Unintentional

by Harkins, MK

  Now, I feel disconnected from him and the band. Scott’s been great though. He’s gone out with Jeremy and me a few times, and he gives me the low down on what everyone’s doing. I haven’t seen or heard from Mica or Ayden, but I have remained friends with Mary, Mica’s girlfriend.

  Mary understood from the start the situation I was in. I was trying desperately to get over Jeremy, thinking he had cheated on me with my best friend. It still takes my breath away remembering the truth. The friend I grew up with and loved like a sister was capable of such treachery – drugging Jeremy and the lies and deception that followed.

  It all ended in the murder of an innocent man, who was just trying to do his job. My eyes moisten as I recall Jerry, the bouncer at Emerald City Nightclub. He was a good guy with a family. Sarah took that from them. She lost her life due to the hate that filled her. I can’t imagine dying with such ugliness.

  I still pray for Sarah and for her dear parents, Dan and Nancy Bailey, and Jerry’s family. Shaking free from the negative memories, I force myself back into the present.

  Jeremy links his hands into mine and gives a little squeeze. “Do you think your Seattle friends will mind that we eloped?”

  “I think they’ll be sorry they missed it, but they won’t be angry or anything. They just want us to be happy.” I know they do, or at least I hope so. Especially Cade.

  When Jeremy and I reunited in August, we knew we wanted to get back to living our lives quickly. We’d missed so much time together. We made the decision to travel back to Sedona, Arizona to get married at Jeremy’s parents’ home. It was a wonderful ceremony, with just our family in attendance. We both knew we didn’t want a big wedding. The day would be about us, our love, and to celebrate finding our way back to each other. It was magical.

  “If you’re sure you want to go, I’ll support you. But I’m warning you, if Cade gives you a hard time, I’m not going to be okay with it.” Jeremy’s face softens. He’s worried about me.

  “Cade’s a good guy, Jeremy. You never got the chance to know him. Once we get past all this, I’ll bet you and he become good friends.”

  Jeremy chuckles a little. “That’s one of the things I love most about you, Mattie. Your optimism. I think you underestimate his feelings for you. I don’t think he’s going to want anything to do with me.” He looks a little sad knowing how important Cade’s friendship is to me.

  “He will. It’s just going to take some time.” As I say the words, I feel a mix of hope and anxiety. I miss Cade. I really want to keep him in my life. Am I being selfish?

  Jeremy takes me into his arms and rubs my back. He always knows when I’m feeling nervous.

  ∗∗∗

  I didn’t realize how much I missed coming to see the guys play until we walked through the front entrance of the Emerald City Nightclub. Squeezing Jeremy’s hand, we make our way through the packed room, looking for any available table. I’m so grateful we were able to convince Sam and Julianne to come with us. Sam is a college friend of Cade’s, and Julianne is his wife. Hopefully, it will soften the blow when he finds out Jeremy and I were married a few weeks ago.

  Looking around the huge nightclub, it appears we might be standing tonight. I look down at my heels, trying to decide if I’ll ditch them, when Julianne suddenly takes my arm. She’s pulling me along, making a beeline to a free table. We’re in luck, a couple just left a prime table situated almost right in front of the stage. I’m excited as we settle into the seats to enjoy the show.

  Just as were sitting down, Julianne catches sight of my wedding band and squeals loudly. Oh boy, I was hoping to keep this quiet until after the show.

  She jumps up and down with her hand covering her mouth, loudly proclaiming, “I knew it! I knew it!”

  Now, unfortunately, everyone knows it.

  I catch Cade’s eye and wave at him. Our eyes lock, he hasn’t missed Julianne’s performance. He looks over at me, glances at Jeremy, and gives me a little nod. He’s not smiling. Cade grabs something behind the speakers, is it a bottle? Yes, it appears so, as he tips it back and takes a long drink. I don’t ever remember Cade drinking while performing.

  He turns and nods to his band mates and says loudly into the microphone “Who wants to hear Demons?”

  The crowd cheers loudly, encouraging them. Cade turns back to the band, gives a little wave, and they launch into the song. I really do love this song, but it’s not what they usually play. They usually perform songs that are a little more upbeat.

  It doesn’t matter though, they sound great. I look over at Jeremy with an “I told you so look” and he nods in agreement. I really appreciate his support. I know a lot of men would feel threatened and would refuse to support the friendship that is so important to me.

  Cade closes his eyes for most of the song, until he gets to the lyrics that say:

  They say it’s what you make

  I say it’s up to fate

  it’s woven in my soul

  I need to let you go

  At that very moment, he looks up, and sings it directly to me. Did I just imagine that? I look around the table, and Jeremy, fortunately, has leaned over and is talking to Sam. Good. I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong idea. I’m sure it didn’t mean anything.

  Cade takes another drink and announces the next song. He’s asking if there are any Beatles fans. I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable. I shift in my chair a little, trying to rid myself of the uneasy feeling starting to creep in. Jeremy doesn’t know Cade sang me a Beatles song before, so I’m sure he won’t notice, but I’m starting to feel on edge.

  The guys, Scott, Mica, and Ayden look confused by his song choice. He leans over and whispers to them. They look hesitant, but go along.

  As they sing “I’m a Loser” I feel dread in the pit of my stomach. The crowd loves it though. Their reaction is very much like when he sang a Beatle’s song for me last July, with everyone joining in and having a great time. They finish the song, and I take a deep breath of relief. I hope Cade is done sending me what I think is a message. I want to yell at him, “I get it!” but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. I’m praying the next song is a generic, non-love song.

  Cade sways slightly as he speaks into the microphone. “Let’s slow it down a little. Here’s one for all you guys that let ‘The One’ get away,” and he launches into “Let Her Go” by Passenger.

  Now I’m sweating. I see Sam give me a sideways glance, trying to see if I’m connecting the dots. Oh, yes. I am getting the message, loud and clear. I remember Cade liked to communicate through his music, and boy, he is really trying to get his point across. I wonder if Jeremy has started to get suspicious yet.

  I’m trying to figure out a way to make our escape when he tells the crowd he wants to sing an Adele song and asks if they’d like to hear it. There is wild clapping and shouting. Scott gets up from his drums and whispers something in Cade’s ear. Cade shakes his head no. Scott approaches Ayden and Mica and whispers something to them, as well. They look over at Cade and shake their head along with Scott. What’s going on?

  Cade goes to the microphone and announces, “They don’t want to play the ‘girlie’ song. Should I do it on my own?”

  The crowd goes wild once again. Cade gets quiet, pauses, then starts singing a heart-felt rendition of “Someone Like You” a cappella. His voice is quieter, more emotional than normal. He’s singing it so softly, almost whisper-like, it’s hard to make out the words. Then he gets to the lyric,

  I had hoped you’d see my face

  and that you’d be reminded

  That for me, it isn’t over

  He looks directly at me once again. I can see Jeremy’s back stiffen. Great, I didn’t get him out in time. Oh, Cade. Why are you doing this?

  Moisture pricks the back of my eyes. Jeremy is looking at me, waiting for me to acknowledge him. He knows.

  The songs ends, and Cade takes yet another drink. He says, “Next up, the Lumineers!” Scott stands up
and throws his sticks. They bounce off the drums and hit the cymbals, making a huge crashing sound. He storms off the stage toward the back of the club.

  At the same time, Jeremy takes my hand. “Let’s go, Mattie. I’ve had enough.” He tugs me out of my seat toward the exit. I don’t resist.

  I turn to look at Cade while we make our way to the door. He’s standing on the stage, arms crossed, with a faraway expression on his face. I’ve really blown it. It was too soon. He wasn’t ready.

  We get into the car, and it’s very quiet. Too quiet.

  Jeremy asks, “Mattie, can you tell me again how you got the impression it was all right for us to come tonight?”

  “It was a text. Like I said, it’s been going okay. We’ve been talking a little bit, catching up, things like that. He didn’t seem upset.” If I’m not careful, the tears are going to start to fall. I can feel my throat start to constrict.

  “Can I see the last text, Mattie? Would you mind?” Jeremy asks.

  Confused, I hand him my phone. Jeremy punches a few icons, grows silent, and puts his head back against the seat, closing his eyes.

  “Mattie. I’m sorry, but you missed something. It was subtle, but it should have tipped you off.”

  “What? It was just one line! What did I miss?”

  Jeremy turns the phone toward me. “Here.”

  I read the text again. “I still don’t get it Jeremy. All it says is…oh… Wait a minute.” I follow the conversation. I asked Cade about Jeremy and I coming to the show tonight and his response was, “That’d be just great.”

  Jeremy looks at me with his beautiful, gentle brown eyes. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of just simply staring at him. Right now, though, his eyes are a little sad. He knows how excited I was for tonight.

  “I missed the ‘just’ didn’t I?”

  Jeremy takes my hand and kisses it softly. “It’s not your fault, Mattie.”

  This is so embarrassing. I feel so stupid.

  Cade

  I watch Mattie and Jeremy make their escape. That’s exactly what it was. An escape. What the hell was I thinking? What did I do? Shit, I really blew it.

  Scott approaches me. “Shit, Cade, you really blew it this time!”

  I couldn’t agree more.

  “Mattie was so excited to come back to watch us play. She told me you said it would be great. Why did you tell her that? You’re obviously pissed she came with Jeremy. What was that anyway?”

  Scott has his hands on his hips, obviously mad as hell as he waits for my answer.

  “I was being sarcastic. I forgot Mattie doesn’t do sarcasm. I thought she’d take the hint, but it obviously didn’t register.”

  Scott looks at the ceiling. His tightly coiled stance relaxes a little. “She probably saw what she wanted to see. She really misses you, Cade. I remember when you two hung out. It wasn’t all romance. The two of you had a great friendship.” He pauses when he notices my expression. “I know, I know. You fell for her hard. But listen, Cade, the friendship was the best part. You’re going to screw it up if you keep acting this way.”

  I let out a hard breath. “I couldn’t help it, Scott. I saw them together, and something just snapped.”

  When she walked in, looking so damn beautiful, my breath caught, and then I saw Jeremy. Something dark and heavy descended on me until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. If I’m honest with myself, I think I wanted her to know how much I’ve been hurting, how these past six months have been the worst of my life.

  Except for maybe one afternoon, the day I spent with Laurel, but it didn’t mean anything. I feel ashamed when I realize I wanted Mattie to feel bad for choosing Jeremy. It’s not like we had a long history or anything. Three months, but it was long enough for me to develop strong feelings – love, I’m sure of it. Yes, it had to be. If it wasn’t love, why would I feel this awful?

  Intellectually, I know Mattie belongs with Jeremy, but it just hurts so much. I’ve been an emotional mess since this whole thing blew up in my face. I’ve been sad, angry, resentful, bitter, and numb. I think I hate the numbness the most. I can’t even blame the alcohol anymore for that. Well, except for tonight. I think I could have done without my friend Jack.

  “Cade. Cade, wake up. Did you hear me?” Scott shakes me out of my introspection.

  “What?”

  “You’re going to need to apologize. You get that, right? Mattie deserves an apology. She’s probably crying her eyes out right now. She really was looking forward to tonight. She’s been telling Jeremy how great we are.” Scott gives me a pleased smile. Yes, Scott loves to be complimented.

  “I know. Just get off my back for a while. I’ll go see her in a couple days.”

  Scott stops me, grabbing me by the shoulders. “Oh, no you don’t! You do not wait on this, Cade. You do not want that girl crying one minute longer than she has to. You go see her tomorrow morning. I’ll call her tonight and smooth things over. I’m sure Jeremy would like to punch you again after this stunt you pulled tonight.”

  Jeremy, that’s right. He’s already hit me once. He feels very passionately about Mattie. That’s crystal clear.

  “Okay, Scott. I’ll do it. It might kill me, or Jeremy might kill me, but I’ll go see them tomorrow.”

  I need to get into bed as soon as possible to see if I can sleep off the now pounding headache and beginnings of a hangover. Scott leans over and takes my keys.

  “I wasn’t going to drive. I may be stupid, but I’m not an idiot.”

  ∗∗∗

  I hesitate before knocking on Mattie’s door. I’ve gone over this a hundred times since last night, and got very little sleep. After tossing and turning for three hours, the best I can come up with is the truth. I’ll need to be honest. I knock quietly, perhaps hoping she won’t answer so I can go home.

  The door opens slowly. Mattie’s face come into full view. Scott was right. Her eyes are red-rimmed and swollen. She’s been crying. I hope it was someone else and not me that has made her cry, but deep down I know better.

  Tears slip from her eyes as we both say at once, “I’m sorry.” What? Why is she apologizing to me? I’m the ass here.

  She sees the look of confusion on my face. “I came too soon, Cade. I’m so sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was make this whole thing harder for you.”

  I shake my head. “No, it was my fault. I should’ve been clear. To be honest, part of me did want you to come, but I guess I wasn’t ready for Jeremy yet.”

  She reaches over and takes my hand. “Where are my manners? Come in.”

  I walk hesitantly into her home, the one she now shares with Jeremy. Maybe this will be good for me. I brace myself for the flood of emotions I know are behind the dam I’ve constructed for myself. Mattie and Jeremy purchased a home on Mercer Island, right on the lake. This house suits Mattie like a dream. It even has the white picket fence outside.

  Mattie leads me into a large living room with windows facing the tranquil Lake Washington. The room reminds me a lot of her apartment at The Mercer, warm tones and a cozy feel. Domestic.

  I sit down in the chair across from her, my mind drawing a blank. She leans back in hers, studying me.

  She whispers, “I miss you, Cade.”

  I nod in acknowledgment. “I miss you, too, Mattie.”

  “How do we fix this?” she asks.

  “You dump Jeremy?” We both laugh. It feels good.

  “I’ll get over this, Mattie. I’m a work in progress.”

  A few tears escape her eyes. “I just want you to be happy. I didn’t like seeing you that way last night.” Mattie looks down at the floor. She’s at a loss for words, just like me. This isn’t like us.

  Suddenly, a glimmer of light enters my brain. I do want a friendship with Mattie. I don’t want her to feel bad. Her happiness is more important than my feelings of rejection, my bruised ego. I did have strong feelings for her. I thought it was love, but could it have been? Could it really have been love if I knew all alon
g she loved Jeremy? Was I just in love with the idea of love?

  I sit stoically, looking across at her beautiful face, and I know that, yes, I did love her. But does it mean it’s impossible to love her in a different way? An excited feeling starts to unfold. I don’t have to suffer anymore. It is really enough for me to see Mattie happy. I can do this.

  All these thoughts are pinging through my brain when I hear the front door open and Jeremy yelling, “Mattie! I’m the man! I found your favorite scones.” He walks into the room and his big smile immediately drops as he looks at Mattie, with her tear-stained face.

  “Mattie?” he asks, glaring at me.

  Mattie jumps up from her chair and crosses the room to Jeremy. “It’s okay. Cade and I were just talking it out. He didn’t make me cry. I did that all on my own.” She smiles at me.

  Jeremy crosses the room and places two coffees and what looks like the famous scones on the table in front of me. He takes Mattie’s hand, and they sit down on the couch, together.

  “She cried all last night, you know.” Jeremy’s brow is knitted together. He doesn’t look violent, at least not yet.

  “That’s why I came by, to apologize to Mattie.” I pause. “I want to apologize to you, as well, Jeremy. I was caught off guard, first by seeing the both of you, and then finding out you were married. I think I was on overload. What I did was…well, I don’t know what to call it. An adult tantrum?”

  Mattie tries to muffle a giggle.

  Jeremy relaxes a little beside her. “At least you’re original. I’ve never seen or heard of anyone using music as a weapon before.”

  He’s calling me out. That’s exactly what I was doing. He isn’t going to make this easy. I don’t blame him. I was wrong.

  “You’re absolutely right.” I look at Mattie again, “I really am very sorry.”

  Jeremy isn’t through. “All I know is, Mattie cares about you. She values your friendship. From what I’ve seen so far, to be honest, I don’t get it.” He pauses. “But I trust her judgment. She tells me you’re a good guy so I’m willing to go along with her opinion. She told me how you helped her last summer, and for that, I want to say thank you.”