by M J Rutter
“Well,” he scoffed, “I do care and I am not worried what others will think, I am more worried about what you will think.”
“Me? Why?”
He glanced around nervously, “I uh… Oh, forget it, it doesn’t matter.” He huffed and proceeded to my car.
“You need to stop walking away from me,” I snapped. “If you have something to say then just say it. I am too old to play games.”
He turned to face me, “We’ll talk at your place.” He said. I rolled my eyes and climbed into my car. His hands were shaking as he clicked in his seatbelt, I tried to make out I hadn’t noticed and whatever he had to say to me, must have been serious because a crease formed between his eyebrows and his eyes had darkened. It worried me, if I am honest.
I stopped the car in front of my garage while waiting for it to open. He heaved a shaky breath and opened his door once the engine had been switched off. I climbed out and silently, he followed me inside.
Placing my purse on the counter top, I turned to face him, “Okay, so talk.” I said.
“I am a loser, Jenna, I have nothing, no money, no car, nowhere to live. Until the other night, I thought my life was over, until the other night I would have happily died to be out of this misery.” I frowned at his words, “It’s true. But then you, just being you, same old Jen, back in my life, you have turned my world around and for the first time in years I feel I belong somewhere. You have done more for me than just put a roof over my head and food in my belly. You have changed my life, Jenna, and as much as I want to, I can’t give you anything back and that is crippling me.”
“I don’t want anything back, Cain and you being back in my life has changed things too. It’s made me realize how lonely I was before when I had no one.”
“There’s something else,” he admitted anxiously. “I uh, I have um, I have always loved you, Jenna. You were my first crush, my first love and being around you again, its brought back all of these feelings and I am having trouble keeping a lid on them.”
“You… l…love me?” I frowned.
“Ever since I met you when I was almost thirteen. Jen, my dad’s girlfriend, she was beautiful and cool and kind and… I’m sorry. I am just trying to be honest. If it makes you feel uncomfortable…”
“So, is it like a mom kind of love?” I asked.
“No, never. I still think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever known and… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything because it will make things very awkward between us. I am just going to get my things and then I’ll leave.”
I was stunned, struck dumb and unable to move, he brushed past me and my heart leapt as his warm arm rubbed against mine. I heard him run up the stairs, so after a Nano-second, I chased after him. He was literally throwing his things into a bag.
“Cain,” I muttered. He turned around, his face blood red with embarrassment and he was upset, I could see he had tears in his eyes.
The bravery he showed confessing to me how he felt about me surprised me more than his words. I could feel it building, I could feel something growing inside of me and for a second, a tiny hair’s-breath of a second, I let my guard down.
I trembled as I dived towards him, pressing my lips against his, tasting him set a fire burning inside and I didn’t want to be the victim anymore. Cain, seven years younger than me, a boy I once cared for was now a man, a man I was growing to love.
Folding his arms around my body, he pulled me closer to his chest, pressing against me as I warmed in his arms. But as my mind caught up, I realized I was kissing Cain and it was wrong. I stepped back from his lips and out of his arms.
“I’m sorry.” I muttered and lowered my eyes.
“It’s fine, Jenna, I wanted to kiss you too.”
“It’s not fine, Cain, you’re practically my uh…,” I shook my head.
“If you say son, I will punch the wall. I am not, nor have I ever been a son to you. You’re seven years older than me, that’s all. I have never thought of you as anyone else but a hot girl who dated my old man, so never be concerned that once upon a time, you probably cared more about me than my own parents did.”
“I still shouldn’t have kissed you.”
“Why? Is it because I am younger? I don’t care. I’ve already told you how I feel about you, how do you feel about me?” he asked. I frowned, I didn’t want to answer because I would have told him the truth. I felt a lot more than I should have. “Are you attracted to me in any way?”
“It doesn’t matter if I am, I still shouldn’t have kissed you. I was wrong, and I am sorry.” I could hear my cell phone ringing from down stairs. “I need to get that.” I said and hurried down to the hall. “Hello?”
“Jenna, it’s Lander, can you talk?”
“Yes.” I swallowed and turned my back on the door.
“I have an interview lined up for your friend. I spoke with the board and my father. As we were once sworn enemies of Ross, Bowmaker and Wyatt, my dad has agreed that maybe having Cain on our team will piss them off.”
“They aren’t trading anymore.” I frowned.
“I know, but they are trying to restart under a new name. So, if he can be at my office Monday at nine-thirty, he has a pretty good chance of becoming our new intern.”
“He’s twenty-five, Lander, isn’t that a little too old for an intern?”
“Not for us.” He replied.
“He’ll be so pleased, thank you, so much.”
“No problem, I’ll speak with you Monday. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.”
“And you.” I smiled and ended the call. Forgetting everything that had happened, I turned to tell Cain this amazing news. My front door was open. “Cain?” I called out. I couldn’t hear him, I raced to the bottom of the stairs, “Cain?” Nothing. I ran outside, he was walking up the street with his bag over his shoulder, so I ran up the street after him. “Where are you going?” I demanded fighting my emotion.
“I am going to leave you in peace. I have an aunt down in San Francisco, I’ll go and visit with her for a while.”
“Why do you do this? You can’t take the heat and you run.” I roared. He stopped walking and turned to face me. “You don’t have to leave.”
“I am in love with you, what part of that do you not understand?” he demanded.
“No, you only think you are in love with me. You are at a low point in your life, you are clinging on to happy memories and that’s fine, but you shouldn’t throw words around like that because they can’t be true. You were in love with me when you were younger, fine. But I am not that girl anymore.”
“You don’t think I know that?” he roared and his voice echoed out. I quickly looked around to see if any of my neighbours were watching. “I’m sorry, okay? I am sorry. I should never have spoken to you like that.” He wiped his shaky hand over his face. “I can’t stay with you because I want to be with you, you don’t feel the same, so, for my own sanity, I am leaving.” He explained.
I felt tears prickle in my eyes and my nose began to tingle, “Please don’t go.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t. We can go back to how it was before and if things develop, well, if you still want me, anything can happen, right?” I pleaded.
“Tell me the truth, do you feel anything for me at all?” he demanded, his voice was softer and as I gazed into his eyes, I couldn’t lie.
“Yes, I do. I shouldn’t and I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it.”
He smiled warmly as his face filled with relief, “That’s a start.”
“So, will you stay?”
“Yes.”
I returned his smile. “Good, because you have an interview Monday morning.”
“An interview?” he questioned surprised.
“Yes, our legal team are looking for an intern and all you have to do is turn up for the interview and be yourself.” I replied.
He smiled slightly, “They will hear who I am, and I won’t get a foot in the door.”
“I thought you said we are out of bread.”
“We are but I can make us some spaghetti.” I shrugged.
“Great, do I have to have nine-one-one on stand-by though?”
“Oh, ha, ha,” I chuckled as we walked inside.
Once back in the house, we cooked spaghetti and meat sauce and drank cold beer as we sat in the living room after and talked about his interview. I felt mean, I knew I had fallen for him, but I wasn’t ready to admit that to him yet. I had rushed in to a relationship before and it didn’t work out, so I would not make that mistake again. The problem I had though, was I knew it would be a near impossible task keeping my feelings hidden and my hands to myself.
Seven
We drove into the city first thing Monday morning. Cain had dressed in his suit and I had ironed his shirt for him. In his hand, he carried a small leather wallet that contained his qualifications. He was nervous and had barely spoken during our trip into Seattle.
Sunday had been relatively uneventful, we spoke politely but things had changed between us, I had caused an atmosphere and was petrified of saying something that might cause him to want to leave again. I went to bed early, if anything but to ease the tension growing between us. Our kiss had become the elephant in the room, as much as I knew I should have forgotten about it, I couldn’t move past it for some reason.
I had an appointment with a new author at ten and so that Cain knew where to go, I walked with him to Lander’s department. Lander was about six and a half feet tall, dark hair and blue eyes. He towered above his colleagues and as we approached his office, he stood and opened his glass door.
“Cain Macalister,” Lander smiled holding out his hand.
“Mr Dalton?” Cain frowned as he shook his hand.
“I have heard a lot about you.” Lander added.
“I’ll let you…” I muttered.
“Jenna, sorry, lovely to see you again. As soon as we have shown Cain around and what-not, we’ll come and find you, okay?”
“I have a meeting at ten, but should be back by eleven-thirty.” I smiled. “Good luck, Cain.” I added.
“Thank you,” he smiled gingerly as I turned and walked away.
I returned to my office and smiled at my red-haired assistant, Kate, as I passed her desk. She stood immediately and followed me into my office.
“So…,” she grinned, her brown eyes twinkled in my office lights.
“So?” I frowned as I sat behind my desk.
“Who is the hot guy you brought in, I mean, if I had known it was ‘Bring your new, hot man’ to work day, I would have had my roots done this weekend.” She grinned mischievously.
“I would have brought my hot, new man to work today, if I actually had a hot, new man in my life to start with. I don’t, so your joke has no point.” I replied sourly.
She sat in the chair opposite me and grinned knowingly. “Honey, I have known you for years, you have that glint in your eye and a spring in your step, whoever this man is, he’s brought your zing back.”
“My zing?”
“Oh yes, you know what I mean, your Miss Zing, your hot zing, your I am so not-single anymore, zing.” She chimed.
“I have a meeting in about ten minutes with Sophie Ryan, so, I really need to prepare.”
“She called, she is sick with stomach flu and you are avoiding the issue.” She stated.
“Sophie is sick?” I frowned.
“Yes, she called about half an hour ago. Now, spill, tell me his name, at least.”
“I have a friend who is a little down on his luck staying with me, he is just a friend and will remain a friend, his name is Cain.” I added as she went to interrupt me. “So, there, you have the details, though there are no details.”
“Are you telling me you have the next best thing to Channing Tatum living at your house and you are not sleeping with him?” she asked shocked.
“No, I mean, yes. He is staying at my house, we are not sleeping together.” I affirmed.
“Damn, what is wrong with you?” she sighed shaking her head.
“Nothing is wrong with me, he is younger for one thing.”
“And?”
“And I have known him since he was twelve.”
“And?”
“And I used to date his father.”
She laughed loudly, “I see, so you have the perfect chance to get back at an ex and you are not taking it.”
“I wouldn’t do that to him.” I insisted. “Besides, he is here for an interview and then I expect that he will move to the city.”
“Why do you do that?” she asked annoyed.
“What?”
“Well, get all defensive, he’s hot and by now I would have screwed his brains out.” She grumbled.
“Thankfully, I am not you, Kate and nor do I want to be.” I retorted, for my assistant, she crossed the line once too often and today, I was not in the mood.
“Okay, I apologize if I have upset you. I thought we were friends and that we could talk about these things.”
“Talk yes, but… I don’t discuss my sex life with anyone, much less a colleague.”
“I see,” she frowned and stood. “I’ll remember that in the future.”
Now I felt bad, “Kate.” I said as she left my office, closing the door behind her.
After a weekend of walking around on eggshell with Cain, I was exhausted. It had left me irritable and tired, but that was no excuse to speak to a friend that way. The truth is, I couldn’t stop thinking about Cain, when I slept I dreamed of him and when I was around him, I fought hard to keep my hands off him.
I sat at my computer reading through my emails and signing off some edits when my door knocked. I looked up to see Cain with Lander, they both smiled as I beckoned them in.
“How did it go?” I asked.
“Great,” Cain smiled. “I start tomorrow.”
“Awesome, thank you, Lander.”
“He did all of the work, trust me, we really put him through it.” Lander stated and tapped Cain’s shoulder. “Right, Cain, I will see you at eight-thirty in my office.”
“Sure thing.” Cain replied.
“I’ll catch up with you later, Jenna.”
“Okay, thanks again.” I said as he left.
“You have no idea how grateful I am to you for this.” Cain said as he turned to face me.
“Well, what happened to you was wrong. I just wanted to give you a chance.” I explained.
“Still, you didn’t have to, so thank you.”
“No problem.” I smiled slightly.
“So, this is your office.” He said gazing around.
“Yes.”
“I’m impressed, Jenna.” He grinned. “I guess I’ll head back to town then.”
“You don’t have to.”
“You’re busy, I wouldn’t want to get in the way.” He explained.
“It’s almost lunch and my meeting cancelled on me, we could go and take a look around the city or…”
“If it’s all the same to you, I would just like to go home, um, I mean, back to town.” He said coolly. I began to feel awkward with him, why was he acting so cold?
“Sure,” I stood and lifted my bag onto my desk. I pulled my keys out and held them out to him. “Take my car then.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course,” I swallowed.
“At least now I have a job, I will be able to look for my own place.” He said as he took my keys. Pain began to writhe in my chest.
“If that’s what you want.” I shrugged.
“I think it’s for the best, don’t you?”
“You’re an adult, you can do what you want.” I sighed and sat back in my seat.
“That’s right.” He agreed. “Well, thank you again and I will pick you up at the station tonight.”
>
“Okay.” I said and watched as he left. I didn’t want him to go, but I knew I couldn’t expect him to hang around either. Everyone either died on me, left me or dumped me eventually, why would Cain be any different?
He spoke with Kate for a while before he left the office completely and I was dying to ask her what was said. It made the rest of the day practically intolerable. I hated the thought that he would leave my life again, I know this was how I said it should have been, but I liked having him around and even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss.
The train home was delayed, so I sent him a text to explain I would be late and as I didn’t know exactly how late, I said I would get a cab. He didn’t reply so I assumed he was still mad at me and we were back to not communicating.
As I came out of the station, Cain was leaning against my car. In true spring style, it had started to rain again, but the air felt warm against my skin. As anxious as I began to feel during the train ride, I must admit I was both pleased and relieved to see him there.
“I sent a text message.” I said.
“I know, but I left my phone in your car and when I got in to come and get you, I saw I had a message. I am not letting you get a cab when I have your car, that’s just wrong.” He explained. “So, how was the rest of your day?” he asked opening the door for me to get in out of the rain.
“It dragged to be honest.” I admitted as I clicked in my seatbelt. I waited for him to climb in beside me and then I asked, “Have I upset you again?”
“Why would you think you have upset me?” he queried as he started the engine.
“When you left today, you seemed a little off.” I replied.
“I wasn’t expecting my new boss to be another ex of yours.”
“Excuse me?” I snapped.
“You and Lander, don’t deny it, he told me himself.”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but Lander and I went out once and it wasn’t even a date.” I retorted angrily.