There is a certain charm in the way she looks at me, or at anyone for that matter, and I would never be able to explain it to anyone. No words can do justice to the feelings which rose in my heart when she looked directly at me, inviting me into her beautiful world.
I saw a small frown appear on her forehead, maybe because I had been staring at her for too long or probably because my mouth was open in surprise. ‘Is something the matter?’ she asked me as politely as she could, embarrassing me.
‘No . . . no.’ I bowed my head to hide my embarrassment, and waited for her to get up. I had called for an Uber which was waiting for us outside, to take us to the Sai Temple.
‘You look so . . . beautiful!’ I finally managed to tell her once we were inside the cab. There was an awkward silence hanging in the air before and after the words were spoken. But I was happy that I had told her what I felt, for better or for worse.
She took it genuinely, and smiled and said, ‘Thank you!’
The temple was half an hour’s journey from our apartment. In fact, I realized that everything was half an hour to forty-five minutes distance from where we were—malls, parks, the zoo, a temple—I mean everything!
I aimed to utilize our time together in the cab by trying to know more about her, but as always my plans that day too did not work. Even before I could adjust myself next to Adira inside the cab, Adira established that the cab driver was an Indian and was in fact from her own city—Chandigarh. The rest of our trip was very pleasant for the two of them as they spoke at length about each other while I looked for opportunities to butt into the conversation every once in a while. Both of them politely ignored me and my failed attempts as they discussed Chandigarh and everything about it. Finally, we reached there in what felt like ages to me. We got down, and she bid goodbye to her city buddy. Adira respectfully covered her head with a dupatta that she was carrying in her purse, and we walked into a building which looked like a local corporation building in India with its red-brick walls and low-maintenance gardens. My perception changed the moment we stepped into the grand hall. It was decorated splendidly with idols, lamps and flowers in every corner. A pujari was reciting beautiful hymns. There was a massive and perfectly sculpted marble statue of Sai Baba at the other end of the room, which was adorned with jewels and a crown. The place smelled divine with many incense sticks burning in all corners. In a few minutes, when the hall was nearly packed with devotees, the aarti began, and everyone joined their hands, and the place went from beautiful to magical, from glorious to gloriously divine!
We took our prasad at the end of the aarti and walked out. ‘Thanks for bringing me here,’ Adira said as we waited for our Uber to take us back to the apartment.
I did not want the trip to end like that but failed miserably when it came to finding the right words, in the correct order, at the right time. Thankfully, while I was still battling with the words to form an excellent conversation starter in my head, Adira spoke. ‘You are aware of my parents’ circumstances, aren’t you?’
I knew exactly what she was talking about. Her parents were in the process of getting divorced, and not many people knew about it. It all started when Adira moved out of Nani’s house. Piyush had told me about the legal battle which involved a lot of money as Adira’s parents were joint owners of a massive business empire. But I could not let her know or her trust on her best friend would be broken. It was Tamanna who had told Piyush, in confidence, who then told me, in good faith of course.
I shook my head, inviting her to tell me about it. I shall spare you the details of our emotional and lengthy conversation. What I will tell you is that we didn’t take that particular Uber. Instead, we walked a little as she told me about her parents and their love which had got lost over the years, and I saw her in a new light. She had so much emotional baggage with her. We had a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe and later ate lunch at a restaurant. We returned to our respective rooms at 7 p.m.
That day, I knew things had changed. She saw me as someone she could trust, and I made a promise to myself to never break her trust at any cost. That was also the day when we held hands for the first time, and she rested her head on my shoulder—When? How? Why? As I said, I will spare you the details.
ALONE TIME . . . THAT WAS ALL I NEEDED
It had already been three weeks, and I had managed to go out alone with Adira only once. The entire group travelled together on weekends, as well as any weekday outings where Adira was mostly busy shopping, clicking pictures or having a gala time with her friends. Angad and Adira used to take a stroll together every evening though. And that didn’t work well for me.
Why was I so insecure? Why couldn’t I let her be with her men friends? To be honest, I do not, till today, believe that Angad wanted to be ‘only friends’ with her. I felt like this every time I saw them together and whenever our eyes met. Not mine and Adira’s, I am talking about my eyes meeting Angad’s eyes when we were around Adira. He gave me the looks that one only gives to one’s enemy—a rival. I kind of liked the fact that he considered me a competitor; it was a great achievement for a boy like me, who, at one stage, could not even be considered an acquaintance of a girl like Adira.
Also, from Adira’s point of view, I now understand how important her friends were for her. But back then, a small sense of insecurity crept up on me and irritated me until I saw them coming back from their leisurely walk, from my balcony (discreetly of course). I was happy to be spending my breaks at work with her, but I wanted to know exactly what she felt about me before we headed back to India. Rajbir and I spoke about her sometimes, and he always encouraged me to talk to her as much as I could.
~
I love the sight of the rising sun and my love for the view doesn’t fade even during peak summers when some people cannot even bear to hear the word Sun. In Melbourne I woke up at three and went out to catch the morning sun once. The high-rise buildings were crowding the sky, making it impossible for anyone to get a glimpse of the sun in the most beautiful hour of the day. So, I took an Uber to Mt Ridley Road, an open space with nothing but nature. It was quite far from the city, but from what I had overheard from a colleague at work, ‘It has the power to take your breath away’. It presented a contrast of low hills and valleys on one side and sky-high buildings on the other.
‘Why are you up at such an ungodly hour in the morning?’ my Bangladeshi Uber driver asked me jokingly as we neared my destination.
‘I need some fresh air, and some time just for myself,’ I told him ‘and some time to think,’ I thought.
We bid each other goodbye after an hour-long journey, and there I stood, all alone at a point from where the dim city lights were visible on my right, and the beautiful bronze sky was right in front of me. I saw the sunrise colour the dark sky in bright shades. It was a mesmerizingly beautiful sight. I just stood there marvelling at the beauty presented before me. Nothing remained—just nature and I. Suddenly the alarm on my phone beeped and bought me out of my thoughts or the absence of my thoughts- it was six thirty. I had been sitting there for almost two and a half hours! Not thinking about anything, in particular, just admiring nature but the beep reminded me that it was time to go back to my world. I closed my eyes to freeze the moment in my memories.
On my way back, I wished that someday, just someday I would come back there with Adira and I would sit holding hands as the Sun would rise up in the sky to witness our love.
On Friday, I walked into the office looking for an opportunity to ask her out, alone. During the lunch break, I found it difficult to eat the bland pasta. Adira and I had taken the same pasta from the cafeteria, and looking at her relishing her food made me question my taste buds. ‘So . . . do you have . . . ahem . . . any plans for the evening?’ I finally asked her, clearing my throat. I started toying with my food. That was all I could do with it—swirl it around the fork and pretend to be interested in it.
‘No,’ she replied carelessly, and smiled, stuffing her face with a forkful of s
alad. Over the weeks I had realized that it was easy for her to laugh and smile, but her smiles rarely reached her eyes, unlike during our college days. Probably because of her parents’ divorce, I found myself thinking every time I saw her fail to smile like she used to. As Adira lifted her eyes from her plate to meet mine, I fell in love with her all over again, this time more hopelessly than ever because she looked at me as if she could read my thoughts—which was scary as hell but fascinating at the same time. I was getting caught in her web and drowning farther in her love, an inch farther every passing minute.
‘Do you want to take a walk?’ she asked me, and I became sure that somehow, she could indeed read my mind. I need to think before I think in her presence, I made a note in my head.
‘We could walk up to the Yarra after work,’ she recommended.
‘I would love to,’ I squeaked, and finally started eating my food. Nothing is bland or tasteless if there is happiness and hope in your heart, I realized.
~
‘Aren’t you late?’ Adira’s voice startled me as soon as I punched my identification card on the machine and stepped out of the office later that evening. I had been held back by Rajbir as he had caught me daydreaming during a session, and I had to redo the training with him. I had lost hope of going out with Adira that evening, but to my surprise, she’d waited for me after everyone left.
Dressed in a pair of black trousers and a white top, she was leaning against a brick wall with her hands in her pockets. Her oversized handbag hung over her right shoulder. She tilted her head a little and gave me a warm smile. Looking at her standing there, I grinned like a fool. ‘Sorry,’ I apologized, and we walked side by side towards the Yarra river.
It was time for almost everyone to head back home in CBD, and Adira and I became a part of the ever-swelling crowd as soon as we stepped out on the road. As we walked towards our destination, which was hardly a fifteen-minute walk from work, slowly and gradually, the crowd around us started thinning and finally vanished. We reached the bridge that connected the city from one side of the river to the other. As always, there were some tourists around, walking, laughing, creating memories and enjoying the view. Within fifteen minutes, we had escaped the madness of the busy world and entered a calm place where one could talk one’s heart out.
We walked together in silence until Adira saw a modern art installation next to the bridge. ‘Here, take my picture,’ she ordered, handing me her phone, and dashed off to pose. The phone was locked.
‘What is its password?’ I asked her loudly.
‘It is my birthday,’ she said, and before she could add anything, ‘14 December’ slipped out of my mouth. I bit my tongue. ‘You remember my birthday? Only my mom remembers my birthday,’ she said in excitement. ‘I have a good memory,’ I told her and regretted saying it within moments. ‘Really? When is Piyush’s birthday?’ she quizzed me. I could have lied to her and got out of the situation but my mind works the least under pressure. ‘Ammm . . . I don’t know,’ I told her with my cheeks on fire as I felt all the blood in my body rush towards my head. She didn’t say anything, just gave me a sly smile for a while and then poked me with her elbow. I did not know what exactly did she think of me then, but I did know that we were on our way to becoming what I had always dreamt of us to be. I clicked a few pictures of her, she clicked a few of me, and we walked over to the bridge.
As Adira and I walked close to each other, without saying a word to each other, our hands brushed a few times and that made me nervous like a teenage boy. With my mind shut down due to the sudden contacts, I knew that restarting the conversation was out of scope so I decided to observe the beautiful scene in front of us instead. The Yarra looked so scenic and peaceful at that hour. The water was probably not the cleanest that I had seen, but it moved in a beautiful rhythm. It sparkled in the warmth of the sun. Trees on the other side swayed with the softly blowing breeze, a fading rainbow was visible in the distance, and the sweet sounds of twittering birds filled the space between us. People were rowing in the river. We leaned against the thick walls of the bridge. Adira placed her hand on the wall, and her beautiful bracelet shone like many diamonds. After what felt like hours Adira finally broke the silence, ‘You have a good memory. Nowadays, who remembers birthdays?’ she said.
I wondered how to answer, but I knew that I had to tell her now. I turned to face her. Her face looked exquisite in the twilight. Looking at her then, I understood how some women are beautiful in a way that can only be described through poems, not sentences; just verses. My inner voice said, Ronnie, you might not get another chance; there will be no next time. It is either now or maybe never.
I looked into her eyes. Sometimes a moment changes everything for you; it was that kind of moment for me. I realized that her happiness meant the world to me, and the look in her eyes gave me enough courage to conquer the world for her.
‘Do you like your bracelet?’ I asked her, and she looked at me as if she was asking herself, Where is this going?
‘I do,’ she replied, as if stating the obvious.
‘I bought it for you,’ I told her, and shrugged my shoulders when she gave me a sharp, surprised look. ‘I couldn’t tell you then because I was too shy to tell you that . . . that . . .’ I added, and failed to finish the sentence.
‘That?’ she said with curiosity. I knew in my heart that she was aware of what was going to come out of my mouth next.
‘That I wanted to be more than just friends with you,’ I blurted out the words, keeping my eyes down. The words which had kept me awake at night for years were finally out there, between us, waiting for a response from her. I held my breath.
She was not angry with me, but she was not thrilled with my confession either. I had anticipated anger or happiness—but her slight indifference was beyond my understanding. ‘You are a good guy, Raunak. I have known you for so long, and I like you, despite of not wanting to. I like you a lot,’ she said, and looked at the bracelet. ‘Love was not kind to me in the past. It took me months to rebuild myself. There was this man that my parents chose for me. I fell in love with him, and he threw me out of his life like garbage because he felt I was not good enough for him. For some people, love is not meant to be. I like you so much and love spending time with you, but I am not completely sure if I want to let anyone enter that corner of my heart ever again.’ Her voice was low, and sadness filled her eyes.
I knew it would be hard for me to convince her for two reasons. First, she had suffered terrible heartbreak a few years ago, and second, her parents too had fallen out of love. It is easy to stop believing in the power of the most beautiful emotion mankind has ever known. But it is easier to quit; I was not going to quit. She liked me, and I was happy to wait until she was in love with me.
THINGS THAT HAD TO BE SAID
That evening when we came back, I skipped the team dinner and had my food alone in my room contemplating what to do next. It would be wrong to say that I was not angry with Adira. I was more than angry, and didn’t want to face anyone. ‘One heartbreak is not the end of your life!’ I wanted to scream at her, ‘Don’t you see how much I love you?’
I decided to write her a few texts, but I wanted her to read them all before she sent me her response, or worse, blocked my number.
Finally, I found a solution—an email. Yes, the mode of communication which is the best for lovers after letters and calls, is email. Not many of us explore that option, but I feel that chatting or texting doesn’t really convey our messages and tone well. I would prefer an email any day to a chat or text. I still have a copy of the email I wrote to her that evening. I didn’t have her personal email id, so I sent it to her official email id instead, a stunt I would never recommend to anyone. I was a fool who played with his job. I could have been issued a warning. Or worse, I could have been terminated for the act. But a mind ruled by a heart drunk on love cannot understand any reasoning.
To: [email protected]
Bcc- [email protected]
Dear Adira,
Firstly, I want to apologize for sending this email to this email id, but I do not have your personal email id, and I didn’t want to send a text as I feared you would block me before I’d said all that I want to.
Yes, it is true that I love you and I do not even know since when. But I am not asking you to like me back if you can’t. All I am asking from you is a chance to see if we can be what I want us to be.
Whenever I see you, I feel all the love swelling inside deep within me and taking over all my senses. I know it sounds clichéd, but that is precisely what happens to me. Today, when we were walking together, it dawned on to me how much I wanted to be with you, more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life. Losing you to someone else would mean losing myself into a space too dark to imagine. I want anything but that.
All I can say to you is that just because of something which happened in the past, do not stop believing in love, do not stop looking for love, do not stop loving . . .
Raunak
I wrote and rewrote my name thrice with ‘yours in love’, ‘always yours’ before it, but then deleted all of that. Finally, I sent it with only my name. Just when I hit send, Rajbir walked into the room. I didn’t want to meet his eye, so I covered myself with my blanket, pretending to be asleep. Anyway, a response from Adira was not expected until the next morning, if she didn’t walk straight to the HR department to get me terminated from my job.
Something I Never Told You Page 8