by Maris Black
My attempt to lighten the mood fell flat. Either Theo didn’t appreciate humor, or I just wasn’t funny. Probably a little of both.
“So when can we do this again? I’m fascinated.”
Theo leaned back in his chair and steepled his long fingers in front of his chest. “I think a little get-to-know-you time is in order. This is all so formal. How about we have a few drinks at your place this weekend? I would invite you to mine, but to be quite honest I don’t trust you enough yet.”
Well, the man was certainly blunt.
“I don’t know—”
“Your ex-boyfriend won’t be there, will he? I trust you’ve taken care of that little problem.”
I shook my head, caught in the crossfires of his threatening stare. That little problem would be in New York until Sunday, but Theo didn’t need to know that. Let him assume that Jamie was gone for good. There was already a seed of an idea in my head about how Jamie and I could stay together without tripping Theo’s wire. If he was staying in one of the Alcazar suites, maybe I could visit him on the sly at his place until this was all over. I wasn’t sure if it would work.
“Jamie’s gone,” I said. “We can have drinks at my place.”
“Great. How does eight o’clock Saturday night sound?”
“Sounds like a date.”
And what the hell had I just said? Date? What if Theo took it to mean we were having a date date? I had no idea where his interests lay within the gender spectrum, but in his journal, Peter Santori had claimed that Theo tried to seduce him one night. He’d made it sound like a pity seduction, but I had my suspicions about that. I was pretty sure straight dudes who got a lot of action didn’t typically offer to fuck their hard-up guy friends as a birthday present.
Theo actually smiled at me. “Then it’s a date.”
I made a quick escape so that I could worry without an audience.
When I cranked up my car and started to back out, I got a text message from Aaron. Or I assumed it was Aaron since it was a confirmation for a time slot at a nearby gun range. Was Aaron going to teach me how to shoot? The prospect excited me almost to the point of giddiness.
I headed back to my place to grab my gun, and I almost made it through the lobby without anyone accosting me. Unfortunately, Steve saw me and followed me all the way to the elevator.
“What’s up with Jamie,” he asked without prelude. “He’s in an awful mood today, and I can’t get him to talk to me.”
“It’s personal. You need to mind your own business on this. He’ll talk when he’s ready.”
Steve’s face fell. “I don’t know what’s up with you guys, but you need to get your shit together. You can fire me if you want, but I’m not going to keep my mouth shut. You’re my friends, and my friends are my business.”
He stalked back over to the front desk and glared sullenly at me as I got on the elevator. I wasn’t going to fire him. It was an absurd thing for him to even suggest. But I did wish he’d stop trying to intrude. Things were complicated enough without him browbeating me about our love life.
Pushing those thoughts aside, I retrieved the duffel bag that contained my gun from the closet in my apartment and hurried back to my car. I had an appointment with destiny, and my destiny apparently included being a badass motherfucker with a gun.
As expected, Aaron was waiting for me at the gun range, dressed in his new casual style that still caught me off guard. I was so used to seeing him with his hair buzzed and wearing a suit, and now he was just a regular guy with hair, a beard, and street clothes. And the weight loss was probably the biggest difference of all. I had to admit the look suited him. Aaron was a good-looking man.
“Kage,” he greeted with a smile. He could be deceptively charming, but I knew that beneath the friendly veneer he was all business. “You ready to learn how to protect yourself?”
“Hell, yeah. If you’d told me a year ago I’d be learning to fire a gun, I would have called you a liar. The fact that I have a need to learn now is a little disturbing. Do you think I can get good enough to do any damage?”
“Nothing to it. You’ll be a pro in no time.”
I was pretty sure he was just trying to give me confidence, but I was excited to prove him right.
“Here’s my gun,” I said, showing him the 38 Special my uncle had left behind. It was a gorgeous gun, and it also had historical significance in my life. Call me a sap, but I liked the idea of using Santori’s gun even if he and I hadn’t seen eye-to-eye when he was alive. Like it or not, he was the only family I had.
“Actually, I brought you a present,” he said, pulling a black gun out of his bag and holding it out to me. I turned it over in my hands, thinking that it wasn’t nearly as attractive as the 38 Special. “It’s a Gen 4 Glock 19. Same gun I carry, right down to the modifications.”
“But I like my gun. It reminds me of old-world gangsters or something. This black one screams street thug.”
“I know you like it, and it’s fine to learn how to use it and enjoy it. It’s a fantastic gun. But you’re going to be at a disadvantage if you’re talking about concealed carry and protecting yourself against people who are much better armed and better trained than you.”
I frowned, unconvinced. I really wanted to use my gun.
“Let me put it this way,” Aaron said. “Would you rather have six rounds or fifteen? And would you rather deal with single bullets or a clip.”
“Okay, that’s a good point.” I returned the 38 Special to the duffel bag and got familiar with my new gun.
Aaron was a patient instructor. He started with proper handling and safety. Then we moved on to grip and squeezing the trigger. I’d never imagined there was a right and wrong way to pull a trigger. It was fascinating stuff. Eventually, he had me decked out in safety gear with my ears protected as I tried firing at the target. I have enough humility to admit I sucked at first. It wasn’t as easy as it looked to fire a gun. There were so many things to consider: kickback, foot placement, aiming, squeezing, and working with the unique characteristics of my gun. By the end of our training, I was more than a little discouraged, but Aaron gave me a cool holster that fit inside the right front of my waistband and could be concealed easily beneath a shirt. That cheered me up a little, because damn. I had a holster in my pants.
Then I realized… Shit, I have a gun in my pants.
“Am I going to shoot my dick off?” I asked Aaron point-blank.
He chuckled. “No. The appendix carry may seem dangerous, but it’s not any more dangerous than any other position. The trigger guard of your gun is protected at all times while in this holster. The only time you have to be careful is when you’re unholstering and reholstering your gun. Practice it a lot with the gun unloaded, making sure that you keep your finger clear of the trigger guard until the gun is pointed downrange.” He demonstrated. “When you’re reholstering, be aware of bits of clothing, especially drawstrings, which could potentially breach the trigger guard. That’s really it.”
“Okay. Since you wear one of these, I’m not too worried. Now I just have to learn to shoot. After that sorry excuse for shooting I exhibited here today, I don’t know if I’m even capable of learning.”
“You’ll get the hang of it,” Aaron said. “There’s a reason firing ranges exist. You have to practice to get good, and I expect you to be here at least a few times a week. My buddy Hank will take care of you.”
He introduced me to Hank, who was a burly, bearded man in his forties, and Hank instructed me to ask for him any time I came to the range. He and Aaron exchanged a hyper-manly hug, and then Aaron took me to an empty snack room and got both of us a bottle of water. We sat at one of four tables and got down to business.
“What have you learned so far?” Aaron asked.
I laughed. “I’ve only seen Theo twice since you and I talked. Not much time to learn anything.”
“Sometimes seemingly insignificant details can be important. You need to be paying attention to everythi
ng.”
“Well, I do know he’s got a hard-on for pain, and especially pain he’s inflicted. The bastard got me to show him the bruises his goons left. He put his hands on me. Squeezed my bruises to make me flinch. He’s kind of a sick bastard.”
Aaron gave a quizzical look. “But isn’t that the kind of thing you go for?”
“No, asshole, it’s not. I like to beat people up in the Octagon, and I like to get rough in bed. What I saw in that man’s eyes is something different altogether. I don’t gloat over the damage I do to my opponents, and I certainly don’t hurt people in bed just for the sheer torture of it. It’s—” I wasn’t sure how to explain my kink to Aaron, and it wasn’t really his business anyway.
“It’s what, Kage?”
I sighed. “It’s more of a power thing for me, I guess.”
“Do you think he’s any different just because he enjoys a different kind of pain? I see a lot of parallels between the two of you. And let’s not forget Santori. As I see it, the three of you are cut from the same cloth. I just hope you don’t turn out like them.”
Shame flooded my every cell. I felt like a pre-teen who’d been caught jerking off and was now forced to sit through his parents’ lecture. Aaron seemed to think that my predilection for pain had the potential to make a monster of me. Could that be true? Was pain more than just a bedroom kink for me? Was I destined to end up like Santori and Theo Brown? The thought made me shiver. I didn’t want to be like them. I hated them.
“Is that really how you see me? I asked, fearing the answer as much as needing it.
Aaron ran his fingertips distractedly through the condensation on his water bottle and shrugged. “I think you have a shot at being something better. A really good shot. I don’t believe you’re evil at heart, but then what man has ever been born evil? We all start out the same. It’s up to each of us to decide what we will become in the end. But I didn’t mean to get into a philosophical discussion with you about good and evil. My purpose in questioning you about Theo was to get you to explore what you know about him. That’s an important skill when you’re working undercover. I don’t have time to train you properly in all of the nuances of the job, but I can give you some quick pointers that could mean the differences between success and failure.”
“I’m down for learning anything you can teach. I don’t mind telling you I’m scared shitless right now. I’m trying to be what you need me to be, but as you know, I’m just winging it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. There were several times when I was talking to Theo that my nerves nearly got the best of me. I never know if I’m doing or saying the right thing, and I’m terrified that I’m going to make one wrong move and get myself killed.” I paused and bit my lip. “He would kill me, wouldn’t he? If he thought I was a real threat.”
“I imagine so. That’s why you have to pay attention. The fact that you and Theo have a similar fascination with power and pain should be an asset to you in figuring out how to deal with him. Like minds and all that. Does that make sense?”
“Now it does. I thought you were just giving me a lecture. Trying to make me feel like shit about my kinks.”
He shook his head. “It’s not my place to judge you, Kage. All I can do is make observations. What else have you learned?”
“Well, most importantly I’ve learned that he doesn’t trust me. Or Jamie. I know you told me not to share any information concerning our arrangement with Jamie, and I fully intended to do as you asked. Now that’s not so much an issue anymore since Theo told me I had to break up with Jamie or else.”
“Really?” Aaron scrubbed his fingers through his beard. “Hmmm. I hadn’t expected that. What beef does he have with Jamie other than the fact that your uncle didn’t approve of him?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. He seemed very serious about it, though. Told me it was non-negotiable.”
“Do you think Theo could be attracted to you?”
“No,” I replied, my voice loud with vehemence. Then I put my disgust aside and considered it. “Well, I suppose he could be. I haven’t gotten all the way through the journals, but at the beginning, Peter mentioned that Theo had offered to have sex with him on his birthday. I thought that was a little strange.”
“You really need to finish those journals, Kage. I can’t stress enough the importance of getting to know this man through your uncle’s eyes.”
“I want to read every word. I just haven’t had the time with all this other shit going on. I was also trying to keep them a secret from Jamie. It seemed easier that way. If he’d known I was reading them, he would’ve had all kinds of questions, and I wasn’t ready to deal with that.”
“So he’s gone now?”
“Not exactly. I told him we needed to take a break while I try to get in good with Theo. Again, let me reiterate that I did not, nor do I plan to, expose your agenda or involvement to him. Without that information, my excuse for working with Theo is thin at best, but I really had no other choice. I don’t want to break Jamie’s heart, and I don’t want to put him at risk in any of this. I also don’t want him to go and find someone else to fall in love with while we’re working all of this shit out.”
“It may be inevitable.”
“Thanks a lot.” I shot him a petulant glare that didn’t seem to bother him in the least.
“You have to consider all possibilities realistically. In this line of work, there are sacrifices. It’s nearly impossible to hang onto the people in your life no matter how much love you feel for them. Sometimes it’s better for them to just set them free to have normal lives. It’s selfish to keep them hanging indefinitely in the hopes that someday it will work out. This job takes a lot from us and gives back very little.”
“Well, I’m not actually in this line of work, remember? This is your job, not mine.”
He nodded. “You’re right. But you’re still involved, and nothing can be done about that. Your unfortunate parentage is to blame for that, but it doesn’t change the facts. Do your best to help us out on this, and I’ll do my best to see that you’re safe and happy afterward. I just want you to realize there are things beyond my control, and Jamie is one of those things. You have to let him make his own choices. When the smoke clears, maybe he’ll choose you and maybe he won’t.”
“Maybe you could keep an eye on him for me. Step in if he starts getting too close to someone or doing something I wouldn’t like. That would give us some measure of control.”
Aaron grinned and raised an eyebrow. “My God, you sound just like your uncle.”
Jesus. He was right. I thought back over my words and was appalled that I had been the one to say them. I had just asked Aaron to spy on Jamie like he’d done for Santori, only this time it would be to keep Jamie tied to me instead of driving him away. In that moment, I sickened myself. For what I’d said, and the fact that even the shame of knowing all of that didn’t make me want to do it any less. I didn’t want to be like Santori, but dammit I still felt the urge to control Jamie by any means necessary. I hung my head and admitted to myself that I was fucked in the head, and that I was more of a bad guy than I’d thought.
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up,” Aaron said. “I know why you want to do it. Don’t think I haven’t been tempted in the past to use my resources to keep someone in line. But if you love him, I don’t think it would be a good idea. You would just feel guilty and ashamed for doing it, and if he ever found out, he would resent you. Consider this: Santori thought he was doing the right thing for you by getting rid of Jamie. I’m sure there was a lot of selfishness mixed in there, too, but for the most part, I think he truly believed he was helping you. Now that you know that, do you forgive him?”
“No,” I admitted. “I hated him for it. Still do.”
“Exactly. And I don’t think you should expect Jamie to be okay with you manipulating him, either. Even having someone tailed in the name of physical protection can be a slippery slope. Too easy to get turned around about what your true m
otives are. I can’t tell you what to do, but my advice is to let him go in the hopes that you can be reunited someday when this dark cloud isn’t hanging over your heads.”
Damn. That’s not what I wanted to hear. It made sense, but I still didn’t want to hear it. What if Jamie got with someone else in the interim? I couldn’t stand the thought of some other guy’s hands all over him. Some other guy’s dick inside him. Some other guy telling him he loved him, and worse, getting his love in return. It made me want to hurt somebody, and not in a good way.
CHAPTER 9
KAGE
When I got back home, Jamie was gone. I’d spent a lot of time at the gun range and talking to Aaron, and then I’d stopped by some random bar I’d never been to and had three or four beers. Probably enough to register a DUI, but I was beyond caring. I wanted some weed, but it was too close to my fight to risk it being in my system, so I opted for going home and loading up on painkillers.
Jamie had never responded to my text from the night before, but at least he had my number. Just in case he needed me. Was it wrong that I hoped he would need me? That he would get himself into some situation and force me to go back on my decision to cut him loose? Hell, I still hadn’t decided for sure. The idea of giving him a suite in the Alcazar and visiting him in secret still held a lot of appeal, even though I knew it was risky.
Maybe his trip to New York would give him time to think everything through, and he would decide that making himself scarce while still waiting for me was something he wanted to do. It was going to be hell without him beside me in bed every night, but at least it was better than most of the alternatives. I thought about his job. The fact that he worked out of the Alcazar at the moment. Something would have to be done about that. I needed to get him another office, but I wasn’t sure where he would be. Georgia? With Cameron?
I knew it was childish to keep hanging onto my jealousy of Cameron, but the images Santori had shown me of the two of them together were burned into my memory forever. It had hurt so much seeing them getting cozy. Cameron kissing him up against his car, then stripping Jamie’s shirt off in the bedroom.