“Got a minute?” she asked.
I nodded, noting the solemnity in her eyes. She held the short ladder I was standing on while I climbed down. “Yeah, what’s up?” I said cheerfully.
Her eyes wandered across the lawn to Luke when she smiled. “So… you two are pretty serious?” she asked.
I took a deep breath and then nodded. “We are.”
My answer seemed to be what she expected. “I figured as much. You didn’t bring Gerard around to family gatherings until much later into your relationship.”
I thought back to the first time I introduced Gerard to my family, secretly feeling like it was too soon even though, at the time, we’d already been together for about six months. I didn’t feel that now, not with Luke. It felt like he was supposed to be a part of all this—like he was supposed to be a part of my life, my family.
She eyed me, looking over the details of my face. “He makes you happy?”
I nodded, trying not to smile, but who was I kidding.
She picked a piece of ribbon from my hair that must’ve fallen there while I was untying the bow. “Good. I’m glad.”
I nodded and that should’ve been it, but I could see on her face that it wasn’t. Her gaze shifted to the ground for a moment. “You’re doing okay, today? With all of this going on?” she asked with an air of ambiguity, but I definitely knew why she would question me of all people.
I’d been trying to make today less about me and more about my sister, but I’m human. There were moments that my mind drifted. Seeing the pity in my mother’s eyes, I made myself look away. When I found Luke speaking to his brother, I watched him instead, which seemed to lessen the sadness I’d been pretending didn’t exist–sadness that threatened to steal my joy.
“I’m good. Really I am,” I lied. “It was fun to put all this together for Aura.”
Mom touched my arm and decided not to push any further. “Well… that’s all I wanted to hear. And, baby… if you’re not okay, you know you can always come to me,” she added, giving me one last look of concern before walking away to finish the job she’d started.
I stood there for a while, unable to dismiss the thoughts my mother’s question brought to the front of my mind, mostly because, deep down, I knew I should be sharing them with someone else. On cue, Luke caught me watching him and came over. I know I wasn’t hiding my feelings very well, probably wearing the sadness on my sleeve. So it made sense when his expression changed to match mine at the exact moment he realized something was wrong.
“Everything okay?” he asked as he approached.
Don’t you dare cry here, not on Aura’s day. Suck it up.
I paused to subconsciously talk myself down, but decided right then and there that I couldn’t hide this from Luke any longer, despite the fact that my secret might affect the excitement he was feeling about marrying me. God knows it was enough to send Gerard running in the opposite direction. When I shook my head, Luke’s hand touched my cheek. It wasn’t until his thumb swiped away a tear that I realized one had fallen.
“Lissette… what happened?”
I wiped my face. “Not here, but we need to talk. Later,” I insisted, literally having to force myself to walk away from him to keep from breaking down. I pretty much avoided him for the next hour while we finished cleaning and putting Aura and Darren’s house back together after the shower. My mood was still sullen as we said our goodbyes and on the drive back to my apartment.
When we pulled up to the door, Luke put the car in park and had taken the key out the ignition when I stopped him. He stared with concern heavy in his eyes when I placed a hand on top of his.
“I thought you wanted to talk,” he said solemnly, his face giving away so many of his thoughts without him even having to voice them.
Oh, God… did he think this was about him? Something he’d done?”
“Luke, it’s fine, really. I don’t want Matt to have to wait, so just send me a text when you get in and get settled. We’ll video chat.”
This wasn’t what he wanted. That was clear. If I had to guess, he wanted nothing but to head upstairs to talk about whatever had taken my mood from high to low so quickly, but I wasn’t in a rush. Aside from now not seeming like the right time because Matt was with us, I also needed to figure out how to say this and also to prepare myself for the possibility of my news making Luke want to back out. In the very least, I feared that he’d secretly start taking me and this marriage less seriously once he knew.
“I’ll at least walk you up to your place,” he offered, but I didn’t want that either. I could feel tears stinging my eyes and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep them at bay. When I shook my head to protest, Luke let his head fall back against the headrest, probably feeling frustrated by my unwillingness to compromise.
“Just message me when you get settled,” I repeated, racking my mind as I tried to predict what he’d say, how he’d look at me once he knew what I’d been holding in.
*****
Luke
What could have possibly changed so quickly? What could’ve made her cry on a day that I expected her to be on cloud nine? At first, she was, but then something changed. It was like, when the shower was over, she just fell apart.
It was shortly after 9 p.m., but I didn’t bother changing out of my clothes, instead just unbuttoning my shirt while I waited for Lissette to respond to my text. It felt like it took her forever to get online, but when she did, I sent her a chat invite immediately, trying not to be nervous about whatever she had to say.
The second I saw her face, I knew she’d been crying. Not just a few tears like at the party or the night we met. Her eyes were red and swollen and her voice was still nasally when she greeted me with a flat, “Hey.”
This was killing me. I wanted to hold her while she told me all about it, but she wouldn’t have that. Whatever this was, she was more comfortable addressing it with me at a distance.
“Hey,” I finally replied.
She looked down and I noticed she was chatting from her living room tonight instead of her bedroom like we usually did. After a while, she met my gaze and took a deep breath.
“I never told you why Gerard and I broke up,” she began.
I thought back to our conversation about him. All she’d said was that he wasn’t exactly a nice guy and that he was now engaged to someone else.
Lissette cleared her throat. “I know I made it seem like he was just this terrible person, like he left me for no reason, but…” she paused and shook her head, staring at the wall instead of me. “It wasn’t really fair for me to say that about him. I mean, yeah, he hurt me, but he didn’t just walk away for no reason. In a sense, he was just being true to himself, leaving because there were certain things he wasn’t willing to give up just to be with me.”
Confusion mounted and I could feel my expression change. Still, I didn’t interrupt. From the looks of it, this was hard enough for her to talk about already. Lissette took a deep breath and blotted her eyes with a tissue that was already wadded up. It was painful just watching her.
“Luke, I’m sick,” she forced out in one breath, sending my heart to my stomach when she said it. I thought back to seeing her take the meds, but honestly tried to make myself think those were for something minor, not something that’d require a long, drawn out confession. Clearly I was wrong, though. Whatever was going on wasn’t just something she’d get over in a week or two and whatever it was, had been too much for her ex to handle. I drew air into my lungs and then let it go. It still felt like I shouldn’t speak, though.
Lissette fumbled with the tissue again and then gave up trying to absorb her tears with it. There were too many, too much emotion to quench. “It isn’t something that can be fixed,” she added. “So if you can’t deal with it, then—”
I had to cut her off there. “Lissette, I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to be afraid to talk to me.” This felt wrong, doing this over the computer, but that was how she wa
nted it.
Shaking her head, she wouldn’t look at me. Her heart was so heavy, but I wished she’d just tell me what was up so I could ease her mind, so I could tell her it was okay. When she lifted her eyes again, I held my breath and waited.
“I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was thirteen and even with the treatments, it just keeps progressing. The doctors have put surgery on the table as an option, but they all say that my chances of it working are slim to none.”
I was pretty sure I understood what she was saying, but my suspicions were confirmed when she added, “I can’t have kids, Luke,” stating it plainly.
The words hit me like a ton of bricks, but I held my composure. She didn’t need to see me react, didn’t need for me ask her questions or bombard her with suggestions. All she needed was for me to hear her, so I did.
“That’s why Gerard broke things off. He said he couldn’t plan a future with me, because… because he wanted to have children of his own. When he found out I couldn’t give him that…” her eyes were so lifeless when they landed on me. “He moved on.”
I’d taken her word that this guy was a dickhead already without explanation, but now? Now I had cold, hard proof to back up the theory.
It brought my attention back to the screen of my laptop when Lissette exhaled sharply. “I just didn’t want you to get into this not knowing. It wouldn’t have been fair for me to have taken away your choice like that. You’re too good a guy.”
The courage that it took for her to tell me, a stranger basically, something so personal was inspiring. There was something in my own past that I needed to share with her one day, but now was definitely not the time.
“Lissette.” When I said her name, she met my gaze with desperation, as if she was pleading with me to be different, pleading that I wouldn’t respond the way Gerard—and maybe others—had responded. “You can’t change this and it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
There was silence and I wondered what she was thinking. Did she suspect that I was just saying what I thought she wanted to hear? By some small miracle, did she believe me?
“I’m not leaving because of this,” I assured her, knowing what it meant I’d be giving up. “When the time comes for us to think about all that, we’ll explore our options.”
It looked like my words finally hit home and more tears flooded her eyes. “I hear you, but if you change your mind, I’d–”
“I’m not going to change my mind,” I cut in. If anyone knew what it felt like for something that was out of your control to consume you, it was me. I sympathized with Lissette in a way she wouldn’t understand, but I did.
I did.
Chapter Nine
Lissette
Two days and I’d be Luke’s wife. That was it. That was all the time either of us had left to call ourselves single. Some might think this dose of reality came with some sort of anxiety or stress, but honestly? There was none of that, especially since I’d been able to come clean about my condition. Now, with that part out of the way, I felt even closer to Luke.
All that was left to do was clue our families in on what our plans were, starting with my family tonight. We were still prohibited from telling them about the documentary based on the terms of our contract, but it didn’t even feel like any of that mattered anymore. Making this all the more real, Luke and I had gone to the County Building to get our marriage license the day before. We now had tangible proof that we were intending to marry, something to hold in our hands that was legally binding.
Afterward we went to lunch and talked about my condition in depth. Surprisingly, I didn’t shed a single tear as I explained what I’d been through and how my life had been affected by it all. Luke made me feel like I was still whole, still just as much a woman in his eyes as I was before he knew what was going on. I fell for him just a little more during the conversation we shared over burgers and milkshakes at a restaurant he frequented downtown. He made me feel so comfortable talking to him; like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me or think less of me.
Luke was just so… different.
The sound of buzzing coming from the intercom sent a jolt of excitement rushing through me. I knew it was him. Within a minute or two, he and Matt were at my door and I tried to contain myself.
“Hey,” I said casually, masking the emotions I’d bottled up inside.
Luke smiled and kissed my cheek, which I didn’t expect. With his lips still near my ear he whispered to tell me how beautiful I looked and my eyes fluttered shut, realizing that the sexual tension between us was escalating to unbelievable heights as the days passed. Our first encounter, whenever it’d be, would be explosive. I could feel it in my bones. As he passed, he latched onto my fingers for a fraction of a second, causing my skin to come alive with goose bumps in that brief moment that we made contact.
I couldn’t believe the affect this man had on me already.
“Yo,” Matt said loudly, breezing into my apartment to get his equipment set up before my family arrived. When he made his presence known, the intimate exchange between Luke and I subsided and I was snapped back to reality and away from thoughts of foregoing this dinner entirely just to take him to my bedroom. I had plans to make him wait for that, but more and more I was having second thoughts.
Luke took a seat on the couch and I took one on the armchair adjacent from him, trying not to stare, but it was hard. When my eyes went to the clock, I realized my people would be showing up any minute and a number of them wouldn’t be speaking to me afterward, I feared.
There was no dinner tonight, just the family. I simply told them all that I needed to share something important with them and left it at that. Soon enough they’d know what was up.
Soon enough.
“Nervous?” Luke asked, gesturing toward the leg that I had crossed over the other, shaking it as I tried not to think about what I was about to do.
I nodded when denying it seemed futile. “Very.”
He grinned. “That’s to be expected. I’m nervous as hell about telling my family tomorrow if it makes you feel any better.”
And it didn’t. Actually it made matters worse because I’d have to be present for that announcement, too.
It looked like Luke had more to say, but our conversation was interrupted by the arrival of either a sibling or my parents. Unsure, I buzzed whoever it was in and then just unlatched the door before sitting. Matt adjusted the last of his cameras and quickly hightailed it to my bedroom where he’d observe again. Although my family knew he existed now, it’d still seem kinda weird for him to be present for this.
I cleared my throat as I heard footsteps approaching and then held my breath. Luke’s eyes went to the door when he put on a warm smile, but I couldn’t. I was too afraid that whoever it was would notice the guilt on my face and would call me out on it.
A soft tap hit the back of my head. “Hey, girlie,” Aura said, holding her lower back as she waddled to the side of me. “Hey, Luke,” she added politely with a wave. He said it back and asked how she was doing. They chatted briefly and then my sister finally took in my expression and burst out laughing. She was the only one who knew why we were here tonight, so I calmed down a little. She wasn’t one of the ones I was afraid to face.
“Why you sittin’ over here all red in the face? Isn’t this what you wanted?” she asked.
Of course it was—the marrying Luke part, not the part about having to break the news. “I just don’t know what to expect,” I admitted.
Aura sat on the arm of my chair and messed with my hair while she thought about that. “Well, I imagine it going something like this: Delia, Bean, and Brooklyn are gonna be pissed and tell you how they feel to your face, and then Momma and Daddy are gonna be quiet and hold it in until they get home. Either way, you’ll get a ton of ‘What the hell are you thinking?’ and ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this!’ text messages over the next few days.” She finished speaking and shrugged.
�
�Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I asked.
She shook her head. “Nope, it’s supposed to prepare you.” She placed a hand on my shoulder. “They’re not gonna be happy, Liss. Not right away, so just don’t set your heart on that.”
While she was right, the harsh dose of reality didn’t sit well with me. In fact, when the next visitor arrived, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
Luke noticed and volunteered to answer this time, waiting by the door until my other three sisters approached. I decided to face them, and my fear, head on. First they all looked Luke over, but not with the same scrutiny they had the first time. Being around him at Aura’s shower, they’d softened up to the idea of him being around. They were all smiles and soft-spoken greetings this time.
We’ll see how long that lasts.
Ten minutes later my parents had arrived and the whole gang was here, even my niece and nephews. I set them up in the dining room with coloring books and crayons that I kept here for them. This way they wouldn’t be up under the grownups if things got ugly.
There was no sense in beating around the bush, so I quieted the side conversations and got everyone’s attention. Luke stood beside me, stiff and somewhat uncomfortable from what I could tell, but he still managed to seem confident.
I cleared my throat and got on with it.
“Well… I didn’t ask you all over here for nothing. There’s obviously something I want to talk to you all about.”
“It better not be what I think it is,” Bean said just loud enough for everyone to hear.
I glared at her and she glared back, folding her arms over her chest. I didn’t let it show on the outside, but now I was even more intimidated than before. Maybe it’s because I respect Bean’s opinion or maybe it’s just because I’d become accustomed to being this way around her because she’s my oldest sister, but I felt my nerve falter just a little all the same. When I hesitated, Luke placed a hand on my back.
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