“Thea!” Jardin called out.
She knew she should stop. But if she stuck around any longer, she was going to cave. She was going to give in to the emotions riding her and she couldn’t do that. Because if that happened, she might just let go completely. And she wasn’t certain she’d be able to put all the pieces back together.
“Rocket!” Carrick yelled.
Nope. Not happening. She didn’t know what was going on between the two of them, but they weren’t using her as a pawn in their feud. Her life was enough of a mess.
As she reached the door, a hand slipped gently around her upper arm, turning her. She looked up into Jardin’s face. Carrick stood over by the table, watching them. There was such pain on his face it made her heart ache.
“I need to get back to work.”
“You can’t leave when you’re upset,” Jardin said gruffly.
“I’m fine. Really. I just . . . I need a minute alone. And the two of you clearly need to talk. Please, just give me that time.”
Jardin scowled but then looked back to Carrick then to her. He nodded. “Fine. But I’ll have someone check in on you to make sure you made it safely back to the office. No arguments.”
He drew out his phone and tapped out a message to someone. She knew it was pointless to argue. Jardin was going to do whatever he thought best. And she just wanted out of here.
Without looking at Carrick again, she slipped from the restaurant.
12
Jardin turned and walked back to Carrick. He was torn. Part of him wanted to race after her. But another part wanted to deal with the issue right in front of him.
Carrick.
God, he’d missed him. He hadn’t handled Sally’s death well. He knew that. He’d lashed out at the one person who’d always been there for him. The one person who’d been hurting as much as he had.
“Aren’t you going to go after your girlfriend?” Carrick asked bitterly.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” he growled.
“Sorry . . . fuck-buddy.”
Jardin ground his teeth together, holding back the need to lash out. Carrick was doing enough of that. He turned to the owner who was still hovering worriedly. “Emmanuel, can we borrow your private room for a moment?”
“Of course, Mr. Malone.”
“What if I don’t want to talk to you,” Carrick bit out, glaring down at him.
Once, he’d been closer to this man than anyone. Now? Now, he was looking at him with hatred. And the worst thing was, Jardin knew he deserved every bit of that hate.
But Thea didn’t and he couldn’t understand why Carrick had acted the way he had. It had been obvious by the end that Carrick’s relationship with Sally was messed up. Or maybe it had been like that for a while and Jardin hadn’t noticed.
“I get it,” Jardin told him. “I wouldn’t want to speak to me either.”
Carrick gave him a shocked look.
“But you seem to have some misconceptions about Thea and her role in whatever you think is going on.”
Carrick frowned.
“I’ve never known you to hurt a woman, no matter how angry you were,” Jardin added.
“I didn’t mean to hurt her. I barely touched her.” Shame crept into Carrick’s face then it was chased away by bitterness.
Since when had he become so angry?
Maybe since you kicked him out of your life without listening to his side of things?
“I don’t deserve your time, but I’m asking for it.”
“Fine. Fuck. What have I got to lose, right? Just need to go tell my accountant I’ll have to postpone our chat.” Carrick walked over to a middle-aged, balding man who was watching their interaction with unabashed interest.
The man nodded at whatever he said, then Carrick and Jardin followed Emmanuel to the back room.
Carrick started pacing. As usual, he was dressed all in black. Tight T-shirt, jeans, and boots. Jardin looked him over with admiration, taking in the way his T-shirt molded to his arms and chest.
Jardin had never been interested in men. Except for Carrick.
“You’ve got five minutes,” Carrick said sharply. “You gonna spend the whole time staring at me or you want to explain what the fuck is going on?”
Jardin narrowed his gaze, working hard to keep his need to snap back under control. He wasn’t used to riding the edge of his temper. He made cool and calm decisions. He didn’t let emotions filter through. The last time he’d done that he’d lost the man standing in front of him.
“I made a mistake.”
“Excuse me?” Carrick asked.
“When I told you to get out, I was fueled by emotion. You know emotions and I don’t do well together. I said what I did in anger and grief and I didn’t mean it. But that doesn’t excuse it. I said it and I’ve regretted it ever since. Regretted that it cost me you.”
Carrick let out a breath as he looked up at the ceiling. Jardin wasn’t sure what he was doing, but when he dropped his head to stare at Jardin, his face was emotionless.
“This wasn’t why I came back here. I’m not interested in rehashing the past.”
“No? Then why are you still angry at me?”
“I said I’m not interested in rehashing it. I didn’t say I forgave you.”
“You weren’t blameless in what happened, you know.”
Carrick raised his eyebrows. “So, I don’t roll over and accept your apology like a good boy, you’re going to turn things back on me?”
Shit. He had a point. But Jardin needed to get through the barrier he’d erected to protect himself. Carrick had always been an open book. Or Jardin thought he had been. But he’d hidden shit. And he wasn’t blameless.
“Hmm, have you ever been a good boy, Carrick?” He strode forward, not touching the bigger man but crowding in close. Physically, Carrick had him beat. But he wasn’t as dominant as Jardin was. And Jardin had an inkling that Carrick might bottom for him.
“I’m no boy.”
“But you could be, couldn’t you?”
“Cut it with the bullshit, Jardin. I’m not your sub.”
“But did you want to be?”
Carrick swallowed heavily.
“I’ve always wondered if I misinterpreted things. I’d see the heat in your eyes, I’d start to say something, but I’d always hold back. That was my first mistake. My second was believing in what Sally told me.”
Carrick scowled. “What did that bitch tell you?”
“That you were unhappy with us. That she wasn’t enough for you. That you wanted out, wanted other people.”
Carrick looked away.
“Her death was my fault, you know,” Jardin told him.
The other man gaped at him. “What? No, it wasn’t. I was supposed to be watching her that night. Making sure she didn’t drink too much. But I couldn’t stand to be around her. And she drank so much she . . .”
Slipped into the pool and couldn’t get out. He’d managed to keep that part out of the media, the bit about how intoxicated she’d been.
“It wasn’t your fault. Listen to what you’re saying. One of us always had to watch her to make sure she didn’t drink too much. We should have gotten her help. Professional help.”
“Still doesn’t make it your fault,” Carrick told him. “And you blamed me.”
“I lashed out at you. Something I’ve regretted ever since. I’m not a perfect man.”
Carrick gave him a derisive look. “Oh, really?”
“I was feeling guilty for her death and I took that out on you. It wasn’t fair or right. And I apologize. I know you might never forgive me, but I owe you that apology. I’ve owed it to you for a long time. Earlier that day I confronted her about the way she’d been treating you. She made some cutting remark, like how I was more interested in fucking you anyway. And I told her that yeah, I was. It infuriated her. She started throwing things at me. I told her she had until the morning to get out, then I got that call about Lottie.”
“
I remember,” Carrick said softly. Lottie had been kidnapped several years before. While she’d been doing a lot better, she’d refused to leave the house and had episodes where she’d hurt herself. That day she’d cut her thigh badly.
“I should have made time to tell you what was going on, but I thought I’d have time to figure it out when I got home. Then when she died . . . I was messed up, Carrick. I never should have said those things. I don’t know how else to tell you I’m sorry.”
Carrick looked away for a long moment. Then an assessing gaze moved over him. “You used me as an excuse.”
This was it. The moment of truth. But he owed him the truth. “No. I didn’t like the way she treated you. And if I thought there was a chance of me being with you, I wanted to pursue it.”
“But you’re not gay.”
“No, I’m not. I’m not into men.”
Carrick flinched.
“I’m into you. It’s always been you. Sally was a conduit between us. I admit I liked the idea of the three of us more than the execution of it. I thought I could have it all. A sweet sub to protect and cherish and discipline and the man I fucking loved.”
Carrick breathed out harshly. “Sally never wanted me. I came with you and she tolerated me. But her end game was always to get rid of me and have you to herself. After all, why would she want to be involved with a dirty, broke mechanic when she could have a Malone?”
“Except all I wanted was you.”
* * *
It’s always been fucking you.
This couldn’t be real.
All I wanted was you.
“I was your best friend—”
“Yeah, my best friend. And I didn’t want to lose that. So, I held back. I hoped something might build between us. It took me too long to figure out her game, how she was treating you.”
He shook his head. What? “What the fuck, man? This isn’t possible.”
Amusement filled Jardin’s face. “It’s not possible that I find you attractive? Seriously? Since when did your self-esteem take a total nosedive?”
“Since my best friend told me to get the fuck out, that he didn’t want to see me.”
“I fucked up. I didn’t mean it. Like I said, I was angry at myself, not you.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt?”
“Guess I was scared.”
Carrick let out a laugh. “The great Jardin Malone doesn’t get scared.”
“He does when someone means something to him. When he doesn’t want to lose them. When he doesn’t know what move to make. And then he makes the wrong one and messes up not just his life but the person who means everything to him.”
Carrick paced back and forth. “So, wait . . . let’s get this all straight. You and me. We were best friends. We shared a sub. One who was only with me because she thought she had to be to get you but secretly wanted you to herself.”
“Which I didn’t realize.”
“She told you lies about me, about how I wanted out? Wanted other people?”
“How she saw you talking to other men. How you’d come home smelling of cologne. How you stopped having sex with her.”
“Fuck,” Carrick swore. “She knew what buttons to push.”
“Being stupid wasn’t Sally’s issue.”
“No, being a raging bitch was.”
Jardin nodded in agreement. “But, yeah, she knew where to hit at me. I thought you wanted out. I thought I was going to lose you. I didn’t know how to tell you what I felt without risking you leaving or rejecting me. And it took me a while to work through my feelings for you. Plus, you seemed to be pulling away from me.”
“Fuck.” Carrick shook his head.
“I still don’t know if you’d ever be attracted to me. I know I’m not an easy man to love. That I’m controlling and pushy and domineering.”
Carrick slumped into a chair. Jardin pulled out another and sat across from him. “I’m a flawed man, Carrick. I make mistakes. Big ones. But I hope I learn from them. And if there’s any chance you could ever forgive me . . .”
He knew Jardin’s faults. He liked to control everything around him because there was less chance he could be hurt that way. He also blamed himself when things went wrong. He also knew Jardin found it hard to believe that anyone could love him. Not after growing up in the household he had. There had been little love between his parents or for their children.
But could he forgive him for everything? He’d ripped out Carrick’s heart and stomped on it.
Except he never knew he had your heart. Because you’re guilty of not telling him shit. About your feelings. About how Sally treated you.
“Sally worked us both. She used to take jibes at me. About how I’d never fit into your life. About how I couldn’t be seen with you. About how lucky I was to be allowed to live in your house, to have you pay for me. Shit like that.”
“That fucking bitch,” Jardin growled. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
Carrick shrugged. “Guess we’ve both got too much pride for our own good.”
“And she knew how to play to our weaknesses like a pro.”
They were both silent for a long moment.
“So now you’re back.”
“You knew I left?” Carrick asked.
“I did.”
He should have known he would have. Carrick had moved to Alabama after their breakup. He nearly snorted at the use of that word. They hadn’t had that sort of relationship.
Not then anyway.
“I own my garage. Got a house.” He didn’t know exactly why he’d come back. Only that he’d never felt at home in Alabama. Never fit in.
Maybe you came back for Jardin.
“You really wanted me? You think you could be into me . . . like that? Fuck, I sound like a teenager with my first crush.” He could feel his cheeks growing red.
“Always loved how you could blush. Carrick, I’ve wanted you for a long time. I was a prick. A selfish asshole. And I get it if you can’t forgive me. But I hope like hell you’ll give me another chance. That you’ll let me show you my feelings for you, how much you mean to me.”
“We haven’t seen each other in two years. I might have changed.”
Jardin watched him guardedly. “I’m sure we both have. That’s not a bad thing.”
Might not be a good thing either. “We’ve both got a lot of baggage.”
Jardin nodded. “But we know what that baggage is. And I never make the same mistake twice. All I need is a chance. A chance to earn your forgiveness. To be with you. I’ll show you how much I still need you. I never stopped thinking of you. Wanting you.”
“You never came for me.”
Jardin grimaced. “Not true.”
Shock filled Carrick and he straightened. “What are you talking about?”
“I tracked you down, about three months after you left. Got a PI to find you— ”
“I wasn’t hiding.”
“No. I know.”
“What happened? You changed your mind?”
Jardin cleared his throat. “When I got there, you were shutting up the garage. This woman came up to you. Big, blonde hair, short, red skirt.”
“Gemma,” he said. He rubbed his eyes. “Jesus.”
“You looked happy. You hugged her. You smiled. And I realized I couldn’t remember the last time you’d smiled. It was then I wondered if you weren’t better off without me in your life. You were miserable with us, weren’t you?”
“With her, yeah. Not with you.”
“I wish you would have told me.”
“Yeah, well, as worried as you were about losing me? I was just as worried. Especially since I knew you weren’t into guys. As far as I knew there was nothing tying us together but Sally and friendship.”
“And if there could be more? That woman is she— ”
“She was just a fling. I don’t . . . there’s no one. Well, I thought that maybe Thea— ”
“Thea?” Jardin straightened, a strang
e look coming over his face.
“Yeah, Thea. When I first saw you with her, looking all cozy, guess I just lost it. I thought you’d sent her to torture me. I know how stupid that sounds. It’s not like you could have set our meeting up. I was being an idiot.”
“It’s okay. I get it.” Jardin looked thoughtful. “Can we talk about Thea later? Right now, what I want to know is if there is a chance you could forgive me? That you could give me a chance?”
* * *
Christ, it was hard to ask.
He was a man more used to demanding and getting his way, but he’d had to eat his share of humble pie. He’d fucked up. And whatever way Carrick chose to punish him would only be fair.
Jardin hardly dared breathe as he watched Carrick. As he waited for his reply.
“I don’t know, J. Don’t you think there’s too much water under the bridge? I mean, maybe we could just be friends again.”
He’d take that, but it wasn’t what he wanted.
“I think life’s too short not to go for what you want. For what you need. I regret too many things in life, Carrick. I don’t want to add to those regrets.”
“You’ve never been with another man before?”
“No, like I said. It’s just you.”
“And women? You’re willing to give up being with a woman?”
Jardin leaned back in his seat. “If the right one came along, I wouldn’t be opposed to having a third. Provided you agree. We’d have to both want her and for her to want both of us. Equally. And she would have to be okay with our relationship.”
Someone like Thea would be perfect. Nope. Not mentioning that.
“You’ve never been with a man, Jardin. What if we did get together and then you figured out, you’re not actually into guys at all. What then?”
Jardin thought that over. It was one thing to say that wouldn’t happen, but it would just be words. They were all too easy to say but harder to mean.
He stood up. Carrick looked at him in surprise but before the other man could move, he leaned down, placing one hand behind Carrick’s head, the other under his chin.
And he kissed him.
At first Carrick just sat there. Frozen. Unresponsive. And he wondered if he’d made a horrible mistake. It was all one-sided. He didn’t have the same feelings toward him. His hard-on started to shrivel. He drew away.
Jardin’s Gamble Page 11