For the life of me I couldn't feel socks and opted against them. As 'gross' as Faye would claim it to be, she wasn't with us and I would wear another day out of my socks.
I stood with the slightest of grunts and when I did, I noticed the hint of light cast upon Bud as he slept in the bed.
My heart skipped a beat as it always did when I saw his his eyes were open.
I laughed with a shake of my head. "Damn it Bud, I hate when you do that."
Another chuckle I reached for the door and paused when I didn't get a response.
Typically when Bud was awake and quiet, he would make a sarcastic comment.
But Bud was silent.
A lump formed in my throat. The word barely squeaked out of my mouth. It was caught somewhere in my closed up throat. "Bud?"
Silence.
I felt the twitch in my gut and my hand trembled some as I reached for the door. I opened it wider to bring more light into the room.
When I did I saw Bud. He lay on his side, one arm tucked under his head, the other draped across and dangling down the edge of the bed. His typical sleeping position and Bud looked peaceful. His eyes were open.
I walked to the bed.
An ache crept up my chest and seeped out in the form of a soft moan. "Oh, Bud." I breathed out heavily, immediately taken with a sense of loss. I reached down to him. His right arm had the appearance of settled blood, and when I touched his head, his skin was cool.
Standing there I was at a loss and it hit me how big a loss this was going to be. The boys wouldn't comprehend it and Faye was going to be crushed.
Truth was so was I.
I ran my fingers gently down across his face, closing his eyes and I took a moment. A private moment to say my own goodbye to a man I had grown to know and love.
Bud was gone. He passed away peacefully in his sleep.
THIRTY-ONE - FAYE
I didn't sleep much the night before and I was curious as to where James had gone. He never came out on the balcony, his lights never turned on. The last I saw him was when I had my late lunch and injection.
My soldier guard said he had matters to attend to and that was all I was told.
I fell asleep just before dawn and slept only a couple hours. My headache was better, I wasn't crying, but I could feel the seesaw mood swings creeping up on me as I made my first morning cup of coffee.
This was the last day for Tyler to be in the hospital. If he was strong enough they'd let him out. I bought him time by not giving my answer.
I honestly, seriously, gave it deep thought.
More than I thought I would have.
I loved my children, Mark and Sammy. Loved them more than I loved life itself. They completed me and without them I wasn't the same. A part of me longed to have that love again. To hold that child and have my chest just fill with emotions that couldn't be brought on by anything else.
That was love. The unconditional love a mother has for her child.
With that love came the chance of heartache. Heartache that I was not alone in experiencing. Mine was just different.
Perhaps the injection fueled some sort of unreasonable emotional response. I did take that into account.
As I sipped my coffee I was hit with an overwhelming sense of loss. I missed the boys, Dodge and Bud. I actually laughed when I looked at my choices for breakfast and one of them was Spam.
I swore Dodge wanted to lose it every time I suggested Spam. But he was patient, nodded and went with the flow.
In my heart I knew he'd healed from the attack, but with the days that had passed I started to worry. Where were they?
Surely even if God forbid something happened to Dodge, Bud would have brought the boys to me. James told me he made it a point to give good directions.
I worried that something was wrong, that something had happened; they should have arrived at COM Camp by now.
Just as I was about to decide on a meal, a knock came at the door. I honestly knew it could only be one person, James.
I called out for him to come in, knowing my card was outside, and he entered holding a plate.
"Hey, they had pancakes at the mess hall," James said. "Thought you might want some."
The plate was covered with a cloth. I lifted it and they looked wonderful. "Thank you."
"How are you?" he asked. "The guard said you never went on the balcony like you always do."
"I wasn't feeling all that great and not to mention I felt like I had the worst case of PMS ever."
"You'll have that when they give you a hormonal cocktail. Which I told you I don't trust. I don't get why they had to rush that."
"I don't either." I reached down and broke off a piece of the pancake. "Was there trouble last night? You weren't around."
"Nah. Things I wanted to take care of." He shrugged. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yes. But I had a rough night. Thoughts of my kids, my husband. You know."
"I do."
I brought the pancake to my mouth, enjoying it for a moment, and then looked at James with seriousness. "I'm not gonna do it."
"Excuse me?"
"I can't. I can't do it right now. I thought about it and ..."
"Faye, you don't have to explain your reasons to me."
"I know," I said. "But I have them. It's not that I am ruling out a child. I'm just not ready to have one now. If I am meant to have a child, I think I'll leave that up to fate and not science."
"Whatever you want to do. Remember that."
"How do you think they'll react?"
James took a loud breath. "Honestly, I don't know."
"Are they gonna kick me out? Not that I care, but Dodge is on his way down and I don't want him to get here and I'll be gone. He'll never find me."
"That's not going to happen."
"You mean they won't make me leave."
"I don't know about that," James said. "I'm referring to Dodge. He'll find you no matter what."
"How can you be so sure?" I questioned with slight panic. After all, I was worried about that. I had his son; I knew and felt that Dodge was on his way. We were a partnership that I didn't want apart any longer. "We can't be sure."
"Yes, I can. I was thinking ahead. If they make you leave ..." He winked. "Trust me. I have a plan."
THIRTY-ONE - DODGE
The last thing I wanted to do was wake up the boys and tell them that Bud had passed away in his sleep.
That would be a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I didn't want to leave the RV at all, it wasn't a chance I wanted to take. I hated the thought of George waking up and finding Bud.
When I heard voices outside, one soft enough not to wake the boys, I quietly crept from the RV door and signaled the two men to come over.
After alerting them to stay quiet, I asked if one of them could pass on to those in the monastery that I needed some help, my friend had died.
The looks on their faces were as if they too had lost a friend.
Their heads hung low, they conveyed their sympathies and said they'd let Deacon Jeremiah know.
I didn't want anyone coming to the RV, not yet, not until I told the boys.
When the boys stirred less than an hour later, I had their breakfast for them. Granola, some fruit snacks and juice.
"Jeremiah, said he'd give us eggs today," George said. "How come we're not having eggs?"
"I didn't feel like going to the monastery to eat," I replied, sitting at the table with them. Darie didn't seem to mind. He picked at his food. Although I bet he would rather have eggs.
"How come Bud's not up with us?" George asked.
"Is he still sleeping?" Darie questioned.
"He's in bed," I answered.
George laughed. "Is Bud being lazy today? He's never the late sleeper. We should get him for breakfast. Bet he'd want to go to the monastery."
"Stay here and eat," I told him.
"Why don't you want us to get Bud? You mad at him?"
I shook my he
ad. "No, I'm not mad at Bud." I cleared my throat. "Not at all."
The George looked at me with a side glance. "You sick? Hurt?"
"Me? No."
"You look it. You look pale. We should get Bud."
"Stay here."
"Darie, run and wake up Bud." George instructed.
Darie stood and I stopped him. "Just eat please."
"You're being rude Dodge, you can't let Bud sleep through breakfast. That's not nice," George then stood. "I'll get him."
Before I was ready, George darted toward the back. It took all of my agility to stop him.
"What is wrong with you?" George asked. "You're being weird."
I crouched down before him and stared seriously at the young boy. "Please," I spoke softly. "Go sit down. I'll tell you."
And then I did.
Their reactions weren't what I expected. Darie was a little scared, I think more so because Bud was still in the back room.
"Is he gonna get up like me and Faye?" Darie asked.
"No. No, he's gone."
I expected sadness from George, I suppose he was. But the very mature child showed nothing but anger.
He asked if he could see Bud, and after some debate, I let him go. I tried to stand in the doorway, but he asked me to leave. I don't know what happened in that back room, but when he emerged he ran right out.
Jeremiah wasn't far, in fact he was just outside the RV, as if waiting. He stood when George took off running. I moved to chase him but Jeremiah stopped me.
"Lyle's following him." Jeremiah said. "The boy needs to absorb this. To him and us everyone finished dying months ago. This is a big deal."
My hand shot to my face, I wanted to scream. I couldn't believe Bud was gone. "It's a big deal to me too."
"I'm sorry for your loss. For all of you." Jeremiah reached out laying a hand on my shoulder. "I had time to speak to Bud. He was a man of faith and knowing that, I would like to handle his burial properly."
Slowly my fingers dragged across my face. "What do you mean?"
"We have a cemetery here. I'll have two men get a spot ready and we'll have a service for him this afternoon."
I guess in my shock, I didn't handle that well. It didn't make sense and I squeaked out confused. "Why?"
"Why?" Jeremiah repeated with an emotional chuckle. "My friend, part of what makes us civilized is how we deal with our dead. This world was besieged with sickness so fast that we as a civilization put asunder all that we knew and did. The good bye, the ceremony of burial were forgotten. There were too many too fast and we tossed them like garbage and placed them in mass graves. Human beings deserve more respect than to be discarded. Those were people that were loved. But the problem was, those who loved them died along with them. Not now. Mr. Doyle has you and the boys. If we intend to be civilized and human again, we must return to all practices and that includes burying our dead with dignity."
He was right. Although what to do with Bud's remains weren't really a thought for me at that moment. I was too busy worry about the boys and how Faye and Tyler were going to react.
I agreed and thanked Jeremiah. He informed me that he would handle things and I was to handle the boys.
That was a lot.
Darie sat on Bud's folding chair and George returned shortly after, kicking his feet as he walked.
"You all right?" I asked.
"No. No. It's not fair."
"I know."
He placed his hands in his pockets and looked up to me. "Where is he? He still inside?"
I shook my head. "No, Jeremiah and a couple of the brothers took him. He'll be buried here in the cemetery."
"What!" Georg blasted. "You let them take him?"
'Yes, George. We're going to have a funeral."
"And leave him here?"
"That's what a funeral is," I said.
"I know what a funeral is Dodge," It seemed the angrier and more emotional George grew, the more his Georgia accent came out. "But they took Bud and you wanna leave him here. You can't leave him here."
"What do you want me to do? Tie him to the top of the RV and roll to Florida like that?"
"Yes," George nodded. "Cause it's his RV. This is his journey. We're his family. He deserves to be there when we find Faye."
"George that's not realistic."
"Yes, it is." He argued. "It's the right thing to do."
"Do you think Bud would want that?" I asked. "He wouldn't. He said yesterday to me that this was the place he wanted to live his last days. Well, he did. As sad as that makes us, as angry as it makes us, there is nothing we can do about it."
George sniffled. I heard it and saw it on his face but he was so stubborn and thrown by Bud's passing, that he wouldn't give into the sadness or let me see it. He scowled at me. "Fine. Nothing we can do about it. But we can do something about Faye and Tyler. Go get them. I want us all back together."
"We will be. As soon as ...."
George cut me off as he stormed by me to the RV. "As soon as we can. Fast too." He demanded angrily, then opened the RV door, paused and did a complete change of tone. He looked saddened at me with a small pout to his lips. "Please," he peeped out the word. "Please, I need Faye."
He lowered his head then slipped inside the RV.
I exhaled trying to relieve some of the heaviness I felt. It didn't work.
George was a little boy carrying a man size heartache.
There was nothing I could do to ease the pain of Bud's death. But I would do everything I could to get George and Darie, not only on the road to being better emotionally, but on the road to getting our family back together.
THIRTY-TWO - FAYE
Tyler looked the best I had seen him in a while. Even before the injury. His color returned and maybe he was given the nutrients he was missing, I didn't know. But his smile was brighter and he was playing a video game when I walked into his room. No longer was he hooked up to machines, only the shunt remained in his arm.
It was a welcome sight and I knew he was going to be leaving the hospital soon.
My early morning talk with James didn't breed any answers as to what I would do if they asked us to leave, but he was certain all would be fine.
That changed when he received a request from the president to lead the escort team to Washington DC. All that James could tell me was that it involved important government documents along with personal items.
The escort would be gone two nights. He was nervous and asked me not to say anything about my decision until he returned. To me, James went a little overboard on what 'they' may do when they found out I wouldn't be bearing a child just yet.
His fears compounded my own.
I gave him my word. I hated living under the false pretense that I was still making a decision but the two days gave him the time to return or for Dodge to get here.
Dodge.
The boys.
Even with the comforts of old life, I wanted that simple life with Dodge, Bud and the boys.
Not surprising, Tyler asked about them the second I stepped in the room. "Any word at all?" he asked.
"Not yet."
He looked down to his game controller and then back to me. "You don't think my Dad didn't make it do you?"
"You mean do I think your Dad died?"
Tyler nodded.
"No." I stated with utmost certainty. "I don't feel it. I think about Dodge and I feel he's fine. Not like I'm psychic, but we developed a bond. Something is holding them up."
"Like what?"
"Car trouble maybe."
"Can't be car trouble," Tyler scoffed. "My Dad is like the master mechanic."
"Ok well, then something else." I pulled up a chair. "Dodge is fine. They're fine. I just ... I just wished they'd get here."
"You don't wanna stay?" Tyler asked.
"As much as this is really great having electricity. I feel like I lost my sense of freedom."
"I'm feeling better, we can go when he gets here."
"I'm
looking forward to it," I grabbed his hand.
"How are you?"
"Me? I'm fine. I had a rough night. The hormone injection was like a bad drunk and I know those ..." I faked a laugh. "But ..." I exhaled. "I won't be getting another one."
"Why? Was one enough?"
"For now. However I think ... I think I'm going to let nature take its course."
"What do you mean?" Tyler asked.
"I just don't know that I am ready to be the new Eve."
A voice entered the room. It wasn't one that I expected. It was Dr. Lewis. "Is that your final decision?"
In surprise I turned in the chair and stood.
"I heard you speaking. Is that your decision?" he asked without emotions.
"Listen, Dr. Lewis. I know the timing of my decision with Tyler getting well and all is ... it probably looks like I strung you along. But I honestly thought about it. I really did. I looked at pictures of my kids on the phone. I thought of the good memories. I gave it every thought."
"I see."
He stared at me as if waiting for me to say something else. Perhaps to sputter out my reasoning. As I prepared to do just that, my eyes shifted to rushing movement in the hall and voices.
He looked over his shoulder to the commotion, and then as if it didn't faze him he returned his attention to me. I expected him at that moment to tell me to get Tyler and go, to leave immediately. I was ready for that.
"May I speak to you alone?" he asked. "Please."
Please? Dr. Lewis the arrogant, unaffected, unemotional doctor said please?
I nodded then glanced back at Tyler and then followed Dr. Lewis to the door.
We stopped when another soldier raced down the hall by us.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"Trouble with one of our divisions." He led the way down the hall.
"Division Five?"
He stopped looked at me and shook his head almost in disgust "Yes, I suppose Major Reynolds told you about them."
Immediately I thought about how concerned James was about that division and almost like a kid waiting for their parents to go out of town, it seemed Division Five waited until James wasn't around. "He told me a little. Why are the soldiers running?"
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