by S. L. Naeole
His voice was haunting as it floated around me. “You would kill yourself? You would sacrifice your soul so that you could save mine?”
Without hesitation, I nodded. “Was there ever a doubt? Was there ever a moment where you thought that you were the only one capable of sacrifice?”
“You sacrificed yourself for your friends…”
“And you. I love my friends, I love my family, but my life doesn’t begin and end with them. It does with you. It always has.” Now I was crying; my tears fell, landing with tiny clicking sounds against the leaves and bark that lay scattered around my feet.
He launched himself forward and before I could even blink, his hands were on my face, his own mere millimeters from mine. Our noses touched, and again, the heat from his skin scorched mine in ways that went beyond the physical. Despite his appearance, despite the fear that seeing him this way involuntarily formed inside of me, he was still Robert, and he still affected me in ways no one else ever had.
“Is this how it ends then? With me taking your life?” His hot breath washed over me and I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, focusing on the scent that hinted of leather and smoke and sweetness. I didn’t get a chance to answer. His lips pushed down forcefully on mine, the act desperate and consuming, but I didn’t care. I was desperate, too.
My arms lifted and wrapped themselves around him. I brought him close against me, as close as I could, and he let me. He allowed me to bring him into the embrace, and he kissed me with a need that was beyond description. I knew it, I felt it; I breathed it in because I needed it, too.
My heart was racing against time itself inside of my chest, and the voice inside of my head, the name that signified everything that mattered to me right then and there, blurred into peaceful hum that harmonized with the song that sang in my blood as I tasted the fire and everything it touched.
It was with a ragged and tortured cry that Robert pulled himself away, thought his hands still held on to me, his thumbs gently tracing my cheeks, rubbing the tracks my tears had left as they fell.
I opened my eyes and saw, even in the endless blackness that consumed his eyes, that there was sadness there. A quick flash of silver seemed to appear, ringing his irises with their light, before disappearing and leaving him, leaving me with the bleakness that I had hoped we could conquer together.
“I love you, Grace.”
“I love you, too, Robert,” I said to him, a half sob tearing through me before his hands left my face.
“I’m sorry,” he lamented.
“I know.”
I felt his hands trail down my face, his fingers trace the throbbing vein in my throat. One hand wrapped around my neck, while the other pressed against my heart, feeling the dual rhythms as they beat in defiance of everything that had tried to stop them. My hands went over his, pushing them in, forcing them to wrap tighter, press deeper.
I could no longer swallow, and felt the coughing struggle to come up, the constriction pushing them down and filling my lungs with the pressure. My face turned hot as the blood pooled in my cheeks, and my tongue grew stiff, rising to the roof of my mouth before being pulled back, back towards the entrance to my throat. I gagged, but nothing was going to come of it, and so I gagged again.
I could hear a buzzing sound in my ears as it mingled with the slowing thud of my heartbeat. Soon my ears began to burn, and my mouth turned dry. Every instinct in my body was screaming at me to fight against this, but instead my hands on Robert’s grew more determined as I encouraged him to squeeze, to stop hesitating.
Robert’s eyes were closed. I don’t know how I knew that, but I did. He couldn’t watch, and I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want him to see, and so I closed my eyes, too. I fought through the terror that was conceived inside of me as my chest began to ache and my head began to pound from the lack of oxygen so that I could form in my mind an image of Robert and me together. I wanted Robert to see this as my last memory. I wanted him to know that I did not blame him. I would die gladly to save him, even if he was the one to kill me.
I’m sorry. Forgive me.
My lungs suddenly filled with air as I gulped greedily with a breath I had never intended to take, and I fell to the ground as my legs collapsed beneath me, too weak and too oxygen deprived to support me anymore. I was coughing, a hacking, body shaking cough that forced the blood that had collected in my head to remain trapped there until the coughing had subsided.
And Robert was gone.
“No. No-no-no! No, Robert, no!” I tried to scream, but the coughing returned, my throat feeling as though it were on fire. I struggled to my feet, one hand at my burning throat and the other holding my head as the pounding grew worse. “Robert, come back. Robert, come back, please!”
Suddenly my body grew stiff. My arms were forced away from my head, and my back arched painfully. The ground began to sink away from my feet. Or…did my feet begin to rise away from the ground?
I turned my head to see my arms were now jutting straight out at my sides, my hands and fingers splayed open. A breeze began to blow, calm at first, bringing with it the fresh scent wet moss, dewy leaves, and damp soil. But then, as though the setting of a fan had been raised, the breeze turned angry, forceful. My hair, which had long since escaped the confines of my rubber band, whipped out all around me, and my shirt rippled as the hem was blown up and down.
I had been here before, in this position. I felt the glowing warmth inside of me this time, sensed it before it began to turn my skin a soft amber, before the tiny shards of light began to shoot from my fingertips and out towards the dark confines of the woods, illuminating them.
My head was thrown back, and above me, where the trees had given way to sky, I saw the black form of Robert, who floated just out of reach. He was looking down at me, his wings gently flapping as he saw what was happening. My mouth opened to call his name, but my words turned into light, and struck him.
No!
My thoughts…they could still be heard, and they were thrown out in a flurry as Robert came tumbling down towards me, his descent slowed by the light that held him trapped. A grating, metallic sound flowed from his mouth, and he jerked and twitched as the light surrounded him, capturing him in bubble of viscous light.
Robert, get away. Get away. This is what happened to Sam. Please…
In the golden halo of light, Robert’s eyes began to lighten. He looked at me and smiled, and even with the forceful glow that surrounded him, his smile shined brighter, happiness beaming through him.
This is how it has to be. You shouldn’t be the one to die, Grace. You shouldn’t. It should have always been me…
I couldn’t shake my head, but I could cry. My tears fell in rapid succession while I watched the darkness recede from him, leaving his hair and his wings and taking with it his youth, aging him before my eyes.
I can’t make it stop, Robert. I can’t make it stop and let you go. Please, please try to fight it. Please. I can’t lose you like this. You can’t leave me here to live without you. I’m not the strong one. I don’t know how to be strong without you.
His smile grew and he reached a hand out to me. You’ve always been the stronger one, Grace. You’re the one who helped me to live, remember? You’re the one who’s strong enough to live, and that’s exactly what you’ll do.
I tried to take his hand, but the light held me prisoner. Robert, don’t leave me. My heart can’t exist without you here. I can’t be alone. You promised never to leave me. You promised you’d always be with me.
A sparkle in his eyes glittered down to me. I’ll always be with you, Grace. I promised you that and I meant it. You’ll never be alone. You’re my heart. Wherever it is, that’s where I’ll be. Live, Grace. Live and be happy. Live and love again, love the way we were never able to. I love you.
Robert, no. Don’t go!
Goodbye, Grace.
A pinging sound preceded the explosion of light that sent me flying, hurtling backwards and tumbling through branches a
nd leaves, until I fell onto the ground, my face landing against the hard knob of an exposed root. My eyes focused on the soil as sparks fell down around me, landing in front of me like tiny stars, glowing for seconds before their light became extinguished.
And as the buzzing in my ears died down, I realized that my mind was empty. There was no sound now, no voice calling out a name, no urgency, no demands being made upon me. It was quiet. Painfully, distractingly, and heartbreakingly quiet.
Slowly, very slowly my mouth began to move, and as each breath escaped me, a sob went with it. They grew in volume and intensity until I was shaking on the ground. My heart felt as though it hadn’t just shattered, but rather disintegrated into nothing as my chest ached from my loss. I dug my hands into the soil, gripping onto leaves and twigs and crushing them in a desperate need to destroy whatever it was that I could reach, to inflict pain in the same way that I hurt.
I was angry, I was heartbroken. I was inconsolable. Why? Why was it that I had been born to die so that Robert could live, and yet he had died instead? Why had my wounds healed when they should have brought Robert the relief he needed and taken my life as they should have?
Why was I given such a brief moment to experience love with someone who had been born for me just as much as I had been born for him, only to have it all be taken away, and by who? I hadn’t called for help, I didn’t want help. Who had interfered where they were not wanted? Who would have done such a thing?
I screamed in agony at the intrusion that had wreaked so much damage. They had taken from me the most precious thing in my life, the most important part, the only part that had ever been true and honest. I pushed myself up and dusted the dirt off of me as my body was wracked with the venom of hate that spread through me.
“Grace?”
A pair of nervous eyes peeked out from behind a small tree. “Grace, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“I’m sure I don’t.”
She approached me cautiously, her hair swirling around her body in chaotic waves, and I saw that the damage to her tree reflected also on her flesh. She had open sores, and her skin, which had once contained various shades of green, now had a grayish tinge to it.
“You…you are alive? And Robert is not?”
My head dipped down once in confirmation, and she slithered back in shock. “But that’s not how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to die.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I snapped, my voice sounding strange with such a fiery, vengeful tone to it. “Don’t you think I wanted it to be the other way around?”
“But how could you…how did you kill him?”
“It wasn’t me! I don’t know who did it, but it wasn’t me!”
But I wasn’t so sure about that, and Bala could see it, hear the uncertainty in my voice. She looked at me with skepticism written plainly on her face, her eyes glassy with apprehension and doubt.
“If Robert is gone, if he is truly dead, then you need to leave,” she said firmly, her tone suddenly cold.
“What? Why?”
“He is the only reason why I’ve kept the forest from hurting you. He is the only reason they had to care. If he is gone, Ameila will leave, and Lark with her. There will be no more angels to protect us, and we will have to defend ourselves against what will now come. You are human-”
“That’s just it, I don’t know what I am, I-”
A slick vine wrapped itself around my mouth, preventing me from speaking, from finishing my statement.
“You are human, do you understand? You are a human. You are not safe here any longer.” The vine was soon joined by others, countless green, leafy ribbons that curled around and around me, bringing my arms tightly into my body, wrapping around my legs and trapping me.
“I will take you out of here, but I don’t want to ever see you again. You’re marked now. You’ve killed an angel and those who despise your kind as well as mine will not take kindly to that. You will stay away from here, stay away from me and my forest. Don’t let my trees see you again, Grace. I’m sorry.”
I was sorry, too. I had lost so much today. To lose Bala’s friendship now was just the icing on the cake, and I couldn’t argue with her points. If Robert’s death was because of me, it was only a matter of time before someone decided to do something about it. They could lay the blame of Robert’s death and Sam’s death at my feet, and they’d be right.
Bala turned away and the vines that held me tugged at my back, pulling me down and dragging me through the trees. The sounds that surrounded me began to grow louder, angrier, almost frantic with disappointment, grief, and a thirst for something that I knew could only be for blood. I didn’t blame them. I only wish they had acted sooner.
Over bumps and rocks, knotted roots and dips in the soil, my body traveled until I was rolled unceremoniously out of the edge of the woods, deposited onto the moist grass that lined the field where Sam’s death had singed the surface, the black flare of charred grass a testament to the crime that had been committed there.
I stood up and ran towards the lights that still shined brightly in the parking lot. I searched for the bodies of Erica and Mr. Branke, but they were gone, as was Mr. Branke’s car. The lot was empty, and I was alone. My boots soon crunched against gravel and I made the turn onto the road that would lead me home.
But which home? What was home now? The place where my father and mother had lived in a house of lies? Or the place where Robert and I had spent our last, blissful moments together before we had taken fate into our own hands?
I sank to the ground as I realized that neither was home, not so long as Robert didn’t exist anymore. Again my tears fell, and I buried my face in my hands, sobbing into them every memory laced, and agony induced teardrop. What would I say to Ameila when I saw her again? How would I tell her that her son had died instead of me; that all the plans that she and my mother had made had been for nothing?
And Lark… As angry as I was at her for knowing so much and not telling me anything, how could I face her? She already knew, and she would blame me, just as Bala did.
What would that mean for her and Graham? Graham would stand up for me. I knew that as surely as I knew my own name, and that would only create trouble between the two of them. Living was only going to complicate things more.
“Grace?”
My head rose, and I bit back another sob as I took in the sight of Stacy’s lithe frame. She looked beautiful, healthy, and yet so sad.
“You…why are you here?” I asked her in a hiccup.
“I’m your friend, that’s why. Do I need another reason?”
“No, but…”
“No buts. What happened? Where’s Robert? Why are you sitting on the side of the road?”
I tried my best to answer her without breaking down, but my words came out in broken sobs. “Robert’s gone. I tried to hide, I tried to get away but he found me and…he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. He left me, but something happened and I…I think I killed him, and now I don’t know where to go. If I go home, I’ll have to deal with my father’s guilt. If I go to Rob…if I go back to Lark’s house, I’ll have to face her, Ameila…. I have nowhere to go. I don’t know where I belong anymore, Stacy.”
“You’re being ridiculous, Grace. It’s not as if your family watched you die and now you’re homeless. You have a father who loves you and a step-mother who cares about you. You have a best friend who would move heaven and earth to keep you safe, and you have me. You saved me, Grace. You risked your life to save me, and if I can’t help you out here, then what good was that risk for?”
I wanted to argue with her, but I was too tired. My body was exhausted. I just didn’t know if it was emotionally or physically. I didn’t care.
“I’m going to take you home, to your Dad’s.”
I nodded and said nothing as she gently picked me up in an icy embrace, her strength surprising, her swiftness even more so. She ran, dow
n the road, keeping to the darkness, saying nothing as she neared my street. Only when the street lights became visible did she lower me to the ground.
“I can’t go any further, Grace. Your father still thinks I’m dead—well…I am, but you know what I mean—so I’m going to leave you here. I’ll watch you until you get inside to make sure that you’re safe.”
“So it’s true then? Sam does have a partner?” I asked, knowing that she couldn’t know about the consequences that Robert’s death would have on me.
“I don’t know, but Lark believes it now.” The way she said Lark’s name made it sound like a curse word.
Realizing that she was waiting for a response, I nodded. “It’s true. He never could get to me any other way…”
She motioned her head towards my home. “Go on. Your father is in mourning, Grace. He thinks you’re dead. Give him the gift of knowing that you’re not. Do for him what I can’t do for my own.”
“Will I see you again?”
“Of course. You don’t think you’ll be able to get rid of me that easily, do you? I’m dead, not gone.”
I hugged her, ignoring the icy chill that rushed through me. “Thank you, Stacy.”
“Anytime, Grace.”
I turned away and jogged the last few meters home, taking a deep breath before turning the knob on my door and stepping inside.
PROMISES KEPT
“I don’t think you need to do this, Grace.”
“It’s not that important.”
“You’re not going to hurt him by not going.”
“It’s too soon.”
My head whipped around and I glared at the people who stood in my room. Dad, Janice, Graham, and Lark all stared at me with concerned expressions on their faces, their mouths all poised to continue speaking.
“Could you all just stop? Just stop it.”
It had been less than ten hours since Robert had died. Ten hours since I had arrived home to find my father being consoled by my best friend and my step-mother. Ten hours since I had been begged for forgiveness before collapsing onto my bed.