Unintentional

by Harkins, MK

  I have to know. “Why not?”

  Cade stares down at the table. He seems to be conflicted. “I’m just not in a place to make any decisions. You saw me yesterday. I’ve been like that for a month.”

  I ask, “How long are you going to allow yourself to be like that?”

  Cade’s head pops up, and I get another one of his piercing stares. His look is a mixture of anger, and there’s something else in his expression. I just can’t place it. I’m not going to back down. I’ll continue to stare right back until I get an answer.

  After what seems like forever, his eyes soften, and he answers, “I don’t know.” He takes his sad eyes and looks out the window.

  So this is what heartbreak looks like. He’s suffering, I know with certainty. I won’t mention to him I think he’s lucky. I wish I could feel that strongly for someone, even if it was for just a little while. I can feel tears threaten the back of my eyes. I blink them away quickly, but it’s too late. Cade is staring at me again – this time with a questioning look on his face.

  I smile brightly and say, “Can we check back with you in a few months?”

  “It’s going to take longer. I won’t be making any decisions for at least a year.”

  “A year!” I scream. What the hell?

  I’ve startled both Cade and Sophie. I guess I shouldn’t have shouted it.

  “Cade, there’s so much we can do in a year’s time. Please rethink this.” I’m starting to sweat again. This day just keeps getting longer.

  Cade’s smile is gentle this time, like he knows he’s upset me, and this time it looks like he’s trying to smooth it over.

  “Yeah. I’ve made my decision. I’m going back to work next week at my engineering firm. If the guys in the band still want me, I’m going to start practicing with them again. I’m not sure about performing yet. I don’t know if I’ll go back.”

  My eyes close in an effort to stay calm. “I totally get why you need some time off. But, Cade, why would you even consider not performing? You’re so damn good. Correction, you’re great.”

  Cade looks resigned. “I just know myself. I know it’s going to take me that long to get over things, and to figure out what I want to do with my life. Like I said, right now isn’t the time to make life-changing decisions.”

  “But a year? That’s so long!” I’ve always been an impatient person, and it’s coming through loud and clear.

  Sophie laughs, touching my arm. It’s her signal for me to back off.

  Sophie asks, “So, Cade, let’s say we wait a year and you decide to go forward with the band. Can we have the first crack at you?”

  It’s obvious Sophie and Cade have already bonded.

  He reaches over and shakes her hand. “It’s a deal.”

  Sophie jumps up suddenly and says, “Fantastic! Laurel, I’ll leave you to finish up. I’m going down to the valet to get the car.” Off she goes. Great, it’s just the two of us.

  Cade asks, “Can I walk you to your car?”

  I get up and retrieve my purse from under the table. That’s a relief. I don’t want to sit and stare at him any longer. Sitting across from him is exhausting. The pull I feel for him has totally scattered my brain. I can’t even think straight. We head down a long, dark corridor leading out toward the street.

  Cade stops suddenly and takes me by the shoulders. “Can I ask you a favor?”

  He’s so close, I can smell his aftershave, and I’m momentarily disoriented. I nod. He turns me halfway around so my back is against the wall, he still has his hands on me. What is he doing? He leans in. His mouth is only an inch from mine. I thought I was all kinds of messed up at lunch. Now, my body is in full alert. Fight or flight. Do I run? His lips brush softly against mine. Oh, no – I’m not running.

  “It’s an experiment,” he says as he continues to sweep his soft, full lips against mine. He does this a few more times until I think I’m going to go crazy. I have never felt anything like this. Ever. I need more, so I let my head tilt just slightly. That’s apparently when the flood gates open, because Cade suddenly pushes me against the wall, deepening the kiss. His body is pressed against mine with the perfect amount of pressure. I hear him groan as he grasps the back of my head and pulls on my hair gently. My hands curl into the fabric of his t-shirt as I pull him closer. What is happening? The feelings rushing through me are the most powerful, all-consuming I’ve ever experienced. He lets go of me suddenly and takes a step back.

  “Good. I’m not dead.” He turns and says, “I’ll see you in a year!” Then he leaves.

  What?

  ∗∗∗

  “I told you, Sophie, I hate him and I don’t ever want to see him again.”

  Sophie is exasperated. “Laurel! Just stop ranting and tell me what he did. I don’t get it. We worked so hard to get him to at least talk to us when he makes his decision. Now you just want to throw all that effort away?”

  “Yes. If it means I never have to see him again.”

  I’m pacing back and forth in our hotel room. It’s a lovely room, right in the heart of Seattle, with views that reach across the sound to the Olympic Mountains. I stop at the window and look out.

  I turn to Sophie. “There are two things I want to do right now. I want to go home, and I’m breaking it off with Douglas.”

  Cade

  I shouldn’t laugh, but that girl, Laurel, is too much fun to aggravate. It’s like sticking a branch into a beehive. Man, she’s fiery. She has a temper, one I needed to get away from right after I kissed her. I sensed another slap coming my way. I chuckle, remembering her face as I left.

  The weird thing is, I didn’t want to leave. Not at all. I was enjoying myself way, way too much. That kiss, was… I shake myself out of it. I’m not going to make more out of the kiss than it was. It was just a kiss.

  No, who am I kidding? I can’t even talk myself into believing it was nothing. I had to force myself to stop, which never happens to me. The kiss I shared with Mattie was the best I’d ever had in my life up until Laurel. Did I like the kiss with Laurel better? No, it must have been the situation.

  I sat across from her for an hour at lunch, watching every emotion cross her animated face. One minute, I was feeling bad for her, then I was laughing with her, the next I wanted to shove her up against the wall, which I ended up doing. God, that was fun.

  What’s wrong with me? It must be the rebound syndrome. I have all these pent up emotions, and I must have just let every one of them loose with that kiss.

  I drive up and park my car in my very small one-car garage. Most people who own houseboats on Lake Union don’t have the luxury of owning a garage. I’m one of the few lucky ones. I lock up and walk down the dock to my house. Stopping for a minute, I look out onto the lake, appreciating it for the first time in what seems like forever. Breathing in, I take in all the fragrant smells from the greenery and moss coming from the various plants scattered about, the wood and tar from the dock, to the faint smell of gasoline, thanks to the many boats and seaplanes.

  The lake has its own earthy scent, a little heavier than most lakes because of the little bit of salt that seeps in from the sound through the Chittenden Locks. Some people don’t like the smells here, down on the lake, but I love them. I take a long look at my house, almost as if I’m seeing it for the first time. It feels like I’m waking up from a long nap. I don’t know what happened to me today, but one thing is certain, things have to change.

  I walk the remaining few steps to my front door and put the key in the lock. I glance over and notice the flowers in each window box have died. I reach over and start pulling them out one by one placing them in the garbage located behind the house. I take another look at the garbage can and drag it through my front door. I’m going to need this today.

  As I enter, I’m assaulted by the horrendous odor of stale beer, dirty dishes, and unwashed clothes. Holy shit, what happened in here? I feel a rush of embarrassment, realizing people, many people, have seen it like this. I j
ust didn’t give a damn. Until now. The thought of Laurel seeing this pigsty seems to bother me the most. She must think I’m a slob, which apparently I am, but not for long.

  The next six hours are spent cleaning and organizing every room from top to bottom. I can’t believe I let this get to this point. This isn’t me. I’ve sat around for a month feeling sorry for myself. I don’t think I’m completely over that part of it, but, at least, if I continue with my pity party, the house will be livable.

  After I finish, I decide to relax and grab a beer. I open the refrigerator and realize I still have more to do. More than one science project is growing on various shelves. The green mold has taken over.

  Leaning in, my hand reaches for an Abyss, one of my favorite Russian stouts. I stop suddenly. I look at the name as I contemplate drinking it. Abyss, well, that’s an appropriate name for the black pit I’ve been living in. I put it back and reach for a bottled water. Things are going to change starting now.

  Chapter 6

  Laurel

  October

  “No, don’t do it Laurel.” Douglas looks across the table at me, panic written all over his face. He reaches across and takes my hand. “You haven’t given us a chance. We haven’t even—”

  “I know, and I’m so sorry about everything. I really do care for you, but not in that way.”

  His face falls. “How do you know? Every time I’ve tried to get closer to you, you shut me down. And now, this? Please, Laurel, don’t give up on us. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so good for me, in every way. I feel alive when I’m with you. I’ve never been happier. I think I love you.” He winces, like he’s in pain. “No, I take it back. I know I love you. I’ll beg if you need me to.” He tightens his hold on my hand, squeezing it almost painfully.

  We’ve met at Bestia, an Italian restaurant in downtown Los Angeles. It’s been our favorite meeting place for the past few months. The ambiance is just right. It’s quiet enough to hold a conversation, yet noisy enough to interfere with anyone trying to eavesdrop. It’s the ideal setting for a discussion like this. So far, we haven’t drawn any attention from any of the other diners. Now, I just need to make sure it stays that way.

  Douglas is dressed in his usual attire, a crisp blue suit, white shirt with a plaid tie. His dark, neatly trimmed hair is combed perfectly, not a hair out of place. He’s very handsome in a banker type of way. I thought, at first, we’d be a good match, in the opposites attract sort of way. I do really like him, but after the kiss with Cade, I knew what I’d be missing. I need that type connection, fire, passion, or lust – whatever I was feeling. I want more of that. But not with Cade. I still hate him. I can’t think about it now, I need to stay focused.

  I didn’t expect this reaction from Douglas. I need to give him the words to make this easier. I don’t want him to feel bad. If he’d shown a glimmer of this passion in the last three months, I might have considered staying in the relationship, just to see where it went. He always seemed so polite with me, almost formal. I have feelings of warmth and affection for him, but it isn’t anything close to what I felt with Cade. It doesn’t matter though. Nothing will happen with Cade, but I still need to come clean.

  “I kissed someone else while I was in Seattle.” I’ve heard confession is good for the soul, but apparently, it isn’t good for Douglas, because now, he looks angry. Very angry.

  “So that’s how it is. Was it the rocker you were trying to sign, is that it? Seriously? I thought you had more class than that, Laurel.” He leans back in his chair, crossing his arms. His expression has gone neutral. Now this is the Douglas I know. Controlled. Unemotional. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long.

  He shifts in his chair, the pained expression back on his face. “I’m sorry, Laurel. That was uncalled for. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This is so unexpected. I thought everything was going well. I guess I wasn’t prepared for this.”

  This conversation is like a rollercoaster. He’s all over the place. Where is the emotionally steadfast and stable Douglas? He leans forward and places his head in his hands, rubbing his face. Is he going to cry? I can feel my throat start to tighten. Sweat breaks out in small beads on my forehead. This is not happening.

  “Douglas, I had no idea. I thought you’d just, um, brush this off.” I absolutely hate hurting people. It’s unintentional, but nonetheless, I’ve caused him pain.

  “I’m going to win you back, Laurel. I’ll prove to you we’re meant to be together.” His eyes pierce mine with determination. He stands up abruptly, his chair making a scrapping noise on the hardwood floor. He throws a wad of cash down on the table then turns and leaves, walking straight out the door without a backwards glance.

  I say, “Bye,” in a quiet voice, knowing he can’t hear me, but I feel like I need some closure, even if he doesn’t.

  Chapter 7

  Cade

  January

  “I wonder if hypnosis would work.” Scott peers into my eyes like he’s trying to see something buried in there.

  I shove his shoulder back. “Get out of my face, would you?” Scott’s one of my best friends, but man, he can get on my nerves.

  “You gotta get over this, Cade. It’s been over five months. You can’t keep moping around like this forever. You have to move on.” Scott looks concerned.

  “I have moved on. I’m back at work. I’ve started back up at Emerald City Nightclub, singing with you jerks. What more could you want?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. Maybe you could quit walking around like a zombie? You’re simply going through the motions, Cade, but you aren’t really living.”

  I hate to admit it, but he’s right. Even though I’ve cut back on my drinking, I still feel numb.

  “Mattie sent me a text today. She wants to make sure you’re doing okay.” Scott looks at me cautiously. He knows this is a sensitive subject.

  “I’m fine. We’ve been texting back and forth for about a month now. I told her I’m all right. I don’t know why she’s asking you.” I’m a little frustrated. For some reason, I’m not comfortable with Scott and Mattie talking about me.

  “Don’t be upset with her. She just cares about you. Even though she’s with Jeremy now, it doesn’t mean you two can’t be friends.” Scott puts his hands together, like he’s pleading with me.

  “I still can’t accept it. My mind wants to, but I seriously can’t stand that guy.” I shake my head trying to banish the memory of Jeremy punching me, knocking me to the floor. It was a sucker punch. I still owe him for that.

  “You need to give him a chance. That psycho Sarah did a number on them both. He didn’t deserve any of it. He’s a nice guy once you get to know him.” Scott puts his lips together suddenly. Too late.

  “What the hell, Scott? Are you two buddies now? Have you been hanging out or what?” My body is tense. I have an irrational feeling of betrayal.

  “I haven’t said anything because I knew you’d be pissed. But yeah, we’ve hung out a few times. Remember, Cade, I was friends with Mattie, too. I won’t cut her out of my life because she’s with Jeremy now.”

  I know I don’t have a right to be angry, but damn, it feels like I’ve been slapped.

  “Cade, if you could see her, if you could see them together, I don’t think you’d be so miserable. I’m not kidding, it’s like, when you’re with them, you know they should be together. I really haven’t seen anything like it.” He’s nodding his head trying to convince me. It’s not working.

  “Oh, and that’s supposed to make me feel better? You know how I felt about her, hell, how I still feel about her. I can’t see them together. It’s too soon.”

  Scott slaps my shoulder. “I get it. But think about it though. She wants to come see us perform again. She misses us – all of us, Cade.”

  “I’ll think about it. But it won’t be anytime soon.”

  Mattie

  January

  “Cade said we could come tonight!” I reach over and hold onto Jeremy’s han
d.

  His eyes widen as he takes in the surprising news. “Really? What did he say?”

  “He said it’d be great! Isn’t it wonderful? Oh, Jeremy, I’m so excited. You’re going to love them. I’m so relieved. Cade must be feeling better about all of this, don’t you think?”

  Jeremy takes me into his arms and gives me a gentle kiss. “I hope so, Mattie. I wouldn’t get your hopes up though.”

  “We’ve been texting a little bit for the past month. He sounds good. I think he’s finally accepted we weren’t meant to be. Scott told me he’s had a few conversations with Cade and he’s coming around.”

  I can feel a weight being lifted from me. I’ve been so happy since Jeremy and I reunited, but I haven’t been able to shake the feelings of sadness and guilt since the day Cade and I had our talk in my hospital room.

  I know I disappointed Cade, but it was better sooner rather than later. We could have gone on months, even years, but I knew in my heart, I would always love Jeremy, even if I thought he was unfaithful. I found it impossible to not love him, though I tried with all my might.

  Cade would have eventually resented me and my feelings for Jeremy, even if we started a full-fledged relationship. Looking back, I know it wouldn’t have worked. If Cade takes enough time to think things through, he’ll realize it, as well.

  “He might be okay with us being together, but Mattie, when he finds out we’re married, how do you think that will go over?” His forehead creases in concern.

  I think back to the summer I spent with Cade. The truth is, we had a solid friendship beyond anything else. We had so much fun together. That’s the hardest part of our separation. I miss him so much. I sincerely hope we can get past this. I know I want him in my life. He was there for me when I needed a friend, and he was the best friend a girl could ever ask for.

  I remember, with such fondness, the days we spent together, going to the park, cooking, watching movies, going to the shows, all of it. I healed that summer, and Cade was a huge part of it.