The Last Time I'll Write About You

by Dawn Lanuza

Suits me to start falling

  I’ve always loved reading tragedies

  I just didn’t think you’d be

  In one of these sad stories.

  WE’RE NOT BEGGARS

  I told you not to love so much

  I hope you did not listen

  It’s better that you do it all out

  Than hand out scraps

  To people who truly need it.

  RESUSCITATE

  You keep coming back to him

  To convince yourself that

  You still feel,

  You still hurt,

  Your heart still works.

  But that’s not love,

  Don’t hang on to that.

  NOTICE OF EVICTION

  You need to move out

  Pick up your stuff,

  Dust the corners of my heart.

  You need to move out

  Sweep the floor,

  Take your writings off the wall.

  You need to move out

  Clear out the space,

  Leave absolutely no trace.

  You need to move out

  So my quiescent heart

  Learns to love again.

  The Hurt

  MEMENTO

  Throughout the years we’ve kept:

  Tickets to concerts

  Stubs from movies

  Prize toys from cereal boxes

  Notes scribbled

  Books swapped

  CDs burned

  I don’t know what we were thinking.

  Now that we’re apart

  I have all of your stuff.

  I asked you, should I return it?

  You said, hold on to it.

  Then added,

  It’s a reason for us to see each other again.

  The last time we talked

  We mentioned these mementos—

  Things that were not ours but in our possession.

  I lost your book, you said.

  I have your favorite movie, I claimed.

  Keep it, you concluded.

  Somehow keeping it

  Wasn’t as comforting

  As holding on to it

  So we can see each other again.

  When did we become such a bad idea?

  THE MENTOR

  Teach me how to forget

  Like how you taught me your name

  These words, what they meant

  And which one you liked best.

  Teach me how to forget

  Like how you taught me to say

  Good morning, good night,

  Every damn day of our lives.

  Teach me how to forget

  Like how you taught me your secrets

  Silly jokes, careful confessions

  Anecdotes and one-liners.

  Teach me how to forget

  Like how you taught me to believe

  How easy it was to disappear

  Over

  And

  Over

  Until I can no longer remember

  The last time you were there.

  IN HINDSIGHT

  Darkness is a friend

  We’ve been long acquainted

  It was nice knowing your light

  But I couldn’t be mended.

  Sadness is a cloak

  I wear around my shoulders

  You let the sun soak

  On my skin to recover.

  But the dark, it remains

  And you were slowly fading

  You bring the sun,

  But it keeps on setting.

  THE PENSIEVE

  I would like to see me in your memory

  Maybe then I’d understand

  How we turned out to be

  From the very best

  To this colossal mess

  PLEA

  You can’t help

  Those who don’t want to be helped

  That’s what you said,

  I heard it.

  I can’t help

  How I felt

  This is how I bled

  You didn’t see it.

  I liked you so much that I even dated your friends.

  MEMORY

  Did you ever talk about me

  The way I talked about you?

  With a smile or a sigh

  Never a frown or a curse.

  Did I leave you enough memories?

  I bleed your impressions

  Your every laugh and musing,

  Your stories and dreams.

  ROOT

  It’s funny how

  The thought of you makes me mad

  When all along I thought

  You’re the one person I’d exclude from that.

  That was the problem:

  I rooted for you.

  And you?

  You were just being you.

  I expected you to spare me

  Of any hurt,

  Of any lie,

  Thinking I deserved it.

  Sometimes

  I think this hate

  Is not because you hurt me

  Or because you lied.

  You proved me wrong

  And that stings more

  Than all of the things

  You’ve done combined.

  How many times do I have to break my heart before I get it right?

  IN CASE OF EMERGENCY,

  PLEASE ACT ACCORDINGLY

  I hope I never see you again

  (But if I do)

  Let’s not speak of this,

  Let it be our little secret.

  But if I do

  (Because I will)

  I hope I get to tell you,

  Hello

  And mean it when I say,

  Goodbye.

  DRUNK DIALING GHOSTS

  I never drink

  But when I do,

  Sometimes I call you.

  It would have been shitty

  Except the phone never rings.

  I never drink

  But when I do,

  I keep forgetting

  That you never again told me

  How to reach you.

  I guess I’m just gonna live with you living inside my head.

  MYSTERY SOLVED

  I think you loved me

  And I loved you

  But we never really did

  At the same time.

  CAUTION

  I tell myself,

  Stop stepping on broken glass

  But it’s too late for that.

  You can’t break what’s already been torn apart.

  ANALOGY

  You gave me a box of paint

  I never used it

  Much like

  You came to me with so much

  And I refused it.

  P.S. I still have the box. I wrote your name on it, in case someone dared to take it from me.

  FRAGILE, HANDLE WITH CARE

  I kept your clothes

  In case you’re wondering

  They’re in a box labeled yours

  Mixed with the things we’ve been missing

  The Last

  Should I be

  Thankful

  Or

  Regretful

  That my only idea

  Of love

  Is

  You?

  FOREIGN BEDS

  Late night

  In strange places

  And foreign beds

  I find myself thinking of you

  Where you are

  How you’ve been


  Who you’re with that very second

  I don’t ask

  For these are simple questions

  Only asked by people who matter

  Your family,

  Your friends,

  Your lover.

  No longer

  Never will be

  Me.

  BOTH FEET ON SHORE

  You’re not coming back, are you?

  I got used to having you drop by

  Every once in a while

  That I’ve convinced myself

  That you were coming home

  As if you belong with me,

  Not out on the sea.

  ECHOES

  Your words

  Stuck to my skin

  Painted all over

  Tattooed well under

  Your words

  Scarce over the years

  Stuck to my head

  Played back like a record

  I wish I could tell you

  All I didn’t say then

  I wish I could give you

  Answers you were searching

  I wish you were here,

  I wish you were still near.

  Your words

  Faint as a whisper

  Stick to me, still

  Cause it’s all I have left

  Of what we have and what could have been.

  STILL

  My favorite part of waking up at night

  Is realizing that you’re holding me

  That somehow, our subconscious

  Found a way to keep us linked:

  Arms around my waist

  Thighs interlaced

  Foreheads leaning in

  Our breaths colliding

  It’s so quiet,

  So calm,

  So tranquil,

  That I drift off with a grin.

  I wake up at night sometimes

  Still

  Sometimes from a bad dream

  Sometimes for no reason at all

  Then I feel sorry

  For you’re no longer there

  To wrap me in your arms

  And kiss the nightmares away.

  THE WORLD IS OUR SOUVENIR

  The world remembers

  What we try to forget

  It’s in the embers

  Of the things we left

  It’s in the concrete,

  The streets we used to tread

  In the halls we used to meet

  When we had hours to spend

  It’s in the book you carried home

  In this umbrella we shared

  It’s in the stars you wished on

  In your skin, your palms,

  Your fingers: playing with my hair

  It’s in your unmade bed

  The wrinkle, the weight

  It’s in the distance to the door I traveled

  In the silence, partings unsaid.

  LESSON

  I’m tired of missing you

  So I made a point to forget you

  But it gets exhausting

  Once you learn:

  Forgetting is just another form of remembering.

  CROOKED

  I always felt like

  Begging for your forgiveness

  For the things I was afraid of

  For the things you couldn’t fix

  But I realized

  I never owed you anything

  I never needed your approval

  I just needed to forgive myself

  I found myself, bent:

  Never quite broken,

  Never quite lost,

  Never quite yours.

  I just want to stop wasting the time I’ve been wasting on you.

  THE LAST STRAND

  I don’t even know you

  I mean

  I used to

  But you’ve become this nameless face.

  You tried my patience

  Tugged on the rope,

  Yanked and pulled

  Until you reached the point.

  I don’t even know you.

  I mean,

  I really used to.

  Sometimes I still wish I do

  But I can only take so much

  And you had the last strand.

  You can’t hurt me anymore.

  Not that you should try.

  Not that I should let you.

  FULL CIRCLE

  I told you once,

  Maybe someday I’ll write about you.

  You asked me not to,

  Said you wouldn’t read it.

  You came to me

  A few days ago

  Told me you’d read my work,

  Come back to me with what you thought.

  Days passed and you never did

  And I get it:

  I lied;

  You didn’t.

  AURORA

  You can keep ignoring me

  But I will not live in the shadows

  I am here,

  I am light.

  I am the tale you refused to tell.

  I will not be silent.

  ACCEPTANCE

  I caught a glimpse of you

  And I thought, I love you

  Still—after all the years of

  I’m over you

  Maybe loving you

  Will never go away

  But it’s over

  I know, I know, I know

  It is neither here

  Nor there

  It is a peaceful middle

  And I am okay.

  EPILOGUE

  Despite everything

  I still thank the universe

  For blessing me with you

  As my first

  If I could love you this much

  For this long

  —And on my first try—

  Then surely,

  I could love someone else more

  Far better,

  Far longer.

  P.S.

  Think of it as cruel

  Think of it as hateful

  None of this is true

  Believe it or not at all

  This started out for you

  Only it ended for me

  So with finality:

  This is the last time I’ll ever write about you.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Dawn Lanuza writes contemporary romance and young adult fiction. This is her first poetry collection. She has two first loves—music and writing—and is lucky enough to surround herself with them. She works for music by day and writes meet-cutes and snappy comebacks by night.

  She currently lives with her adopted cream toy poodle.

  Contact her at:

  www.dawnlanuza.com

  dawn.lanuza@gmail.com

  www.facebook.com/AuthorDawnLanuza

  Twitter: @dawnlanuza

  with love & gratitude to:

  #romanceclass, for the support you’ve given to this one.

  Layla Tanjutco

  Mina V. Esguerra

  Samantha Sotto

  Reginald Lapid

  Lulu Dumlao

  Jay E. Tria

  Mau Patajo

  Patty Rice and the rest of the team at Andrews McMeel Publishing, for taking a chance on a girl who lives halfway around the world.

  Maan and Ilia, for being on this journey with me.

  My family: my mom, my sister, my brother, and my niece. My dog.

  Wonderful friends, fellow poets, authors, and lyricists— you are the real inspiration.

  Lastly, for you,


  for choosing this book.

  index

  6 A.M.

  ACCEPTANCE

  ANALOGY

  AND NOW I’M RUINED

  ARE YOU OKAY?

  AURORA

  BOTH FEET ON SHORE

  BOTTOM LINE

  CAUTION

  CONFESSION

  CONSISTENCY

  CONSPIRACY THEORY

  CROOKED

  DECOY

  DRUNK DIALING GHOSTS

  ECHOES

  FOREIGN BEDS

  FRAGILE, HANDLE WITH CARE

  FULL CIRCLE

  GRIM, NOT A FAIRY TALE

  HABITS

  HEAD COUNT

  HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, KID

  “He was good for you.”

  HH

  How many times do I have to break my heart before I get it right?

  I guess I’m just gonna live with you living inside my head.

  I just want to stop wasting the time I’ve been wasting on you.

  I liked you so much that I even dated your friends.

  I meant to keep you

  IN A NUTSHELL

  IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, PLEASE ACT ACCORDINGLY

  IN HINDSIGHT

  LESSON

  LIKE A GREEK TRAGEDY

  MEMENTO

  MEMORY

  METAMORPHOSIS

  MIGRATORY BIRDS

  MODERN VAMPIRES

  MYSTERY SOLVED

  NO APOLOGIES

  NORTHERN STAR

  NOTICE OF EVICTION

  OTHER MEANS OF COMMUNICATION

  OUR SONG

  PEACE TALKS

  PLEA

  RATIONALE

  REASONS FOR REJECTION

  REFLECTION

  RESOLVE

  RESUSCITATE

  REVOLVING DOOR