‘Who said I didn’t wish to help Rick? I can see he’s a talented young man. These drawings show true promise. I’ve every reason to believe he might do well at Atlas Brookings. The problem is that it’s you asking me, Helen.’
‘Then I shouldn’t have spoken. Before I spoke, it was going well. I could see how you took to each other, and Rick spoke to you with genuine respect. But then I intervened, and now there’s a problem.’
‘Damn right there’s a problem, Helen. Twenty-seven years’ worth of a problem. Twenty-seven years you refuse to have any communication with me. I wasn’t harassing your mother during that time, Rick. I don’t want you thinking that. At the start of it, I was, well, let’s say I might have been emotional in tone. But I never harassed her, never threatened, never blamed. Just pleaded. Is that fair, Helen? A fair characterization?’
‘Quite fair. You were persistent, but there was never any unpleasantness. But Vance, does this have to be said in front of Rick?’
‘Okay. I respect that. Maybe I should stop doing the talking. Maybe it’s time you did some talking instead, Helen.’
‘Sir? I don’t know what’s gone on in the past. But if you feel there’s something inappropriate about asking you to…’
‘Just a minute, Rick,’ Mr Vance said. ‘I’m wanting to help you. But I think it’s time we gave your mother a chance to explain herself.’
For several seconds none of them spoke. I looked towards Diner Manager, wondering if he had been listening, but he was staring out into the darkness beyond his windows, with no sign of having heard anything that interested him.
‘I admit,’ Miss Helen said, ‘I behaved badly towards you, Vance. I accept that. But then I behaved badly towards myself, towards everybody. You mustn’t feel singled out. My awfulness was universally distributed.’
‘That may be so. But I wasn’t just everybody. We’d been sharing a life for five years…’
‘Yes. And I do so want to apologize. Sometimes, Vance – and Rick too, I don’t mind saying this in front of you – I often wish I could line up all the people, everyone I’ve treated shabbily, have them all in a long line. Then I’d work my way along it, you know, the way a monarch might. One by one, shake each person’s hand, look each one in the eye and say, I’m so sorry, wasn’t I awful.’
‘Fantastic. So now I have to stand in line. For the honor of receiving her majesty’s apology.’
‘Oh dear, that came out badly. I’m just trying to express how…how I feel. I know it sounds dreadful when you put it like that. But when I look back on things, it’s so overwhelming, and I think, if only there could be some sort of solution like that. If I was a queen, then yes, I could…’
‘Mum, really, I know what you’re trying to say. But maybe this isn’t the best way…’
‘Once you were a kind of queen, Helen. A beautiful queen. And you thought you could do whatever you wished with impunity. I’m kind of sad, but kind of glad too. To see you didn’t get away with it. That it’s caught up with you and you’ve had to pay a price after all.’
‘And what price have I paid, Vance? Do you refer to my being poor? Because I don’t mind that so much, you know.’
‘You may not mind being poor, Helen. But you’ve become fragile. And I think you mind that a whole lot more.’
Miss Helen was silent for several further seconds while Mr Vance kept staring at her with big eyes. Finally she said: ‘Yes. You’re right. Since the days you knew me, I’ve become…fragile. So fragile that I’m liable to break into pieces in a puff of wind. I lost my beauty, not to the years but to this fragility. But Vance, dear Vance. Won’t you forgive me now at least partially? Won’t you help my son? Vance. I’d offer you everything, anything, but there’s nothing I can think to offer you. Nothing at all, other than this pleading. So I’m begging you, Vance, to help him.’
‘Mum, please. Stop this. There’s no way…’
‘You see my difficulty, Rick. I don’t quite know what it is your mother’s referring to here. She says she wants to apologize, but about what? It’s all so broad. I think maybe this will work better, Helen, if we get down to specifics.’
‘I’m just asking you to help my son, Vance. Isn’t that specific enough?’
‘Specifics, Helen. For example, that evening at Miles Martin’s house. You know the evening I refer to.’
‘Yes, yes. When I told them all that you’d not yet read the Jenkins Report…’
‘You earned yourself a big laugh at my expense for that one, Helen. And you knew what you were doing…’
‘Then Vance, I apologize about that evening. I was out of control, I was vindictive. I wish…’
‘Another specific. No order, I’m working down the list randomly. That voicemail you left me in that hotel. In Portland, Oregon. You think that wasn’t hurtful?’
‘It was very hurtful. It was a despicable message and I haven’t forgotten it. I…I hear it in my mind even now, it invades me when I least expect it. I have a quiet moment to myself, then there I am, in my mind, picking up the phone and leaving you that message all over again, except this time I change it. I edit it so that it’s not quite so awful. Because I never actually heard it myself, only heard myself saying it, I feel sometimes it’s not too late to amend it. I can’t help it, it’s a trick my mind plays and then I feel so dreadful all over again. Believe me, Vance, I’ve punished myself about that message so much. And you must appreciate, in those days, I didn’t know how you technically erase a message once you’ve left one…’
‘Mum, stop. Sir? I don’t think this is doing my mother much good. She’s been great recently, but…’
Miss Helen touched Rick’s arm to silence him. ‘Vance, I’m apologizing,’ she went on. ‘I’m pleading. I’m saying I behaved badly towards you and if you like, I’ll vow to you that I’ll punish myself and keep punishing myself until I’ve made it up to you.’
‘Mum, let’s go. This isn’t good for you.’
‘If you wish, Vance, we can arrange to meet again. Let’s say in two years’ time in this very place. Then you could check to see I’ve been keeping my promise. You could look me over and check that I’ve been punishing myself properly…’
‘That’s enough, Helen. If Rick wasn’t here, I’d tell you what I think of that.’
‘Sir? I don’t wish you to do anything at all to assist me. I don’t want any part of this now.’
‘No, Rick, you don’t know what you’re saying,’ Miss Helen said. ‘Don’t listen to him, Vance.’
Mr Vance rose to his feet and said: ‘I have to go.’
‘Mum, please calm down. None of this matters so much.’
‘You don’t know what you’re saying, Rick! Vance, don’t go just yet! Let’s not part like this. You used to love donuts. Won’t you have one now?’
‘I agree with Rick. None of this is good for you, Helen. Best thing’s for me to leave. Rick? I like those drawings and I like you. Take good care of yourself. Goodbye, Helen.’
Mr Vance walked off down the aisle between the booths, without looking back at any of us, then out through the glass door and into the darkness. Miss Helen and Rick went on sitting side by side, looking down at the space before them on the tabletop. Then Rick said: ‘Klara. Come and sit over here with us.’
‘I’m wondering,’ Miss Helen said.
Rick moved closer to her, placing an arm around her shoulders. ‘What are you wondering, Mum?’
‘I’m wondering if that was enough. If that will satisfy him.’
‘Honestly, Mum. If I’d known it was going to be even halfway like this, I’d have said never in a million years.’
I slipped into the seat vacated by Mr Vance, but neither Miss Helen nor Rick raised their glances to me. I looked at Miss Helen, and thought about how she and Mr Vance had once been besotted and in love. And I wondered if there had been a time w
hen Miss Helen and Mr Vance had been as gentle to one another as Josie and Rick were now. And if it was possible that one day, Josie and Rick too might show such unkindness to each other. And I remembered the Father talking in the car about the human heart, and how complicated it was, and I saw him standing in the yard, directly in front of the low Sun, his figure and his evening shadow entwining into a single elongated shape as he reached up and unscrewed the protection cap from the nozzle of the Cootings Machine, and I stood anxiously behind him, holding the plastic mineral water bottle containing the precious solution.
‘What happened just now?’ Miss Helen asked. ‘What’s Vance going to do? Is he going to help? He could at least have told us one way or the other.’
‘Excuse me,’ I said. ‘I don’t wish to create unwarranted hope. But from what I observed I believe Mr Vance will decide to help Rick.’
‘You really think so?’ Miss Helen asked. ‘Why?’
‘I may be mistaken. But I believe Mr Vance is still very fond of Miss Helen and will decide to help Rick.’
‘Oh you darling robot! I do so hope you’re right. I don’t know what else I might have done.’
‘Mum, to hell with him. I’ll be fine anyway.’
‘He wasn’t nearly as ugly as I’d been led to expect,’ Miss Helen said, and looked out into the dark empty street. ‘In fact, he wasn’t so bad-looking at all. I just wish he’d told us. One way or the other.’
* * *
—
Our booth must have been clearly visible to the Mother as she pulled up by the curb on our side of the diner. But she dimmed the lights and remained in the car, perhaps wishing to give privacy, even though she could see Mr Vance had gone.
But when we came out and entered the car, and started to move through the night, I saw she was anxious about Josie being left alone in the Friend’s Apartment – and keen to deliver me there as quickly as possible before she drove Rick and Miss Helen to their reasonable hotel. The Mother had asked, ‘How did it go?’ when we’d first got in, but after Miss Helen had replied, ‘Not so good, we’ll have to see,’ there was little conversation in the car, each person becoming lost in their thoughts.
At night the Friend’s Apartment was even harder to distinguish from its neighbors. The Mother led me up the correct steps, and from the top step I glanced back to the waiting car under the streetlight. I could then see the shapes of Miss Helen and Rick inside it, and wondered what they might be saying to each other now they were alone.
The Friend’s Apartment was just as we’d left it when setting off for Mr Capaldi’s, except of course it was now in darkness. From the entrance hall, I could see the Main Lounge, and the night patterns falling over the sofa on which Josie had waited for the Father’s arrival. Her paperback was still on the rug where she’d let it fall, one corner palely illuminated.
The Mother indicated down the hall, saying softly: ‘She should be fast asleep, so go in quietly. Anything concerns you, call me. I’ll be twenty minutes.’
She was about to go out again, and I didn’t wish to delay Rick and Miss Helen’s return to the reasonable hotel, but I said quietly:
‘It’s possible now we can hope.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘In the morning when the Sun returns. It’s possible for us to hope.’
‘Okay. I guess that’s helpful, the way you’re always optimistic.’ She reached for the door. ‘Don’t turn on any lights. They could disturb her, even inside there.’ Then the Mother became oddly still, standing in the near-dark, her nose almost touching the surface of the door. Without turning, she said: ‘Josie and I had a conversation earlier. It took some strange turns. I guess we were both tired. If she wakes up and says anything peculiar to you, don’t pay it too much attention. Oh, and remember. Leave this chain off or I won’t get back in. Goodnight.’
* * *
—
I entered the Second Bedroom carefully and found Josie sleeping soundly. The room was more narrow than the bedroom at home, but the ceiling was higher, and because Josie had left the blind halfway up, there were shapes falling across the wardrobe and the wall next to it. I went to the window and looked out into the night to establish the path the Sun might take in the morning, and how easy it would be for him to look in. Like the room itself, the window was tall and narrow. Surprisingly close by were the backs of two large buildings, and I could decipher drainpipes marking vertical lines, and repeating windows, most of them empty or blanked out by blinds. Between the two buildings I could see the street beyond, and could tell that by the morning, it would be a busy one. Even now there was a steady flow of vehicles crossing the gap. Above the piece of street was a tall column of night sky, and I estimated the Sun would have no difficulty pouring in his special nourishment from it, narrow though it was. I realized too how important it was that I remain alert, ready at the first sign to raise the blind fully.
‘Klara?’ Josie stirred behind me. ‘Is Mom back too?’
‘She won’t be long. She’s just driving Rick and Miss Helen to their hotel.’
She appeared to return into sleep. But a few moments later I heard the bedclothes move again.
‘I’d never let anything bad happen to you.’ Her breaths became longer and I thought she’d fallen asleep again. Then she said in a clearer voice: ‘Nothing’s changing.’
She’d now become more awake, so I said: ‘Did the Mother discuss with you some new idea?’
‘Well, I don’t think it was an idea. I told her nothing like that’s ever going to happen.’
‘I wonder what it was the Mother suggested.’
‘Didn’t she already talk to you about it? It was nothing. Some vague stuff traveling through her head.’
I wondered if she would say anything more. Then the duvet moved again.
‘She was trying to…offer something, I guess. She said she could give up her job and stay with me the whole time. If I wanted that. She said she could become the one who was always with me. She’d do that if I really wanted it, she’d do it and let her job go, but I said, what would happen to Klara? And she was like, we wouldn’t need Klara any more because she would be with me the whole time. You could tell it wasn’t anything she’d thought through. But she kept asking, like I had to decide, so in the end I told her, look, Mom, this wouldn’t work. You don’t want to give up your job and I don’t want to give up Klara. That was just about all of it. It’s not going to happen and Mom agrees.’
We were quiet for some time after that, Josie hidden in the shadows while I continued to stand at the window.
‘Perhaps,’ I said eventually, ‘the Mother thought if she stayed with Josie all the time, Josie would be less lonely.’
‘Who says I’m lonely?’
‘If that were true, if Josie really would be less lonely with the Mother, then I’d happily go away.’
‘But who says I’m lonely? I’m not lonely.’
‘Perhaps all humans are lonely. At least potentially.’
‘Look, Klara, this was just a shitty idea Mom was having. I was asking her earlier about the portrait, and she got herself into a big knot and came up with this idea. Except it wasn’t an idea, it wasn’t anything. So please can we forget about it?’
She became quiet again, then she was asleep. I decided that if she woke up again, I should say something to prepare her for what might happen in the morning, at least to ensure she did nothing to impede his special help. But now, perhaps because I was in the room with her, her sleep continued to deepen, and eventually I left the window to stand by the wardrobe, from where I knew I’d see the first signs of the Sun’s return.
* * *
—
We sat in the same positions as on the journey coming in. The height of the seat backs meant I could see the Mother only partially as she drove, and Miss Helen hardly at all except when she peered around her
seat to emphasize what she was saying. Once – we were still in the city’s slow morning traffic – Miss Helen turned to us in this way and said:
‘No, Ricky, dear, I don’t want you to say anything else unpleasant about him. You don’t know him at all and you don’t understand. How could you?’ Then her face went away, but her voice continued: ‘I suppose I said a lot of things myself last night. But this morning I realize how unfair that was. What right do I have to expect anything from him?’
Miss Helen had appeared to address this last question to the Mother, but the Mother seemed far away. As she drove us through another intersection, the Mother murmured: ‘Paul isn’t so bad. I think sometimes I’m too hard on him. He’s not a bad guy. Today I feel sorry for him.’
‘It’s funny,’ Miss Helen said, ‘but this morning, I woke up with more hope. I feel it’s quite possible Vance will still help. He rather worked himself up last night, but once he calms down and reflects, he may well decide he wants to be decent. He likes, you see, to nurture an image of himself as a very decent person.’
Rick stirred beside me. ‘I’ve told you, Mum. I’m not having anything else to do with that man. And neither should you.’
‘Helen,’ the Mother said, ‘is this really getting you anywhere? Going round and round this way? Why not just wait and see. Why torture yourself? You both did your best.’
Josie, on the other side of Rick from me, took Rick’s hand and entwined her fingers with his. She smiled at him encouragingly, but also, I thought, a little sadly. Rick returned the smile, and I wondered if they were exchanging secret messages just with their gazes.
I turned back to the window beside me, resting my forehead against the glass. I’d been watching and waiting since the earliest signs of dawn. But though the Sun’s first rays had come straight into the Second Bedroom through the gap between the buildings, I hadn’t for a second mistaken this for his special nourishment. I’d remembered of course that I should be grateful as always, but hadn’t been able to keep the disappointment from my mind. Then all through the early breakfast, and the packing, and as the Mother moved through the Friend’s Apartment checking security, I’d continued to watch and wait. And now, leaning forward and gazing past Rick and Josie, I could see the Sun, still on his morning ascent, flashing between the tall buildings as we moved past them. I thought then about the Father, closing the door of this very car, looking beyond me towards the yard and the Cootings Machine, saying, ‘Don’t worry, I heard it. The little fizzing sound. That’s the telltale signal. That monster won’t rise again.’ And then a moment later, his face looming in front of mine, his voice asking: ‘Are you okay? Can you see my fingers? How many do you see?’ and I experienced again, as I’d done all morning, a wave of anxiety that the Sun wouldn’t keep the promise he’d made in Mr McBain’s barn.
Klara and the Sun Page 24