“Roarke and I are none of your business,” I say because I’m not inviting a proposition. And the truth is, part of me wants to scream at the idea of Roarke being single and free. I want to claim him, and that’s a scary reaction.
“Let’s talk about those gingerbread men and a whole bunch of candy canes.”
Jessica and I chime in and find out that the town has pretty much no budget. Luke does, though, and he donated ten grand to be used for the festival or the charity. We leave in a happy place and end up at the diner down the road, where I have my first meal of the day at six o’clock.
“He’s a good guy,” Jessica says, once we’ve ordered.
“He’s always been a good guy. This town is pretty good at making them that way, I think.”
“You didn’t tell him that you’re not with Roarke.”
“Luke and I are not a future couple. Luke, however, has been burned by a woman, and I think he just doesn’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t need him making me his backup plan.”
“He’s gorgeous and smart. He’s a rodeo star. What’s wrong with him? Why is he alone?”
“He’s jaded, I think, after his girlfriend cheated on him. And I know he has a lot of groupies on the road, which is great at first, but those people don’t really care about you. I imagine much like Jason must have experienced in baseball.”
“That’s true. He did. Buckles Bunnies. That’s the groupies, and don’t even get me started on that. Bottom line. He was cold and guarded when I met him, but you and Luke—”
“Never happened. Won’t happen. I’ve already told you, he even told you, that I’ve always been all about Roarke.” The waitress fills our coffee cups, and I grab the creamer. “Even in L.A.”
She links her fingers under her chin. “Did you date?”
“I did. I even had a few who stuck around a bit, but my heart just wasn’t in it. Roarke ruined all men to follow.” I want to ask what she knows about Roarke’s recent history, but I bite back the questions.
“You can’t hold a torch for him all these years. You have to be with him or let him go. The same goes for him. This isn’t healthy.”
“I have no idea what Roarke has been doing all these years.”
“He wasn’t falling in love with another woman, I can tell you that. What is wrong with you two? Why aren’t you together?”
I inhale and let it out. “I’m sorry. It’s— I can’t talk about this. It’s complicated. It’s between me and Roarke.”
She flattens her hands on the table. “Good grief, we hired the right person to keep things private around here. I’m in the inner circle, and even I can’t get any gossip.”
I laugh. “How about some fashion world gossip instead?”
“I’d love some fashion world gossip, but damn it, woman. I can tell how much you love Roarke. Life is short. Don’t lose each other again. And one way or the other, you have to free your hearts for each other or someone else.”
She’s right. I realize in this moment, with Jessica, that she is absolutely right. “You think Roarke has held on, too?”
“Honey, I know he has. I’ve talked to Jason about this. You’re it for that man.”
I pick up my coffee and sip, drinking in her words with the warm beverage. “We lost each other a long time ago,” I say, glancing at her, “but being back, being with him again, I meant what I said earlier. Maybe we’ll find friendship again.”
“I don’t know what happened between you two, but I’m here if you need to talk.” She pulls out a folder from her bag. “But now, let’s cheer up and get all wrapped up in Christmas even though I’m going to secretly hope that you get all wrapped up in Roarke.”
I did, I think. Last night. The problem is that I’m still all wrapped up in Roarke.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Roarke…
I get Old Man Levor’s poor pup, who was hit by a car, stabilized and resting well before I leave him with Nathan, one of my interns, and head outside for some air. I step outside the vet offices that have been a part of our operation since long before I took over five years ago now, back when my father was the king here. A blessed cool breeze lifts around me, the hope of fall finally showing itself rather than pretending to be summer, the hint of a holiday season arriving with it. A holiday with Hannah present. I didn’t think I’d ever see that day again, but I wanted to, damn straight I wanted to. But being here and being with me are two different things.
I walk toward one of the gated areas where a beauty of a stallion, who just arrived and hasn’t been broken in, is grazing. The owner, who hired me to train him, named him Warrior, and it’s fitting. He’s regal and abrasive, but we’ll fix the abrasive part when he learns how much love his beauty will get him. I’ve just reached the enclosure when the sound of an approaching vehicle has me turning. The minute I eye Jason’s truck, I grimace and turn away. Hannah still hasn’t shown up, and damn it, I want her here. I need her here. She belongs here, with me, and in ways she doesn’t even know, not yet, ways I intended to make her believe in me again; only her showing up, before I could go to her, complicates that presentation.
Jason joins me, and we both stand there, studying the horse for several minutes, before he says, “You’re still so fucking in love with her.”
“Was that ever in question?”
He turns to look at me. “No. But I didn’t see it, and I should have. I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit to see beyond that shit.”
“I wouldn’t have talked about it anyway.”
“Bullshit,” Jason murmurs. “I would have made you talk about it just like you made me talk about the crap that almost ruined me with Jessica. I let you down.”
“You didn’t let me down, man. You’re—you’re family.”
“So is she.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Yeah, she is.” I turn away from him, feeling the punch in my gut at how right he is and how wrong this has all gone.
Jason faces the enclosure again with me, both of us silent a few moments, before he adds, “I would have made you do something to get her back or made you move on a long time ago.”
“I didn’t want to move on, and now that she’s back, I still don’t.” I look over at him. “I have to get her back.”
“Then let’s talk about that. She thinks you cheated. Make her believe you when you tell her you didn’t.”
“It’s not that simple, man. There are things you don’t know. Things I’m not ready to talk about.”
“Fair enough, but why did she think you cheated?”
“The why doesn’t matter,” I say, not about to get into the topic of the video, which came from a source that will only set a fire I’m not ready to light. “She believed it. She didn’t even consider listening to what I had to say. Even now, after all these years, every damn time I’ve been with a woman, I’ve wished I was with Hannah.”
“Then whatever the complication is, whatever you won’t talk to me about, find a way to simplify that shit. You’re good at that. You do it for the animals all the time. You do it for the people you teach to handle the horses. You do it for the interns. I’ve seen you. Do it for yourself. The way you’re going to do it for those kids who come here and learn from you.” He knocks on the wooden gate. “I need to get home. I promised my grandmother I’d spend some time with her tonight, and I’ve learned that we don’t always get a tomorrow. You should remember that, too.” Leaving me with the lesson he learned after losing his parents so damn tragically, the one driven home by my father’s stroke, he turns and walks away.
He’s right, of course, he’s right, but his lesson is double-sided for me. Our parents, all of our parents, got into a nasty war that ultimately led to Hannah’s family losing their land. It also led to some nastiness between families that included framing me for cheating. I can save myself by telling Hannah everything, but then Hannah and Jason wo
uld find out how shitty their parents are and were. And I’m not sure Hannah can forgive me for what my father did to her parents any more than she can forgive her parents for what they did to us. What I am sure of is that Hannah coming home is like the hand of a clock that’s been stuck but now moves. It’s time for change. It’s time for resolution. It’s time for me to fight for Hannah. It’s past time for me to fight for Hannah.
I can’t live another day without that woman.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Hannah…
Once we set the topic of me and Roarke aside, Jessica and I huddle up there in the diner and do some major brainstorming. It becomes apparent that we really do get along so very well and our shared excitement for the festival feeds that connection. Jason calls somewhere in the middle of our third cups of coffee and promises to have at least a couple of guys for the auction in the next twenty-four hours. When we’re wrapped up and walking out to her car, I groan. “I haven’t even checked on my car. I need to get a rental, which is going to be about an hour drive. Maybe Nick can take me.”
We climb inside her BMW, and Jessica is as generous as always. “I can take you into the city tomorrow. No worries at all.”
I shake my head. “No. I’m not asking you to do that.”
She waves that worry away. “You didn’t ask at all. What are friends for if not to help? And we need you mobile. Come on. I’ll take you to sing to Snowflake. I’ll let Roarke get you home. Or not.”
I scowl, and she laughs, but I let it go. I could avoid an awkward moment with Roarke by seeing Snowflake after I get my own transportation again, but Snowflake needs comfort. And I need to see her. And Roarke. Lord help me, I need to see Roarke.
I sink into the leather of my seat and think about last night; every touch, every kiss, every moment is suddenly back with me. I didn’t want it to end, and the abrupt way that it ended was like reliving the past. One minute I was with him, and the next minute, I wasn’t. I’ve never felt like we had closure.
Jessica pulls up in front of the veterinary office that sits on Roarke’s property, and I realize that I haven’t even asked about his father. “How is his father?”
“He had a stroke, and from what I hear, it was rough. He moved to a retirement community down in Georgetown.”
“A stroke,” I whisper, and I know, I know how badly that must have affected Roarke. And I wasn’t here, but I have to remind myself that wasn’t my doing. I shake myself and look at Jessica. “Thank you for the ride. I’m excited to get started on everything.”
“Do you want to come to the house and work tomorrow?” she asks. “We can get your car and then hunker down together.”
“Yes. Great. What time?”
“How about ten? I’ll pick you up.”
“Perfect,” I say, exiting the car and settling my purse across my chest to securely hang at my hip.
Jessica pulls out of the drive, and I turn to wave before facing the office again. Roarke’s truck is right beside me. He’s here for sure. My gaze lifts and finds the stable to my left, and I know that’s where all the sick horses are housed. Snowflake will be there. I start walking, motion detectors setting off lights on a designated path that leads me straight to the door.
I reach the stable and enter the well-lit building to find a horse to my left, with Roarke on one knee next to a pretty redhead, giving her instructions. The horse shuffles slightly. “You’re nervous. It’s making him nervous.”
“I don’t want to get kicked.”
“You’re going to get kicked by acting nervous,” Roarke warns. “The animals sense your emotions.”
“I’m clearly better with small animals.” The redhead stands, and Roarke follows her to her feet. “You need to just deep breathe, Allison.”
Allison’s gaze shifts and lands on me, and my God, she’s gorgeous. Really, really gorgeous. “Hello,” she says, and she’s not even a little standoffish. She’s friendly. She’s a nice person, I just feel it, as silly as that might seem. And she’s working with Roarke, who has a thing for redheads, or he did when we were growing up. He dated a girl in high school and—
Roarke turns to find me there, and his eyes light. “Hannah.”
My instinct is to protect myself from this man, to run before he can hurt me again, but he’s completely and instantly engaged with my presence, and already he has closed the space between us. His hand reaches for me as if it will land on my waist, but he catches himself and curls his fingers in his palm. Leaning closer, he lowers his voice and says, “Now would be a good time to ask.”
“Ask?”
“You’re killing me here, woman,” he murmurs, and it’s then that I realize what he means. He’s not thinking of the redhead. He’s thinking about me. He wants me to ask him to kiss me. He wants it to be okay to casually touch me. And Lord help me, I want him to touch me. I want things that will only lead me to heartache. I want everything I lost to be found and never lost again. If only that were possible. If only—
“Can we talk? You know,” I lower my voice, “alone?”
“Take the night off, Allison,” Roarke calls over his shoulder and then refocuses on me. “Come with me, Han,” he murmurs, and this time, he doesn’t resist touching me. He catches the fingers of one of my hands with his, and while it’s a barely-there touch, that “Han” along with the connection about undoes all my reserve. Han might seem like a silly name to many, but it’s not to me. It’s what he’s called me all my life, what no one else calls me. It’s a joke that became an endearment to me. It’s memories and love and passion. It’s everything we were, which was everything.
He leads me past Allison, deeper into the stable, which is large with a long walkway. I might follow him if he were anyone else, but he’s quick to ensure that we’re side by side, like we’re together. He’s not pulling me. He’s not leading me anywhere. His touch is pure heat, warmth spreading up my arm and across my chest. I could pull back, I could tell him not to touch me, and I know that Roarke would let me go, and he’d hesitate all the more in the future, too. I just can’t seem to want him to let me go, and yet, too soon, he does.
He motions to the right, to an opening on my side of the walkway. We step inside an empty stall well away from Allison’s hearing, and the scent of the stables, hay, and horses is all about history, memories, family. I stop just inside the doorway and turn to face him, but our fingers are still joined. He steps into me. I don’t step back.
“I’m struggling with so many memories and feelings,” I whisper. “I want to pretend we’re us again.”
“We don’t have to fucking pretend. I love you, woman. I have always loved you.”
I’m not stunned by these words. I just don’t know what they mean to him anymore. “And I love you,” I say, comfortable in the honesty of those words, far more so than I was in the fake flippancy of last night. “But we both know that I’m never going to get over you cheating.”
His jaw clenches and his fingers slide away from mine, he withdraws, just as he has for years, and that cuts. Instinctively, defensively, I fold my arms in front of me and take a solid step backward.
He runs fingers through the longish strands of his dark hair, leaving it a rumpled, sexy mess before his hands settle on his hips. “I didn’t cheat.”
Anger comes hard and fast. “Is that why you didn’t come after me? Because your mind was on me and not her?”
“I didn’t even know that woman. I don’t know that woman. I didn’t cheat. And as for why I didn’t come after you, aside from having a family situation here that I didn’t know about until you ran off—”
“I didn’t run off. I left. There’s a difference.”
“Actually, you’re right. You left. You made that decision. You didn’t even think about hearing me out. You didn’t just leave, Hannah, you got on a plane and went to L.A., without so much as telling me. You made it pretty clea
r that there was more going on than a foolish accusation.”
“What does that even mean, Roarke? What more was going on?”
“You wanted out. You wanted a reason to take a break.”
“I did not want a reason to take a break. I was dying inside after I received that video. You didn’t even come for me. You and that woman—”
He steps closer to me again. “I didn’t cheat. Why would I want that woman? I’ve dated since you left. I’ve tried to move the fuck on. I haven’t been celibate, Hannah, but no one was you. I don’t know why I’m saying this. You don’t believe me. Why the hell were you going to marry me if you had so little faith in me?” He holds up a hand. “Don’t answer. I don’t need my heart ripped out of my chest yet again. Do you still want to meet Snowflake?”
“Roarke—”
“Not now, Hannah. If you know me at all, you know when I hit a wall, I’ve hit a wall.”
“If I know you at all? Me coming back, all I did was open our wounds, so we can bleed together, right?”
He inhales and steps to me again, and I can’t even believe how much relief I feel with that move on his part. He lifts his hand and brushes hair behind my ear. “If I could bleed for you, if I could take all the pain for you, I would, but maybe that’s the problem. Maybe that was my mistake.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know, and the truth is, Han, I don’t know how to make you understand. Just know this: if I could turn back time and have a do-over, I’d find a better way. I’d make sure we ended up together. Do you want to meet Snowflake?”
“Yes, please.”
“I’ll show you where she is.”
I nod, and this time, he doesn’t reach for my hand, the absence of his touch leaving me cold and wanting. He steps out of the stall and waits on me in the walkway. I step to his side, and we walk three stalls down to the corner, the final door, and stop. “She’s drugged and resting. She’s been uneasy.”
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