your mother sounds like a beautiful lady,” Rain said softly. “Inside and out.”
Noah couldn’t help but smile a little. “She was.” He then turned to look at Rain. “Like you.”
“Thank you. And thank you for sharing that with me,” she said when Noah returned his gaze to the road. After several quiet moments, she said, “You think my grandmother knows. About us?”
Rain’s question took Noah by surprise. “What? No, why?”
“Why would she send us on this trip together?”
“Well, I don’t know exactly. I thought so you wouldn’t be alone, but now that you say it...why would she though? Why would she encourage a...well, anything between us?”
“I know. ‘Cause it’s wrong. Right?”
He didn’t know. Was it? “I don’t know. Is it? It’s not like we’re related. I don’t know,” he said, frustrated thinking about it.
“Just wondering. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset again, I just can’t understand why she was so quick to send us off like that.”
“You regretting it?”
“No. No. I’m worried.”
“About?”
“About? About everything. Carter and Norah. Sunny. The house. My job. Audrey didn’t sound too pleased that I was cancelling my classes this weekend. And school,” she continued. “Since Dean and I stopped talking, I’m not doing so well anymore.”
“You and Dean stopped talking?” Noah was pleasantly surprised about that declaration.
“Yeah, well, he kinda stopped talking to me. He wanted me to be his girlfriend, but I, I really didn’t feel that way about him. I wanted to stay friends, but he just avoids me now.”
Noah heard the disappointment in her voice and felt bad for being happy they weren’t talking. “He was a good friend?”
“My best. I miss him, but I understand.”
“Was there anything ever between you too? Besides friendship I mean?” Noah wasn’t sure he should have asked that, but he wanted to know if there was a chance she might just fall for Dean again. He did walk in on them making out after all.
From his peripheral vision, he saw her shake her head. “Not really. A little maybe. But he was my first guy friend who was just a friend, ya know.” She shrugged. “The first guy I never...well, you know, had sex with. I kind of liked that. I guess he didn’t, though.”
Did that make Dean more special to her than Noah was? The fact that she never slept with Dean? Now Noah was disappointed that he’d slept with Rain...even though he wasn’t too disappointed, because he really did enjoy being with her. But Noah wanted to be special to Rain, and now he wondered if Dean meant more to her than he did. Since he didn’t really know how to follow up with a response, he made her an offer. “I can help you study if you want.”
“Really?”
“Of course. If you want me to.”
“Yes, please. Finals are coming up and Anatomy and Physiology is killing me.”
Anatomy and Physiology and Lorraine. Noah let his thoughts stray. “Great. I’d love to help you,” he said instead.
“Thank you, Noah.” He heard her sigh, and when he looked, she was smiling. He liked making her smile. It was a pretty smile. “Noah?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you again for telling me about your mother. I wish I knew her.”
“She would have loved you.” Definitely.
“Oh, I don’t know about that, but thank you.”
“No, she would have definitely loved you. Your openness. Your kindness. Your goodness. My mother appreciated authenticity and genuine benevolence. And that’s you, Rain. Totally and Completely.” Noah had no idea why he was being such a dork, but Rain brought out things in him he never knew existed.
“Thank you,” she whispered, looking down at her hands on her lap.
“Soooo, what do you think your grandmother would think if she knew we...hooked up?” There. He said it. He brought the subject up again.
“I don’t know. I hope she wouldn’t be disgusted.” Rain’s voice was quiet. Apologetic.
“Disgusted? Were you disgusted?”
She laughed. He loved her laugh. “Of course not. Why would I be disgusted?”
“Then why should it matter if anyone else is?”
When her head snapped in his direction, he knew he’d gotten the attention he wanted. He didn’t care if they were stepsiblings. It didn’t feel wrong to be with her, and he wanted her to know that. “What?” Her question came out on a breath of expelled air.
He was just going to put it out there. Besides, if she didn’t respond in kind, he didn’t have to look directly at her since he needed to watch the road. “Being with you, Rain...it felt right. It feels right. Kissing you. It feels right. Holding you. Right. You sleeping on my lap...oh my God, it felt so damn right.” His knuckles were turning white as he death-gripped the steering wheel. “I don’t care that we’re not supposed to be together, Lorraine, because, my heart? My heart says differently. My heart, it wants you. I...I want you.”
“Oh,” she whispered on a breath.
Noah waited for her to say something else, anything else, but she didn’t...for the whole rest of the ride down to Seaside. At first, Noah was disappointed that she didn’t respond; he thought for sure she’d felt the same way as he did. But when the silence hung in the air for nearly thirty minutes, his disappointment turned into a strong feeling of annoyance; he was mad. He’d just spilled his heart...no, he’d torn down his well-built wall, crumpled it into tiny pieces, and tossed them away just to let her in, and with one two-letter word, she’d dumped the pieces back on the floor and trampled on them. Crushing his formerly indestructible barricade.
He pulled into the empty parking lot of the Franklin Terrace Motel and Rain said, “I hope this place isn’t too shady. I booked us two rooms early this morning, but I didn’t have time to check their ratings.” She blew out a breath. “Cross your fingers.”
“Yeah, let’s.” He forced a smile, but she frowned and walked ahead, leading him into the check-in center.
When they reached their rooms, Lorraine asked Noah if he wanted to get lunch after they dropped their bags off, but Noah declined, explaining that he was beat and needed a nap.
“Oh,” she said again, thoughtlessly throwing her destructive jargon at him. “Okay, I’m going to take a walk up the boardwalk and get a sausage and pepper sandwich.”
“Suit yourself,” he said coldly, immaturely unlocking his hotel room door and going inside.
He felt bad when he closed the door on her, but at the moment, he was hurt, and needed to be alone to begin rebuilding his wall.
***
Lorraine didn’t have to guess why Noah suddenly turned frigid. A one-word response to that kind of proclamation would have pissed her off too. But her tongue and her thoughts
were tied up in knots she didn’t know how to untangle. She wanted to exclaim, “I want you too. So badly,” but her thoughts blockaded her words. Detour. Detour. You don’t know the repercussions. And she didn’t. What would happen if she and Noah did try making it work between them? Not only would they be subjecting their family to ridicule because of the incestuous connotation the term step invoked, but if one of them wanted out of the relationship, it would put a huge strain on their already fragile family unit.
Though it was so tempting to give in and proclaim her captivation with him, her desires paled in significance to her family’s needs. And her family needed to rebuild. Succumbing to her wants, and Noah’s, had the potential to destroy their family for good.
Lorraine ate her sandwich down on the sand. She didn’t care that she had no blanket or towel beneath her, she’d taken off her shoes, sat down on her butt, and devoured her sausage and peppers. The beach was her happy place—a spot where she felt large and small at the same time. Worries couldn't touch her here, and when she looked out at the monstrous ocean, she knew she was just a small part of a bigger plan. Lorraine was at peace, if only for a moment.
“Hey.”
That strong, familiar voice drew first blood on her thoughts. “Hey. Done napping?”
Noah sat down next to her and took a sip of her soda. “Sorry I shut down,” he mumbled over the straw, looking out at the ocean instead of at her.
She knew why he’d shut down, so no need for her to pretend. “Sorry I didn’t respond to what you said before.”
Still not allowing his eyes to meet hers, he nodded.
“I’d like to explain why—” She didn’t finish; she couldn’t...because the words, “I didn’t,” were murmured into Noah’s mouth as his lips crashed over hers and claimed them.
She didn’t fight it. Again, she couldn’t...that peaceful euphoria the ocean brought her was nothing compared to the serenity she felt being encompassed in Noah’s arms, his lips consuming hers. When he pulled her in, tightening his embrace, she surrendered her inhibitions and fell pliantly into his clutch.
His kiss was urgent yet gentle, safe but wildly exciting. While she was locked in his arms, she couldn’t, for the life of her, remember why she was apprehensive about succumbing to her feelings for Noah. He wasn’t wrong when he told her she’d felt right in his arms, because it was true—she did feel right in his arms; she’d never felt more right.